Anyone else get no help with DC from their grandparents?

[noheatwaveplease]

I'm probably going to get flamed for this because I know on MN the consensus is that if you choose to have DC you look after them.

However in real life it feels to me like everyone I know has significant help with their DC from their parents. Except us!

I know loads of people whose parents provide regular childcare whilst they are at work. And lots of grandparents who take their grandchildren overnight once a week so the parents can rest (my aunt has my cousin's daughter every Friday overnight, sometimes Saturdays as well!)

My parents just don't seem interested at all. When DD2 was born I asked my mum if she'd take DD1 (then aged 3) out for the day to give me some time with the baby, I provided a full list of local soft plays/farms/playgrounds etc. She took her to the local sainsbury's cafe for a couple of hours and then brought her home. That was literally all the help I got when the baby was born.

Very occasionally they'll look after DD1 during the day (e.g. for a wedding) but it's once in a blue moon and they need months of notice. I've suggested several times that DD1 would like to come and stay with them (she would love this) but they're just not interested. I know I'm biased but I think she's pretty easygoing for a 4 year old, easily entertained, sleeps 7pm-7am 🤷‍♀️

I went to visit them recently with both girls and they had lots of plans for all of us to go out but just weren't interested in actually helping me, I would have really appreciated them taking both kids for a couple of hours so I could have a nap or a lie in but they just won't. I came back totally shattered, at least at home DH is often around to help with bathtime/bedtime rather than me doing everything alone!

I know I have no right to expect anything but I guess I just find it sad and a bit hurtful. Anyone else?

No help here. Both my mum and my inlaws adore the kids but can't deal with them by themselves (they are all in their late 70s and our kids are a very active 2 and 5) so we always have to be there. No babysitting although my inlaws did drive 2 hours at 3am when I went into labour ahead of a planned section to pick up dc1 from the hospital.

Lots of my friends have local family and I do get a little bit jealous that I've never had a childfree night over the last 5 and a half but ...

Yeah there’s no way I’d expect my parents to look after my children (if/when I have them) for a week during school holidays. I’m lucky in that I’m off or can work from home for most of the summer and school holidays anyway and for the weeks I’m in, my employer has childcare options on campus for staff. Even so, I’d just never have dreamed of asking such a thing of two people in their 70s and they’d never agree to it. I’m sure they’d help out for an hour or so in an emergency but certainly not with regular babysitting/date nights etc. They didn’t have any help with that either. I was never really left alone with either set of grandparents. Just Aunties and Uncles very occasionally. We do come from two different cultures where everything is geared up towards respecting and giving the older generations as restful a time as possible though so that might be different.

I had a very close relationship with my grandparents, considered one one of my best friends until she died but I didn’t need to be baby sat or cared for during school holidays in order for that to happen. We had family time together, holidays as a family, days out etc.

[quote noheatwaveplease]@solomummy you've misread, it's my in laws who live 5 hours away...[/quote]
OK. Apologies. But you ignored the entire rest of my comment.
Relationships are 2 way streets. How much effort do you make for them? Do you out yourself out for them? Include them in things? Invite without ulterior motives?

@NameChange84 our grandparents are in their 50s. I don't have to ask, it's not seen as a chore, they WANT to spend that time with them. I am hugely grateful, because I think it's really important for my own mental wellbeing and for DH and I to get time on our own which I think is really important for a relationship. I used to go to my grandparents for a week in the summer holidays, it was a holiday, I loved it.

I really hope if you need support you can get it, I assume you haven't had children yet from your post, it's a really difficult transition and I can't imagine doing it without the support of my parents, that's what families are for. It's really sad how society today values the nuclear family to the extent that inter-generational support is less common than it used to be. I wonder how your parents would feel if you said you weren't helping them as they get older, they can outsource care just as parents can with little ones can after all? Each generation has something to offer the other, as much as older people should wind down, I hope I'm never deemed so useless that I can;t help out loved ones!

@notheragain4. That’s what I don’t really understand about my in-laws, they don’t seem to WANT to have much of a relationship with our DC.
They have great relationships with their children, though, and seem to value family ties overall.

It’s just odd, because I already know that if I ever have GC, I’d love to spend time with them ( and hope my children will allow me to 🤣). Unless I’m really old and ill, I’ll ask to see them and offer to spend time with them... but my in-laws just don’t!

Oh well, their choice. I think they’re missing out and of course, the kids prefer my side because they know them better.

'Made your bed and you lie on it' both sets of grandparents were the same.
Was a tough lesson , but at least we knew where we stood!
( it did rankle at the time as everyone else had so much help from grandparents who seemed to dote on their grand kids and couldn't wait to have them !)

I don’t think it is sensible to expect grandparents support with children and it is unreasonable to be disappointed, feel its a shame etc as that indicates it is something which automatically should be given despite the fact that they have no input into your decision to have children.
It is likely that they feel your attention to them is not because you are interested in them but because you want something from them (to take care of children which they may not feel comfortable with). I’m sure they love their grandchildren and are delighted they are in the family but taking care of children is a responsibility which should not be imposed on others unless they express a want for it. Doesn’t mean they won’t have a good relationship and be influential in their life. I also don’t think you should refuse your parents support in later life, after all they raised you and sacrificed to ensure you had a comfortable life and could have children, and that is what you’re repaying not babysitting.

@RoseTintedAtuin How do children build a relationship with grandparents & become influential if they never have alone time together? I'm not saying it's not possible but how does it work in reality? I didn't see my gm that often maybe 3 times a yr but she stayed with us or we stayed with her & all our bonding moments, chats happened when my parents were not present.

I also don’t think you should refuse your parents support in later life, after all they raised you and sacrificed to ensure you had a comfortable life and could have children, and that is what you’re repaying not babysitting.

I disagree with that, Whats your definition of support in later life? I choose to bring my dc into the world & dont expect them to "repay" me anything. It's my job to provide comfort etc plus not all parents provide any of that.

I totally agree with everything you’ve said @RoseTintedAtuin

And I’d never threaten not to look after my ageing parents in response to them not feeling able to look after my children. That’s just not how things work in my brain and I wouldn’t feel in the slightest resentful or see it as sad that they don’t feel up to looking after small children for a week at a time, babysitting or providing childcare for work etc. They can still have a wonderful relationship with grandchildren and do with my siblings children without having to be hands on carers or unpaid childcare at a time when I know they would struggle to cope and when their child rearing days were decades behind them. I definitely take the my kids, my responsibility view and would see an offer of anything as a bonus rather than an entitlement. It’s very strange that people view this as somehow a lack of love for adult children or young grandchildren. It’s more an acknowledgement of one’s capabilities and responsibilities. As I say, days out, holidays and weekly time together as an extended family is how we show love for all the generations of our family. And there is nothing at all wrong or mean-spirited about that.

I get it @noheatwaveplease

My story
When I had DC1 I was surrounded by other FTMs whose parents and in-laws were just so helpful. It felt quite hurtful that my DC’s GPs wanted a quick cuddle, photo and then to go. They were even less interested by the time DC2 came along. But by that time, we’d got a network of paid for childcare and friends sorted so we just rolled with it.
Once the DC were older (primary school age) one set of GPs started to offer very occasional babysitting.

I think some people are more comfortable looking after kids once they don’t have to deal with their bodily fluids and the children can speak for themselves. So perhaps the GPs will offer help when your DC is older.

Ultimately you know you can’t make them help but it is hurtful they don’t want to. And my DC have a good relationship with only 1 set of their GPs because the other set never got to know them. Their loss... and yes if the need arises, I won’t be compromising our family life or making any extra effort to care for those GPs either.

If it makes you feel any better mine are worse. They favour my sisters kids over mine even though mine are better behaved (not being biased, her kids really aren't nice, don't get me wrong, I love them anyway. It's not their fault) and DH and I are always going out of our way to do favours for my parents. They have my sisters kids whenever she's asks, which is often. They've had mine twice in 3 years and there's always a "reason" why they can't. We live 5 minutes away, they never come round here when invited, but will travel the 45 minutes to my sister and never say no to an invite.

There's no backstory here, we've never fallen out, my kids are easy, my house isn't dirty etc. I've decided to let them get on with it and when a favour is asked there'll be a "reason" I can't. What else can you do.

She asks*

@NameChange84 without sounding harsh I do think you may feel differently when you have children. Until you have them you cannot comprehend the relentlessness of it and how tired you are, especially in the early years. You may feel now that you won't want or need a break or night off but everyone does. If parents are unable because of age or illness etc then fair enough but if they are able and unwilling then that is different. Most parents will know how draining it is having children and to leave your child to it completely alone with no break 24/7 is quiet selfish. Like I said above my children do not stop being my children at 18, I could never sit by and watch them struggle alone (every parent has struggles). I would not want them to feel exhausted if I am capable of providing occasional respite. How does a loving parent watch their child struggle in that way without intervention? So to me yes it is an unlovable, mean thing to do.

@namechange84 I know it's the most annoying thing in the world when people say this so I apologise. But honestly, until you've had children it's really hard to understand.

@Notsurewhatsgoingon I think I’ve had a taste of the relentlessness. I spent most of my youth caring for a family member who couldn’t walk or be left alone for over an hour and was totally reliant on me until their death after caring for them for nearly 9 years, my DNs mother lost custody of them so I’ve been the nearest thing to a mother to them for years and career wise until going into lecturing in the subject I’ve spent my entire career working in the field of child development and psychology, working on the side as a house parent in boarding schools, in SEN and child mental health settings. So I’m not naive to the challenges of parenthood and I’ve went years without “respite” as others on here seem to call it.

It’s really not a horrible unlovable thing to do for to not be able to provide childcare and baby sitting services. I’m afraid we will have to agree to disagree.

MN is weird because if anyone ever complains about something like this it's like you're talking about some random couple you found on the street and not actual people who raised you, presumably from birth, and love you.

My Dad died before mine were born but my mum is exactly the same and it is hurtful. It beggars belief that she raised 3 kids. She seems to be terrified of mine and my brothers'. No interest whatsoever in helping. Granted she lives abroad but when she comes over she won't help in the least. Last time she stayed at mine i was rushing to get DD ready for school (as Mum massively gets in the way) and I asked if she'd mind watching DS, 2 at the time, for 10 minutes while I took DD to school, save me dressing him. The school is literally round the corner and it really is a 10 minute trip there and back. She said "Ok but only if you put him in front of the iPad" I said no it's ok, as if I was going to give an iPad to a 2yo at 8.20am!

I know what you mean too about days and meals out. Mum always wants to go for meals, mine are 4 and 8 now so not actually too bad when it comes to eating out, but when DS was a baby and DD was 3, she'd insist we went out to eat but would watch on as I struggled to settle DS who wouldn't be put down whilst cutting up DD's food, all the while my food would go cold. Even when she finished her meal she never offered to hold DS or help in any way she'd just say things like "It's so hard isn't it" and "You cope ever so well"

DB and I were actually talking about it at the weekend - our kids are the same age, both single parents and we rely on each other for childcare. Thank god I have him! When they're with exH, exMIL is very good but she only has them if she absolutely has to.

I do also think that everyone else I know has "proper" childcare, full days while the parents work and regular sitting so that parents can get a break. It's not an entitlement but it's very hard not to be envious when absolutely everyone else seems to have help on tap. It makes a HUGE difference to your parenting if you get regular breaks

The annoying thing is that my mum will expect me to be resident bottom wiper when she's older and be glad of the job. Which, despite the fact she's only 60, is in abysmal health thanks to over drinking, over eating, no exercise and stressing out over the littlest things, probably isn't too far off.

My mum and in laws are very happy to help and they alternate taking DS for one night during the week when we don't have a nursery place. We're very lucky in that regard, but so many people seem to have kids with the plan that GPs will provide care and if you need them to do that for financial reasons then you need to
clarify that with them in advance.

Out of interest, those of you whose parents had help from their own parents but won't help you, have you ever asked them why? This would bug me so much I'd have to say something.

I don't really know why my mum is like that BTW, I have wonderful memories of spending full school holidays with grandparents for years, regular sleepovers when they lived nearby etc.

My parents have been fabulous since the start- helped both times when DC born, looked after DC1 for a week when we had our honeymoon, will have kids when at school for a week in the holidays. They absolutely love them. But they like 4 hours away and although we see them every couple of months we don’t rely on them for everyday care (obviously!) we use a nursery.

MIL is bizarre. She goes on and on to people about her grandkids and whenever we ask her to babysit she rolls her eyes like ‘oh this again’ but to be fair agrees. It’s maybe 4 times a year? We live half an hour away and always drop them off and collect them after. She acts like she’s super involved to people she knows (people have spoken to me about ‘how good’ she is for looking after them) when the reality is it’s rare and when she does take them they just sit at home and watch telly. She’s only 45 so she’s not ancient I just get the impression the relationship is more to show off to her friends she’s not concerned about actually looking after the DC. It’s a shame really and I wonder when they will notice.

Whatever people think is OK surely in the ideal world at the least GP would be happy to baby sit? Even once a month?

Or weekend every 6 months?

I hope to be well and available for my dc children. I hope to support them.
Cash, gifts. Baby sitting. But I'll also understand if my dc have had enough of me! And don't want me involved.

I just remember the darkness days when someone said sitting in the car whilst I popped into a shop for 5 mins without dd, was like a holiday in a luxury spa in Thailand.
I would hate to 🤔 of my dc struggling if they could get even a short break from me assisting.

Op our in laws however, their '' help '' has been far more trouble than its worth. Eg Mil not aware or listening to any safety stuff... Eg pond in garden '' is only a meter deep ''
Issues with nappy and potty training, not listening, undermining us, trying to compete, being down right nasty. In the end we struggled on it wasn't worth it.

And I was desperate at points especially when ill.

Anyway, if for some reason not obvious to my dc, why I can't do more, hopefully I can communicate and express '' why '' to dd

And then complaints that DD is shy and doesn't want to talk to them when they do see her, well DUH! Of course she's like that, she doesn't actually know you and you've never shown any interest in her whatsoever

Yes! My mum expects that because she has the badge of "grandma" that the children should jump up and down and clap when she FaceTimes. They see her once a year and she is very passive towards them but expects the adoration my grandparents got. But my grandparents were so dedicated to us, we saw them all the time and they genuinely enjoyed our company

My mum has always been really helpful with the children, she’s not nearby, but she’ll come down a few times a year to help out if we need her.

MIL is a similar distance away. She never offered to help - I developed viral meningitis when she was visiting once and she was useless. DH had just started a new job too. We left DS with her once to attend the funeral of a close friend whose child had died - she rung after 20 minutes to say she it was too hard work.
It works both ways however, and I have no intention of helping her with any care she may need in the future.

This sounds exactly like my parents. I actually get jealous of my friends parents who always take their grandchildren for days out and have them over for sleepovers etc. Not because I want to be apart from them but purely because I feel they are missing out in valuable time with them.

Not once have my parents ever taken their grandchildren out or had them over even for tea. My DC absolutely adore them and would love to spend more time with them, yet even though my parents love them and come over to mine regularly and see them they would never entertain the idea of looking after them which makes me feel sad. They both retired very early and have all the time in the world, so it does upset me when I hear from friends that their parents spend so much more time with their grandchildren. It’s just like it’s too much effort for them.

Also when my DD was 6 months old and DS was 2, I had very bad chest infection for weeks that wouldn’t clear up and I was back and forth to the doctors and became quite ill. OH was away with work and my parents knew how ill I was and how I was struggling looking after two young children and being up all night with the youngest at the time too but not once did they ever offer any help. In fact I did end up asking and they said they were ‘busy’ doing stuff around the house.