Do most people see second weddings a bit "meh"?

[Fressia123]

We've announced our upcoming wedding to our family and everyone's response has been lukewarm at best. Only one cousin replied with a "I'm so happy for you".I'm really surprised because my mum knows how much my first one was a non event and knows how much I want to have a nice and happy wedding.

The children are very thrilled (couldn't ask for more really) and so are a couple of my friends.

Considering how happy everybody is about the baby I thought it would be a similar response. Has it been the same for other people and their second weddings?

I agree with the above about young 20-somethings starting out their lives together as opposed to people in their late 30s who've been living together for 15 years and have three kids. What heartfelt/traditional/cheesy 'starting out' sentiments are there to express that have any relevance? It's normal to make speeches and comments contrasting their new happy all-grown-up married life with their previous young, highly exaggeratedly sad, lonely, miserable single existence and how it's now all-change in their life; but it would be awkward in the extreme to compare her new life with this husband with her old life with that husband.

I'm not saying that anybody should feel forced to stay in an unhappy marriage, and it's completely different when you're the innocent party whose former spouse treated you appallingly; but there is an inherent feeling among many that, if you don't appear to take marriage seriously, why should they?

Contrast this with the experience when an old widow and widower meet and both find love for a second time. Even if the couple themselves want it to be low-key, their families and friends are usually full of excitement and happiness for them.

I had a not overly close relative who had been with Jane for quite some time. They appeared to be very happy together and we were really chuffed for them when we received a wedding invitation as we'd always thought how lovely Jane was. When we opened it, it was 'to celebrate the wedding of Mark and Sally'. We trekked a long way to the other end of the country to go and support them (hardly anybody else on his side other than his immediate family was there) and it was a nice enough occasion, with a few subtle suggestions that there might have been a pregnancy involved and a number of other things that didn't really sit right with us - there was a bit of a cloud in the air and definitely none of the normal 'all loved up' feeling of two families joyfully coming together.

The next time we saw him, we were introduced matter-of-factly to his new wife Cathy, who was pregnant. They subsequently went on to have a second child and AFAIK, he's still with her, but there was no acknowledgement of what happened to Sally and we hadn't been invited to the wedding with Cathy - I don't know if it was a muted affair or not.

However much you wish them well, it's hard to get too excited n their behalf. Maybe we're BU, but we felt rather put out that we'd already spent so much and put ourselves out (I know: invitation, not summons!) to go to the previous wedding and it had obviously all come to nothing in a very short space of time.

[none of these are the people's real names]

I could definitely understand it from friends. But like I've mentioned the general "meh" feeling has been from our immedoy family. My friends who know how much I suffered/love my new life are pretty chuffed.

My mother and sister (and to some extent my dad) know about my own personal struggles. And not say anything? Really?

We didn't get a congratulations or a "I'm so happy for you" from any of them. As I've mentioned it makes me just want to have our kids and anybody who's actually shown to be happy for us.

It's ok to not be excited but it's definitely a downer that they didn't even express a "happy for you guys".

They cannot be such a big personal investment so aren't as breathtaking as when the church doors burst open and a beautiful young woman starts to process down the aisle

I think everyone has an automatic image in their head of every second wedding being later in life, after a long first marriage. When I marry my partner, it will be his second wedding, but I will still be a young woman walking down the aisle for the first time. I don't think an ill judged first relationship my partner got suckered into at 18 and pressured into viewing marriage in your first relationship as the "done thing", makes us automatically in a later phase in our life and relationship where we're past all that. Despite it being my partner's second wedding, I would still be the first of my friends to get married so I'd like to think they wouldn't be viewing at as "just his second wedding"

I understand the scepticism about 3/4+ weddings but I think it must be incredibly common for people to have a disastrous first marriage when they're young and naive, and possibly experiencing something abusive and/or toxic because they don't yet have the experience to avoid it, and be in a far better position to make those promises to the right person the second time around. It seems to be quite common on this thread for people to jump straight from viewing someone as married once, to married many times, not taking their commitments seriously, and being ridiculous. It seems a particularly sad judgement to make of your friends getting married for the second time, as they've probably been through a pretty tough time one way or another for the first marriage to have failed, and most in need of friends and family to actually care about the happiness they have found since, rather than just write them off as never going to settle down so this relationship doesn't really matter.

I love how many people are saying things like “they cannot be such a big personal investment”... my second wedding is a much bigger personal investment after being hurt terribly first time around and spending a long time devastated and lonely. Trusting someone again and making those promises despite knowing how badly it can go wrong is a much, much bigger personal investment than blithely tripping down the aisle at 22 full of naivety.

Like others have said, it completely depends on the circumstances and what age/stage the couple are at/how long since their last wedding etc.

Our friends got married 7 years ago, have since divorced and now one of them is marrying someone else.

It seems like just yesterday we forked out for a hen weekend, a stag weekend, a destination wedding and gave them a very generous wedding present.

Now that one of them is doing it all over again... I do feel a bit ‘meh’ about it and I know a few of our friends are a bit miffed at having to fork out a lot of money again. If they want to refund me the £££ I spent the first time round, I’d be more enthusiastic!

Ive only been invited to a second marriage, I did not go as I was a +1 and had never met them.

Personally I think vows only need renewing when the have been broken, and anniversary parties are more than adequate for a lasting marriage celebration.

Do I think second weddings are meh? depends on the circumstances.

Personally I think vows only need renewing when the have been broken

That's the general impression that most folk have. The happy couple may well be intending to convey and cement the fact that they're just as devoted and madly in love as they were 20 years ago, but the congregation will all be thinking "I wonder if t was him or her that had the affair?"

@Pogmella Your ex was an arse. You can have a happy marriage; and I sincerely hope you do. Also many people manage to have great relationships without marriage. I was talking about why I find second weddings ‘meh’. I differentiate between marriage as a contract, arguably as an institution, or a form of relationship.

It just seems a bit of an unnecessarily harsh leap to go from once, to umpteenth. You don't think someone can sincerely make these promises twice in their life, having learnt from the mistakes of the first time?

Some possibly maybe, the majority honestly: no. I’ve seen enough people profess their undying love again, for it all to come crashing down again. And that’s okay really, people make mistakes. What I don’t get is doing it all again in public, apart from a modest celebration (like you’ve just bought a house – people also celebrate that). What goes on between the couple is different.

What happens in public will inevitably result in people judging you, still everybody should do whatever they please, what other people think is irrelevant and you have every opportunity to prove them wrong.

Renewal of vows though? I'd never say so to anybody but yes, that's not the same as a new marriage and I personally don't see the point.

I do know though that there are reasons why people want them. I have a friend who was wearing the only dress that fit her for her marriage. She's still with the same husband but now much slimmer. She wants to have a renewal wearing the dress of her dreams. Is she right? Wrong? Who knows.

If it were me in her position, I'd have a series of photos taken of me in my new dress but I'm not in her position and nor is anybody else.

I think people forget that when they give their 'what I would do' view on here, without tempering it at all, they cause unwitting (or more likely, purposeful) hurt to posters reading. I don't understand the need to do that and think that if you (general) do this then there's something very lacking about your character. Live and let live, an excellent maxim to live by wherever possible.

What I don't get is doing it all again in public, apart from a modest celebration

What's the solution then for the many couples in which one person has done it before and the other hasn't?

It's not 'in public' or for the public though... it's in front of family and friends and they should be decent enough to be gracious regardless of their personal feelings.

I hate going to weddings, any weddings. It's an honour to be invited though and I treat the occasion as such.

I don't like weddings, I think most of them are about people getting to be the centre of attention and prance around like they are royalty for a while. I've been a bridesmaid 3 times and 2 of the "happy couples" were divorced after a few years and the other couple probably would be if he found out about the affair she had before they'd celebrated their first anniversary.

I think weddings can really bring the worst out in people too, my friend I was a bridesmaid for spoke of nothing but her wedding for a full year before the day, all she ever wanted to talk about was dresses and flowers and seating plans and catering blah blah blah and we all had to spend so much of our time and money meeting her expectations of us. Spent well over 10K on the day that she couldn't afford, had to move back in with her parents rent-free and her father had to sell all of his land to help pay. She didn't smile once on her wedding day the spoiled brat!

My oh's brother invited us to his wedding in Crete, spent the week before the wedding not speaking to his fiance and they were both slagging each other off something rotten. All smiles and lovey-dovey for the big day and then back to wanting to push each other into bottomless lakes again the next day. They treated their family/guests like puppets, telling us what to wear, who we could/couldn't speak to, trying to force us to drink, forcing the wedding party to perform a fucking dance!

It's all so fake, 9/10 they'll be divorced in a short time anyway so I begrudge wasting my time and money entertaining their whims.

I did t realise people were so grumpy about weddings in general.

What's the solution then for the many couples in which one person has done it before and the other hasn't?

I don’t know. I still think a modest celebration is most appropriate since one of the partners has already had a go. In above situation, you probably fully realize that one partner has already had firsts with someone else so it’s a bit different from starting with a clean slate.

The only thing I find is that if you’ve already committed yourself once to making all sorts of promises in front of a crowd that the second time round you’re probably better off showing a bit more humility. Just that really. And again everybody should do whatever they please, and I wish everyone a joyous wedding/happy marriage.

It's not 'in public' or for the public though... it's in front of family and friends and they should be decent enough to be gracious regardless of their personal feelings. I hate going to weddings, any weddings. It's an honour to be invited though and I treat the occasion as such.

Fair point, but I don’t think that most posters on here who have been sceptical of second weddings are unable to put their personal feelings aside for the benefit of their friends/family. I just treat it as a normal celebration, nothing more nothing less.

What's the solution then for the many couples in which one person has done it before and the other hasn't

Registry office with immediate family?

Couples should do what they like and friends and family can make their own choices. I’m having a small gathering of 25 but I’m having a church and a beautiful dress. If people don’t want to come, then I would love them to make themselves known, save us a few pennies and leave us to celebrate with those who want to be there.

Some people have huge extravaganzas for birthdays. Others christenings. Some for housewarmings. Who cares. Go or don't go. There's no obligation. What I object to is someone else telling me what my wedding should look like.

I think the solution is to do what the couple want. Guests should go with good grace and enthusiasm - regardless of their own views.

I don’t know. I still think a modest celebration is most appropriate since one of the partners has already had a go. In above situation, you probably fully realize that one partner has already had firsts with someone else so it’s a bit different from starting with a clean slate.

Yes but the other partner hasn't. It is a clean slate for them. I think it shows a pretty unpleasant and unkind mindset to expect someone to give up on celebrating major milestones in their life or consider them important, because they happen to be marrying someone who has been married before.

Life is short, and second chances and new beginnings are always worth celebrating - especially for women who, unlike previous generations, have the freedom to create them.

I hope you have a glorious day OP - congratulations on getting engaged.

I'm in my late 50s and and I've only ever been to one second wedding (and that was my father's, in 1976).

I hardly know anyone who is divorced. I actually cannot think of a friend or family member of roughly my age who has been through divorce or split from a LTR, let alone get married again.

Actually, scrap that. A friend of my dh married a man who had been married before. I think that was about 10 years ago and we went to that wedding ... it was a very big affair as she had a large, close family and between them they had pots of money. So it was a nice do in a pub overlooking the Thames. So it was a first wedding for her and done in style.

Otherwise, I can't think of any second weddings. I definitely haven't been to the wedding of someone I've witnessed getting married before.

When DH and I got married 4 years ago it was a second marriage for both of us,

Everyone seemed excited for us and it was a lovely day

Many congratulations

Thanks for al the lovely wishes. And thank you for all the replies it does help me understand why he's hesitant to invite his best friend (who attended his first wedding).

I'm pretty meh about big white wedding type affairs for second weddings. I've been married twice myself and my h only once.

Congratulations @Freesia123. Hope you have a wonderful day. Ignore the smug women on here who fondly believe their marriage vows will last a lifetime. I was one of them once, until I realised my love for my DH was conditional on him remaining sober and non-violent. None of us knows what the future will bring and some on here may find themselves having to eat their own words.

Chicc I think your situation is very unusual, I calculated once that well over two thirds of the weddings I have attended have ended in divorce, it is a sad statistic and I believe (can't find the source) that more than half of second weddings end in divorce.

That's one of the reasons I don't get excited about any weddings ... not being smug, I have been through a divorce myself.