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Original poster

Do most people see second weddings a bit "meh"?

169 replies

Fressia123 · 17/07/2020 07:38

We've announced our upcoming wedding to our family and everyone's response has been lukewarm at best. Only one cousin replied with a "I'm so happy for you".I'm really surprised because my mum knows how much my first one was a non event and knows how much I want to have a nice and happy wedding.

The children are very thrilled (couldn't ask for more really) and so are a couple of my friends.

Considering how happy everybody is about the baby I thought it would be a similar response. Has it been the same for other people and their second weddings?

OP posts:
mdh2020 · 17/07/2020 07:43

We have been to some very joyful second weddings. Even my sisters third wedding was celebrated with gusto. Maybe everyone is just busy coping with the current situation

stellabelle · 17/07/2020 07:45

Maybe not "meh" , but more " well it's the second time around so it's not so exciting".

I've been married twice and people were pretty low-key about the second one - we'd been living together for years so it was like "oh that's nice" rather than " Whee how exciting !" .

Don't let it bother you - just enjoy your day and don't worry about how people perceive it.

AriettyHomily · 17/07/2020 07:48

Second wedding as in vow renewal or you're marrying someone new?

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Sniv · 17/07/2020 07:48

It really depends on the circumstances.

I'm friends with a couple and I'd be so happy for them if they got married, even though it's not a first wedding for either - however, those weddings were a long time ago and I didn't go to them, nor do I really know their previous partners.

However, if it was just a few years since I'd been to their first big, white weddings where they promised to love other people forever and ever and ever, and I knew the old partner well and had barely seen the new one, and they're still using the sandwich toaster I got them as a present, I might be a bit more 'meh'. I mean, I'd still be happy for them, of course, and want them to have an amazing day, but not buzzing over it.

And as for people being excited for the baby - well, a baby is always more exciting than a wedding which, at the end of the day, is just a big party from the attendees point of view.

GardenOfRaman · 17/07/2020 07:54

Second wedding as in second marriage or vow renewal thing?

First I would be happy/excited for, new start for those concerned. Second I'd just see as pretty much a normal party tbh.

Original poster
Fressia123 · 17/07/2020 07:59

Stella that's more or less how it felt. Still annoying as my family didn't attend the first one!

Sniv what you describe is certainly more his side of things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fressia123 · 17/07/2020 07:59

And I mean second marriage.

OP posts:
SilverYellow · 17/07/2020 08:01

If it's a second wedding I'd be super happy for them.

If it's a vow renewal... I'd be super happy for them as well. Especially if the first wedding was done on a budget (or similar). However, I'd phrase it as a vow renewal (not a second wedding) and explain the reason for doing it e.g. "we finally have the money to do it as we'd have liked".

Congratulations!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 17/07/2020 08:03

I don’t think many see second weddings as a big deal bar the couple in reality.

It means one set of vows solemnly promised have already been broken so a second time doing the same is a bit meh.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 17/07/2020 08:04

Enjoy it. Doesn't matter what other people think. I had a second wedding after divorcing a very abusive first husband. No one who cared about me would begrudge me it. Don't let all the 'marriage is for life' dementors affect you, they may well be along in a minute Grin I made it a bit more low key, ie no meringue frock etc, and everyone had a splendid time. Good luck and congratulations!

Lazydaisydaydream · 17/07/2020 08:04

I've only been to one second wedding (so far) and it was one of the happiest and most beautiful weddings I've ever been to! She is one of my close friends and we were all so happy for her knowing what she had been through before, it sort of made it more of a big deal rather than less if that makes sense??

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 17/07/2020 08:05

I see someone has already beaten me to it, and they got in before the minute Sad

Ragwort · 17/07/2020 08:13

Have to be honest yes I do feel that about second weddings, I married for a second time and had a very, very small wedding ... just three people at the register office & then my DPs joined us for a lunch afterwards. It was short and simple and we told most people afterwards, not in a big 'announcement' but it just came out in conversation.

We recently attended my DH's friend's second wedding (the bride's third), I found it ridiculously OTT, she wore a white, traditional dress ... , lots of guests, photos, expensive gift list etc etc the friend even asked my DH to be Best Man, but as he had been BM at the first wedding he politely refused.

So personally I think a small, quiet second wedding is better (but then I am not that keen on big weddings anyway & even my first wedding was very 'small and simple' by many standards.)

Apolloanddaphne · 17/07/2020 08:14

Two years ago my friend got married for the third time and it was her new husbands second time. It was a fairly big traditional wedding and it was wonderful. No one was 'meh' about it at all. Her two previous husbands were shits. One was violent and the second cheated on her. Her new husband is utterly lovely and adores her. We all wanted to celebrate this with her.

Original poster
Fressia123 · 17/07/2020 08:18

Our wedding is going to be very small anyways. The children are more or less in charge and super happy about it. TBF what they said was the most warming and thoughtful things anybody said.

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Ragwort · 17/07/2020 08:19

Sniv makes a good point, if you've known the original' couple as friends and there has been an acrimonious divorce, fights over custody/money etc then it isn't easy to be too excited about the 'second' wedding ... especially if it is to the OM/OW. We had this situation with some mutual friends who went through a very bitter divorce, it did all calm down after a few years but when we were invited to the second wedding of one of the couple we preferred to gracefully decline.

BackforGood · 17/07/2020 08:23

I think it does depend hugely on the circumstances.

To generalise though, yes, I'd say there is a very different 'feel' for a young couple in their 20s publicly declaring their love with a grand gesture and setting up what is anticipated to be the rest of their lives together in a sort of "major step into adulthood" type way is a very different vibe from people who have been married before, or who have dc together or who have a mortgage and been living together for 15 years already. Not that all those scenarios involve a second marriage, but it is a "scale" of excitement.

I've been to a couple of weddings where the couple had been living together for well over a decade, had a couple of dc, the house, and all the commitment already there - it then did seem odd when one of them went for the 'big white wedding' / Dad giving her away, etc type of day that seems very normal when two single young people do it.

EasilyDelighted · 17/07/2020 08:24

I think it depends on a lot of things, age, life stages, as well as circumstances of the first marriage. I've been to so many weddings now that I find it hard to summon up much excitement about any of them now, first or second doesn't make that much difference. I still enjoy going to them though. Maybe your friends and family are similar, it's nothing personal.

BogRollBOGOF · 17/07/2020 08:24

I've been to some lovely second weddings that were more joyful occasions than the first, because the couple were better matched. First time round, the relationships had their faultlines, second time they are wiser and matured through experience.

BarrelOfOtters · 17/07/2020 08:24

Yes I had an invitation last year to a the grooms first and the bride’s third. Big white flouncy bells and whistles each time, guest lists...there’s a bit of me thinking she just likes a wedding....

Other friend her second his first, beautiful day, so so happy for them, big do but very them. Loved it. She did what she wanted to do second time round.

I like second weddings as it’s usually about the couple rather than their parents!

Original poster
Fressia123 · 17/07/2020 08:25

I don't know if he's told his friends. But his family and I get very much along, where very happy about our house, we send cards to each other, etc... But it's my family that hurt the most, especially my mother.

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Hiccupiscal · 17/07/2020 08:25

Maybe I'm a miserable git, but i don't get excited about anyones wedding be it there first or 100th.
I'm a firm believer in nobody cares about your wedding as much as you..
I go to weddings but I basically see them as an inconvenience, even if I am happy for the couple..
I wouldnt worry if anyone is excited or not. You and your DP are, and you'll have a wonderful day and wishing you many happy years...

Oh and babies are way more exciting too.. a new little life you get to watch grow for as long as the person lives. Much more wonderful than a single day where vows are exchanged, and let's be honest, a huge majority of people know that weddings & marriage don't equal happiness. Where as children do bring so much joy to so many peoples lives.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 17/07/2020 08:32

@Apolloanddaphne

Two years ago my friend got married for the third time and it was her new husbands second time. It was a fairly big traditional wedding and it was wonderful. No one was 'meh' about it at all. Her two previous husbands were shits. One was violent and the second cheated on her. Her new husband is utterly lovely and adores her. We all wanted to celebrate this with her.
My thoughts exactly. What sort of miserable bastard would think this was a bad idea? If you don't want to go, don't. In MN parlance, "It's an invitation, not a summons".
dooratheexplorer · 17/07/2020 08:33

It would depend on what had happened previously and how well I knew the person/couple. If it was one of my best friends and I know she had been through a very tough time and had then found love I would be really happy for her.

I think if I did get married again (hopefully not!). I would make it a very small affair with only a few close friends and family with lunch or dinner at somewhere a bit special.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 17/07/2020 08:34

@BogRollBOGOF

I've been to some lovely second weddings that were more joyful occasions than the first, because the couple were better matched. First time round, the relationships had their faultlines, second time they are wiser and matured through experience.
Good. Me too!
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