What have you sacrificed to send your children to independent school?

[cheeseismydownfall]

DH and I are considering this for secondary, having made some rushed decisions in difficult circumstances that has led us to being in catchment for a pretty underwhelming secondary school. Eldest is in Y7 and it isn't working out very well for him. Two younger children in Y5 and Y3 - obviously if we go the independent route it will need to be for all three of them.

We've run the numbers and for three children it is a pretty eye-watering number (all the independents locally are £15k+ a year). It is just about affordable but would mean a significant change in lifestyle and much later retirement (we were planning to start winding down in late 50s - it would mean working for another 10 years and would need to stop overpaying on our mortgage).

My biggest worry is that if our circumstances changed we would have very little cushion in terms of taking a drop in income. It is such a massive commitment.

I'd be interested to hear from others that have faced a similar decision. If you can comfortably afford the fees or have children at an amazing state school this probably isn't the thread for you!

I had a full scholarship to Private school in the 80’s, never felt any different to anyone else
Dd now has a 25% scholarship and it’s never been an issue for her either.

My mum who was a single parent moved an hour and a half from her job to be close to the school she wanted to send me to (there was nothing nearer that offered the same sort of things). She drove 3 hours a day to work and back, then took an evening and weekend job as someone’s PA and doing cleaning (I used to go with her and help) to put me through secondary school. As a grown up now, I realise what a ridiculous sacrifice it was and how hard she worked to make it possible. I received a very good education. I went to uni, did well, eventually got a PhD and I have a very good career now, which wouldn’t have been possible without her sacrifices. I’m very grateful.

We can afford it as we both earn well but we are very careful with money - after all if we lost our jobs we’d struggle. We enjoy life but we don’t waste it, always shop around, we just don’t buy too much stuff generally.

Our son goes to a in need of improvement secondary. We can afford to send him to private school but we won't.
He has made brilliant local friends. People of different backgrounds and all round brilliant kids.
He'll be going to year 10 in September. We pay towards tutors if he needs help, karate and private piano lessons. We find that better than private school.
Also keeps him humble as most of his friends aren't well off. Some are on free schools meals so he never talks about the things that he has. He is very aware and appreciates that not everyone lives like we do.

I went to uni, did well, eventually got a PhD and I have a very good career now, which wouldn’t have been possible without her sacrifices.
Are you seriously suggesting a PhD and good career was only possible through private education?

Re-reading your OP - you're obviously not aiming at 40k per year public schools. Nevertheless, it's always worth enquiring about bursaries if you're keen on a particular school and worrying about fees. It helps if your child has qualities the school think they could benefit from - brains, talent, leadership potential ...

@Evelefteden

Thank you 🙏

Expensive holidays, earlier retirement. Both dh and I have to work full time in pretty full on jobs until we are 65 in order to reach our financial goals whilst paying for school fees out of income. I cannot see any other option. We have paid for nursery, then school fees, since the dcs were 1 year old, and will continue to pay for their university fees. They never got into the good state schools within catchment as they are both born in high birth rate years, so it is the private school treadmill for us.

Not me but my parents pushed back retirement and gave up overseas holidays. The fees went up year on year, you need to think about that, it's a possibility.

This is grim to say, but you want life insurance and long term disability insurance that covers your children's school fees if the worst happens to you or your partner. The last thing you want in the midst of a tragedy is having to pull children out of their schools and support networks.

I agree that what you do for one you must do for the others. I'm very grateful my parents chose the path they did and I think it set me up for life but it cost ~200k for two kids... it's a lot to think about.

We sacrificed a better house and more holidays and activities. Our house is big but quite simple and both DH and I work too much to feel brave enough to embark on any extension project. We have gone on holidays every year, a few times a year, but haven't been anywhere beyond Europe (except to our home country). I did feel bitter about not being able to travel to Asia or US, for example. Other than that, our salaries covered 2 sets of fees comfortably. Definitely worth it with DS, he is in a highly academically selective school and I love seeing what a fine young man he's turned into. DD went to an amazing prep school which was worth every penny. Her secondary school is good, also selective, but she is not getting the full value for money out of it.

If 45k + a year on education isn't going to be an easy feat, I'd have to think of what se you could use even half of that money on. Tutors. Extra curriculum activities. Travel. Savings. Security.

Can't speak for myself but my father was insistent we went to public school. Utter waste of money local grammar school got better results.

Depends on school and circumstances really.

The thing you have to think about is what will your child gain? I think private school can turn rather average kids - those that would get grades 3 to 5 at GCSE into higher performing kids IF they have good work ethics and parental support. The extra that private gives pushes them to grade 5 in their weakest subject up to a 7 in an area of strength. The students who don't do well in private ( or in any school) are those with poor executive functioning, low levels of initiation, the un motivated, lacking in parental support or who have disrupted families. For those students, despite every best effort from staff, the parents have paid £15k for the same results as they would have done at state.

I work in private. The difference is that they HAVE to do extra curricular and someone checks attendance, they can ask for support from staff and get it, class sizes are smaller ( although not tiny), generally retention of staff is reasonable, there are far fewer behavioural incidents so less time is lost in class and teachers time - so if you have a worthy lowish average who would be in bottom sets at state, they won't be so disrupted. However, they will still be worthy low average so however much a school pours into them, you can't create academic intelligence and sometimes private schools don't have the range of subjects across the curricum that would suit those sorts of kids.

So, before making this HUGE sacrifice, think 'what have I got in front of me' and 'what is private going to do'.

There is no evidence the education is better. The exam coaching is better. You can pay for exam coaching privately.

Private school isn't really an educational decision IMO, it's a social decision. It dresses up as an educational decision.

I am mcving to an area where the normal schools ‘compete’ with private for the same pupils and are just as good to give me more options. Why not do something similar?

My parents sacrificed loads to send us to independent schools. It was most definitely not worth it.

Both parents worked ft which was hugely detrimental to our family life, we never had holidays abroad - I flew for the first time aged 13 or so and only went abroad as a family once to Northern France. Our cars were utterly rubbish and broke down a lot which was v stressful. We never had the right stuff, clothes etc and we simply didn't have the social backgrounds that made it easy to fit in - I had no idea how to score tennis for eg which caused all sorts of problems. Speech days and prize giving were just stressful and uncomfortable and not 'us' at all.

Dh and I have made v different decisions and I am v happy with them compared to freids who are paying thousands every month for years just for their children to (at the moment not) go to school.

I would only pay for private if we could easily, without any stress and without both having to work ft, afford it.

Experiences as a family are far more important imo - holidays, relaxed weekends, day trips in comfortable cars, meals out, a home you can welcome others in...

I would put your money into moving, extra curriculars, tutoring and being available and present before I'd make huge sacrifices to pay to go to school.

We sacrificed absolutely nothing.
Put both children into the local State School, luckily a good one, and had lots of lovely long haul holidays around the world as a family instead.
None of us has ever regretted it. Both graduated from good universities and went on to professional careers.
I did the Boarding school crap for 8 years and knew I would NEVER subject my own children to it.

I also work in a private school and previously worked in state completely agree with @Flyingarcher. Private school is fantastic for adding value motivated but not naturally super bright students who might not have managed with a couple of weak teachers/non-specialists or huge classes/low level disruption. It is also great for the very bright who need pushing - private schools are judged by their A-A* at A level and 7-9 at GCSE so the focus from above is much more about stretching the top than when I worked in a state school. What private school doesn't do is motivate students who are naturally very lazy or have serious problems at home (we do have a lot of those).

Sounds like a no brainer to me. Send them to the local school which hardly sounds terrible if some kids do brilliantly there.

What private school doesn't do is motivate students who are naturally very lazy or have serious problems at home (we do have a lot of those).

My private school was full of people like this. It isn't the magic solution that people think it is.

Lots have done well because of their parents connections and continued funding, rather than their educational achievements and abilities.

I wouldn't consider it unless you are absolutely sure you can afford it financially. If your circumstances change, it's a huge disruption to your children's education to have to change schools again.

I don’t live in Scotland but my friends children love North Berwick High school and are doing really well.

In Scotland if you live in catchment, do you not get in?

In your circumstances I think I could make a case for only sending the eldest to private because if your move, and make sure you send the other two to a good state.

A sudden readjustment to absorb that amount of expenditure is mad!

This is interesting. DD went to private schools from the age of 5-15. She developed some mental health issues and ended up at the local state school for various reasons.

The private school she first went to from age 5-14 was wonderful. The next two not so much and we pulled her out for the local school.

Obviously adolescence was a complex time for her and she railed against the formality of the all-girls private schools, pushed the boundaries with uniforms and felt inadequate against the very high achieving girls.

At the state school she excelled. They were less stuffy about uniform, it was co-ed so some of the pressure was taken off from the all-girls environment and having a mix of pupils showed her that she was actually bright. The 9 years at the great school though helped as she had a fantastic grounding that she could leverage.

We're now heading back to the UK like you did OP and I'm also in a dilemma. There are private schools in the UK that are much more liberal and alternative to here, with pastoral care and flexibility that would suit her. She's scared to go back to private school after what happened in Y10/Y11, but I don't know if a gigantic sixth form college is right for her given the mental health support she needs.

In terms of your actual question (!), that is an eye-watering amount. As you've seen, I've had mixed experiences and what suited DD at an early age didn't suit her as a teen. It certainly made her very well rounded, with music, sport and academics and her 'CV' reads really well. I don't regret sending her there, although I do regret the move from the first to the second school (it was a specialist sporting school as DD wanted to be an Olympian, which felt like the right move at the time).

I'm happy with the fees that I spent, we certainly weren't as rich as some of the families (yachts and huge banking bonuses) but we could keep up in terms of trips and extra-curricular activities.

Those of us choosing state school, which extra curriculum activities would you advise to complement the academic side? I’m guessing private music tuition would be an important one?

If it's going to be a struggle - and £45,000.00 a year from post tax income is a lot - then I'd not do it.

From what I've read school fees have been increasing above the rate of inflation and drop Covid19 into the mix costs may go up further.

As a PP said there was a thread on here recently where the OP was having to move her DC out of an independent school which would be very unsettling.

Jobs are going to be less secure for many at all levels so unless you have a trust fund behind you as a guarantee there is always the possibility that your DC may have to go back into the state system.

With the uncertainty about country's economy going forward it would be foolhardy.