Are you one of 4+ siblings?

[AdultFishcakes]

Hello

Thinking of going for #4. I’m an only child, DH one of two and we have DC 4, 2 and 1. All going well baby would arrive end next year when I’m 40.

(Under normal circumstances) we have a good mix of flexible work, and childcare, space and the financial ability to meet the costs.

If you’re a sibling from a large family I’d love to know what your experience was growing up, especially in terms of privacy, noise, major pros and major cons of being one of four or above.

Thanks

Puckishly yes I'm sure I could have if I'd felt that way but I was a pretty lucky child who performed well in school and got on with everyone so my parents just trusted me to get on with it all. One of my brothers was quite difficult in school so my mum checked up on him more than me.

My mum was a primary school teacher though so had endless patience and I'm sure I could've talked to her if I'd felt I needed to. Growing up in the 90s in a rural area, I was essentially roaming the streets from about 9 and we al looked after each other. I don't think back on this as abandonment or poor parenting but I suppose by today's standards of knowing what everyone's doing and phone tracking, it probably would be considered as such.

I think parenting (shit or good) is amplified by the number of children
Agree with this.

In my case number 1 and 4 of my siblings were mum's favourites. The rest of us had a totally different experience of childhood. Us ignored unfavoured ones have eventually fared much better in real life. Number 1 has a lot of issues and thought mistakenly that everyone they met would worship them like my mother did. They didn't. Number 4's life is a train wreck.

I think it comes down to the parents not the siblings, OP can you help another child thrive in life

Posted at same time Zenith, bot in response too yours above

Some children are also just fundamentally not suited in temperament to the noisy chaos that inevitably goes along with a big family, and you don't know if your child is going to be one of those in advance. Don't fool yourself that you're having a big family for the sake of the children.

My mum would probably also swear that we all loved it, despite my brother's years of visible depression and the fact that as adults we all moved away.

Not in response too, ugh, fat thumbs!!

I'm one of 4 and I don't consider it a large family because it didn't feel large for me.

My DM certainly had enough time for all of us, (My DF didn't really do much with us). Money wasn't an issue, although my older siblings still complain about being squashed on long car journeys across Europe in the search of the perfect summer.
It was a lot of work for DM though, as there was no tumble dryer or dishwasher in those days. And children weren't given homework at primary school, but my DM chose to do lots of fun educational activities with us.

We've all had DC. I would have liked 6 but couldn't afford that many financially. I think I would have had time and energy for 4.

I think now there are tripple bunk beds for sleep overs and 7seater cars, it's perfectly doable if you have the energy & money.

I’m one of 4, dh is one of 6. Both very happy with our large families and have 4 of our own. If you already have 3 then one more won’t make much difference! It’s loud and can be chaotic but the children always have someone to play with.

I'm not from a big family, but my aunt had 5 and I was always jealous of their big, busy family.

I wanted 4 but I've stopped at 3, partly because my 5 cousins are all childless in their 30s and saying they don't want big families.

Yes god knows how my grandparents coped without dishwashers, driers, etc. I don't think they had a washing machine either. My dad used to walk 4 miles to school at 6, sometimes without his siblings! Crazy times.

@derta For a woman, having a baby is the most serious financial decision she will make in her life. The impact can be nothing short of cataclysmic. It is also a non-negotiable decision to spend the next 20 years of your life, possibly more, nurturing and raising that child. The child may bring you great joy, or not. Parenting is hard, and not everyone is cut out for it.

The more kids you have, the less able you are to give them the nurturing they need. Emotional, financial, everything.

With all this in mind, if you really really really want to have a child, then do it with your eyes open. What kind of life will your child have?

I have seen too many women whose lives have been ruined, and too many adults whose lives have been blighted by difficult childhoods. I think it’s high time women and girls weren’t fed the party line of having to have kids. It’s a massive con.

DH was eldest of 4 and it impacted our own family size. He didn't hate it and was close to his siblings but they fought for parental attention. He was often sent to his grandparents at weekends which he loved but created division.

He only wanted one child (we have twins so didn't get a choice). His siblings all have 2 kids but every one of them would have happily stayed at 1 and only agreed to number 2 for their partners sake. 2 of them have 5yr plus gaps.

Absolutely, I think it's really sad if you can't talk to a parent about issues like that. However I would question that if you can't is it due to excess siblings or a symptom of a not great relationship?

Excess siblings in my case -- there simply wasn't enough attention to go round. One of the images that encapsulates my childhood is trying to say something to one of my parents, while their eyes were drifting off behind my head to whichever one of the younger ones was squalling/attempting something dangerous etc.

Attention is a finite resource, and tends to be directed to whatever/whoever it is most urgently requires it, whether that's ina family or in triage in A and E. I loved (and love) my parents, and what I learned very early on was not to look for more than they had to give.

I'm one of four and I have literally nothing bad to say about it! It's wonderful to have lots of siblings

Awful, lack of attention and money. My friend at school was also from a large family. Only one of her siblings has dc and in my family we mainly had one or two though one DSis had an accidental third after her DH and her got very drunk at a NYE party.

I would also say that in the current climate it’s a bit bonkers planning a pregnancy. I think if someone had no dc and failing fertility and a now or never situation I can understand why but in the current world situation an extra no.

Plus though you are comfortably off, any chance your industry will be affected because very few will escape totally unscathed.

WoahBodyforrrm my parents were never going to be great parents. But they were better parents with fewer kids. They had 2, big gap (due to 2 miscarriages), then 3. They were more attentive, less stressed, less exhausted, more interested, had more time (for us, for their individual needs, for their relationship). I can categorically say my parents would have been better with fewer kids.

As for privacy, I almost had too much. I was left just to get on with it and my parents missed some quite significant issues I was having.

Fine, except that there were fairly big gaps between me (no. 2) and nos. 1 and 3, so as a child I had nobody near my own age to play with.
There was never any cash to spare but that wasn’t uncommon then.

Having said that I did hate hardly ever having any new clothes - virtually everything inc. school uniform was hand me downs, either from elder sister or from (much better off) cousins of similar ages.

3 and 4 were close in age and very close as children, but oddly enough I’ve always been closest to no. 4 - who was ‘my’ baby.

However we all get on fine, , always have, which I’m very thankful for when I hear of so much bitching/falling out/estrangement among siblings.

The fact that our mother (one of 5) never really got on with any of hers - there was often plenty of low level bitching/jealousy - may have had something to do with it - we always told her we were never going to end up like her lot!

I have 3 siblings and adored every moment. I love being part of a big family.

Youngest of 4, can’t complain and get on well with my siblings. There is 14 years between me and the oldest. We socialise together and speak all the time.
My other half is 1 of 4 too and he doesn’t really socialise with them or speak to them unless we’re at family events except one of them. There’s 6 years between oldest and youngest.

I'm the third of seven children, with 21 years between the oldest and youngest (so spent most of my childhood as one of five). We all of us loved it and all of us who are old enough have children.

I have three and would have more but for a health condition which worsened after having our third.

My parents were both from larger families (Mum one of five, Dad one of seven) so they understood the pressures and made sure to give each of us enough 1:1 time, etc. Both of their parents were awful in different ways, despite being wonderful grandparents, so they made sure they didn't repeat those mistakes (they made different ones, of course).

We grew up in rural New Zealand, which is a fantastic life for a bunch of children. We were outside all the time, my parents could have a large house despite not having a large income, and that made things easier. I imagine it would have felt more pressured in an urban environment.

As adults we're all very close and love getting together, though it's hard since I live on the other side of the world from the rest of them. (And that's not because I don't like my family, but rather because I love living in Europe.)

Youngest of four and loved it although I was undoubtedly a bit spoiled as the baby. I never really wanted more attention from my parents as there was always something else to do but if I had sought them out they would have been available.

I am one of four but I think it is hard to answer these questions as every family is different. I am very close to my siblings but I know some from families of two who don't speak and two sets of twins who are not close to their twin at all.

What I will say is definitely think about your finances. We all had our own rooms, there was a lot of love and we all played sport and did music but I remember my parents scrimping and saving to give us all of that and some times were very tight. Whenever I see threads about private schools vs state for example, I always think if you can't pay for without thinking about it then don't do it.

I’m one of 4 but grew up with me and my brother for 10 years I loved it. We had plenary of cousins my mum had 2 more children. Finances were stretched and other pressures came in I think it was too many kids in a nut shell.

For the avoidance of doubt @AmandaHoldensLips I’m not doing this to fit anyone’s agenda - as OPs have said this is a decision that I’m mulling over because it’s been generated by me, but no way would I ever steam ahead with no serious assessment of the physical, emotional, financial, social and any other risks to my children, me, DH anyone I love and care about.

Time to divide between the children is my main concern as it’s the most likely pitfall of expanding our family (when you remove the serious considerations re having a child with additional needs and catastrophic events such as death of a parent/financial wipeout).

My mum was one of 6 and she had a shit time, but that was a lot to do with the fact my granny and grandpa hated each other and didn’t use contraception. I would never ever wish to perpetuate that cycle and of six siblings my granny had 4 grandchildren. So that tells you something.

On a lighter note, yep holidays would probably be driving round Europe or based in the UK, the idea of flying with 4 leaves me cold (it was hard enough in January with 3). I am fully aware that my children would likely not have the exotic trips their contemporaries might have but in the same vein we could totally afford a fortnight in Tenerife once a year, no question.

But yeah, it’s time and investment, I can sit here now and say of course I’d make time for them all but life isn’t linear like that. But we have several things in our favour time-wise that mean that as the children go through school and hit their teens we won’t be caring for elderly parents (cos they’re dead), the changes to flexibility of work re Corona have massively boosted our chances of retaining the balance we have and to an extent they will have each other - NOT to replace parental input but to complement the love, support and security I know we can give.

Regards the risk of me or DH dying - we know that having a 4th baby at 40 means there’s a decent chance they’d be in their 30s when we die. We are responsible for making the best choices we can health wise to maximise our life expectancy and that’s something I’m quite precious about.

But yeah, it’s a dilemma. We are happy with the family we have, DH and I are a good team and our children are good kids, who obviously love each other (when their not crushing Lego into one another’s faces) and are close enough in age to not have to suffer having to “do baby things” when they’d be of an age where they’d be becoming young people in their own right (IME that seems to happen when they hit 7.)

@Puckishly did you ever get 1:1 time? Just conscious after hearing other views that I make enough time for my 3. I don't remember ever not having enough time with mine but I was a easy child/teen & obviously every child is different.