Anyone else get no help with DC from their grandparents?

[noheatwaveplease]

I'm probably going to get flamed for this because I know on MN the consensus is that if you choose to have DC you look after them.

However in real life it feels to me like everyone I know has significant help with their DC from their parents. Except us!

I know loads of people whose parents provide regular childcare whilst they are at work. And lots of grandparents who take their grandchildren overnight once a week so the parents can rest (my aunt has my cousin's daughter every Friday overnight, sometimes Saturdays as well!)

My parents just don't seem interested at all. When DD2 was born I asked my mum if she'd take DD1 (then aged 3) out for the day to give me some time with the baby, I provided a full list of local soft plays/farms/playgrounds etc. She took her to the local sainsbury's cafe for a couple of hours and then brought her home. That was literally all the help I got when the baby was born.

Very occasionally they'll look after DD1 during the day (e.g. for a wedding) but it's once in a blue moon and they need months of notice. I've suggested several times that DD1 would like to come and stay with them (she would love this) but they're just not interested. I know I'm biased but I think she's pretty easygoing for a 4 year old, easily entertained, sleeps 7pm-7am 🤷‍♀️

I went to visit them recently with both girls and they had lots of plans for all of us to go out but just weren't interested in actually helping me, I would have really appreciated them taking both kids for a couple of hours so I could have a nap or a lie in but they just won't. I came back totally shattered, at least at home DH is often around to help with bathtime/bedtime rather than me doing everything alone!

I know I have no right to expect anything but I guess I just find it sad and a bit hurtful. Anyone else?

My kids are all grown up now but we received little help from grandparents. The first time my husband and I had a night away from the kids (who stayed with GPs once) was when they were 9 and 12!! Even then it was very reluctant.... "just one night!!". We learned to be very self-reliant and probably worked together better as a couple because we had to help each other out. It's backfired on the GPs though because the kids are just not that interested in them and don't have great memories of time spent with just them (very different from all of us meeting up). I intend to be a much better GP.

Ohh and we also don't live close to either of our parents my parents are 2.5 hours drive away and my in-laws are 1.5 hours drive away so it's hard to just get help at a drop of a hat.
But in both our parents defences they will help out best they can when we do ask.

I had no help at all from the grandparents because my sister off-loaded her kids to them (or the other set) EVERY weekend. She also off-loaded hers to each grandmother for 1/2 days per week, and had a nanny, and didn't work. She couldn't handle having kids.

So no, nothing, zilch. But no worries because I loved being with my kids and hanging out with them.

People who have helpful child-caring parents are luckier than they can ever know. Raising kids is no tea party, and if you're not up for it full time, then you might want to have a rethink before going there.

We're in the same boat. 6 years on never had any help, not even when having second child. In-laws are not capable, won't do a nappy, make food etc. My mum's an alcoholic and my dad and step mum live 6 hours away and have been providing childcare for others full and/ or part time for 15 years so we don't feel we can ask but they would drop everything and come if my leg fell off of similar.

Where I live most have grandparent help. One friend's mum in her 70s looks after her two grandchildren from 8-6 Monday- Friday. It's not easy and can be relentless at times but we keep going.

This is from Age UK 2017

Two-fifths (40%) of the nation's grandparents over the age of 50 - five million - have provided regular childcare for their grandchildren, according to a new YouGov poll for leading older people's charity, Age UK.

Grandparents are having to provide weekly childcare
The survey revealed that the vast majority (89%) of the five million grandparents who provided regular care do so at least once a week:
one in 10 (12%) looking after their grandchildren at least once a day
a fifth (18%) look after them 4-6 times a week
two-fifths (38%) look after them 2-3 times a week
Just over half (51%) of these grandparents providing regular care did so for up to five years and a further 28% did so for between 5-10 years, with well over half (57%) saying their help had enabled their own child/ children to work more to support their family.

I did a lot of child care for my DGC prior to COVID. Two days a week, sometimes more over a three year period, one child then two. I travelled up North every week and stayed over. I will be starting to look after them again as soon as it’s safe to do so as I am a vulnerable person health wise although not on the government list. I love the relationship I now have with my grandchildren, but I have to admit that I have found it completely draining (I am in my late 60s). The strain has been immense at times as my daughter works long hours and is out of the house for twelve hours a day. I always look forward to going, but am so relieved to go home each week that I can’t describe it! It takes me a day to recover and be able to live my life again. However, I love my daughter so much; she is so kind and appreciative of all I do and I am made to feel like such an such important part of the family. Would I do it all again? Yes definitely. Do I sometimes long to be like a ‘normal’ grandparent and just enjoy nice times with the DC with shorter periods of childcare? Yes frequently. I think my point is that some grandparents simply don’t have the confidence or the mental and physical energy to provide childcare. It’s exceptionally hard work and a huge responsibility. Most of my friends say they couldn’t and wouldn’t do what I do.

You are not alone. We get nothing from anyone. Grandparents busy spending money they inherited from their own parents (never really worked). No time or financial support passed down the line.

We work hard and pay for all our childcare.

Even friends - I was one of the last in my social circle to have children and I was so helpful to them - babysitting, company for child friendly days out etc. Now the boot is on the other foot I get nothing back.

It does make me sad.

@Glamazoni

A lot of them just want to be grandparents. That used to involve seeing grandkids at weekends and having the odd day out at the seaside etc That was back when houses were affordable and families were able to afford a parent to stay at home for a few years. Nowadays parents need a lot more help because they’re trying to juggle two jobs. If grandparents didn’t offer childcare a lot of mums couldn’t afford to work. I also think people have smaller families and social circles nowadays, they tend to live further apart, so they have less options to leave their child with someone so they can have a break.

Neither my husband or I have any siblings, my parents are too old to babysit, so we literally never get a break. It’s destroyed our marriage and prevented me from working because I can’t afford childcare. My friends all have grandparents who offer free childcare so they can work.

Yes I get that Glamazoni but prospective grandparents are very rarely copied in on their adult kid's plans when it comes to procreation.

So what with having raised their own kids and mostly having to work until they're 67 years old, they don't want the 'guilt' foisted upon them that they have to provide childcare in order for their adult kids to survive.

Will they ever be able to live their lives just for them?

In the 25 years I've lived in my house I've seen neighbours raise their own kids, their grandkids and now their great grandkids.

Believe me they're not all as happy as they look.

YANBU. And our friends (and siblings in law) who have never had to pay for a day’s childcare in their lives wonder why we can’t afford to move up the housing ladder!!

No get no help and don't expect it. They work full time and don't need to do childcare on top.

They love the grandchildren and have a great relationship but they are not child care providers

@noheatwaveplease

How are your husband's parents with them?

They live a 5 hour drive away but if we're staying with them they'll babysit for an evening so we can go out for a meal.

You have your answer here. If you want the kind of help your friends do, then you need to move closer to your in-laws.

Oh OP, I’m in the same boat and I can’t even bring myself to go into the details as it’s just too hard and upsetting, but I feel your pain. It’s shit. I think what a number of posters aren’t grasping is the fact that your DPs could help but are choosing not to. Believe me I too could have pulled up my big girl pants for the last 12 years if they lived 100miles plus away or in another country! That way I would have a legitimate excuse for their lack of interest in me or my children. But sadly I can’t make that excuse because they are a 15 minute drive away. I live my life surrounded by friends who have varying support, holidays paid for, childcare and babysitting on tap. But what hurts me the most and became so apparent during lockdown was that they just can’t even make a phone call to find out how we are! We have 3DCs my youngest is preschool age and I have homeschooled the older two (one is in secondary so not a walk in the park) looked after the youngest whilst working part time and my DH working full time. It has almost broken me. And if I dare complain I am told others have it harder! I don’t have any advice, it’s rubbish, at times depressing and I am too hurt and feel utterly rejected and alone

We never did but that was because we were living on a different continent from the grandparents.
If we lived nearby, I can see how you might feel hurt by no help. Have you actually asked for help? You might be looking amazing and so capable that they don’t see a need to offer.

Same here. We have 'photo op' grandparents on both sides

It's tough

Both sets of GPs had massive amounts of help from their parents when we were small, both mums stayed at home, neither have helped. Not a single school run, help when either of us have been in hospital, help so we can go to funerals. Zilch.

It feels hurtful that they aren't interested in having a relationship with my DC. I won't be looking after them in their own age.

I get the energy perspective though, in the fact that it's draining. Small kids are extremely hard work.

And then people ask why I go to bed at 9pm!

My DS only has one surviving grandparent (2 died before he was born and 1 shortly after). My DM is in her 80's and cannot entertain an autistic teenager for more than a couple of hours.
In turn my parents had no help from my grandparents as they lived the other side of the UK.

Both sides are very hands on and have helped out lots over the years and will even have the children so we can go away as a couple. It's pretty standard amongst my friends apart from one whose mum has point blank said no she wouldn't be doing any child care. OH and I really appreciate it and show this with extra special presents and meals out. I intend to do the same for my children when they have children.

Nope, you are not alone. 3 dcs of varying ages and absolutely zero support all the way along. Various factors included death etc. means there won't be any in the future either.

It is easy to compare and despair, I have done it often and understand the frustration but in the end, I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that this is how it is and not the type of grandparent I aspire to be (balanced, not full-time childcare but definitely involvement with gc.)

The op is not talking about regular childcare that is relentless and draining for GPS or other family members. She is talking about once in a while the grandchildren staying over, GPs and other family members having a real relationship with grandchildren and occasionally helping out their adult children. I think the thread has been focused on GPS raising grandchildren and doing weekly childcare and that's not what many want or expect or are even taking about. It's the occasional support and the want to not see your adult child burnt out and on their knees that op, me and many others miss and feel hurt by. I would never ask or expect anyone in my family to provide regular childcare but it would be nice if they wanted to know my children and wanted to help me when I'm literally crying out for a break! Of course there are factors such as distance, illness etc that prevent this but if that's not the case and its just that the family don't want to help out then of course its going to sting. Like I said above my dds will always be my children and I know in my heart I would never sit by while they burn out and become unwell. I also want a bond with my grandchildren if I have any.

My GPs didn't look after me, and I knew the GPs wouldn't look after my children - my parents are a plane flight away and the ILs are a bit older and need to be looked after themselves, particularly FIL. I don't expect to provide regular childcare for any grandchildren I may have, as I'll be almost 70 when they arrive if my DC procreate at the same age as me.

No help here either. My in-laws live in another European country. They do make vague noises about us going out for dinner when they visit but we feel guilty about leaving them sitting watching tv while we skip out when we only see them a few days each year. My parents have never offered. To be fair, I think they would have struggled with toddler wrangling given their age/health but now my daughter is six a day out should be easy but the offers are not flooding in!

Op ,I have never had any help from grandparents ever no matter what the situation. I’ve had a few bad bout of temporary illnesses over the years, nothing serious think proper flu , tonsillitis but have never had any help whatsoever with my kids (obviously very lucky to have dh but sometimes he had to work etc and it was v v v hard minding 3 high energy dcs while feeling awful.
I also have a sisters and brothers but they’d never, ever help either (I did a lot of bbsitting for some before I had dcs)
I think it’s easy to feel a bit jealous as I’m also surrounded by friends who always have help from their families etc.
BUT at the same time I get it, they might be tired from years of child rearing and enjoying their free time , they might not like the responsibility, they just simply don’t want to which is fair enough.
I am really tired after years of young dcs and I massively struggle with the toddler part so can’t imagine ever wanting to minds kids that age ever again. I’m really glad to be done with that whole stage now. I still have young kids but I’m 35 now and want to enjoy sleeping and having a bit more time.
I know it’s hard though as other plp around me especially with covid and work are so , so lucky in that they’ll have help with childcare so they are always at an advantage but on the other hand I hope these people massively help out when their parents and family are older / need help too.
One thing I find so, so annoying is when plp presume everyone has help, so often and in real life I hear about how family support is so important which is great if you have willing support, lots of people don’t. And yes, we get babysitters but it’s v expensive in my country and I’m not going to leave my kids with a random teenager to go away for a weekend.
I think you just have to accept that they don’t want to op. They probably like seeing you but don’t want to mind them which is their right. Me and my dh swap over when we can (assuming you have a partner) so we free each other up for lie ins , runs , a coffee. We often do this at the weekend . Maybe this could be an option?

Here's the thing...some grandparents get fed up at the general attitude from a certain sector of their offspring, in particular, their attitude towards older people.
Upthread, someone mentioned expecting an Ofsted inspection with lists, rules, regulations imposed by the parent just for the sake of having a grandchild for the day.
I have personally experienced this while looking after one of my grandchildren and was left feeling as if I know nothing, have to be micromanaged totally and expected to perform all singing, all dancing entertainment so that said grandchild has an 'experience', rather than just a happy time chilling with granny.
Sometimes, we feel as if we're walking on eggshells, can't do right for wrong and it is hugely unpleasant; particularly if you've willingly, happily, given over regular slots of your time to help them out.
I've deliberately cut back on the childminding as a direct consequence. The power play some parents impose on grandparents can be upsetting. And I'm not alone. Several friends in my local lunch group say the same. We adore the grands but the parents....."Ego trips on wheels", as one retired teacher granddad put it.