Anyone else get no help with DC from their grandparents?

[noheatwaveplease]

I'm probably going to get flamed for this because I know on MN the consensus is that if you choose to have DC you look after them.

However in real life it feels to me like everyone I know has significant help with their DC from their parents. Except us!

I know loads of people whose parents provide regular childcare whilst they are at work. And lots of grandparents who take their grandchildren overnight once a week so the parents can rest (my aunt has my cousin's daughter every Friday overnight, sometimes Saturdays as well!)

My parents just don't seem interested at all. When DD2 was born I asked my mum if she'd take DD1 (then aged 3) out for the day to give me some time with the baby, I provided a full list of local soft plays/farms/playgrounds etc. She took her to the local sainsbury's cafe for a couple of hours and then brought her home. That was literally all the help I got when the baby was born.

Very occasionally they'll look after DD1 during the day (e.g. for a wedding) but it's once in a blue moon and they need months of notice. I've suggested several times that DD1 would like to come and stay with them (she would love this) but they're just not interested. I know I'm biased but I think she's pretty easygoing for a 4 year old, easily entertained, sleeps 7pm-7am 🤷‍♀️

I went to visit them recently with both girls and they had lots of plans for all of us to go out but just weren't interested in actually helping me, I would have really appreciated them taking both kids for a couple of hours so I could have a nap or a lie in but they just won't. I came back totally shattered, at least at home DH is often around to help with bathtime/bedtime rather than me doing everything alone!

I know I have no right to expect anything but I guess I just find it sad and a bit hurtful. Anyone else?

@52andblue we get exactly the same. The very rare time pil, sil or my family see the kids they instantly get their phones out and post photos on social media. We don't even post pics of our kids on social media as we don't like it but it's all #best auntie #grandmadays haha its infuriating

In-laws sadly deceased and my parents live abroad. We have zero family help. It's hard and I do get jealous of my friends who have parents around to give them a break.

Honestly? I really don't like toddlers and did not enjoy that stage or the pre-school stage with my own so if I have grandkids I can't see that changing much. Just barely tolerated all the soft plays and farms and playgrounds but was bored AF.

Totally agree, can never envisage being a hands on grandparent. Or even a grandparent. My son says he's never having kids as they're too costly. He'd know!

I think there will probably be less GP involvement as time goes on. People having children later and working longer. I’m close to 50 with one at senior school and two still at primary. I’ll be late 60s before my DD (my youngest) finishes university. I will likely still be working f/t. If she has a baby at 30, I’ll be in my 70s. Hopefully I’ll have just retired. I just don’t see me having the energy for anything more physical than visiting. I think this will likely become far more common. Worra talks about her friends being GPS at 51. Mine won’t even have reached adulthood by then. I think with later parenthood and longer working, there will be less young healthy GPs with lots of time on their hands available to help.

What you describe in your op is normal for us and just about everyone i know.

@NellyJames

I think there will probably be less GP involvement as time goes on. People having children later and working longer. I’m close to 50 with one at senior school and two still at primary. I’ll be late 60s before my DD (my youngest) finishes university. I will likely still be working f/t. If she has a baby at 30, I’ll be in my 70s. Hopefully I’ll have just retired. I just don’t see me having the energy for anything more physical than visiting. I think this will likely become far more common. Worra talks about her friends being GPS at 51. Mine won’t even have reached adulthood by then. I think with later parenthood and longer working, there will be less young healthy GPs with lots of time on their hands available to help.

This and people having to move or even emigrate for education and/or work or due to house prices.

I don’t think it’s reasonable to be hurt, because I don’t think you should EXPECT grandparents to provide childcare. Wonderful perk if they do, but you don’t have a right to it. I also often wonder if you do much to help them in return? In many cases it seems a bit of a one-way street.

Did you discuss this with them at all before you had children? It would be more reasonable to be upset if:

• you had discussed this with them and they had given the impression they would be more help than they are
• you have siblings that receive significantly more help than you do

OP, I was thinking of starting a thread on exactly this! I have no family support at all. My in-laws can't help out for good reasons. My parents could but don't. In 2.5 years, they've babysat for us once while DH and I went out for dinner, and once when I was in labour with my second. They very occasionally visit for an afternoon (live a few hours away), but don't help out while they're here. I went to them for a few days during my maternity leave while DH was working and DD was barely sleeping. I agree - I came back even more exhausted. Got plenty of advice/ criticism but no help. During lockdown, they complained constantly that they missed seeing their grandchildren

Most other parents I know have help from their parents (including mine - my gran looked after me every day until I started school, and then any time I had to stay off sick). Those who have help just don't get what it's like not to. It feels lonely and - if you hoped for more - it feel's hurtful. I hear you!

I sympathise OP, including with the more helpful grandparents being five hours drive away..

My parents have, as a novelty, picked my son up twice in the four years he’s been at school. They took him to the park and for an ice cream and said how lovely it was but have never offered since. One other time my mum looked after my baby whilst I took another child into a swimming lesson and then I treated her to lunch. She said at the tile she’d love to do it more... but that was eighteen months ago.

I never expected regular help, but I’d hoped they’d be interested in developing a relationship with my kids.

None but o/s and three hours away

Dh’s parent did about a decade ago but understandably not up to a toddler now

My perspective is very different, but I know I am alone there....
My parents and in-laws all leave abroad, so no childcare at all for us. And with two demanding full time job and a VERY active toddler life is hard at the moment. However, even if I could, I would not count on them for childcare.
Mostly because I don't trust them, I would wonder all the time if they keep him safe. I am quite relaxed about taking risks, but my little one needs constant supervision, runs and climbs on things all the time, can't go down stairs safely yet etc. He also has some severe food allergies and they are a bit clueless in terms of ingredients and what he can have and must be avoided.
Also, I never slept apart from him in the last two years, and it would be so distressing for him not seeing him in the evening or when he wakes up in the morning.
If we were to live near them, my parents and in-laws would put pressure on us to look after him full time in turns. But I am also a big fan of sending children to nurseries where they can get proper stimulation and interact with their friends.

All of the above to say that even if incredibly tired I am happy with not having grandparents doing the childcare...

My in-laws had my oldest when he was 11 for a couple of weeks one summer. That's the only time they cared for one of mine on their own. Sadly, they've since died so none of the others got their weeks with their grandparents.

My parents live in the US and have never met my children. The closest I got to 'help' was my mother once sent American coupons as if they would work here and onesies with saying like 'it's bottle o'clock' or other party jokes that I promptly gave to a charity shop (I'm teetotal and my mother hates that).

It's only really saddened me when others assume I must have the same help they have - hearing about how great it is having a mother around to help or to do X or Y is hard sometimes, more when it happens over and over - and I can see it being hurtful particularly if you had more active grandparents as I did, but in general, it's just one of those things.

We get help one day a week whilst we work but there's lots of moaning about it (they offered!).

Also no offer to ever take the kids out at all...or even to join us on a day out. They had eldest (he wasn't even 2) when I was in labour with the little one but then palmed him off on my sister as they had plans.

I have a babysitting arrangement with a few friends now.

Whilst I don’t think it’s an expectation for GP to provide consistent childcare I’m baffled as to why they would see their own children burnt out rather than offer to have their grandchildren occasionally.

Especially if they do have the time/ energy why would they not want that time with their grandchildren and have their own relationships?

My family help me out a lot and it’s still less help than everyone I know! So it’s normal for my circles OP. And the grandparents seem to love it and don’t see it as a chore.

Same here. MIL would have helped more but physically she wasn't able to. My parents are relatively young and are perfectly healthy but just don't want to. It is hard to see when others get so much support

We had my parents first grandchild and when I said I'd like to have another, they said it was ridiculous and I should be focusing on my career. I have a sibling myself ( no kids) and I have had more of a successful career than my mum as I didn't have my first until until 35. So joyful my parents! Not so happy to have grandchildren. So no they don't help, they visit regularly . They consider this helping though, so I expect they will want care when they are older. They make a lot of digs about how over the top my aunt is having kids Wendy house and swing in her garden Miserable bastards, although my mum does like photos to show off to her friends!

Just remember this OP when they're old and need help themselves 🤷🏻‍♀️

My Dad helped enormously which meant I could go back to full time work as a single parent. My Dad also LOVED spending time with my DS and they had a wonderful relationship. My Mother never spent even a hour alone with him. If she stayed it meant she was waited on and I was resentful after a full day at work, then picking DS up and then getting home to make her dinner of her choosing. It just meant that my Dad and DS had a relationship and my Mother and DS did not. But then my Mother was never interested in me or anyone

Well I assure you I'm not lying, and others on the thread have also said they know lots of others with that set up 🤷‍♀️ I guess you and I just move in very different circles!

I’m sure that everyone you know stated in exactly the same place they were born and raised, just around the corner from mum and dad. I guess that is the case for certain circles. It must be great to have so many varied employment opportunities in the place your parents live that lots of people never move away from their parents and only marry partners from the exact same place so their parents are locally available also.

Personally, this wasn’t us or anyone we knew or know. Most people are lucky to have parents in the same country and living locally to where you grew up, where your parents live would be a minor miracle. Also, as I said the only two people I know who’s parents were local (which translates to a 45/60min drive out of peak hour) worked until they could no longer work anyway.

We used to save on childcare by having us work different days and shifts. I went for several years working night shift. I would tag DH at the door and he would work of a day. One of us would generally work weekends. Sure, we went for several years when we were not really home together apart from the odd holiday but it meant childcare/before&after school care was not needed. So there was no tag teaming for bath/bed/meals etc, it was one person only ever taking care of it. Yes, it was fucking tiring. Yes, it was a fucking chore. But no, it was not insurmountable or something to whinge about. They don’t stay little forever and then you can get your head above water and move forward. Still lots of shit, just big person shit rather than baby/toddler shit but at least it’s not the relentless grind. It does end.

I don't expect them to but it does hurt a bit that they never ask.

My PILs love him so much and love playing with him but they never offer to help out at all.

My ils didn't want to be dgps and dumped is when ds was born. Def no back story, mil had told dh ovwr the years before I was on the scene that she never wanted to be a dgm.
So she isn't one.
Dh was an accident and this was also drummed into him his whole life.
Nasty woman.

No help here my parents would love to but live far away and DH is NC with his family. We just manage it between us, we knew it would be this way. I don’t think it’s the norm for GPS to help these days, my friends mum actually charges her to collect the kids from school on the days she’s at work!

I do agree with you OP though lots of people I know from where I live in Middle class Surburbia have regular childcare help. My friends mum took her kids on a camping holiday for 4 nights recently ! So it does happen. Only time my parents have done babysitting is when I gave birth they came here for the night and when I had a miscarriage and had to go to A&E. When I came home from hospital they made themselves dinner, nothing for me or DH or DS. They sat and ate it with wine, whilst we had nothing. And no they didn't ask.

My neighbour- his parents have their little girl two days a week at their home and her mother has her two days a week at her house. So she only goes to nursery once a week.

Neighbour opposite her mother has the DC every day in the holidays as childminder doesn't work then. Some time is taken off by the parents, but she tends to do days out with them all so is still about.

Other neighbour her mother has her DS one day week to reduce nursery fees.

Hi OP
I can understand where your coming from I think it's a bit harsh of your parents in a way.

When both my DCs were born my DM came to stay to help me for a week just around the house and help me with meds etc. So that it helped me and my DH look after the DCs.

However at the moment my DM can't cope with looking after my two together and I can't say I blame her they are toddlers 3yrs and 1yrs and a handful and drain me at times so I wouldn't expect my own parents to have to do it.
They do try and help out as best as they can though so I can't fault them and I know when the DCs are older they will be happy to help out more with having them for a few hours or even night stays.

We do however get help from my DHs mum and Dad they regularly offer to have them both for us so we can go out for a meal or just a few hours to ourselves but again that's not all the time maybe twice a month or a couple of months at a time it depends.

I sometimes think that's life and a part of me even thinks selfishly if my own DCs decided to have their own children in years to come I'd only be able to do what my own parents have it's because you get so knackered by the time your own kids have grown up you just want to do your own things again enjoy your peace and quiet so in that respect you can't really blame them.
It's a double edge sword neither one is right or wrong. It's down to personal choice.

@ButteryPuffin

Just bear it in mind when they become more elderly that quid pro quo, you needn't feel obliged to run around helping them out.

This. I am in the same situation as you OP. Parents and parents in law completely disinterested. Although to be fair to them they were all also in the same situation when me and my siblings were young. I won't be putting myself out to care for them as they grow older. All three of them are retired and have plenty of time on their hands and that's how they like it.

It gets easier as the kids get older, it won't always be this hard.