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Are you one of 4+ siblings?

331 replies

AdultFishcakes · 03/07/2020 06:42

Hello

Thinking of going for #4. I’m an only child, DH one of two and we have DC 4, 2 and 1. All going well baby would arrive end next year when I’m 40.

(Under normal circumstances) we have a good mix of flexible work, and childcare, space and the financial ability to meet the costs.

If you’re a sibling from a large family I’d love to know what your experience was growing up, especially in terms of privacy, noise, major pros and major cons of being one of four or above.

Thanks

OP posts:
CountFosco · 03/07/2020 13:05

We may be talking about different things here, but do you not think that young children should feel able to talk to their parents about being bullied, for instance?

I think being available to discuss issues with your children when needed is important but resilience is learnt by dealing with things on their own but knowing they have backup when needed. The PFB trope exists for a reason, in some small modern families children get too much attention from their parents and aren't allowed to spread their wings. Larger families allow children to develop beyond their parent's ambitions.

Kilbranan · 03/07/2020 13:07

I’m one of 5. Loved it, very happy childhood and we are all still close. I’ve got 4 kids, as I felt the best gift I could give my children was a big family and all the benefits that brings throughout life.

sindylouwho · 03/07/2020 13:14

I am one of four. Loved it!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

SchadenfreudePersonified · 03/07/2020 13:21

Bloody awful!

I was the oldest of four.

No positive parental attention - but plenty of negative (I did some attention-seeking stuff. It worked, but not to my advantage).

Had to take them everywhere. Was expected to look after/occupy them.

Had to give them anything they wanted ("They're only little. Don't be spiteful - give it to them.")

Got nothing because they needed stuff (quite literally had school uniform and one set of clothing - but they got bought a lot because they were always getting wet/mucky and needed to change).

Couldn't go anywhere without at least two kids (and usually more) hanging on me.

No privacy at home.

Little hands in the few things I possessed eg books torn etc.

And even as adults they were catered to - because I was the "sensible" one and they needed funding/ helping out etc.

My youngest sister was "the baby" until my parents died (she was 46).

BigGlasses · 03/07/2020 13:47

DH is one of 4. He doesn't have any strong opinions on his childhood, however when I hear about his childhood it sounds pretty sad to me. Christmas (santa in particular) stopped about age 8 for him as his brothers were too old. There are lots of other examples but some are too identifying to share. I'm not sure how much was to do with his parents personalities, and how much to do with large family, but they weren't great parents.

Interestingly only 2/4 brothers have children now. DH has 3 (but we only planned 2, surprise twins messed that up Grin) Another brother has just 1.

corythatwas · 03/07/2020 14:23

time, like attention, is a finite resource

That doesn't mean everybody has the same finite amount though.

Some parents have a need to carve out more me-time than others, some only have that much time before their patience snaps, others are quite happy taking most of their relaxation around their family.

If fathers are less hands-on or less effective than mothers that again leaves less total parental attention time.

Parents' jobs also affects the total amount of time: mine were teachers and brilliant at turning the research they needed to do in their fields into adventures that included us children as well.

Some parents are great at including their children in necessary DIY etc without it feeling as a chore to either side, others get nervous if their child as much as enters the kitchen. Mine generally enjoyed having us take part in jobs they had to do in the house, so that was more time that could be chalked up under more than one heading on the account sheet.

As others said, whether siblings get on or not affects the time you have left over for more positive tasks than policing. We generally did get on and enjoyed spending time together. We also had a generally fairly laid-back attitude to life and didn't mind adapting to each other.

We have all had fewer children in my generation (between 1 and 3) but have spent most holidays together so the cousins have also had some of that group experience, with some pairings regarding themselves more like siblings.

thisusernameismine · 03/07/2020 14:31

I'm no.2 of 4, not the oldest, youngest, nor only boy - I have extreme middle child syndrome Grin we are all close now, see each other as much as possible (but oldest is in west USA) and stay connected on WhatsApp and not sure what life would be like without them all. Sorry to say but we all fought A LOT (except for the youngest, she was everyone's favourite ) but not sure that would have happened with or without a 4th child seeing as none of us actually fought with her.

I do think that mum likely had less 1:1 time for us all but she always wanted 4. I personally would never have that many children, I'm struggling with the idea of a 2nd (toddler is almost 2 and I'm 40 so time is running out anyway) as my first is so incredibly special and I adore our watertight bond.

SneakersandSocks · 03/07/2020 14:38

I love being from a large family, I feel very fortunate as some of them are my best mates now. We were never lonely growing up, I have lots of amazing childhood memories of all the games we used to invent and adventures we went on , holidays abroad camping and Christmas was just magical!

On the flip side, we didn’t have a lot of money growing up( not that we were ever aware as kids)
We also lived in abit of a bubble as a family, I used to go to my friends houses but they never used to come to ours.
Weirdly, I don’t remember spending lots of time with my parents growing up in those early years, things like doing homework, reading books, etc, most of my memories involve my older siblings. I am very close to my parents though so it obviously didn’t do any harm!

It could get abit scrappy at times between some siblings as so many personalities in one house but now we are older, they have all mellowed out! Most of us have kids of our own so our extended family is huge! Lots of cousins and Aunties and Uncles which is brilliant.

Puckishly · 03/07/2020 14:44

I think being available to discuss issues with your children when needed is important but resilience is learnt by dealing with things on their own but knowing they have backup when needed. The PFB trope exists for a reason, in some small modern families children get too much attention from their parents and aren't allowed to spread their wings. Larger families allow children to develop beyond their parent's ambitions.

I think that's a rather silly, blinkered response, @CountFosco, from a poster whose views I generally tend to appreciate.

I can assure you I was an extremely resilient child. I had no bloody choice, because it was obvious to me from an early age that my job was not to be any trouble, because the sheer weight of numbers, especially given my position in the family someone's potty-training, someone's measles, producing dinner for ten, laundry for ten with a twin tub and a clothes line etc etc meant there was no space for me not to be entirely self-reliant.

I learned that lesson so well that when something really bad happened (sexual abuse) when I was about nine, it never even occurred to me to tell my parents. I was so self-reliant I had learned to regard my own abuse as another parental problem to be posed to two already overstretched people.

That's really not the kind of resilience I think any young child should have, far less the type that should be praised as the antidote to 'PFB', an expression I find rather naive and self-deluding in its Mn usage. My own childhood made it very plain that you don't automatically become a better parent by having more children.

And as for 'spreading your wings' in a big family -- parenting as non-individuated crowd control is really not that liberating for the children in question. My parents' 'ambition' for us was that we got through school without stepping out of line, found ourselves some safe local job and got married, like a category of items on a conveyor belt.

FloralLove · 03/07/2020 14:50

I'm the oldest of four. I love my siblings but I hated being one of four growing up. I cried each time my DM announced her pregnancies as we were poor and I worried about money and lack of space. I feel like it lead to quite a busy/chaotic home life. Even simple things like going to the park or going for a meal were so much more difficult and/or more expensive so they stopped happening as often. As the oldest I felt my parents did not have time to deal with me so I felt quite alone when dealing with things like the transition to secondary school or when I would fall out with friends etc as I was the oldest I had to get on with it.

SunshineOutdoors · 03/07/2020 14:54

I love to have the time to analyse this thread and see if positive and negative responses are affected by position in family (eldest v youngest v in between).

derta · 03/07/2020 14:58

i'm the eldest & yes sometimes I was expected to look out for the younger ones but that would have been the case with 1. But I was never expected to act like a 2nd mother, although sometimes I tried as i'm bossy!

senua · 03/07/2020 14:59

Haven't RTFT.
My bff was one of three. She hated it because DC squabbles always ended up being two against one.
Two's company, three's a crowd and four's an even number.Smile

Puckishly · 03/07/2020 15:04

I think that's likely to be true, @SunshineOutdoors -- certainly DH had a happier experience as the youngest than I did as the eldest of almost equally-sized families. And sex matters too, as well as position in the family.

BillyAndTheSillies · 03/07/2020 15:17

DH is the eldest of four. He refuses to have more than two children as he says that's when he was at his happiest. Probably affected more because there is him, Bil1, then a ten year gap and then the next two BIL's.

His younger brothers are only early to mid 20's and I've sort of watched them grow up over the last decade. DH is frustrated by the difference in parenting styles from when he and his brother were born to the next set. Basically PIL's stopped giving a shit and the youngest two ran riot.

They were lucky because PIL's were well off so financially they were comfortable and no one was left out in that sense but emotionally there are big gaps and even as adults the level of attention seeking is unreal.

One of my BIL's is NC with MIL because of the toxicity where she was so intent on all the boys being as close as possible which has become smothering.

DH is the only one of his siblings who has children, the other three have all expressed that they won't have children.

I wouldn't say any of them are particularly close to each other despite (or maybe because of) MIL's efforts. None of them have been treated as their own separate entities.

RyanBergarasTeeth · 03/07/2020 15:19

Fantastic im one of 5 and its brilliant i love all my siblings even though we arent close we all have each others backs :) great childhood as well

isitorisntit · 03/07/2020 15:24

I'm an only. DH is 1of 2. We have 4. Do it!

Rosapilosa · 03/07/2020 15:26

Gosh I'm so surprised by the negative responses. Both me and DP are 1 of 4 and we both love it. Our kids and their cousins adore each other and we have nice family holidays. Don't get me wrong we get sick of the sight of each other, we're a feisty bunch and need a good rest after we've all been together but still, wouldn't change it.

I didn't realise how lucky we were really.

crosscode · 03/07/2020 15:34

I'm the third of 4. We missed out on a lot growing up, my parents simply didn't have the financial means or time to support that many children. We were always fed and clothed well, but we only had the basics, no family holidays, basic days out and no extracurricular activities. My parents never treated us as individuals - we did things as a family, but I wasn't given the choice to follow my own interests. It wouldn't have been possible to ferry us around to different activities the way I have with my DS. I didn't have my own room until I moved out to go to university (and I never went to live back home, even in vacations). My older sister spent a lot of her teenage years taking care of us younger ones, and I feel bad for her for that - I think she missed out on a lot. I don't think our family dynamic follows the whole cliche about middle children/youngest children etc though. We're all just individuals at the end of the day.

We do get on as adults though, and sometimes it's nice to feel part of a family clan. My sisters and I all have 2 dc each, and it's nice for them to get together in a big mixed age group, for dinners and birthdays.

Rockdown2020 · 03/07/2020 15:36

I’m one of four and love it. We weren’t well off but always had tons of fun.

Duvetdoggy · 03/07/2020 15:40

Youngest of five. No money, no privacy though being the youngest is definitely easier.

I am close to one sibling, other three have brought me nothing but grief. I think it can be alright when young but adult siblings dont necessarily get on.

Mistlewoeandwhine · 03/07/2020 15:43

I’m the eldest of four. I (and my next down sibling) were expected to make sacrifices and do lots of jobs to support my mother having had 4 kids. Why? She shouldn’t have had 4 if she couldn’t cope with or afford them.
I work with families in my job and I see the eldest kids of big families (I’m talking 8 and 9 kids) basically being forced to be parents to kids that their own parents produced. It’s selfish and environmentally unfriendly. I have two kids. Non one needs more than 2 or 3 if there’s an accident.

DailyKegelReminder · 03/07/2020 15:47

1 of 4 here. Second youngest, largeish age gap between me and the youngest.

Positive experience growing up, we fought like cat and dog but never experienced loneliness. Fun holidays, fun days out and dont remember needing for anything. We had our own privacy and felt we got enough attention. We were all extremely close until recently (very traumatic thing happened to our family) but I can imagine without that we would still be close.

Obviously it's different for everyone, my cousin is adamant she isn't having children because growing up with 2 sisters was a nightmare for her. My DP wanted more than 1 as he was a lonely child.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 03/07/2020 15:50

Oldest of 4 born very close together. Not much money, constant arguments, DM chose obedience over affection. That was 50 years ago, so our experience was the same as everyone else.

Rebelwithallthecause · 03/07/2020 15:54

I’m one of 4,
I now prefer being in very quiet places as growing up was so noisy busy

We were late for everything

Some of my siblings struggled more than I did

I won’t be having a large family myself due to my experience mainly

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