Do most people see second weddings a bit "meh"?

[Fressia123]

We've announced our upcoming wedding to our family and everyone's response has been lukewarm at best. Only one cousin replied with a "I'm so happy for you".I'm really surprised because my mum knows how much my first one was a non event and knows how much I want to have a nice and happy wedding.

The children are very thrilled (couldn't ask for more really) and so are a couple of my friends.

Considering how happy everybody is about the baby I thought it would be a similar response. Has it been the same for other people and their second weddings?

Lynsey, do you know how sneery you sound? 🤔 Yes everyone knows that for some people, even if you were married to an abuser, you should be punished by not having another wedding as it makes a mockery of it. Been said up thread, but God help you if you find yourselves married to an arsehole. Misogyny at its worst. 😢

Ragwort, well, unless there was a 'till death do you part' clause enacted to enable you to marry for the second time (and you didn't say so, so forgive me if there was), what did you say in your second wedding vows that would have meant anything meaningful? That's what I mean.

I'm also then assuming that your husband was also in a non-divorced state? Otherwise, wedding vows...

Since when - in the case of your husband - did role of best man mean judge? I'm surprised that they are best of friends, I wouldn't be.

I think we shouldn’t stand in judgement of others (particularly our supposed friends) for their life choices that don’t actually harm you or others. If your ideals are that incompatible then you shouldn’t be friends. Personally, the decision I made as a pregnant, emotionally immature 24 year old with a traumatic family background is world’s apart from the decision I’m making at 40, with a full awareness of who I am. I’m not a statistic, so while second marriages might be more likely to fail, that does not mean mine will and it doesn’t mean OPs will. I’m glad we live in a society where women aren’t forced to languish in abusive or unhappy marriages. I’m glad we live in a society where you can have a second chance. I will surround myself with friends who can support that.

Sorry, Ragwort, it's more that you seem to be looking down a bit on any second wedding that dared to be more than scant. Your second wedding was acceptable to your standards but anybody who dares to celebrate theirs with more frills and flounces is somehow less worthy. That's what I meant.

It's your husband's attitude that really stunk as far as I'm concerned though.

Small weddings are great, mine was small-ish, 16 of us including me and my husband. First marriage for both, I'll never marry again whatever happens but I'm always pleased for other people no matter how many times they've done it. Hope springs eternal and all that. :)

I didn't mean to pick at your post although I did single you out... it was your husband's prissy-ness that really shocked me!

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe agree with your post entirely. It would be a boring world if we all did everything in exactly the same way. My wedding is going to be small but every detail is, covid permitting, exactly how I want it.

I’ve gone for a dress that’s much more expensive than my first one (not a meringue because that’s not me, but there’s nothing wrong with that) because I couldn’t afford it the first time and now I can - plus I genuinely love the person I’m marrying now. Sadly that wasn’t the case in the first wedding, I just didn’t think anyone would ever want me and felt scared to be alone because my self esteem was on the floor. Fine if you want a more muted affair, but I and others will celebrate how we wish. I would hate to think my friends were standing in judgement.

I absolutely agree with Lying on here, i am a bit gobsmacked at some of these miserable responses. So people are only allowed to be excited enough for a big celebration of their new commitment if they’ve led utterly blameless lives previously? Gosh imagine being that perfect

I'm very happy to see that those like me who are having a second marriage/wedding are seeing the same way I do, a second chance in life that I never thought I would ever have.

@Fressia123 I always remember a colleague at work saying she had a much bigger wedding the second time than the first. She had a huge celebration with 100s of guests. She said it was because she was marrying the right person this time. 25 years on from that second wedding, she appears to have been right.

I am DH's second wife and he is my first husband.

When we got married my PILs said they were not going to bother with a wedding present as they 'gave one the first time'.

At the time I was a little annoyed but we all ended up getting along brilliantly well and it was a mere blip in 20 odd years of a great relaitonship.

First time for me, 2nd time for my fiance . His first marriage ended in a very bad way after 20 years, he was heartbroken. I am early 40s and always swore I'd never marry.

Our family and friends are thrilled for us because they know our history and it's an actual "and they lived happily ever after"

So we've been met with excitement and a lot of interest for the wedding, even though it's 2 years away!

I was not annoyed about the lack of gift you understand, but how dismissive it felt.

But yes, DH did the big giant extravaganze the first time and ours was a registry office and 30 people in a pub.

I think I did feel very second best though. The only people I knew at my own wedding was DH and my parents and sister.

No one seemed meh about my second wedding. It was Dh’s first so maybe that helped.

Op, you mentioned a baby. I suspect that explains the reaction. It always seems a bit silly to have a big wedding when you already have a baby together. At that point your finances should be focused on your children and you have already made a bigger commitment than marriage in choosing to raise a child together.

I think it’s extremely important to marry when you have a baby tbh. The legal protections that marriage gives you are an important aspect; though of course it is possible, albeit more complicated, to do that without marrying.

Purple his first wedding was a proper big wedding even though his children were already there by then. I can't remember how old but the eldest was at least 7. In that way I feel a bit like "second best". He regrets it and regrets putting everyone through it ((their marriage only lasted months). Our wedding is definitely low key but a bigger deal than what my first was. It's definitely different to what we both had and I think that makes it special.

To be honest, I think it's poor of your mum not to show much interest regardless of previous marriages. I'd just crack on with the arrangements if I were you.

My mum has been the same, but she’s never shown any interest in any aspect of my life - first marriage, second, babies... it is horrible.
You have a lovely family now OP with your DH to be and that is what matters.

YES.
I find it hard to muster up enthusiasm for first weddings tbh. It's a very cynical time we live in where marriages don't seem to last long at all .

I'm a bit meh at second weddings.
If my 1st marriage doesn't work out, fine
move on be happy no issues there but I couldn't make those promises again.

No judgment to anyone that does it more than once, it's just not for me.

I guess it's personal choice.

OP I’m happy for you. The Meh brigade can be cynical to their heart’s content. When you know better, do better. That’s what we’re doing. If people can’t be happy - who cares. They only make themselves miserable in the long run.

If you have a baby and a house then presumably you have already effectively committed to being together forever. So the wedding probably isn’t that much of a big exciting deal compared to two 25 year olds.

This ^

People seem to be confusing "not being really excited about it" with "not being happy for them". There's a difference, IMO.

Of course people deserve a second chance. Of course it is nice to see someone who's been through the mill a bit, now happy. However, that doesn't mean that everyone is going to be really excited about details of the wedding day, etc, as people might be when it is a big first step into committing to be together as adults.

I come from an Indian Hindu background and second weddings are treated a bit inferior if the woman had a Hindu wedding before (not as many events, not as many gifts / cash gifts). If not then it wouldn’t matter.

Congratulations OP!

Thinking about it, it may just be the reaction of some people to the engagement, rather than a view of the marriage. And I think it might be due to the fact you have a baby.

I think if you get married before kids it’s seen as the moment of committing to that person, so it’s exciting, the start of something new. If you already have a baby with them then you’ve already made a massive commitment to life with that person. The marriage is perhaps “sealing” rather than starting something.

I have been less excited when friends with kids have got engaged, but just as involved and thrilled at their wedding and marriage. Maybe your family will be the same.

I would hope so pea but the rimesy I've spoken to.my family since then no mention has been made about it. So I have a hunch they definitely won't get it involved.

I’m glad we live in a society where women aren’t forced to languish in abusive or unhappy marriages. I’m glad we live in a society where you can have a second chance. I will surround myself with friends who can support that

Totally agree and this is my response when people moan about the divorce rate. Because, it's often, but not always, women that have traditionally been doing the languishing.

Second marriages are different regardless of reasons for the first not enduring.
I think by the time you get to three or four ‘forsaking all others, till death do us part’ It becomes a bit meaningless and ‘really?’ but it’s for the couple to decide and marriage is better than not for security for the woman and any children of the union. It does become more of a business arrangement than a commitment.

That said I’ve been to a few lovely second weddings. My mother in law had a series of celebrations, an Anglican blessing, a Catholic blessing and a registry office marriage. She was 82 and it was really rather charming. They both took their vows very seriously and will, I am sure, be together until parted by death.
I went to a Druid wedding too which was very different from the traditional white dress affair but much more joyful than we thought it would be. Broom jumping and wrist binding then dancing under the moonlight.

Second weddings can be an opportunity to be a bit more fun and less constrained by expectations. They cannot be such a big personal investment so aren’t as breathtaking as when the church doors are opened and a beautiful young woman starts to process down the aisle but that doesn’t make them unpleasant or less important to the people making the vows.