What have you sacrificed to send your children to independent school?

[cheeseismydownfall]

DH and I are considering this for secondary, having made some rushed decisions in difficult circumstances that has led us to being in catchment for a pretty underwhelming secondary school. Eldest is in Y7 and it isn't working out very well for him. Two younger children in Y5 and Y3 - obviously if we go the independent route it will need to be for all three of them.

We've run the numbers and for three children it is a pretty eye-watering number (all the independents locally are £15k+ a year). It is just about affordable but would mean a significant change in lifestyle and much later retirement (we were planning to start winding down in late 50s - it would mean working for another 10 years and would need to stop overpaying on our mortgage).

My biggest worry is that if our circumstances changed we would have very little cushion in terms of taking a drop in income. It is such a massive commitment.

I'd be interested to hear from others that have faced a similar decision. If you can comfortably afford the fees or have children at an amazing state school this probably isn't the thread for you!

@BigSandyBalls2015 love the username, that's the thing mine are both private and I know of ex students who are plumbers, trades and work in bars and restaurants.

I'm not sure on my point other that the fact private school is just a tiny part of the whole person. It hasn't made my sons more academic it's just made the learning process enjoyable and the extra support has been good for them.

If they want to work in tescos they can private education doesn't buy any special rights.

Honestly I'd say move to an area with average or above average schools, that's what we did. My relatives spent about half a million on their DC's education (my DC's cousins) and they ended up with identical A level grades as at very similar universities to my DC who went to the local comp. I'd have hated to have sacrifice our three annual foreign holidays, weekly meals and days out, unlimited activities for the whole family, having lots of local friends, a really lovely lifestyle etc, etc.

There was a good thread recently about a parent who may have to pull his/her child out of private school after two years, it's worth reading.

I work in a private school. It's non selective, very friendly and relaxed. It breaks my heart that I can't afford for my kids to attend, not because state is bad by any stretch.. Some of our facilities are not that great, especially tech, but class sizes of 15, form groups of 12, house parents (even for day pupils) means loads of academic support, dozens of clubs and societies and a school day that runs til 4.30 minimum. Many stay for tea and do CCF, Doe, extra sport etc. My son is starting state secondary and while the school is good, it doesnt offer anything like it, especially finishing at 2.45 which seems ludicrously early to me. I agree that not all schools are worth it, you need to find the right one that fits your kids and I wouldn't crucify yourself financially, but I would do it in a heartbeat if I could.

I consider myself well paid but to put both kids through private would cost c. £20-30k per year plus uniform/trips/etc and no amount of sacrifices would free up that amount of cash a side from moving to tiny house and giving up car, holidays, making every expenses torture to decide.

And tbh you send them with posh kids they got posh tastes - it all spirals.

It's also worth thinking about the university situation. We decided not to go private with ours because we would prefer them to leave uni with minimal debt. Graduate debt is crippling for some. I guess some people sacrifice that in favour of school fees. We are saving the money to pay uni tuition and put towards a deposit on a first home. We couldn't do that if we were also paying school fees.

Thank you to everyone for your thoughts so far, especially those of you who have been in a similar situation. Responding to some of the questions/ideas you've raised:

Moving - it isn't impossible but it wouldn't be easy. There are three state secondaries in the area (including the current school) - all are over subscribed, the other two very oversubscribed with wait lists in all years. Even if we moved now he might never get a place. And it would end up being a really crappy deal for him as he would then have a long bus ride to his current school instead of a lovely country walk. We would have to move within the next six months in order for middle DC to have a chance of a place. They have all moved a lot (we are returning expats - this is linked to why we didn't have the information to make the best choice at the time) and although they have coped really well with the moves so far I really don't think they would want to both move schools and houses again, and so suddenly.

Tutoring - yes absolutely this is something we can and will do. But as some of the PPs point out, I know this is only a replacement for a fairly narrow part of independent school can offer.

Keeping up - this would definitely be an issue. A couple of PPs mention that they have kids at indies that have a good mix of students from different backgrounds. My niece is at an indie like this. The buildings are all pretty old and the facilities are good but not flashy. But the fees are reasonable and spent where it counts - on smaller classes and good extra-curriculars. Sadly the independents around here are not like that and would definitely have a 'wealthy' private school culture.

University - a PP raised this and yes, this is absolutely something we have thought about. If we don't pay fees we can help them through uni and make a modest contribution to a house deposit, as well as managing our own future security. We wouldn't be able to do that if we spend half a million on fees (which is what it will cost).

Being stretched financially - this is the biggie for me really. If we could be guarantee that we will stay healthy and in secure employment with no financial disasters, then I would (I think) happily sacrifice the holidays and financial freedom. But the thought of sleepless nights over finances worries me. We are very, very fortunate to be comfortably off with good savings behind us. It would probably be pretty stupid to give that up, especially in the current economic climate.

Thank you to everyone for contributing and helping me work it through. As I said, the current school isn't awful. It is average. Behaviour is OK and some students get great results. I was always of the view that bright kids can do well in average schools (I did) but eldest DC is not very motivated and I think will underachieve unless pushed. Obviously we are doing what we can at home but I don't think the current school is going to do that. The other school has much better (really impressive) Progress 8 scores. We didn't understand this at the time we moved to the UK. I'm carrying a lot of guilt for not making the best choice when the choice was there to be made.

Oh and regarding scholarships etc - I don't think this would be a route of us. Naturally I think my kids are great but I am in no way blind to the fact they are only modestly brighter than average and have no remarkable talents in any other areas!

If you move and the middle one gets into the better school you'll get sibling priority for the older and younger one. I'd put the older one in private and on the waitlist for the good state school.

My parents stretched to send me to senior private. We were led to believe that due to our privilege and our academic abilities our life would be easy. My first school friends that went to the local comp have fought more and won more. The only ones that did well in private have had the financial endless backing of their parents.

I’ve two in a prep school. The parents are a mixed bag of flashy cars and minis. It’s a bloody good school though. We sacrificed a bigger house and less savings.

Our last info school was non selective and very relaxed, a couple of high powered cars and mostly rural battered jeeps. That school had a brilliant pastoral care and school ethics but wasn’t so hot of school grades tbh.

Do your homework on school grades not all private schools set the academic world on fire

Indie**

@Baaaahhhhh I don't mean parents wanting to keep up with other parents, generally they are too busy working and like you say they don't meet. Its the children being left out. Being a scholarship kid at a private school is pretty shit as a teenager. When you don't want to stand out, having to constantly make up reasons why you can't do whatever as you can't afford it is embarrassing. Thats why I'd say if you can't afford the lifestyle don't do it. Being a teenager is hard enough already.

We gave up most things, we don't drive ,bought cheaper food etc . It wasn't too bad for the first year but the fees went up colossaly. The trebled in the 5 years he had. My in-laws had to help out. However the main thing is my son didn't benefit from his education, he was academically lazy and his younger brother who attended the local comp has done much better both academically and career wise.

We would have a massive house, Land Rover and 3 x holidays a year without 3dc being in school. It’s worth it for us because of dc1’s extra needs, he is thriving and I’d rather worry about money than my child. The other two are naturally academic and so it will be beneficial in others ways to them.

If I had had the education my children are getting I would have a completely different life.

@Bigpaintinglittlepainting

We would have a massive house, Land Rover and 3 x holidays a year without 3dc being in school. It’s worth it for us because of dc1’s extra needs, he is thriving and I’d rather worry about money than my child. The other two are naturally academic and so it will be beneficial in others ways to them.

If I had had the education my children are getting I would have a completely different life.

I hear you!

Do you know which school(s) you're aiming for? Because year 7 is quite late to begin the application process. I don't know how much COVID will alter timetables, but you will have missed yr 6 pre-tests at some public schools. Though those might not be the type of school you're considering.

Not sure if you're hoping to get your oldest child into a prep for a year or whether you want an all through school from yr 8. It's not an easy time as regards visiting - but schools may have more vacancies than usual so could be more flexible regarding deadlines. But make sure you're clear about applications or all your financial planning will be wasted!

DS2 has just left his independent school. DH & I calculated we have spent over £200k on secondary education for both kids.

(They also went private at primary but that was a lot cheaper).

That's all come out of income. So no long-haul holidays, and the house could do with quite a bit spending on it, it's a bit scruffy.

We have had some reasonable cars though.

Certainly think it's been money well spent.

Try getting a bursary. Independent schools have to maintain them to keep charity status.
DS gets 60% off the fees because we applied and were enthusiastic (and persistent!). They aren’t based on academic ability.
The bigger, ‘richer’ schools generally offer more generous bursaries.

I’ve sacrificed my happiness for 2 x DC’s private education - which will be from Reception through to 18. When we started down this route, DH and I both had 6 figure salaried jobs and it was fine.

DH has since lost his job, fortunately I still have mine and we do have the money in savings to pay the fees all the way through, but it will wipe all our savings out.

Our marriage however is utterly miserable and without doubt, if DC weren’t at private school, we would have divorced a long time ago. However with DH not working we simply can’t afford to split up, run two houses and pay fees. It’s soul destroying, but worth it for the education they are getting.

@edwinbear

I’ve sacrificed my happiness for 2 x DC’s private education - which will be from Reception through to 18. When we started down this route, DH and I both had 6 figure salaried jobs and it was fine.

DH has since lost his job, fortunately I still have mine and we do have the money in savings to pay the fees all the way through, but it will wipe all our savings out.

Our marriage however is utterly miserable and without doubt, if DC weren’t at private school, we would have divorced a long time ago. However with DH not working we simply can’t afford to split up, run two houses and pay fees. It’s soul destroying, but worth it for the education they are getting.

I think you're kidding yourself.

@edwinbear

I’ve sacrificed my happiness for 2 x DC’s private education - which will be from Reception through to 18. When we started down this route, DH and I both had 6 figure salaried jobs and it was fine.

DH has since lost his job, fortunately I still have mine and we do have the money in savings to pay the fees all the way through, but it will wipe all our savings out.

Our marriage however is utterly miserable and without doubt, if DC weren’t at private school, we would have divorced a long time ago. However with DH not working we simply can’t afford to split up, run two houses and pay fees. It’s soul destroying, but worth it for the education they are getting.

I know that you did this with the best of intentions but I honestly don't understand why you would do this, it sounds really terrible.

We have one DD (17) at private school it started off when she was little at 7k and then went to 15k and now it’s 23k a year at 6th form (so 29k to earn before tax)

Between us we have what would be seen as a very large income but it takes one hell of a chunk of cash every year. We haven’t been abroad since 2010, a much smaller house because mortgage companies take the fees into account, we have one car that’s 12 years old, pension contributions are minimal, we shop a lot at Aldi, supermarket clothes and I get my hair done twice a year. Another word of warning is the fees go up about 3-4% every year, so add that into your calculations.

In all honesty we couldn’t have done it for two, let alone three.

[quote bashcrashfall]@Baaaahhhhh I don't mean parents wanting to keep up with other parents, generally they are too busy working and like you say they don't meet. Its the children being left out. Being a scholarship kid at a private school is pretty shit as a teenager. When you don't want to stand out, having to constantly make up reasons why you can't do whatever as you can't afford it is embarrassing. Thats why I'd say if you can't afford the lifestyle don't do it. Being a teenager is hard enough already.[/quote]
I absolutely agree with this having been there.
I never let my parents know, because they wanted it to work and thought they'd done the right thing.

I would say only go for it if either you don’t have to worry about the fees, or you’re so wedded to the idea of private education that you would genuinely be prepared to make sacrifices in order to see it through to upper sixth.

Before we had DDs, I had thought we’d go state primary and move across to private at 11+. Ultimately we were in a position where both started private school at 4. We did not go into it under any illusions, we knew we were signing up for 28 years worth of fees.