Are you one of 4+ siblings?

[AdultFishcakes]

Hello

Thinking of going for #4. I’m an only child, DH one of two and we have DC 4, 2 and 1. All going well baby would arrive end next year when I’m 40.

(Under normal circumstances) we have a good mix of flexible work, and childcare, space and the financial ability to meet the costs.

If you’re a sibling from a large family I’d love to know what your experience was growing up, especially in terms of privacy, noise, major pros and major cons of being one of four or above.

Thanks

Thanks OP.
And actually Ginford the environmental argument against large families is not quite as clear cut as it seems. .
www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2019/06/17/worlds-population-is-projected-to-nearly-stop-growing-by-the-end-of-the-century/

www.vox.com/the-big-idea/2017/12/12/16766872/overpopulation-exaggerated-concern-climate-change-world-population

1 of 5, all born within 6 years No multiples. We shared when younger but by teens all had our own rooms- small rooms made from large rooms... Our parents were teachers so we must have seemed a very small group compared to a class of 30. Don't suppose I could have got much 'individual attention' ??? but I did get enough time and attention and felt totally loved, cherished and appreciated as an individual.
We did some stuff together but mostly did our own thing, had our own friends, our own hobbies and interests. Love them all so much now. Our parents are long gone and we all have (small!) families of our own.

@employeewoes

Also, some kids, because of their personalities, won't tell you (verbally) that they need attention or want 1:1 time. It's up to parents anticipate their kids needs, read their behaviour and respond to them. My parents had too many kids to be able to really, really see us. To read us, to hear what we weren't saying. It very much seemed in our family that the ones who shouted loudest, or had the most obvious needs were the ones that got heard.

This. Very much my experience.

I come from a large family. My siblings and me are very close but none of us are close to my parents. The older siblings essentially bought up the younger ones. There wasn't enough 1 to 1 attention to any of us, really. The youngest siblings probably feel warmest towards the parents (still a very strained relationship) but the older ones harbour a lot of resentment and a couple are no contact with them now. I honestly wouldn't do it.

I'm grateful for my siblings, we've pulled each other through some very difficult years with our parents. But those difficult years wouldn't of been so difficult if they hadn't had so many of us.

I have 4. I had the exact same concerns but my children and flourishing and happy.
It has been easier than expected during lockdown as they have each other to play with.
The only two negatives are
1: it is extremely expensive - we can't really go on exotic holidays and the teenagers eat so much. We have had to sacrifice things on a personal level so the kids can go on school residentially etc and do activities.
2: Space: we have a 4 bed house but someone still needs to share. The older ones really need their space and I feel guilty they can't have it.
Besides that it's all good and I am close to all my children and make time for them all.

I’m one of 3 as is DH...that’s why we chose to have 4...

Neither of us had bad childhoods but we just felt that 3 wasn’t a great number - one was always ganged up on etc...I suppose it depends on the age gaps and personalities.

We have 4 and it works well. I’m a SAHM though so I can focus more on the children than if I were working. One of us often takes 1 child out to do something or for a meal or away for a weekend. There are 8 years between DS and DD3. Yesterday DH took my eldest 2 surfing. In normal times, I would take my middle 2 girls to have their nails done and for lunch. We also go away as a family of 6 and do lots together.

They all have their own bedrooms, although my youngest 2 would happily share.

I'm one of four. Definite pros and cons to it.
I never had time alone with my mum, not ever. Hated how busy the house was, dreamed of time alone. I absolutely adore time alone as an adult.
However we all have a great relationship as adults and our dc love their cousins. All of us chose to have 2 or 3 kids, I wouldn't dream of having four. I also focus a lot on giving my dc individual attention.

I’m the eldest of 5 and the only adopted one with 11 years between me and the youngest. The other 4 are all biological siblings and my adopted parents biological children.

Hand on my heart I can honestly say I resented the youngest when they arrived, and didn’t really have a massive amount to do with them while they were growing up as I was much older and doing my own thing with my friends.

The others, we get on ok but that’s it really, we don’t talk to each other regularly etc and have pretty much nothing in common.

Crappy. To be fair I think it would have been like that no matter how many children my parents had.

@Puckishly

I think being available to discuss issues with your children when needed is important but resilience is learnt by dealing with things on their own but knowing they have backup when needed. The PFB trope exists for a reason, in some small modern families children get too much attention from their parents and aren't allowed to spread their wings. Larger families allow children to develop beyond their parent's ambitions.

I think that's a rather silly, blinkered response, @CountFosco, from a poster whose views I generally tend to appreciate.

I can assure you I was an extremely resilient child. I had no bloody choice, because it was obvious to me from an early age that my job was not to be any trouble, because the sheer weight of numbers, especially given my position in the family someone's potty-training, someone's measles, producing dinner for ten, laundry for ten with a twin tub and a clothes line etc etc meant there was no space for me not to be entirely self-reliant.

I learned that lesson so well that when something really bad happened (sexual abuse) when I was about nine, it never even occurred to me to tell my parents. I was so self-reliant I had learned to regard my own abuse as another parental problem to be posed to two already overstretched people.

That's really not the kind of resilience I think any young child should have, far less the type that should be praised as the antidote to 'PFB', an expression I find rather naive and self-deluding in its Mn usage. My own childhood made it very plain that you don't automatically become a better parent by having more children.

And as for 'spreading your wings' in a big family -- parenting as non-individuated crowd control is really not that liberating for the children in question. My parents' 'ambition' for us was that we got through school without stepping out of line, found ourselves some safe local job and got married, like a category of items on a conveyor belt.

@Puckishly. This rang so many bells for me, though I was lucky never to experience anything so terrible as you did. But the expectation of self-reliance- yes absolutely. I find it so odd that many of my friends still lean on their parents for help (not in a bad way) when we are in our 40s/50s. I didn't have that in my teens.

I remember going on a trip to visit a college when I was about 17 and doing uni applications. There was a cock-up with the accommodation arrangements, and I ended up in an unheated house in a New England mid winter with no bed and having to sleep rolled up in a rug for warmth. It literally never occurred to me to call my parents for help.

I have the opposite experience. I'm one of two. A distinct lack of attention from my parents, both when younger and now. Money was always tight. My friends from larger families seemed to (a) be having a lot more fun and (b) have much more interested parents - presumably because you dont (usually) have 4 or more children though choice unless you actively like being with them.

I have spotted one of my many siblings on this thread

I don’t think it’s for parents of large families to say “oh it’s all marvellous” that’s not your call to make. Your kids will decide for themselves when adults.

Eldest of seven. Love my parents and love my siblings. Not lots of money growing up but I truly believe my parents did the best they could.

Naturally some of my siblings are closer than others and not necessarily those that are next to each other in age.

My kids (2) have lots of cousins, like we had, and it’s mayhem at my parents house. The in laws all struggle with the noise.

We have our issues and disagreements but haven’t really ever fallen out (touch wood) and I know I could call any of my siblings in the middle of the night for help and they would come. As I would for them.

I personally judge people ( in this age) who have more than 2 0r 3 because they are doing it for themselves, not for the children they have already.

Thanks for judging me
I had a big family because the big families I saw were happy families with happy children. I wanted that for my children as much as for me.

I don’t think it’s for parents of large families to say “oh it’s all marvellous” that’s not your call to make. Your kids will decide for themselves when adults.

My kids are adults and have decided.

I am from a very big family and have both full siblings and half siblings. I loved it and can't imagine only have one sibling. There was always someone to talk to, play with or fight with! We didn't have much parental attention though and I have been much more invoked in my children's lives than my parents were in mine. But I always felt loved and secure. Now we are all independent adults and I am closer to some siblings than others.but I do think we would support each other if we had to

I don’t think it’s for parents of large families to say “oh it’s all marvellous” that’s not your call to make. Your kids will decide for themselves when adults.

Yep. This in spades. And kids wont often be honest when they're adults if they dont want to hurt your feelings.

I think big families are selfish and damaging to the environment.

I’m an only child and didn’t get attention from my parents. I suppose if you have lots of siblings at least there’s a ready made explanation for lack of parental attention. You can’t know for sure that the attention would be there with fewer siblings even if that was the excuse given at the time.

This thread is really interesting, as a parent of many I wish those with many siblings were including tips for how to make it feel okay even if time and money are stretched.

One of five. Love, love, LOVED my childhood- it was loud, noisy, chaotic but I wouldn't change it for the world. We were poor as anything with my mum a single parent but what we lacked in money and resources was made up with an abundance of love and affection from our mum. She used to tell us siblings were the friends we'd have for life. I have two children (would like more) and I find it so, so tough- I have no idea how my mum coped. She must've been run ragged the poor love. Things changed massively and our relationships deteriorated as we got older when mum died but I cherish the time we all spent together as children.

One of five. Love, love, LOVED my childhood- it was loud, noisy, chaotic but I wouldn't change it for the world. We were poor as anything with my mum a single parent but what we lacked in money and resources was made up with an abundance of love and affection from our mum. She used to tell us siblings were the friends we'd have for life. I have two children (would like more) and I find it so, so tough- I have no idea how my mum coped. She must've been run ragged the poor love. Things changed massively and our relationships deteriorated as we got older when mum died but I cherish the time we all spent together as children.

Youngest of 5 here, 4 brothers and absolutely loved it. It was a different time back then, you either ate what was in front of you or went hungry. I never had any love or attention from my mother (NPD) and my dad always seemed to be at work but we all had fab holidays abroad, have a strong sense of family, looking out for each other, still to this day. Same goes for being close to cousins, best friends. Both my parents came from family of 5 siblings each so pretty big extended family now

Hubby was one of 5. He was the 4th child and the 4th boy.
He felt that his parents would of kept going until they had a girl. Which they did with their 5th child. She was treated alot differently to the boys, and still gets treated differently now.
He said there was no way he would have a large family.
His sister was the only one out if the 5 to have more than 2 kids...she had 3 girls and finally had a boy (he gets treated differently than the girls)