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Original poster

Need advice, would you let your 16 yo dd do this?

289 replies

Loopylou6 · 20/07/2020 12:18

Dd has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for a few months, it's all very serious and they stay at each others houses regularly.
Her boyfriend is not English and has gone back to home country for 2 and a half months to visit his other family. Dd had wanted to fly over herself for a week to stay with him, which I said no to. Anyway, shes told me last night that his family are flying over for 10 days to visit him im his home country, and have invited her to go with them, he will pay her plane tickets and she will stay with him in an apartment.
She's desperate to go, but I'm not sure, she's had an extremely rough couple of years through no fault of her own, didn't get to have a prom because of covid etc, and I think it'll be a lovely adventure for her, she gets on well with his family as she spends alot of time at his house.
But she's only 16, altho she's very mature, so i just don't know
WWYD?

OP posts:
Hardbackwriter · 21/07/2020 13:37

I think there was a lot of enjoyment in plotting and sneaking around. How boring if your mum is enthusiastically enabling everything.

If you want your teens keeping secrets from you, having sex in public places because they don't have anywhere private and feeling like they can't come to you if they do genuinely need help then that's your choice, but let's not pretend it's good parenting.

Feelingpoorlysick · 21/07/2020 13:40

Absolutely not.

Baaaahhhhh · 21/07/2020 13:59

She'll be marking herself out as not respectable and of no value. Of no value to her parents either as they send her off to have sex with a boy she has been with for 'a few months'

Do people still really think like this - wow !

Interested in this thread?

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Families
IamMaz · 21/07/2020 14:07

NO!

Randomfires · 21/07/2020 14:44

@Hailtomyteeth there’s no place for misogyny in the modern world. Move on

IrmaFayLear · 21/07/2020 15:16

But Italians ( and I generalise with good knowledge here) are not as liberated in outlook as you might like. There is a saying there “All women are whores apart from my mother and my sister”. I know it doesn’t sound very catchy in translation but you get the drift.

It doesn’t matter whether you approve or not, you have to think why is this jaunt being mooted when 99% of people in Italy would be thinking a situation where the 19-year-old son is in an apartment with his 16-year-old English girlfriend is Shock

to turn it around I’d be surprised if one of ds’s friends had a, say, a 16-year-old Italian girl staying in a apartment on holiday. And having it all paid for... the balance doesn’t seem right.

chubbyhotchoc · 21/07/2020 15:57

No but I wouldn't be allowing what you're currently allowing either. Believe you neck

chubbyhotchoc · 21/07/2020 16:01

Oops weird typo there. I was going to say there's a good chance the Italian family will have a very poor opinion of your daughter given that it sounds like they're in an intimate relationship. I have Mediterranean relatives and she would just be a low value toy in their eyes to be used and discarded when their son gets bored.

chubbyhotchoc · 21/07/2020 16:03

@Hailtomyteeth and @IrmaFayLear have it right. British girls are usually particularly poorly thought of.

Fanthorpe · 21/07/2020 16:13

Yep, there’s millions of people with ridiculous beliefs about women and their behaviour but it’s still a load of hypocritical old bobbins.

buttonup26 · 21/07/2020 16:15

Definitely no

pinkyboots1 · 21/07/2020 16:19

Not a chance.. she's 16 years old and in a fairly new relationship. Regardless of where she's going or the age difference,the fact that you've not met the other parents etc is a big concern. I'd want them to wait a while yet.

IrmaFayLear · 21/07/2020 16:20

I wonder if people would be keen to let their dd go to, say, India and stay in an apartment with their boyfriend separately from the family? Would they still maintain that any raised eyebrows were outdated and it was all fine?

I think the separate apartment in this case is weird and doesn’t sound like the family care two hoots for the girl’s welfare or about respecting her family. It sounds like they’re pleasing a horny son.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 21/07/2020 16:26

No way in hell, even ignoring Covid .

The relationship is too short, she doesn't speak the language, she'd be travelling with people that barely understand her, I'd not be happy about the bf paying for her plane tickets either or her being nearly fully reliant on him once there.

Too many things could go wrong, too many possibilities for her to feel pressured into things or like she owes him something etc.

cuntryclub · 21/07/2020 16:32

I was going to say there's a good chance the Italian family will have a very poor opinion of your daughter given that it sounds like they're in an intimate relationship.

It can't be that poor surely, otherwise they wouldn't be offering to travel with her nor would they be having her to stay over at their home already?

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 21/07/2020 16:36

It can't be that poor surely, otherwise they wouldn't be offering to travel with her nor would they be having her to stay over at their home already?

Common misconception. A lot of families from certain cultures/countries/religions (my own included) are quite happy to have girls over /live with their sons. Some might even say they welcome them with open arms. The actual opinions of the families, the gossip and their view of the girls is an entirely different issue.

WeAllHaveWings · 21/07/2020 16:45

The combination of being only 16 and only knowing the bf for a few months (some of which were in lockdown) would be a no from me.

Being abroad at 16 during a global pandemic would also be a concern.

Maybe next year if they are still together.

Hardbackwriter · 21/07/2020 16:50

So now we've gone from sex trafficking to the mum being some sort of pimp procuring the OP's DD for her daughter. People have very vivid but quite disturbing imaginations on this thread.

cuntryclub · 21/07/2020 16:50

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble

It can't be that poor surely, otherwise they wouldn't be offering to travel with her nor would they be having her to stay over at their home already?

Common misconception. A lot of families from certain cultures/countries/religions (my own included) are quite happy to have girls over /live with their sons. Some might even say they welcome them with open arms. The actual opinions of the families, the gossip and their view of the girls is an entirely different issue.

Ok. Does it matter? Realistically? What they actually think is not of much relevance as it doesn't affect the situation.

Randomfires · 21/07/2020 18:00

@IrmaFayLear what on Earth is wrong with India? There are some strange and disturbing views on this thread. Everyone’s scared of ‘foreigners’!

Skyla2005 · 21/07/2020 18:12

No I wouldn’t and I wouldn’t be happy about her being with a 19 year old man either ! Sorry but I wouldn’t be encouraging this atall his too old for her

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 21/07/2020 18:14

Ok. Does it matter? Realistically?

No. Not at all. Was just explaining to people saying it can't possibly be like that.

I already gave my reasons why this would be a big fat NO for me.

IrmaFayLear · 21/07/2020 18:40

Nothing wrong with India. But surely you would see that culturally it would be astonishing for a family to condone a visit from an English girl sitting in an apartment with their son.

I am not foreigner bashing - what a cheek! , I am pointing out that different societies have different norms, and it is ridiculous to assume that everyone is of the same mindset as you.

As I have said, it’s not so much the holiday (in spite of the Covid factor) it’s the separate apartment. I swear you could poll a million Italians and they would smirk at the implication of this.

AlternativePerspective · 21/07/2020 19:13

For me it’s not the fact that there’s a three year age difference, although reading back through OP’s posts I see that they were friends before they got together, so a seventeen year old struck up a friendship with a fourteen year old? Are you absolutely sure there was nothing between them before she turned sixteen?

It also wouldn’t concern me if she went away with him and his family. What does ring alarm bells however is the fact that the parents are renting them their own apartment? So his family are very much treating this as a serious, mature relationship, possibly because of his age, but she’s sixteen. While she is obviously sleeping with this guy, and they do stay together, there is a vast difference between that and hiring their own apartment as if they were partners in a serious relationship. They’re not. She’s sixteen

If this relationship is meant to last then it will (and some do last,) but it needs to grow with their age, not be facilitated and almost encouraged by treating them as a cohabiting couple.

For that reason I would say not a chance.

cuntryclub · 21/07/2020 19:17

What does ring alarm bells however is the fact that the parents are renting them their own apartment?

I think he is staying at the apartment while he is over. The parents are just going for 10 days. Of course she would stay with him and not his mum.

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