Are you one of 4+ siblings?

[AdultFishcakes]

Hello

Thinking of going for #4. I’m an only child, DH one of two and we have DC 4, 2 and 1. All going well baby would arrive end next year when I’m 40.

(Under normal circumstances) we have a good mix of flexible work, and childcare, space and the financial ability to meet the costs.

If you’re a sibling from a large family I’d love to know what your experience was growing up, especially in terms of privacy, noise, major pros and major cons of being one of four or above.

Thanks

1 of 6. It was crap.

God, yes, @employeewoes — all I wanted as a child/teenager was quiet and privacy, even occasionally. My siblings and I have all become adults who like our own space to an unusual extent.

hated it.
not enough attention to go around, individuality wasn't encouraged.
not enough money, had to wear ugly and threadbare hand-me-downs.
we also had a 'family hobby' which I hated but participation was mandatory.

Youngest of four. Hated it. Mother too tired and old by the time I was born. Felt I was of a different generation to my sisters. Stopped seeing any of them forty years ago - don't miss them. I know this is extreme, but you did ask! Don't assume your children will even like each other.

Biggest con was just feeling like my mum was always busy and craving one-on-one attention from her. Obviously the more children, the harder it is to give individual attention.

I never had my own room but that didn't bother me. And I suppose we were short on space and privacy but I didn't know any different so again that didn't bother me. i do love my siblings and I'm glad of them now I'm older, but I always said I'd never have 4 myself mainly for the reason I gave initially, that I didn't want my children to feel like they didn't get enough of me because that something I really struggled with growing up.

I also know lots of big families — it was quite usual growing up in the 70s in a country with severe restrictions on contraception, and I was at school with lots of families of 6 children and upward, while MIL is the eldest of 13 — but I don’t think it being quite usual has any impact on whether those families were good ones to grow up in.

In our case, it was a disaster.

I'm one of 4 and I have always been very grateful for my siblings. Growing up we had a lot of love, fun and support. They are still my best friends. I was never lonely, and most of my memories are of us laughing.
As an adult I have had very little support from my parents, but I think that is just the way they are. It doesn't help that they have a lot of grandchildren, but to be honest, they don't support any of us.
But my dh is also one of four, and we see a lot of his parents. We have a strong relationship with them, as they do with each of their adult children, so it is possible.

oh yes. privacy.
we didn't even have our own beds. we had enough beds, but they were first come first serve.

and not enough attention to medical issues - untreated allergic asthma, cuts that would have needed stitches...

Yes I loved it.
We had enough bedrooms although I did share with my twin when I was little until about eight but that was out of choice
We are all girls and there is 4.5 years from oldest to youngest so quite close. We got to go on foreign holidays 1-2 times a year, we’ve been to Australia and New Zealand, Eastern Europe. Touring round France Spain and Italy
Loved my childhood

Youngest of 4, loved it. Wanted 4 myself because it was such a positive childhood. (Although dh only wanted 2 so we compromised on 3).

I am one of 4 and I have 4. Until we were a group of 6 someone was always missing; now we feel complete. We do have bigger gaps than you though (8 years from oldest to youngest).

Whilst accepting everyone's lived experience of "hating" having several siblings and it being "awful" I find that really confusing. I feel so lucky to have 3 siblings. There was always someone to play with. We are all decent at compromise (well, youngest sib perhaps not so brilliant!), We are a brilliant support network, we do a family quiz each week in lockdown. I mean we never had loads of money as kids, there were a lot of hand me downs and mum used to scour jumble sales and save her green shield stamps for our Christmas presents but none of that mattered. I can't imagine not having all 3 of my siblings in my life.

My kids are a different sex balance (more boy heavy) and are more self contained than we were in that they spend more time in their rooms and less in communal spaces in the house (unusually we never had a culture of staying in bedrooms in my family) but when they are all having dinner and bantering each other or using in jokes or dancing to some stupid meme song I adore it. I am very glad we had more than 2 because one of our two eldest is disabled and will need some care / checking in on (not full time but someone making sure he's ok) from his siblings when we are gone and I am glad that they can share that. I am very glad we didn't stop at 2 as actually 3 and 4 are much more likely, personality and empathy wise, to be able to do that.

2 of my sibs are childless but 1 went through 10 years of fertility treatments and the other never married (has milder version of same condition as my son).

My DH is from a family of 7. They are spread out though over quite a number of years. The older ones had moved out by the time the younger ones were born. He loves his big family. They did have to share bedrooms but he has happy memories.

It’s interesting to hear from people who grow up in large families.

I’ve always felt it was very selfish to just keep having children even if you can financially provide for them.

I’ve never agreed with the older ones having to play Mother to siblings and the attention I’ve always felt that parents but their own selfish desire to have more babies over the needs of the ones they’ve got.

One of 6. We had plenty materially, but my parents were overstretched and distant. They had no energy left for me and no ability to really know any of their children. I have stopped at 2 as have all of my siblings.

I know 2 families of 4 (my extended family). All the siblings loved it & all the dc have gone on to have 3/4 dc themselves. Some stopped at 3 because of money/age. I'm one of 3 & have 3, same as DH & my 2 closest friends.

Personally I think there is pros & cons to any number. You could have less siblings & still feel you don't get enough parental attention or financial support. I loved being part of a little gang tbh.

Why do you find it ‘confusing’ that the majority on this thread loathed being one of four or more, @BwanaMakubwa?

I’ve always felt that parents but their own selfish desire to have more babies over the needs of the ones they’ve got.

Totally agree with this

Is it the majority? looked pretty even to me but not counted.

Youngest , hate it . Always told I was spoilt, how so by the time I arrived there was nothing to be spoilt with . Now as adults we've all kept out distance , all very different

Oh, and I was "happy" enough I suppose, we didn't know any different. But as adults the difference between my relationship and what I got from my parents emotionally, and what DH (one of 2) did, is clear and stark.

I was the youngest of 4 and loved it. Hasn't put any of us off having children and we are all still really close now as adults. And I'm very close to my parents. I think the responses here show that there is a huge variety in how people feel - you just need to do what you feel is right for your family and try to ensure all your children are equally loved (and I don't mean that they can't have hand me downs or share toys - I did both and was totally fine with it!!)

I'm the eldest of 4. Grew up in a large rambling farmhouse, we all had our own room and there were multiple living rooms and a large garden plus the farm to roam over. Mum was a SAHM but it was the 70-80s so that was completely standard and growing up on a farm Dad was around all day as well so never had any problem getting attention from our parents although frankly we didn't want it, between the 4 of us and the neighbouring families (all large families as well) we had lots of fun as a big gang of children without needing parents to entertain us. Think Enid Blyton/Arthur Ransome levels of freedom. It was idyllic.

2 of the 4 siblings are married, we both have 3DC but all the parents work in demanding careers, I really didn't want to have 1 or 2DC, find small families a bit intense. Happy with 3DC but can see the advantages of 4DC, if I'd started having kids earlier I might well have ended up with 4DC (my youngest was born in my 40s). My other siblings never married, one of those definitely would have had a big family if they could.

I think poor parenting can happen however big or small the family is. My Mum was an only child which is one of the reasons she had 4DC, she had a very lonely childhood. She has very strong friendships whereas I think coming from a larger family you already have a ready made support group that follows you through your life.

No privacy and not enough attention was the worst part. I had to share a room with my sister who was 7 years younger that me until I left home.

Out dad left when I was a young teenager and my mum couldn't handle us all on her own.

I loved being one of 4, only have 3 due to finances. I'm so close to my siblings & couldn't imagine choosing to only have 1 child.

Do people think their childhood would have been better by having less siblings? How do you know if the problems were caused by the number of siblings or just parenting?

My DH is one of 4 and hated it. He has a lot of hang ups from his childhood that stem from lack of parental attention and the financial toll on his family. If they'd had more money and parents that were around more I'm sure he'd have been happier but it took a lot of discussion to get us to 2 kids.

DM youngest of 4, not quite as a negative experience (well she did but more related to personalities than number of siblings I think, they were much more comfortably off) but she was the youngest so got a lot of alone time with my grandmother which her older siblings massively resented her for, to this day. Actually looking at them I would guarantee they'd have chosen less siblings.

I honestly think it's extremely difficult to justify 4 children, there is just no way you can give the same amount of attention to each child than smaller families have. And then what like my DH when the parents split? Single mum to 4 kids. Not a good situation to get into.