Are you one of 4+ siblings?

[AdultFishcakes]

Hello

Thinking of going for #4. I’m an only child, DH one of two and we have DC 4, 2 and 1. All going well baby would arrive end next year when I’m 40.

(Under normal circumstances) we have a good mix of flexible work, and childcare, space and the financial ability to meet the costs.

If you’re a sibling from a large family I’d love to know what your experience was growing up, especially in terms of privacy, noise, major pros and major cons of being one of four or above.

Thanks

I think parenting (shit or good) is amplified by the number of children.
I think having less siblings would still be not easy with my parents, but my parents might have had mord time to deal with their own issues better.

I think there are only so many considerations you can take on board before deciding to have a child - almost any number more than 0 - because the “what if there’s something wrong”/“you might die” argument can apply anywhere; of this I am fully aware.

We would never ever wish to do anything to upset the happy balance of our family but we have said from day 1 we would like four and even after some hairy times since our first was born in 2016 there’s nothing that’s changed our position.

We would get NIPT tested etc but for me the biggest worry would actually be twins; that is highly highly unlikely but I’m tall and nearing 40 so the odds shorten.

At the risk of sounding like a loaded twat we have space, material things, and money with which to buy time. I would sooner get a housekeeper or au pair and outsource what I can to spend time, proper time with my children, one on one, as well as with the whole pack. I am lucky in that I get very good financial reward for the work I do and that without question that would be spent on childcare and domestic help to enable me to maximise the time I can amongst them.

@derta Yes in my head a big family is seven or more children, I think? Four children does not seem big to me, though I acknowledge it's now quite unusual.

The material wealth is a very specific concern. I mean, most people are not inheriting 200k anyway. The average inheritance in the UK is £11,000. So, as ever, we each advise from a specific standpoint that may or may not be relevant to the OP.

I would not swap my brothers and sisters for anything but certainly not for £11,000. My goodness! They are worth much more than material resources, though we had enough of those as well, I must say. We all were fed and clothed. We never had to compete for love. We each had enough and then we all had each other as well. Love grows.

I'm another who's skimmed through wondering why no-one has mentioned the environmental impact of having so many children. Has that crossed your mind OP?

I'm one of 5. Unhappy childhood, little attention, hand-me-down clothes. One parent died when we were all under 10 yrs old, the lone parent couldn't cope. As adults none of us are close. I have 2 DC (second wasn't planned), one sibling has 2 DC but the other 3 have none through choice, which speaks volumes.

Sorry missed my key point; I’d never want to mess with their happiness by introducing another sibling into the mix that would be at the expense of the time I have with the others. That’s why I’m straw polling folk on this thread to get a feel of a child’s view of being in a larger family, it’s them that feel the decisions of the parents most keenly.

I think this very much depends on the age gap you have. I was an only child until I was 8 and then had 3 siblings born in the next 7 years so there was 15 years between me and the youngest.

I was very much treated like an unpaid babysitter which I liked at the time but I should have been out with friends my own age.

I also massively clashed with my parents in my teenage years as we were always just doing things that suited the babies. I never got to do anything that I was interested in. Looking back I think my mum was also suffering from some mental health issues during the pregnancies and a lot of anger and mood swings were taken out on me which was unfair.

The other thing is that two of my sisters are still at school and I don’t know whether it’s because they’ve been parents for so long they now can’t really be bothered but they’re definitely much less invested in their education than they were mine. At the moment they’re not really bothering to home school and they’re well below what they could be achieving with a bit of effort from my parents.

No matter what you outsource you will never give 4 kids the attention you'd be able to give
3, because you could outsource now if you wanted? It sounds like you've made your mind up, but I think you need to look inwardly as to why you are making this decision and recognise it is for you and not for your children.

4 is the tipping point. Not enough time either a children or adults to give the time and attention needed. We had plenty of money, private school etc but there just wasn’t time for individual attention. Even as an adult it’s the same. Don’t all go for dinner as a family as too many, no longer do family Xmas as too many people with the grandchildren. 3 is ok, I have 3 but 4 is just too many

No puckishly in the nicest possible way, it's not a ridiculous statement.

How can anyone know that a parent who didn't make the time for their children would have done so if they'd have fewer? How can you be sure that they'd have suddenly been a great parent had they had less kids?

My friend has 4 children. She's an excellent mother and her children are very polite and well behaved. However I can see they don't get the same attention my 2 do. The oldest child spends a lot of time looking after the youngest 2 and helping her mother. She's 10.

I’ve asked my 4 the question recently.
DS15 says it’s “ok” “always someone to do stuff with” and he “loves the boys but dd gets annoying”. Re one on one time he says he just asks to talk to me privately when he wants to and is too old (!) to need one on one attention.
DD13 says “the boys can be annoying but she likes playing with the little 2 and ds15 is always in his room anyway”. She “likes walking the dog with just me every night and having a long talk”
DS8 says he “loves them all and always has someone to play with and likes never being alone”. He says (when prompted) he’d like more alone time with me “to snuggle without everyone else joining in”
Ds6 says “it’s cool” and he’s “bored when they want to play something else sometimes”. Prompted re one on one time he shrugged and said “I just come and get you if I want you”.

I know it sounds like I’ve made my mind up but in truth I’ve not, that’s why I’m listening to my children, listening to the realities on here and weighing that up against my own motivations.

Apologies if that reads defensively, that’s not meant as such.

I'm the second of seven siblings. Loved it. We are all extremely close to this day.
I only have 2 kids but if I had the money to support as you do I would definitely have a load more.

@derta, the hand me downs didn't bother me particularly I'm the eldest, so they came from cousins and it wasn't so much shared rooms, as there just being very little space in general, and zero privacy.

For instance, I shared a room with three siblings from the age of ten till I left at eighteen, which had two sets of bunk beds and just about enough space between the bunks to stand upright. Clothes had to be kept in my parents' wardrobe. Homework had to be done lying on your bed, as there was no room for a desk anywhere, and the kitchen table was continually in use (partly because there were too many of us to eat at one sitting.) It was immediately obvious how long till my father's payday it was by what we were eating, and we knew without ever asking never to invite anyone over at mealtimes, because there simply wasn't spare food.

I had an after school job at 13 because it was absolutely necessary.

But the material stuff really palls in relation to the competition for non-material resources. My parents absolutely did their best, but they were trying to spin too many plates, and not only was I taking up the shortfall in essentially parenting my younger siblings, but the saddest thing is that one of the earliest things I learned as a child was simply not to ask for anything I don't mean anything material, I mean something that involved their attention because it was simply adding to their burden. They were overstretched and simply didn't have it to give. The best thing you could do in our family was not be any trouble.

Good luck with your decision, @AdultFishcakes.

Second of four. Youngest sibling was adopted. Loved it. Still do. Memories of our dining table is still a "safe place" in my mind.

But am very aware that it being a lovely experience totally depended on both parents having seemingly endless funds of patience, attention and sheer enthusiasm. They both of them enjoyed children of all ages and enjoyed the whole big-family vibe. My dad had excellent health and copious amounts of physical energy, my mum (though she had some health issues) was a born baby whisperer. They were both teachers and both very good at getting people to listen without shouting. They loved story-telling.
(My mum did have some shouty days because of illness when I was a teen but that was nothing to do with struggling with teens or being overwhelmed by family)

In later years, I have known my mother look down a table with a dozen or so of her descendants and murmur sadly to herself "It looks so empty".

Also the houses we lived were large enough to afford some privacy and we lived in a country (northern rather than southern) where people spend a lot of time outdoors anyway.

The environmental impact was probably less in those days as we didn't run a car, didn't take flights, houses were extremely well insulated and cost-efficient to run. But of course their decision still does have an environmental impact today as there are simply more people around because of it. I wouldn't make their decision today because of what we all know now.

1 of 6 and loved it, still do! The network I have with my siblings and now their children and mine is amazing. I am honestly shocked that some people are upset at their lack of possible hand out financially from their parents, I want, I want sounds a bit over spoilt? and lack of attention which is sad but agree that it must be parenting, there are some shit parents of 1 or 2 children that I know, and agree if you hate kids so much don't have any, they dread the school holidays because the kids are home? Happy family, yeah right A couple of my siblings have a very large family like myself and a couple have small, I dont think its anything to do with resenting our upbringing? Just the routes they have taken, partners etc.

Youngest of 5, absolutely loved it. Older ones were never expected to look after the younger ones and my parents were and still are extremely fair in the way they treat us. My siblings are my best friends and our children love spending time with their cousins. Christmas is my favourite and so much fun. My DH is one of 2 and loves spending time with my family as there’s always something going on.
We didn’t have a huge amount of money growing up and we all got Saturday jobs when we were old enough, but I can’t compliment my parents enough for their love and support. If I can be half the mum my mum is to me, I’ll be happy.

I’m the eldest of four and it was fine. Never felt I lacked attention, even though my youngest sibling has severe disabilities. I now have an only child by choice, but not because I’m somehow scarred by my upbringing!

What's so bad about hand-me-downs? My kids seem to like wearing things that their brothers have worn before them, and the older ones love seeing their favourite clothes come out again. I always make sure they get some new stuff when they go up a size and we don't hand down underwear or shoes (except wellies.)

I'm the youngest of 4 and only girl, with 9 years between the four of us. My two elder brothers were pretty much moved out before I can remember much, but I have fond memories of holidays together and playing games.

I probably didn't have much attention but I'm not really sure that's a bad thing. My parents didn't know much about what I was up to, particularly because two of my brothers were a bit more hard work than the other two of us. I don't feel like that's affected me in any way, but I don't think parents need to know the ins and outs of their children's lives.

I’m one of five girls who grew up in a 1 parent family. I have one child, not through choice. I don’t know how my mother coped. She frequently threatened to put us into care!! We are not close as adults. I think 2 is plenty.

^I probably didn't have much attention but I'm not really sure that's a bad thing.*

We may be talking about different things here, but do you not think that young children should feel able to talk to their parents about being bullied, for instance?

you just need to do what you feel is right for your family

My mum would maintain to this day that it was to our benefit. That we lived it growing up, that we were (and still are) very happy being a large family. Despite all evidence to the contrary (e.g. Us all saying that was not the case).

So just make sure that when considering 'what is best for your family' you aren't conflating that with what is best for YOU.

We may be talking about different things here, but do you not think that young children should feel able to talk to their parents about being bullied, for instance?

Absolutely, I think it's really sad if you can't talk to a parent about issues like that. However I would question that if you can't is it due to excess siblings or a symptom of a not great relationship?

My mum is one of 6 & moved to abroad at 17. She really struggled with this at points & was homesick & lonely. However she has beautiful letters between her & her father where they are discussing and talking through issues.