Do most people see second weddings a bit "meh"?

[Fressia123]

We've announced our upcoming wedding to our family and everyone's response has been lukewarm at best. Only one cousin replied with a "I'm so happy for you".I'm really surprised because my mum knows how much my first one was a non event and knows how much I want to have a nice and happy wedding.

The children are very thrilled (couldn't ask for more really) and so are a couple of my friends.

Considering how happy everybody is about the baby I thought it would be a similar response. Has it been the same for other people and their second weddings?

I’ve only been to one second wedding so far - it was a very low key thing, her first wedding had been a huge lavish three day thing, but her husband turned out to be a massive shit and locked her down a flight of stairs after 6 months for seeing her friends, so we all cheered the day she applied for a divorce!
Her second wedding was a simple registry office thing, organised in 5 weeks, with a pub meal after. But it was amazing because she married the man she loved, the love and trust between them was amazing to see and she’s been happily married ten years now.
So I was more excited by the second wedding than the first.

I dislike big church weddings with the Cinderella dresses, floor length veils, stuffy venues and hour long speeches for second weddings. They feel like a bit of a sham It's a bit like, 'I've been here before, I recognize that tree, pretty sure Papa Bride said the exact same thing at the last rodeo.'
Now a second (third/fourth) time bride in a nice dress, at a nice venue where everybody is having fun, and the speeches are the wedding equivalence of "good food, good meet, good God, let's eat.' Have historically been my favorite weddings of all.

I’ve been to a couple of second weddings of friends.
I’ve found them more low key, more meaningful, less ‘giddy’, actually more enjoyable !
My reaction on being told was more ‘i am so happy for you’ rather than ‘how exciting’ - type response.
Second time round everyone is a little older, perhaps a little wiser (if they needed to be) and literally ‘been there, done that’. It’s different.
Congratulations op.

It's sad that people aren't congratulating you.

I have friends who have remarried and I've always been delighted for them. One of my friends remarried last year. She is in her late 50s as is her husband (also married before). They had a very "traditional" wedding - puffy white dress, in a Church, bridesmaids, marquee, speeches etc. I was slightly surprised that they didn't want to do something completely different but it was the day they wanted and I was delighted to be part of it.

They probably view you as married already
I confused people by announcing my nuptials to work colleagues as I'd referred to my partners family as in laws for years and everyone knew I had mortgage and kids as we chat about our daily life dramas I'd just not clarified that I wasn't achually married ! So no big squeals for me more confused looks

I could see that from a colleagues/workplace POV but we're talking about both our families.

Especially mine who knows I'm excited about getting married again and how much of a bad time I had at my first wedding/marriage.

Yes I do feel that about second weddings, particularly if the couple already has a child.

I haven't been to that many weddings, but one was a second wedding/marriage. They're both 50 with .adult children. It was your traditional wedding but instead of wearing a white dress she was wearing a blue one. There were even speeches and the bride's brothe reven made a joke that they both had found their soul mate the second time. It was a really lovely and joyous occasion. If it weren't for the price and that most of my family and friends love abroad, I would have that type of wedding. Mostly because even though I've been married I've had that experience myself.

My side of semi local friends are over the moon though.

I think its horrible that people have a nasty attitude to second weddings. Either get behind the couple 100% and support them in their commitment or dont bother going!

It's our family so I think they'll come regardless Firenight although I'm hoping they don't come now

Too many weddings (whether first or subsequent) seem to be all about the wedding, not the marriage. I'd be no less happy for a couple marrying for the second time, but I'm never going to share the excitement where the focus is on having a huge, Instagram-perfect, £££ celebration. Not saying that's what you're doing, OP, just that I'm sure I'm not the only one who just wants their friends/family to be happy with the right person.

So as someone that has never been married before, am I expected to have a small wedding and not bother anyone with it, because he's done it before?

Fuck that for starters. I have never been married. I spent a long, long time with an abusive arsehole who refused to marry me. (And I now recommend women walking away quickly if they have a BF who acts similar, it's never worth staying, that was my mistake.)

If I find someone new now, in my early 50s, damn right I'm having a decent wedding. I'm not into meringue dresses anyway, I much prefer rockabilly swing dresses, but no way am I going to hide away and have a teeny tiny wedding as if it's something I need to apologise for. I want a happy party with the people I love, and who love me, there. Good food, decent music, plenty to drink, sod the party favours and minimal speeches.

I've been to two second weddings.
Both couples got married because of property etc.

They could have had a quiet ceremony since all of them had been married before but it was an opportunity for them to show off and why not ?

I feel very much the same MulticolourMophead

I'm guessing a lot of the resentment of weddings comes from the expense of gifts, fancy hen parties and stag dos etc, but I'm not a particularly extravagant person and would never have considered asking for gifts or expecting guests to fork out anything significant. I just want the celebration with my friends and family, and I would never have expected to have to plan my wedding day differently because my partner has been married before.

I can understand people resenting weddings that have cost them a lot or been very showy, but I just cannot understand why anyone would be against second weddings being anything other than private, purely because it is a second wedding. Such a cold and judgemental mindset.

So as someone that has never been married before, am I expected to have a small wedding and not bother anyone with it, because he's done it before?

My boyfriend is a bit older than me and is divorced. We are nowhere NEAR the stage of getting engaged, and yet one daft person at work last week made an off-hand comment about 'oh I wouldn't want to end up with a second-hand husband, there'll be nothing exciting about doing everything again'. I know it's ridiculous but it did make me feel small, like if that were to happen I should feel some kind of mild apologetic shame. Sometimes relationships change and marriages break down and people go on to fall in love again - surely that's still something to celebrate.

What's the solution then for the many couples in which one person has done it before and the other hasn't

It is to have the day how they want. As big or as small as they want and if the bride (or groom) want to go all out and have a candy floss dress and pumpkin coach then fuck it, they can have that. As long as you, the guests, are not being asked to contribute any money or wear fancy dress (my pet hate) then you either go and enjoy yourselves and don't judge them on either the number of times they've been married or the style in which they do it.....or you politely decline.

What I do know is, that life is too fucking short not to use any excuse for a celebration

Love a wedding, couldn’t care less if it was the bride or grooms first or fifth. Any reason to celebrate and be around people at the moment should be a joy.

Yes but the other partner hasn't. It is a clean slate for them. I think it shows a pretty unpleasant and unkind mindset to expect someone to give up on celebrating major milestones in their life or consider them important, because they happen to be marrying someone who has been married before.

I’ve never said that. You asked me what I thought, I replied. People do whatever they please, as far as I’m concerned. It’s not a clean slate though, you chose him and that invariably has consequences. Even if some people (not you) want to spend 500 000, all fine by me, but you can’t expect me to share those same values. I respect everybody’s wishes.