Are you one of 4+ siblings?

[AdultFishcakes]

Hello

Thinking of going for #4. I’m an only child, DH one of two and we have DC 4, 2 and 1. All going well baby would arrive end next year when I’m 40.

(Under normal circumstances) we have a good mix of flexible work, and childcare, space and the financial ability to meet the costs.

If you’re a sibling from a large family I’d love to know what your experience was growing up, especially in terms of privacy, noise, major pros and major cons of being one of four or above.

Thanks

Loved it. I love my siblings and we get on well as adults. It's great to feel that you've got a team in the world that is always on your side. The other thing is even when one needs some quite substantial support, it's shared between the group so you're not absolutely taking over someone else's life.

I have never in my life felt that my parents didn't have time for me. We also quite often had a few more people - waifs and strays - round the place. We always had extra people at Christmas and went on holidays with other families and with extra random children. And of course at any time, relatives from abroad. So we weren't this very tightly insular family group that a lot of people on MN assume a family is/should be.

In fact I never even thought of us as a big family as we were only six and my dad came from a family double that size. We all had our own bedrooms so perhaps that made a difference. I did have lots of hand me downs but I...I don't care at all! Hahah. I really could not give a crap. I buy loads on eBay now. I like a bargain. We also had a rubbish car. Again: not bothered. We used to have favourite breakdown recovery stations across the country.

I don't think a happy family is determined by the size of it.

I was one of 4 and loved it. I was never lonely, I shared a room with one of my siblings through choice (we had enough room for one each).

My mum was a teacher full time so was very busy and my parents split when I was 2 and my dad was very flaky thereafter.

But everyday my mum got us up, got us to school, picked us up from school, took us back to her school so she could carry on doing what she needed to do there, took us home, cooked a proper dinner every night, did our homework with us and read to each of us every single night. She would then carry on doing her stuff for school once we were in bed.

We had great days out in the holidays, we were never bored at home, of course some of us fought like cat and dog at times but I know for a fact siblings do that even when there is two of them.

Sometimes my mum would get run down or unwell and we'd all pitch up at my Nan and Grandad's (who had had 7 kids) and we'd stay there until my mum was better. I guess my Mum was the way she was because her mum just got on and coped with a large family.

I don't think it's specifically the number of children that are the issue more the parents themselves. If they want to make one on one time with each of their kids, they will. I was lucky to have a mum who did.

My dad's parents had 6 kids and of them, only one auntie is woe is me about her upbringing but she's one of those type of people. In fairness, my grandparents were older parents due to the war but it's interesting that only one of the 6 complains about being a large family.

I now have 4 children. They're very close in age and yes they can bicker occasionally but they absolutely love it. I haven't had any of them missing their friends all the time or wanting to FaceTime friends etc because they have company with each other. My youngest 3 see each other as best friends (they're very very close in age). Again, two of them chose to share a room, Infact they choose to sleep in the same bunk when they have one each 🤷🏼‍♀️

My twin girls will probably always share a room as we're very happy where we are but if they ever began to really resent it, we'd consider moving to somewhere bigger.

I guess I learned how to be a good parent (I hope) to a largish family from my Mum, who in turn learnt from her Mum and so on.

@Puckishly

Why do you find it ‘confusing’ that the majority on this thread loathed being one of four or more, *@BwanaMakubwa*?

@Puckishly Because I feel like though we weren't materially wealthy we were enriched by being all of us. I have never felt a pang for material things we didn't have and had never considered that an alternate reality might have involved just me and my older sister (I am number 2) and not my two younger sibs and that people are saying that they would have preferred that. It has caused me confusion because it is a scenario I have never considered might exist before reading this thread (which yes, may make me strange, but there you are) and it has made me think in a new and different way. Like if you have always thought that there were 50 states in America then someone says "there are actually 52" and you are like, "really? Is that the case? I am so confused right now!" Well I have spent my life thinking "big families are enriching" and now a majority of people are going "it's utter unmitigated shit don't do it for God's sake" and I am like "really? Is that the case? I am so confused right now!"

Ok?

@Pregnantandredundant

Awful. I’m one of four.

My parents had the finances and space to support us, but not the mental fortitude. I remember a lot of vying for attention and arguments. I would never have more than 2 children as a result.

Same. It's affected all of us quite badly in different ways.

Also I used to find it so strange going to friends houses when it was just them or two of them. I used to feel sad for them. Not that there is anything wrong with having one or two children (I don't understand the need for anyone to judge others for how many kids they have if they can afford to financially and emotionally support their kids) it just felt so boring to me. I much preferred friends coming to our house and my mum loved us having a friend around each.

I find it quite strange that someone would make a sweeping statement about people with large families being 'selfish' just because they've not enjoyed their upbringing. Your parents failings doesn't mean other people are also incapable of raising a large happy family. Your anger and resentment is misplaced. I couldn't care less that some stranger on the internet thinks me, my mum, my Nan and countless other parents of large families are selfish.

@derta my thoughts exactly! Looking at the split, I would imagine it's more to do with the poor parenting.

That's very sad but these people don't know that life would have been any better with fewer siblings. Sadly some parents are just not as good as others.

I've always felt that after 2 kids the benefit of parental attention weighs a lot more than the benefit of an additional sibling. For me as a working parent, and my personality, I couldn't justify more than 2 due to time constraints and meeting their emotional needs, I could see other parents in different circumstances managing with 3 children. But I think when you get to 4+ it's very hard to believe a child is getting as much parental attention as children from smaller families and I really don't think an additional sibling is ever a sufficient substitute to parental attention.

I am one of 5.
I only have one child.
Not enough individual attention but my mum died when I was 8 which didn't help!

@BwanaMakubwa It's not a majority of people. This isn't a proper survey!

There's always a selection pressure on threads for people who have strong feelings about a subject. And negative feelings more than positive.

If you're happy in your large family, or never thought much about it, there's just not as much impetus to go and talk about it. If you feel it was a terrible error and harmed your life, you're much more motivated to try to warn the OP off and prevent her from making the same mistake.

All threads like this (not just about large families) on MN therefore select for more negative responses. You then typically get a few more positive responses when people read all the negative ones and are motivated to balance the picture a little. It happens all the time. The OP just has to sort through them keeping that in mind.

In fact I never even thought of us as a big family as we were only six and my dad came from a family double that size.

Ha, very similar here.

Because I feel like though we weren't materially wealthy we were enriched by being all of us.

That's how I feel. My parents became materially wealthy but they were immigrants with not much originally. Plenty of hand me downs etc in my childhood but I was conscious that when we went back to visit family we still had more then them.

Because I feel like though we weren't materially wealthy we were enriched by being all of us.

Well I have spent my life thinking "big families are enriching" and now a majority of people are going "it's utter unmitigated shit don't do it for God's sake" and I am like "really? Is that the case? I am so confused right now!"

Ok?

Well, I get that, even though it wasn't my own experience several people on the thread have said similar but surely it's usual to recognise that other people experience things differently?

I mean, I have no problem believing that you (and other people on the thread) had a lovely childhood in large families, even though my own was absolutely negatively impacted by having too many siblings.

I liked it - 1 of 5. We were lucky to not have financial hardship. I helped look after the little ones and with school work. Made me feel confident with my own kids. I’m the oldest - so none of my siblings have kids yet, but are great with mine and have looked after them without us.

Plus it's just generally very risky. If a parent died, or they split up, or they fall on difficult Financial Times, all of these are going to have much bigger consequences and difficulties the more children there are. Plus OP will be in her 40s, it will be a throw of a dice getting pregnant again, have you thought about if you have a child with additional needs?

However, max I’d have is 3 due to many reasons but partly cost. I also wanted to space them out a bit more than me and my siblings as I felt sometimes those v close in age fought more

That's very sad but these people don't know that life would have been any better with fewer siblings.

In the nicest possible way, that's a ridiculous statement. Fewer people competing for markedly finite resources (whether material or emotional) are always in a better situation.

I get that @Puckishly. I think I'm surprised by certain things that are seen as negative (by some) when I've never given them much thought. Eg hand me downs, shared rooms. 2 of my dc share a room out of choice. I had a Saturday job at 17 because I wanted one, etc.

Appreciate all the responses. It’s funny because my childhood was good enough but I felt

• overlooked
• no parental attention
• like I was a mini adult carer (my mum was not of sound mind, no dad).

These feelings seem to be consistent with the siblings who grew up in large families, I’m an only.

I’m one of five.

My parents did not have the financial resources or space to offer us any kind of life. My father was very “keen” on the family allowance -precursor to child benefit - that came with each child. My dm enjoyed the attention she got when she had a baby but lost interest when each child reached about 2. We are all 4 years apart. Every aspect was grim.

I have good relations with all my siblings and am very close to the youngest.

Just be sure you have space, time and money to give them all a decent childhood. Good luck.

Just skimmed the thread, but has anyone mentioned the environmental impact of large families? There is a strong argument for having fewer children rather than more.

I am from a family of 5 children, mixed experience growing up and I think my parents were pretty overwhelmed by the financial and emotional demands of parenting a brood.

I love my big group of siblings now we're adults but I don't think it was wonderful growing up.

I was very broody after two, but my partner was very clear they thought two was enough. I decided to concentrate on being grateful for the two I had rather than try and change their mind and risk having a third which they were not whole heartedly committed to.

Looking back, I'm perfectly content with my two and suspect I would still have been broody after 3. I think at some point it's healthy to say - I have X number of lovely children, I'd love more, but actually I have enough for my needs, their needs and the planet's needs.

I was also conscious that not everyone gets the opportunity to have a single child - I guess I'm saying, maybe be thankful for what you've got and try not to be greedy!!

Eldest of 4, close in age. Bedroom each, enough money but not much spare.

Not enough parental attention, mother focused on the youngest, both parents' ambitions centered on the boys. Did not feel that my parents really valued me and we weren't emotionally close once I left home. Always having to be the responsible one, therefore not being part of the other 3's play/gang.

It's OK now we're nearing retirement and we all rub along and share the load of DM's increasing needs, but I'd have preferred to be 1 of 2.

This was very clear in my reactions as a pre-schooler when pregnancies were announced. I only have 2 children and in different circumstances would have happily been one and done.

I am one of four siblings and had four sons (not by choice unexpected twins!)
However whether you had a good experience of growing up in a larger family very much depends on the parenting you experienced.
I am now in my 60's and fondly remember what a loving home I grew up in, myself and my siblings were all loved and supported and encouraged.
As an adult I am closer to one of the siblings than the others.
My DC's all keep in touch, the older two are fairly close and the twins are very, very attached, and I hope that I have parented them as I was parented.
My DIL was one of four and she is closer to one sibling than the others but she cannot get over how close we all are as a family, so obviously no-ones experience is going to be the same.
Op if you want and would love a fourth child it is ultimately your choice only you know the dynamic in your family now, and how a further child would fit in.

I think a good starting place is yourself rather than others - what is the reason you really want four rather than three?

I don't mean that in a judgy way, I just mean as it would be a very planned and active choice on your part, can you explore the 'why'?

As it stands you sound financially comfortable with three happy, healthy children and a life you enjoy as a family - amazing!

Adding another child into the mix will change, as you said, space / finances / noise levels etc. And of course while we all wish for healthy babies in an ideal world, should a fourth little one have additional needs that require additional support that would change things to a much greater degree.

I don't mean to be negative but I think you do need to come from a position of what is most responsible based on your responsibility to your current family unit.

Technically yes I’m the youngest of 4. But then youngest by a long way, so the eldest was 19 when I was born and youngest 12.
I don’t remember a time when they all still lived at home though it did happen I was just a bit too young.

So I didn’t suffer from lack of attention or material things or anything. I was a bit lonely and felt more like an only child which I personally didn’t love.

All of our childhoods were very far from idea actually but that was due to other factors and really not to do with having 3 siblings.

It’s great as an adult and I love having a big family, we’ve supported each other through a lot and I love when we all manage to get together.

One sister went on to have 4 kids, the others had 2 each. I’m due my first, would have liked more but fertility issues mean I might be too late. My sister with the 4 kids - I’m really close to them all and grew up with them and I know that 3 of them would say it was great, they loved being in a bigger family. I think the 4th (she’s one of the middles) struggled with it a bit more. They remain close all of them, and 3 have all gone on to have more than one child themselves.

I loved it. We all did. I also used to feel very sorry for people with small families!
I have 2 children for now, and it barely feels like a family in some ways. When we go out I sort of count them "1...2..." and then look around expecting there to be more. This is maybe a result of me being the eldest.

I'm third of four, and have four of my own too. My siblings each have three kids so we weren't put off.

We were fortunate enough to have enough space to grow up in and were encouraged to be quite independent rather than expecting everything to be done for us. We all now live in different countries so don't see each other that often, but it's always nice when we do meet up.