Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Need advice, would you let your 16 yo dd do this?

289 replies

Loopylou6 · 20/07/2020 12:18

Dd has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for a few months, it's all very serious and they stay at each others houses regularly.
Her boyfriend is not English and has gone back to home country for 2 and a half months to visit his other family. Dd had wanted to fly over herself for a week to stay with him, which I said no to. Anyway, shes told me last night that his family are flying over for 10 days to visit him im his home country, and have invited her to go with them, he will pay her plane tickets and she will stay with him in an apartment.
She's desperate to go, but I'm not sure, she's had an extremely rough couple of years through no fault of her own, didn't get to have a prom because of covid etc, and I think it'll be a lovely adventure for her, she gets on well with his family as she spends alot of time at his house.
But she's only 16, altho she's very mature, so i just don't know
WWYD?

OP posts:
WhatamessIgotinto · 21/07/2020 08:36

@Loopylou6 if they've only been together for a 'few months' then they can barely have spent any time together at all since the country has been in lockdown since March. They can barely know each other which, for me, is more of an issue than her age, which is still a bit of an issue at 16 to be honest, but less so than the fact she can barely know him at all.

You mustn't know him at all and the fact that you don't know his family either means it's just mind boggling to me that you would even consider it to be honest. It would be a worry enough if my 16 year old was going away with people she didn't know in this country, never mind in another one.

cuntryclub · 21/07/2020 08:37

The boyfriend who speaks both languages has to have communicated things and done the asking.

Well yes, but that doesn't mean he wasn't accepting the no and he is pushing for anything. It could meanthey talked about it, he told his parents what happened and they offered.

Hardbackwriter · 21/07/2020 08:39

@PlanDeRaccordement

I was wondering what job this 19yr old boyfriend has that he can be gone from July to October in Italy? He can’t be a university student as he’d miss the start of term in September. But then he can’t be working a regular job either to just go abroad for four months to “visit family.”

And he’d already invited OPs DD on holiday and was told no. But wouldn’t accept the no and is pushing now for DD to fly out under escort of other family members. It’s not good that he won’t accept a no but responds by applying pressure to get that yes.

I think that’s all a bit suspicious too, tbh.

Some possibilities:
  • He's a student whose course starts in October
  • He lost his job during lockdown, like thousands of other people, which is why he decided to take the extended trip
  • He's working from home and can do that fine from Italy since they have internet and a small time difference to the UK
  • He's a sex trafficker

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

PlanDeRaccordement · 21/07/2020 08:41

Country
Well yes, but that doesn't mean he wasn't accepting the no and he is pushing for anything. It could meanthey talked about it, he told his parents what happened and they offered.

If it ended there, I’d agree with you. But the fact is he then went back to the DD and OP and said the what if she travels with my family? By that action alone he’s not accepting the initial no.

Jocasta2018 · 21/07/2020 08:44

How long is a few months?
A few months means they've been dating during lockdown?
(Then both families have shown a severe lack of judgement....)
Or were they dating before lockdown and have been separated for months?
If they have been separated by lockdown for months it could have turned into a Romeo & Juliet situation - far more intense as true love has been denied.....
If they had been seeing each other regularly, the way it used to be pre-COVID, I would be much happier about her going. The relationship could've progressed normally, you might've met his family, etc.
Personally I would err on the side of caution. If things had been the way they were - no separation, more chance to see each other, relationship developing at a slower pace - then I would probably let her go.

dayswithaY · 21/07/2020 09:06

Urgh Hmm the Cool Mums are out in force on this one. You're just looking back wearing very rose tinted spectacles at your own youth and wishing you could have a romantic Italian summer of your own.

She's only just 16 and in her first sexual relationship, therefore she's vulnerable and very trusting. He's 19 and the power balance seems off. Parents that speak little English, have provided sketchy details and won't even be under the same roof? No, no and no.

All 16 year olds have missed their prom and had disappointments but you don't rectify it like this.

cuntryclub · 21/07/2020 09:11

the Cool Mums are out in force on this one. You're just looking back wearing very rose tinted spectacles at your own youth and wishing you could have a romantic Italian summer of your own.

Don't be ridiculous. It's not about being 'cool' it's about weighing up the pros and cons of the individual 16 year old.

She's only just 16

Is she?

and in her first sexual relationship,

Is she?

therefore she's vulnerable and very trusting.

OP has described her as mature. Not vulnerable.

If you don't agree that she should be allowed to go, that's fine, just don't make up things that haven't been said to justify that.

Itsarattrap · 21/07/2020 09:17

Putting any ethical arguments aside, the fact that Italy is still subject to local lockdowns means a No from me.

Prettybluepigeons · 21/07/2020 09:34

As I've said before, it would be a no from me.
However, if you're still dithering you need to take following into account:

  1. Where in Italy? Big city with easy access to transport links or remote rural area?
I would want to know that if things went tits up, she could escape easily.
  1. If she lost her passport or her credit card, would she know what to do? If she was in an accident or fell ill, would she know what to do?
  2. If the boyfriend turned out to NOT be the nice chap she thinks he is, what would she do?
Prettybluepigeons · 21/07/2020 09:36

And I've asked my just turned 20 son if he would have gone out with a year 11 girl when he was 19. He looked at me in horror and said " that is creepy as fuck! No!"

cuntryclub · 21/07/2020 09:40

@Prettybluepigeons

And I've asked my just turned 20 son if he would have gone out with a year 11 girl when he was 19. He looked at me in horror and said " that is creepy as fuck! No!"

Well that's that then. Your DS has spoken.

HumanAndDancer · 21/07/2020 09:42

Dd has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for a few months, it's all very serious and they stay at each others houses regularly.

This doesn't make any sense at all @Loopylou6. How long have they been together? We have been in lockdown for four months. How can they possibly have been staying at each other's houses regularly?

MaybeDoctor · 21/07/2020 10:01

I wouldn’t, to be honest.

I went away with a friend aged 16, to a large youth camp. It was a relatively safe environment, but not much direct supervision. My friend and I had a falling out on the first night, which was a problem because we were camping together. I was upset so withdrew from a lot of the activities and started taking long walks around the countryside, not really eating etc. I would have been quite vulnerable. In the end an adult spotted that I wasn’t well and I spent a night in the medical room. I ended up going home early for unrelated reasons, due to an emergency at home, but looking back it showed how easily things could go wrong.

At age 16 I would worry about rows, accidents, boredom, loneliness and her vulnerability to other men, rather than the boyfriend.

Vodkacranberryplease · 21/07/2020 10:03

@dayswithaY *Urgh hmm the Cool Mums are out in force on this one. You're just looking back wearing very rose tinted spectacles at your own youth and wishing you could have a romantic Italian summer of your own.

She's only just 16 and in her first sexual relationship, therefore she's vulnerable and very trusting. He's 19 and the power balance seems off. Parents that speak little English, have provided sketchy details and won't even be under the same roof? No, no and no*

And that's a no from me too, to all of that, I've just been to Italy a lot and know a lot of Italians and they are very family focused and careful - far more so than here. The son may not be that worldly at 19 (could be just 19) and the daughter could be almost 17 and running rings around him!

This is the age where kids are breaking away, taking risks and living to tell the tale. As responsible parents you do the basics (teach them how to look after themselves) but they MUST do the rest themselves. No one learns through being told.

So she's with a family. He's a boyfriend who is known not a stranger. The family live here so not vanishing. Italy is a pretty safe country - safer than the UK. You make sure she has access to a credit card and learns to speak Italian well enough to get herself out of trouble and you make sure she texts you most days. She has an amazing time most of the time, has some minor problems she overcomes and grows up a wee bit.

Or you tell her no, separate her from her first love and make her sit here. Where she will be missing him and doing what exactly? Drinking too much with mates? It's not romantic it's realistic.

It's about looking at real risk not saying this girl got kidnapped in Italy by a criminal so she can't go. Ok so his family are not wealthy - no English plus only getting 10 days hol tells me that.

it's also a massive leap to paint him as a predator. He's almost certainly possibly a mummy's boy (still a thing there) a maybe a bit naive hence the younger gf. Maybe not very confident with girls and at that age probably in love. Not sure why he's there till Oct (apart from because he can) and what he does here (a student?) but you find that out. If you don't like what you find out it's a no.

Also where is she going - all of Italy is on holiday in August and most holiday there or nearby (it's a month so most do there and maybe a week or two abroad). So no where will be quiet. There are eyes and ears everywhere and adults who will look out for a young english girl.

She needs to learn decent Italian though. Not just where's the train but a few phrases to get proper help. Your phone number in Italian. 'Please call the police they won't let me go' Etc. I don't feel well. Is there a doctor that speaks English.

cuntryclub · 21/07/2020 10:08

I went away with a friend aged 16, to a large youth camp. It was a relatively safe environment, but not much direct supervision. My friend and I had a falling out on the first night, which was a problem because we were camping together. I was upset so withdrew from a lot of the activities and started taking long walks around the countryside, not really eating etc. I would have been quite vulnerable

Who was at home for you? Why did you not contact them? Why did you not know you were able to leave? Too many questions here tbh.

If anyone's 16 yo is going away it's imperative that they know they can always call, that can always come home, they have funds available to get home etc.

I'm sorry you had a bad time of it but I do think it's a bit of a failing on your responsible adults part not to have made you aware of your choices.

StillWeRise · 21/07/2020 10:18

'the better London sets'
FFS
clearly OP isn't worried about the sex per se or the age difference as she already was OK with this
going abroad on holiday independently with a friend, possibly risky but also probably fun and a learning experience
independent holiday in the UK with friends, ditto
but this set up could very forseeably lead to OP's daughter bored, isolated, falling out with bf and having no easy way to get out of the situation, - even if we don't consider the far more alarming possibilities.
I'd be interested to hear from OP about what she has decided

Hardbackwriter · 21/07/2020 10:22

but this set up could very forseeably lead to OP's daughter bored, isolated, falling out with bf and having no easy way to get out of the situation

It's 10 days, she's not going for a year abroad. If she falls out with the boyfriend and has a bit of a crap holiday it'll be a shame but it's also the sort of perfectly normal life experience that no one should be trying to shield their child from.

pomdownunder1 · 21/07/2020 10:35

Not a chance at 16

MaybeDoctor · 21/07/2020 10:36

@cuntryclub

I went away with a friend aged 16, to a large youth camp. It was a relatively safe environment, but not much direct supervision. My friend and I had a falling out on the first night, which was a problem because we were camping together. I was upset so withdrew from a lot of the activities and started taking long walks around the countryside, not really eating etc. I would have been quite vulnerable

Who was at home for you? Why did you not contact them? Why did you not know you were able to leave? Too many questions here tbh.

If anyone's 16 yo is going away it's imperative that they know they can always call, that can always come home, they have funds available to get home etc.

I'm sorry you had a bad time of it but I do think it's a bit of a failing on your responsible adults part not to have made you aware of your choices.

@cuntryclub

Well, I didn't have a mobile phone back then - along with 99% of the population - so it was a slightly different time. My return date was fixed as 30th July, so when the problem happened on 25th July I thought that I just had to stick it out until then and by withdrawing was just doing what I could to make it bearable. Part of the reason for the long solitary walks was to track down a phone box so that I could call another friend to hear a friendly voice! I definitely didn't have the kind of relationship with my parents where I could have asked them to come and collect me - it was over 100 miles away and they would also have expected me to stick it out, as it was just what you did back then and I would have been seen as causing trouble.

In the end my second phonecall to my friend revealed the emergency happening at home (it involved one of my other schoolfriends and was a police matter). I called my parents at that point, who agreed that I should come home to speak to the police. One of the camp leaders kindly drove me into the nearest city where I caught a coach back to London and then met my father at a mainline station.

I agree with you, it does seem very strange looking back on it now and my parents probably should have put some kind of safeguards in place - what to do if things go wrong - but fundamentally the risks arose from being too young, in an unfamiliar place and lacking enough adult supervision.

WhatamessIgotinto · 21/07/2020 10:42

perfectly normal life experience that no one should be trying to shield their child from.

I don't think it's a 'perfectly normal' thing for a 16 year old child to go through at all. Older, yes, I had a hideous holiday with a boyfriend when I was 21, but I was an adult and much more emotionally equipped to deal with it. I don't think a 16 year old, no matter how mature her mum tells us she is, is really equipped for shit like that, especially a thousand miles away.

Loopylou6 · 21/07/2020 11:23

Ok just to clear up some questions, they started seeing each other in December after being friends since he arrived here from Italy 2 years ago, they came here for a better education, his mum attends college here.
When the lockdown started they didn't see each other for over a month, then when it got safer, they started to see one another pretty much daily, neither of them drink, both enjoy to cook together etc, ive spent quite a bit of time with him.
The mum, from what I've heard is very sweet, she even took ages translating an Italian recipe to english and giving my dd the special ingredients to make it.
I think I will let her go, I've spent hours weighing up the pros and cons, and I feel as sure as I can that he will look after her, but I also know that she is more than capable of looking after herself, I have told both of them that I will be face timing twice a day.

OP posts:
AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 21/07/2020 11:40

See, my DS is 20 and thinks it is creepy (borderline noncy) was his expression. He says if she was in sixth form at least that would be different. But that doesn't change my opinion that I would allow this - everyone has different preferences and tolerances around things like age gaps and to me, 16 and 19 is normal. I wouldn't change my opinion because 'a man has spoken', I would still weigh up my own feelings, the risks and benefits, and I still think it would be OK.

Megan2018 · 21/07/2020 11:42

You let them see each other a month in to the lockdown???!!!
I didn’t see my own family for 4 months.
As you clearly don’t give a fuck about the pandemic then I’d say your parenting is already pretty crap and its lost cause....

Hardbackwriter · 21/07/2020 11:49

@Megan2018

You let them see each other a month in to the lockdown???!!! I didn’t see my own family for 4 months. As you clearly don’t give a fuck about the pandemic then I’d say your parenting is already pretty crap and its lost cause....
Just checked and given that you (like me) have one child who isn't old enough to have any autonomy I think it's a bit foolish to judge the parents of teenagers for what they are or aren't able to make their kids do...
IrmaFayLear · 21/07/2020 11:55

Also, who has a "relationship" when they're 16, during GCSEs?! Talk about being old before your time...

Along will come posters saying they were married and bought a house and had three children by the time they were 16 - and had joined the army into the bargain - but no normal teen acts or should act like that.

The thought of waving my 16-year-old dd off on a shag-fest... nooooooooo.