What have you sacrificed to send your children to independent school?

[cheeseismydownfall]

DH and I are considering this for secondary, having made some rushed decisions in difficult circumstances that has led us to being in catchment for a pretty underwhelming secondary school. Eldest is in Y7 and it isn't working out very well for him. Two younger children in Y5 and Y3 - obviously if we go the independent route it will need to be for all three of them.

We've run the numbers and for three children it is a pretty eye-watering number (all the independents locally are £15k+ a year). It is just about affordable but would mean a significant change in lifestyle and much later retirement (we were planning to start winding down in late 50s - it would mean working for another 10 years and would need to stop overpaying on our mortgage).

My biggest worry is that if our circumstances changed we would have very little cushion in terms of taking a drop in income. It is such a massive commitment.

I'd be interested to hear from others that have faced a similar decision. If you can comfortably afford the fees or have children at an amazing state school this probably isn't the thread for you!

Heyhihi if my child chose to be a nurse then why would I have an issue with that? We don’t send her to Private school so she will become a Brain surgeon, we send her so she has the best school experience and opportunities on offer. We won’t be at all “miffed” if we dont get a return on the investment!

@Heyhih3

I would be interested to hear what jobs their child ended up doing after going to private school? The people I have come across that attended private schools are a few nurses. I’d be a bit miffed if my child went to private school to become a nurse at the end of paying for school fees.

Viewing nursing as a disappointment says a lot about what matters to someone.

@Hoppinggreen being a nurse is a great job. But there’s many ways you can become a nurse now. Times have changed. You can do an apprenticeship along side Uni and you get paid it takes a bit longer 4 years. My point is though something like a nurse many people could aspire to be through some state schools. What exactly do you hope then after potentially paying school fees I thought that was the whole point in investing in a private school?

As another poster said I think a lot of the time private schools is about connections and who you know and not what you know.

@labyrinthloafer such as? I work within that field myself. I never attended a private school though. I think you have misunderstood my post.

Surely in the long run moving again to a better catchment would be less financially draining. It sounds very risky in the circumstances and having a huge drop in life quality for the sake of schooling won't necessarily benefit your dc. Neither would having to suddenly go back in to a poor state school if you could no longer afford the fees for what could be a number of reasons.

We can afford to send him to private school but we won't.

We pay towards tutors if he needs help, karate and private piano lessons.

I don’t get this. You make an ethical decision not to ‘buy’ your DC an advantage and not to pay for their education. So how do you reconcile that with paying for tutors and extra curricular activities?

I haven’t read the whole thread but it’s worth considering that universities often make contextual offers to state pupils. My dd went to a good oversubscribed state school. She got contextual offers from top universities, which make her dream university ultimately more achievable.

eldest DC is not very motivated and I think will underachieve unless pushed.

How would you feel if you spent all that money and he was still not especially motivated and underachieved? Paying the fees is no guarantee.

@AlexandPea

We can afford to send him to private school but we won't.

We pay towards tutors if he needs help, karate and private piano lessons.

I don’t get this. You make an ethical decision not to ‘buy’ your DC an advantage and not to pay for their education. So how do you reconcile that with paying for tutors and extra curricular activities?

I think the point is that some people don't see private achool as an advantage at all.

@rainbowdash101, yes that is a good point which is worth considering.

@midnightstar66, I guess this would depend on if I felt he had taken advantage of other aspects of the school - I don't feel academic achievement is the be all and end all. But you are quite right to raise it - I would be very disappointed if I felt he had wasted the advantages.

I feel that a relative of mine has sacrificed a lot of sleep to put her children through independent schools - it really is an absolute fuckton of money and the long holidays were a nightmare for her- hers went to different schools with completely different timetables. At primary she said it wasn't worth it but I think she definitely feels the secondary stage has been for both. I personally feel that it's just possible her marriage would have survived without the endless financial and work pressure (they're divorcing). I also recall spending time with my nephew one half term and having to make him do loads of homework. But do you know what, they are fabulous children doing high level activities (national standard) and my ds is not - he will do very well because he has a great work ethic and is at a really good comprehensive but it wont be what they do. No regrets here.

I would simply say - for school choice, I think the priorities are 1. The head 2. Tge head 3. The head. If you agree with the head's approach and ethos you will be in sync with the school.

Heyhihi we don’t think we are “investing” in Private school. An investment is something you hope to get a return on
Our DC are at Private school because the State option wasn’t suitable for DD and she was offered a part scholarship to a school that was ideal for her in every way. Now DS is about to go to Secondary we should give him the same as his sister, in actual fact the State option is probably even less suitable for him but for different reasons.
We didn’t want to move house either

Ohhh ok I didn’t realise that people paid thousands just so they may think they have a better school experience. I thought the idea was the standard of education is higher and it leads to better job opportunities for their children. @Hoppinggreen

@labyrinthloafer

There is no evidence the education is better. The exam coaching is better. You can pay for exam coaching privately.

Private school isn't really an educational decision IMO, it's a social decision. It dresses up as an educational decision.

I think the fact my kids prep school send 70% of its year six leavers to the local grammar proves your opinion wrong. So that’s on average 28 kids out of 40.

They start preparing for the 11+ in year 3. If you see that as coaching then that’s fine. I don’t mind.

I thought the idea was the standard of education is higher and it leads to better job opportunities for their children.

Nope. Most people (not us) who send their children to independent schools could move to the catchment of a high achieving state school if they wanted. It was definitely the day to day experience we valued.

(We had full bursaries from prep school through to 18 though, so the financial considerations were rather different.)

@Heyhih3

Ohhh ok I didn’t realise that people paid thousands just so they may think they have a better school experience. I thought the idea was the standard of education is higher and it leads to better job opportunities for their children. *@Hoppinggreen*

It’s both for us.

@PerditaProvokesEnmity

I thought the idea was the standard of education is higher and it leads to better job opportunities for their children.

Nope. Most people (not us) who send their children to independent schools could move to the catchment of a high achieving state school if they wanted. It was definitely the day to day experience we valued.

(We had full bursaries from prep school through to 18 though, so the financial considerations were rather different.)

Bloody hell I’d say! How did you manage that!

I think for most of the private school parents we know they want to ensure that their child is given the opportunity to achieve their full potential and the best way to ensure that is at a private school. I think the children who likely benefit most are the "invisible middle" of a class who aren't disruptive and who pass all the standards. They are least likely to get much attention in a class of 30. And frankly there's only so much you can achieve with 30 children to cater for. DS has high functioning autism. He's academically in the middle. He's not disruptive but he does need help negotiating social situations. The private school he attends had a meeting with us, his current teacher, next year's teacher and the senco to discuss what support he might need. He would have gotten zero attention in a state school because he isn't disruptive.

I think the children who do well will do well anyway because they are academic and or have a rich family.
Your parents connections matter more than your mates connections who will move on with new mates and more likely to want to swap favours with others in their league, not give a hands up.. particularly as they tend to be very competitive.

I think the point about day to day experience is key. I've worked in both sectors and there are good and bad in both, of course. But generalising, the day to day experiences at the private school I teach at are so much friendlier than state. The kids have common rooms and studies to hang out in at break and lunch, access to toast, tea, hot chocolate at those times and after school. They aren't herded about and locked out of buildings in poor weather, which I have experienced. We have two full time nurses, counsellors, huge numbers of music teachers for a wide variety of instruments etc. My tutor group has 6 in. It will rarely have more than 12-15 so I can check in with them all every day, I know which subjects they owe work for. There's nowhere to hide if they are behind, it gets chased up. House parents are very aware of any social or pastoral issues and it's dealt with swiftly. It's not about the end result of X career, but the feeling that you are seen, not lost in a crowd.

@DevilsSpawn

I think the children who do well will do well anyway because they are academic and or have a rich family. Your parents connections matter more than your mates connections who will move on with new mates and more likely to want to swap favours with others in their league, not give a hands up.. particularly as they tend to be very competitive.

I agree there this a lot of networking going on IME disguised as charity events, balls, speakers dinners ect..

(We had full bursaries from prep school through to 18 though, so the financial considerations were rather different.)

Bloody hell I’d say! How did you manage that!

It comes down to knowing it's possible, finding the right schools for your particular child, and applying. I and a few others have spent a good deal of time on MN over the years saying exactly this. If you're really interested I suggest you settle down on the education boards and spend a weekend reading some bursary and public school threads (ignoring the sniping from people with no knowledge whatsoever!).

DSS has gone to a state school, a secondary modern. His mother has the believe that bright kids will do well anywhere. She was categorically against a private education. His GCSE's were a mix of disastrous and just passing to get into sixth form. DS2 and DS3 has gone private and had very different results/experience. By all accounts DSS should have done well. He has two engaged parents with PhDs who have plenty of money and resources. He's floundered horribly. I think people have to be very careful when they spout out "a bright child will do well anywhere". It's not always the case.

The current circumstances have only highlighted why I am glad I sent my kids private. Y10 and my daughter has had full schedule of online lessons. The school stayed open for key worker kids and took key worker and vulnerable kids from the nearby state schools too. The boarding house stayed open for those who couldn't get home. Not every private school has done as much but I truly cannot fault the commitment of the head and teachers.
In terms of sacrifice, I moved to a much cheaper area after my husband passed away so I could keep them in private. We only go abroad every other year.
Most private schools, even the ones in pricey areas (kids travel to school), have families with a range of incomes. Some will be there on scholarship, and others will sacrifice everything for it (like having one child).
There's not a problem with keeping up with the Jones's - ie skiing at every half term etc. That will be some kids, but most not.
I have many friends with kids in the state system and they have considered carefully where they live to be in the catchment areas . We applied to four state primaries and didn't get in to any because of distance. The schools were all Ofsted excellent so I would have been fine with my kids going. So they ended up private, and I moved to afford to keep them private.

I think people have to be very careful when they spout out "a bright child will do well anywhere". It's not always the case.

I agree. I certainly don't think only independent schools can bring out potential - but it's patently clear that an unsupportive or underfunded school can damage children's prospects, no matter how bright they may be.