What have you sacrificed to send your children to independent school?

[cheeseismydownfall]

DH and I are considering this for secondary, having made some rushed decisions in difficult circumstances that has led us to being in catchment for a pretty underwhelming secondary school. Eldest is in Y7 and it isn't working out very well for him. Two younger children in Y5 and Y3 - obviously if we go the independent route it will need to be for all three of them.

We've run the numbers and for three children it is a pretty eye-watering number (all the independents locally are £15k+ a year). It is just about affordable but would mean a significant change in lifestyle and much later retirement (we were planning to start winding down in late 50s - it would mean working for another 10 years and would need to stop overpaying on our mortgage).

My biggest worry is that if our circumstances changed we would have very little cushion in terms of taking a drop in income. It is such a massive commitment.

I'd be interested to hear from others that have faced a similar decision. If you can comfortably afford the fees or have children at an amazing state school this probably isn't the thread for you!

My friend wanted her DD in private school but just couldn't afford it. She got her a private tutor to supplement her state education instead. Perhaps that's an option for you?

Can you not just move to a better catchment?

Get a tutor instead. If it's going to be that hard, any change in circumstances and your children will have to move back to state, which won't be easy.

What are the actual issues for your oldest child and how else could you tackle them?

Larger house, foreign holidays, swish car.
I suppose the only thing I'd like to have done is taken the children to more places.
It was worth it though- I look at my children now and it was worth it.

Have you actually seen the school, and all the local schools? What does 'underwhelming' mean in this context?

I'm not pro-public schools, but a few of my friends send their children to private and the sums are eye-watering. It's not just fees, the uniform is dearer, the wrap-around care is dearer, the trips are dearer...

My friends had a fairly catastrophic blow to their savings recently and both have had their hours and therefore salary reduced because of Covid, they're having to borrow for this year's fees... I think you need a big cushion, of at least a full years' fees and extras, in the bank. Illness/redundancy etc can strike at any time. I dunno, maybe people live like that with 45k in the bank just in case, I don't.

Depends how much of a compromise you would have to make. Can you keep up with the lifestyle of the other families at least in some respects? - eg paying for trips/music lessons/tennis lessons etc etc? If not I wouldn't do it.

Surely for a minimum of £315k, probably more like £400k to put 3 through private secondary school it would work out cheaper to move?

You could employ a teacher for that amount. It's ridiculous.

But private school isn’t just about education for those saying get a tutor. It is about connections made, aspirations. I would still move to an area with a better school though, sounds like it will be so stressful getting them through OP.

No personal experience but I have a friend who's husband earns a very good wage and she works part time on a decent salary. They decided to send their 2 children to private school a few years ago, and she now regrets it so much. The fees are eye watering and then there are trips and uniforms, and keeping up with the other parents. She's realised now that her children aren't overly academic and they struggle to keep up. In hindsight, she thinks that they may have done better in their state school where there was less pressure. I know she has many sleepless nights about spending all this money and not getting much benefit, but it's very difficult to make the decision to take them out now.

My parents sacrificed their principles to send me .

I wouldn't do it unless you are a private school type. It's not easy, you don't fit in and the out of school costs are hard to keep up with. No, sorry, I can't go skiing in half term...

Plus they do such long hours, I really missed my family.

I would go down the tutur route.

Plus I have a friend who sent hers, decent enough reputation. Wow, cliquey!

Tiny year groups, very competitive, unhappy boarders (fewer of those than when I went).

They are not actually that great imo. I genuinely think you're paying a lot for not much.

I honestly don't understand all this "keeping up with other parents". In secondary, you don't generally see them! Also the indies I know, have a huge range of parental income. Yes, some are very wealthy, yes, some are also struggling. Interestingly they ALL come in the second hand uniform shop, regardless. Trips are not compulsory, no-one does everything, and actually a lot of "extra's" music, drama, sports, after school care, are not charged for.

Scholarships academic and or sporting.

My parents made us both sit for about 8 schools and the school they chose was, very simply, the one that offered the highest scholarship (we were bright... sibling has now realised their potential and super academic, I have a decent job but think I peaked aged 12 )

Lots of state school pupils have aspirations. You can't buy drive and determination and a work ethic.

I think it depends on the school. DC1 is in private secondary and uniform is no more expensive than state secondaries, the ski trip was actually cheaper than local state schools. We haven't felt any pressure to "keep up" at all. And we can't manage the fees easily, we have to budget for them.

Aspirations?!

Only you can run the numbers for your family and only you can weigh up the options for you, where you live, and what the alternatives are. Sure, there are some families for whom the fees make little impact, but there are plenty of families like ours.

Why wouldn't you move house?

Depending on which area you're in, it's worth investigating both means-tested bursaries and academic/musical/sporting scholarships. These aren't always widely advertised by the schools. Not all have them, and some schools will be struggling themselves after the Covid impact. But it's worth asking about.

I think it's one thing to make lifestyle sacrifices like no big holidays or new cars, but I wouldn't do it if it leaves you living in a constant state of financial anxiety. In that case I would, as others have said, try to move house or otherwise supplement their education instead.

Ha ha sorry for causing a stir, my DC don’t go to private school so I’m only going on what I think might be the attraction for some parents by saying aspirations. What I mean by this is that at private school, you are more likely to have a very large percentage of the parents who want their children to be successful. Maybe to follow in thier footsteps, maybe to keep up with the Jones, who knows. In a comp, it may be less so, with a mixed bag of parents, some of who are just aspiring to pay the rent that month and don’t have the mental energy to invest in what their child might become. Not saying that is the case for all state school parents, but the percentage of those who don’t have big dreams for thier children will be higher and therefore easier for your child to fall in with a crowd that don’t mind if they end up in minimum wage jobs etc. Hopefully that makes sense!

How would you feel if you spent all that money on their education and they ended up working in Tesco?

Don’t put your kids in private school unless you can really afford it.
Too many children have had to leave their independent schools because of the adverse effect of covid on family finances.
I think that putting your child in a state school and employing private tutors for core subjects is advisable.

We have two boys in private secondary school. We could only afford it as eldest got a decent scholarship. While we haven’t made major sacrifices, we have kept the same cars for years, taken modestly priced holidays and done minimal work on our house. We are in our fifties and face a few more years of fees, so cannot even contemplate early retirement which some of our friends are considering. We have limited savings. The reality is that the c£200k that we will end up paying in fees is a significant amount of cash to us and we are in a very different financial position as a result of the fees. While I can’t say I regret the decision, I do think I was naive about how it would feel once we were in the thick of it with both boys incurring fees.

Maybe consider moving them in year 9 so it's 6 less years if fees which is significant in itself. We've made huge sacrifices for DS to attend private school but the difference is night and day. He has small class sizes and teachers who aren't completely overworked and stressed. They can focus on providing a really enriching curriculum and things like social/emotional growth. But choose wisely. There are crap private schools just like there are crap state schools. But get a good private school and there's no comparison. It's not about raw academic success. You absolutely could tutor for that in a state school. It's about all the other experiences they are exposed to and being surrounded by teachers who have the time to listen to your ideas and nurture your interests.