Anyone else get no help with DC from their grandparents?

[noheatwaveplease]

I'm probably going to get flamed for this because I know on MN the consensus is that if you choose to have DC you look after them.

However in real life it feels to me like everyone I know has significant help with their DC from their parents. Except us!

I know loads of people whose parents provide regular childcare whilst they are at work. And lots of grandparents who take their grandchildren overnight once a week so the parents can rest (my aunt has my cousin's daughter every Friday overnight, sometimes Saturdays as well!)

My parents just don't seem interested at all. When DD2 was born I asked my mum if she'd take DD1 (then aged 3) out for the day to give me some time with the baby, I provided a full list of local soft plays/farms/playgrounds etc. She took her to the local sainsbury's cafe for a couple of hours and then brought her home. That was literally all the help I got when the baby was born.

Very occasionally they'll look after DD1 during the day (e.g. for a wedding) but it's once in a blue moon and they need months of notice. I've suggested several times that DD1 would like to come and stay with them (she would love this) but they're just not interested. I know I'm biased but I think she's pretty easygoing for a 4 year old, easily entertained, sleeps 7pm-7am 🤷‍♀️

I went to visit them recently with both girls and they had lots of plans for all of us to go out but just weren't interested in actually helping me, I would have really appreciated them taking both kids for a couple of hours so I could have a nap or a lie in but they just won't. I came back totally shattered, at least at home DH is often around to help with bathtime/bedtime rather than me doing everything alone!

I know I have no right to expect anything but I guess I just find it sad and a bit hurtful. Anyone else?

One friend said she half expects an OFSTED visit by the time her DIL has finished with her lists of do's and don'ts
Yep. That's the reason for many.

Come on OP, you can keep saying you want them to have a relationship with your kids, but all of your points are actually about how knackered you are and that your resentful they won’t give you a break. If they don’t like the grunt work of putting small kids to bed that’s their business, they’ve been there and done that. Maybe they’ll be more keen when the kids are older.

Not providing free childcare is not the same as having no relationship with your kids.

I didn't get any help from grandparents when mine were little for various reasons. My dh also worked away during the week and I didn't drive.

I deserve a fucking medal for not having killed us all or run away or something. The early years were the hardest thing I have ever done.

I don’t know anyone who got help from their parents for child minding while they were at work or overnight stays once a week! Mine and DH’s live 250 miles away. I hardly know anyone whose family lived close enough to help out like that. The few that did were at work themselves too.

No help here either. It does hurt and it is hard.

According to mn your not to expect any help when you have children, even in an emergency you are supposed to cope. If that means sewing your own leg back on while cooking the dinner then so be it, don't ask your family just pull up your big girl pants and take a paracetamol.

I often wonder if the posters that say these things like the ones above actually have lots of help and enjoy sitting on their high horses because they don't actually know what it's like to not have any support and be totally alone raising children 24/7.

We only have the option of paid childcare which is limited. As a consequence this has meant that I have had to labour and birth dd2 alone and recently had a nervous breakdown and because dh was working and we were too scared that he would lose his job I had to look after 2 children while going through this completely alone. It sucks.

I know that in the future I will do everything I can to help my dds out with childcare, emotional support and anything they need. I often wonder what life is about if not having loving relationships and helping out family and friends. It seems a pretty lonley selfish existence if you are soley focused on your own needs and never feel the need to create or maintain relationships.

I understand that some GPs feel put on as childcare becomes more expensive which is not OK, however, many of these gp forget that they had help from their parents and other family members. In times past a village raised children and there was more community available to help. For example my mum worked full time our whole lives and never paid for childcare once.

I think it's ok to be hurt and a bit annoyed if they had lots of help themselves.

My dcs GPs on one side had no help from their own parents but help out as much as they can, although it's not on a weekly or even monthly basis as they live a long way away.

On the other side, after 4dcs and 9 years of having kids, the most help we've ever had is them taking one child off to the shop with them for a 45 minute walk, and that was a big deal. They're happy to have us over and will make lovely meals and give the kids some money to buy birthday presents but just are not interested in childcare or that much in the children. It seems unfair when their own parents were hugely involved in bringing up their kids - but maybe that's why.

You're not alone OP. It makes me cross too, but for slightly different reasons.

My family are all 3 hours away, so, obviously there's not much help from them, although when me and dd go visit, it's almost as if I don't have a child with me 😂

However, dps parents just aren't interested in our dd. They're seperated and between them I can count on one hand the amount of times they've had dd. Which would be fine, if they didn't openly prefer my dps sisters kids. Dps mum had his sisters first kid every Monday whilst she worked, Tuesday/Wednesday she went to her aunties, also my dps aunt, friday/Saturday she slept at dps mums. Now there is a second child getting the same treatment. Our dd gets nothing. When they visit their great grandma of a weekend dd will be told no, SIL DDS are coming when she asks if she can go to nanas house to play.

Her grandad just flat out refuses to have any of the grandkids as his partner alienated her own DGC and doesn't want his around either. 🤷‍♀️

My mum and DH's mum are not good grandparents. Both live 5 mins away. We don't have any expectations of them to provide childcare, we generally sort that out so there aren't any expectations on them from that point of view. But the general lack of interest galls me - no offers ever to take DD (now 10!) to the park or have her over for dinner or just do something nice with her. Shit birthday presents that don't reflect DD's interests. And then complaints that DD is shy and doesn't want to talk to them when they do see her, well DUH! Of course she's like that, she doesn't actually know you and you've never shown any interest in her whatsoever!!
It is they who have missed out on my lovely, engaging and funny child. And it will be them that misses out when they are old and lonely as I very much doubt she will want to visit them, which they will no doubt complain bitterly about. You reap what you sow.

I know that in the future I will do everything I can to help my dds out with childcare,

How, though? If you live hundreds of miles away and / or you have a full-time job? The retirement age is/will be 67. If your parents and you both had children at, say, 25, your children would be 17 before the GP will have retired and might have more time to help out.

My parents have only ever once been left with DD and this was only because she was small and refusing to wear her car seat belt. They have never ever provided childcare.

My parents love their grandchildren but just aren't child focused. I don't hold it against them. DH's dad is the same and too old now anyway. Sadly the only one that would've (Mil) has died. Eldest is now 22!

According to mn your not to expect any help when you have children, even in an emergency you are supposed to cope. If that means sewing your own leg back on while cooking the dinner then so be it, don't ask your family just pull up your big girl pants and take a paracetamol.

So true! It doesn't match my experience of real life at all where almost everyone I know has grandparents helping out. In my office, I'm the only person who only relies on paid childcare. Everyone else has a mix of paid childcare and family support, or just family support. I'm not saying that I expect it. Just that it is very common in my world.

It is nice to have empathy from some people on the thread though. It's so hard!

None. In 14 years, PIL had ds for one night when dh begged them, and one day. My parents, not at all.
Of everyone else I know, unless totally estranged from their parents, they have all had some help - from lots (several families with care every day, overnights for weeks) to time in the holidays if they live further away, going on holiday with them and taking the children for a day/babysitting in the evening.
My parents couldn't help as mum was diagnosed with dementia when ds was very little, but it did grate that the PIL did loads for the other grandkids, but couldn't even be bothered with ds to come on a day out with us

I won't be working till I am 67. I hope to retire before then

Come on OP, you can keep saying you want them to have a relationship with your kids, but all of your points are actually about how knackered you are and that your resentful they won’t give you a break. If they don’t like the grunt work of putting small kids to bed that’s their business, they’ve been there and done that.

As a one off, isn't reading your grandchild a bedtime story a nice thing to do?! What counts as having a relationship with your grandkids if you won't even do something like that? Or taking them to the cinema, or the park, or the playground? Of course it would give me a break too, but surely it kills two birds with one stone.

What does grate is a significant swathe of society that assumes that it's normal to have conveniently located grandparents, sprightly and freshly retired and interested and assuming that help is avaliable and that you're awkward because it doesn't exist (not to mention the costs and additional logistics of outsourcing what many take for granted)

Absolutely! All the 'Surely you have someone who can look after your . . . . 3 kids ages 5 and under and one with SN at the drop of a hat' from so many - HCPs are legend for this.

There's still this predominant belief that everyone has instant childcare from others at the drop of a hat.

There's still this predominant belief that everyone has instant childcare from others at the drop of a hat.

Yep. In fact my mother once suggested that the hospital staff would be more than happy to watch DD1 while I had a scan, when pregnant with DD2

We don't get much from anyone. I will never forget when my 2nd son was born at 33 weeks, no one even offered to babysit my older son so I could go and see him in hospital! I still get upset about that sometimes. I do think if we had been closer to my family someone would've offered but I can't say for definite. I had to wait until my husband came home from work so we could go to the hospital together and then we had to take it in turns to sit in the waiting room with my oldest while the other saw my youngest. The one evening my in laws did babysit so we could go in together, my youngest was 5 days old and we were holding him for the first time and they kept phoning us to see when we would be back. Sorry that turned into a rant lol.
My in laws have had them overnight a few times and my sister will usually babysit if we ask but my family are further away. We moved nearer to his family and we hardly see them. His parents are retired but won't commit to even helping with childcare once a week because it's not fair on his sister as she gave up her job when she had two kids as well, even though as far as I know she hasn't said about going back to work. It would only be for a couple of hours too as both boys are in school.
Wow I have issues lol

Do they ask about their grandchildren or make any effort when you do see them? That's the part that hurts us most, they don't help but worse, don't care.

A lot of them just want to be grandparents. That used to involve seeing grandkids at weekends and having the odd day out at the seaside etc
That was back when houses were affordable and families were able to afford a parent to stay at home for a few years. Nowadays parents need a lot more help because they’re trying to juggle two jobs. If grandparents didn’t offer childcare a lot of mums couldn’t afford to work. I also think people have smaller families and social circles nowadays, they tend to live further apart, so they have less options to leave their child with someone so they can have a break.

Neither my husband or I have any siblings, my parents are too old to babysit, so we literally never get a break. It’s destroyed our marriage and prevented me from working because I can’t afford childcare. My friends all have grandparents who offer free childcare so they can work.

Sorry OP, I can understand how you feel. I don’t find your situation to be typical. It is normal for grandparents to be a big help in my circles.

For example school drop off and pick up, half the playground, often more, is made up of grandparents.

The park, always full of grandparents. I often feel in a minority because I’m a mum not a grandma. In fact one of my friends is an 80 yr old man because I’ve spent so much time at the park with him and his grand daughter.

My children’s grandparents, pre Covid, were willing to do anything. Play dates, sleep overs, trips out. If we go anywhere all together the grandmas are always really helpful.

I’m a SAHP so haven’t needed childcare, but if I needed a day off for an appointment or a break it wasn’t too hard for the GPs to find a few hours to spare for me.

We live a long way from the GPs on both sides so never expected day to day help.

Mum did come and was a big help when the DC were born and did do some odd days when the DC were small if she came to visit. But her interest waned. Even when she visits us she does nothing with the DC. I find it quite upsetting, she does all the wrap around care for my DBs kids and babysits for them regularly and even has them to stay so DB and SIL can go on holiday.

MIL is older and when the DC were younger she had FIL to look after. Since he died she has started coming to visit for longer trips and does lots of activities (board games, cooking, art, sewing) with the DC, they have a lovely relationship with her, it's so precious.

I often wonder if the posters that say these things like the ones above actually have lots of help and enjoy sitting on their high horses because they don't actually know what it's like to not have any support and be totally alone raising children 24/7.

Do you always assume the worst, bitterest, most negative thing about everyone? Plenty of people have had no support at all, for a variety of reasons but commonly because they live far away from grandparents (moved for work or education) or the grandparents are still working FT, are ill or dead.

@daisypond that's not the case for me though. All my family live on the next street or literally 5 minutes walk away yet they are nevet available. I hope to live near my dds, if they need help with childcare and move away then if they want me to I will move (without being overbearing). I have felt what's it's like to raise children completely alone and have no help and I never ever want my dds to feel that way.
They mean the world to me and me and dh will be there for them at all costs.
I will most likely work part time throughout my life anyway as we can afford it. However, yes I understand gps work full time but even so, I wouldn't mind giving up my weekend say every month to give my dds a break. I'd get 3 weekends a month to do as I wish (sleep in etc) surly I can spare 1 to help out my kids. Just because they will be adults does not mean they stop being my children.

Not a dot of help from either set ... my parents would want dc for a couple of hours once they 3ish but I brought/fed maybe monthly...

Most people I know have had no help from grandparents though maybe because my friends have moved to London from elsewhere...
We're local but our parents moved out of town ...

We mainly met at toddler group help each other out

@Glamazoni

A lot of them just want to be grandparents. That used to involve seeing grandkids at weekends and having the odd day out at the seaside etc That was back when houses were affordable and families were able to afford a parent to stay at home for a few years. Nowadays parents need a lot more help because they’re trying to juggle two jobs. If grandparents didn’t offer childcare a lot of mums couldn’t afford to work. I also think people have smaller families and social circles nowadays, they tend to live further apart, so they have less options to leave their child with someone so they can have a break.

Neither my husband or I have any siblings, my parents are too old to babysit, so we literally never get a break. It’s destroyed our marriage and prevented me from working because I can’t afford childcare. My friends all have grandparents who offer free childcare so they can work.

It's never a good idea to have kids with an expectation of free childcare . As for the 'mums' slant, it's a real pity so many women still give in to sexism and 'can't afford to work' because it's resulted in a great deal of poverty come pension time for them (or poverty after divorce in their 50s, I have several friends in this predicament).

It's also a real pity to live your life bitter and angry by comparing yourself to other people and harbouring resentment about not getting a 'break' when you knew going into it that there was no free childcare available to you.