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Original poster

Do most people see second weddings a bit "meh"?

169 replies

Fressia123 · 17/07/2020 07:38

We've announced our upcoming wedding to our family and everyone's response has been lukewarm at best. Only one cousin replied with a "I'm so happy for you".I'm really surprised because my mum knows how much my first one was a non event and knows how much I want to have a nice and happy wedding.

The children are very thrilled (couldn't ask for more really) and so are a couple of my friends.

Considering how happy everybody is about the baby I thought it would be a similar response. Has it been the same for other people and their second weddings?

OP posts:
SurreyHillsGirl · 17/07/2020 14:07

My sister's second wedding was one of the most beautiful, heartfelt and romantic weddings I have ever attended.

BarbedBloom · 17/07/2020 14:13

Everyone was really positive about mine but we did have a biggish wedding as it was DH's first marriage so his family all wanted to come. It only cost us 2k though, so nothing extravagant.

My first wedding was also totally dictated by my abusive ex and his family.

EasilyDelighted · 17/07/2020 14:14

That's another thing, if you already had a house and a baby, it's might seem less exciting that you are getting married because you are obviously already totally committed to one another, it's not a surprise. Whereas when a couple announce their impending marriage before buying a house / having a baby that is the first sign of them making a serious commitment and is more exciting. Nothing to do with whether either has been married before.

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Weddings
lynsey91 · 17/07/2020 14:24

I have only been to one second marriage and that was quite a small affair.

Some neighbours got married last year - the third marriage for both of them. Me and DH turned down the invitation as we don't know them that well and felt that a third marriage was making a mockery of marriage.

She wore a full meringue type strapless wedding dress and they had a big expensive wedding. Personally I thought she looked ridiculous at almost 60 and I know she wore a wedding dress both other times so not as though it was something she had always wanted

Loveinatimeofcovid · 17/07/2020 14:31

I think it’s more of a life stages thing. First weddings are often a real milestone for people signalling a truly serious relationship with potential to start a family and all the connotations of maturity and happiness that conveys. In contrast second weddings, wedding that occur many years after a relationship started, wedding after children etc. tend to hold fewer promises somehow. It’s analogous to someone fist graduating from university and someone who has graduated having gone back as a mature student to do a different undergrad degree.

Original poster
Fressia123 · 17/07/2020 15:00

He did have his massive white wedding (although the children had already been born), so I can understand his side . But I didn't have any of that and always wanted to. It just seems like a very cold response from my family.

My sister had already been loving with her now husband for many years. She was almoat 40 by then and yet my family made a massive fuzz. I actually had a massive fallout with my mother for the way she acted around it in comparison to my (fairly crappy) first wedding.

I really thought she'd at least fake some excitement but she didn't. That's what hurts the most. To the extent that I'm thinking of not inviting her or getting married even if she can't come for Covid reasons.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 17/07/2020 15:34

Have you spoken to your mum about it directly OP?

Molteni · 17/07/2020 15:38

I’m always of the opinion that people should do whatever they please, if they are happy good for them. Still I’m a sceptic so I’m inclined to think they messed up the first time so who says that the second time will be any different. I’d prefer if people would just get the legal part sorted, a low key celebration and get on with things. Hardly romantic either. So a bit of a non-event in my book.

Original poster
Fressia123 · 17/07/2020 15:40

There's no point in telling her. She'll tell me that she shows love in other ways i.e. helping with the house deposit.

I just realised my previous post is difficult to read with all the typos. What I meant that we would postpone the wedding until she could make it. Now I don't feel I'd postpone just so she can attend.

OP posts:
Plancina · 17/07/2020 15:41

@Molteni what if the reason for the second marriage is that their first partner cheated on them or beat them up?

Plancina · 17/07/2020 15:42

@Fressia123 my dad is being annoying too - he’s catholic and can’t accept that I’m not and that I wasn’t going to stay in an unhappy marriage to suit his religious beliefs. As far as I’m concerned if he’d rather I was miserable and being controlled by my partner than happy and in love then he can F off! We have plenty of friends and family who are supportive.

Original poster
Fressia123 · 17/07/2020 15:56

And we're having a very small thing. Only 20 invited and then a high tea at a lovely cafe/bar. It's not like we're doing the no expense spared type of wedding.

OP posts:
WhoisRebecca · 17/07/2020 16:15

@Fressia123 that sounds lovely. What I think is that the second wedding is a chance to do exactly what YOU want, without worrying about following tradition. My dc are walking me down the aisle. And ignore the naysayers. They are entitled to their opinion but the proof of the pudding will be a long and happy marriage. I always think my DH to be and I chose each other as proper adults.

Original poster
Fressia123 · 17/07/2020 16:26

The dog is walking me down the aisle! But everyone has a role. We're all as a family going to the different places where we think we could have our reception. They're being very involved and I think that makes me a lot happier. I wish my mum would express some joy/happiness but maybe that's not her, who knows!

Thank you to all the lovely positive posters I actually feel better about it .

OP posts:
Molteni · 17/07/2020 17:13

@Plancina Cheating is vile, abuse is horrific. People who suffer one of both have every right to end their marriage. Well everybody can end their marriage for whatever reason they please; if you want to find yourself – go for it.

Still I would be a hypocrite if I were to change my opinion. And again everybody should do whatever they please. I just don’t see the appeal, also looking at the success rate of second marriages. For me a large part is staying true to your word; some things you can only say once I feel. It’s absurd professing your eternal love for the umpteenth time, a bit like ground-hog day for the guests. Second, third marriages as a legal agreement all fine (and in some cases recommended). Doesn’t mean I don’t wish people a happy second marriage/wedding whatever – just my opinion.

SurreyHillsGirl · 17/07/2020 17:19

@Fressia123Fri 17-Jul-20 16:26:19
The dog is walking me down the aisle!

Amazing. I love this so much Smile

Pogmella · 17/07/2020 17:23

Haven’t RTFT. Had my second wedding last week though! ExH cheated on my when I was still on mat leave, we’d been childhood sweethearts and it destroyed me. 2 years later met DH and last week we got married! We planned a low key lockdown thing with the kids but loads of friends turned up outside the church and gave us a surprise confetti shower- people couldn’t be more supportive.

DH’s first (only!) wedding so we are/were planning a traditional big reception and will do that next year. For me I suppose I do like that I can already make it very ‘different’ from last time and I loved our tiny ceremony, it was very special.

You know what’s right for your family

Pogmella · 17/07/2020 17:26

@Molteni I was effectively abandoned by my first husband. He left when caught and refused to return or talk it out. Having seen what the fallout looks like both DH and I took our vows incredibly seriously even if it was apparently ‘just legal’ to some people.

In your view someone in my situation is denied any chance at a happy marriage.

WhoisRebecca · 17/07/2020 17:28

@Pogmella I wouldn’t worry about that, it sounds like you have every chance of a very happy marriage. I’ve no idea why others make such judgements as it’s nothing to do with them. Hold that view for yourself, by all means, but if someone chooses to take a second chance at love then who are you to judge.

squeekums · 17/07/2020 17:31

first or 2nd, 3rd, whatever weddings are just meh to me, no matter who it is
like yeah congratulations to the happy couple but honestly id be secretly hoping the couple opts for a destination wedding, so i have a good excuse not to go lol

Ive been to one wedding i genuinely enjoyed, it was literally on a beach, before a rave

No not a bitter single either, me and dp on our 14th year lol

MaudebeGonne · 17/07/2020 17:34

One of my husband's best friends has been married twice. His first wedding was very traditional, typical English June wedding. Nice but nothing memorable. They split up not long after as she had been having an affair and broke his heart. His second wedding was wonderful. The woman he married second time round is just lovely and they day was chilled and relaxed and great fun, and so tender and romantic. Was delighted to celebrate with them.v

aSofaNearYou · 17/07/2020 17:38

It's absurd professing your love for the umpteenth time

It just seems a bit of an unnecessarily harsh leap to go from once, to umpteenth. You don't think someone can sincerely make these promises twice in their life, having learnt from the mistakes of the first time?

okiedokieme · 17/07/2020 17:58

Coincidentally my mums friends have announced their wedding plans today, 2nd marriages for both. 50 guests and seems very romantic and personal, mum was super excited, she's making the cake apparently

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 17/07/2020 18:27

Ragwort, I found your post really hypocritical, given that you married for the second time yourself? I'm actually really surprised at your overly smug husband declining to be best man for his friend just because he'd been asked to perform the role at the first. That is some supreme self-absorbed behaviour and I hope this friend found a better one to stand in for the role of best man and hasn't bothered your husband since.

I'm not surprised at some of the grating responses on here given that OP is wanting to celebrate a second marriage. Some posters just can't help tripping over each other in the rush to say how much of a drag it all is and it's not necessary. Ugh.

OP... Best not to ask, not here. Celebrate your day with the people you love and the ones who love you. Congratulations!

Ragwort · 17/07/2020 18:35

Not sure why I am being hypocritical - my second wedding was very small as I commented earlier, three witnesses and my parents joined us for lunch.

I think it would have been very difficult to be Best Man (or chief bridesmaid) when you have performed exactly the same role for the groom (or bride) just a few years earlier. What do you say in your speech?

In this case the Groom did ask another friend to be BM and DH and from have remained close friends ever since.