Are you one of 4+ siblings?

[AdultFishcakes]

Hello

Thinking of going for #4. I’m an only child, DH one of two and we have DC 4, 2 and 1. All going well baby would arrive end next year when I’m 40.

(Under normal circumstances) we have a good mix of flexible work, and childcare, space and the financial ability to meet the costs.

If you’re a sibling from a large family I’d love to know what your experience was growing up, especially in terms of privacy, noise, major pros and major cons of being one of four or above.

Thanks

I was eldest of 6- absolutely hated it and made a conscious decision to have only 2 children as a result.
For all of the reasons PP's have mentioned but again my parents did not spend any quality time with us and weren't really interested in what we were doing. People staring at us when we went out together. Complete lack of privacy- had to share a room until I left home. My mum also made me as the eldest look after the youngest (13 years younger than me) which I resented enormously as a teenager. Looking back I feel sorry for my youngest brother that he had to be taken to school by a sulky teenager.
I could not wait to go to uni and get away. We are not close now.

I'm the youngest of four. The 'whoopsy' child, also known as the 'been there/done that' kid, as that's what the parents would say when they couldn't be bothered to take me to the park, or play a game or read a book.

The next youngest hated no longer being the baby, and resented me bitterly, and could be quite vicious about it, physically and verbally.

The next youngest hated being the middle child, and felt invisible in the family.

The eldest got saddled with an awful lot of childcare and housekeeping - our relationship was not good as I didn't understand how much she did, and it changed how she perceived me and the dynamics of the relationship.

To this day, there has never been a time where everybody can do more than tolerate each other. If they have to, for Mum's sake. At any one time one sister will not be speaking to at least another two, quite often three.

There wasn't a lot to go round, although we were fed well, and clothed.

DH is the eldest of four and was adamant we were having only one child. Only one of his siblings has been able to have children and they also only have one.

I see that the OP has children quite close in age - there was a bit of a gap between the older and younger two in DH's family which means he married and left home when they were in their teens.

I was the eldest and it was shit. I was always having to look after the youngest ones and take them with me if I was playing out etc.

I loved it. We were very close despite a very wide range of ages and we are still close now. I sometimes wished I had my own room as I shared with one of my sisters, but I wouldn't have changed it just for that.

One of four. I hated it and moved out never to return when I went to university. Noise, space, privacy, money, attention etc all issues as others have said. Influenced my own parenting choices, but only in that I did not remotely want to replicate that experience. I am still fairly amazed that I had any dc at all!

Youngest of 5 and wouldn't have wanted it any other way. We didn't have it all as money was usually very tight but could not have had a happier childhood. Still a very close family now we are grown up. Lots of neices and nephews all growing up together. Massive family Christmas celebrations. Lots of fun. Yes there were arguments growing up but they were forgotten in minutes. Seriously couldn't imagine only having one sibling

I’ve just asked the opinion of my 16 year old who is youngest of four. He said he’s fine with being part of a big family but thinks it worked well because they were spread out - his eldest sibling is 10 years older - so he always felt like we had enough time for him. Might be different if you had four in a few years. I’m impressed with his thoughtful answer!

Having the chance to physically be in a room by yourself was a rare luxury in my house. And one of the genuine pleasures of my grotty little student room at 18 was just the fact that it was mine alone, that no one could enter without my say so, and that if I left a half-written essay or a half-eaten Twix on my desk, for the first time in my life, it would still be there an hour later.

Could have written that myself!

One of 5. Ten years between the youngest (me) and the eldest. It was horrendous. I'd never have a large family. There wasn't enough love or attention to go around.

Not me, but my best friend is one of 5. She says her childhood was awful. No privacy. Older kids expected to help with younger. In fact, when she wanted to move out at 18 her mother threw a fit and asked what she was supposed to do without her.

My friend and siblings are all childfree by choice. Her parents are sad not to have any grandchildren, but my friend is happy with her decision. She also doesn't speak to one of her sisters and thinks they never would have been close as they are very different, but the lack of money, space and privacy destroyed their relationship

I loved it. Eldest of four. I think we were and are closer to each other than to our parents though. When you have four kids you can't spend much time with them as you are too busy looking after them. That's what my mum said anyway!

Oh and everyone was really jealous of our family as we always had loads of fun and were really inventive with play. We weren't well off so had to be.

And I shared a room with my brother until I was 13! It was fine.

Having the chance to physically be in a room by yourself was a rare luxury in my house. And one of the genuine pleasures of my grotty little student room at 18 was just the fact that it was mine alone, that no one could enter without my say so, and that if I left a half-written essay or a half-eaten Twix on my desk, for the first time in my life, it would still be there an hour later.

Bliss!

Loads of drama. I’m the youngest and they all baby me still (including my parents).... I’m mid 30s ffs!!

DH is one of 6 & it’s carnage. Lots of gossip & fall outs.

So many sad stories on this thread about large families.

As one of four, I always wanted one more brother when I was growing up.

DS1 is one of three and I think he would very much have liked to have remained an only child. Not through lack of attention or anything material, he just finds his younger siblings annoying.

One thing that this thread has made me realise is I think being in a big family you have more impact on others.
We’ve had a few family holidays with siblings and their children and we slightly take over places as a big group.

Looking back I’m sure some ot the others on holiday hated us !

1 of 4 here. Hated it. Nothing was mine, ever, always had to ”share” even unopened brand new toys on Christmas Day. Plus the older 2 frequently ganged up with the youngest against me with what seemed like parental complicity.

Hated it, parents kept telling us we didn't need friends as we had each other.

I resolved to only have 1 child.

There’s some common themes here about those who hated it but if you loved it, what was it that you loved?

@BarbedBloom my parents were also furious when I moved out at 18. They didn't want me to go to uni because they wouldn't have childcare without me.

@AdultFishcakes I loved always having someone to play with. We built huts and went to war and looked after baby dolls and had creative competitions with the giant bucket of Lego knock off bricks (called Torro). We baked together, we went on adventures. When we fought we always made up. But there was also enough space that I could be alone if I wanted to. My parents were good at making us feel valued and cherished for ourselves.

I also loved helping out with the babies (my littlest sisters are 15 and 18 years younger than me). I learned the basics of childcare so that when I had my first baby I knew what to do when she had colic, how to change nappies, all the stuff that people worry about with their first. Babycare was a breeze; parenting not so much!

I'm middle of five. I've always looked back fondly on my childhood and still love spending time with my siblings even though it's a rare occurrence as we're spread across countries / continents. I feel very lucky to have them in my life. Like some pp have said I didn't see having hand me downs or only going abroad a few times in my childhood as major downsides, it's sort of what I was brought up to expect... but both DM & DF were one of 5 too so big families were the norm.

I honestly have never thought that I got less "time and attention" than friends from smaller families - but perhaps it's just the personalities in my family meant I / we didn't mind so much. My dad was very hands off / traditional, my mum did most of the child-raising and housework (and a full time job!!) but they were generally both always around. They worked in education so came home in the afternoon and were off school holidays, they didn't have hobbies, or much of a social life so we all just spent time in the house.

What probably helped was a big spread in age (oldest was 18 when youngest was born) so even though we had a 4-bed house we only shared rooms while young and got our own room as teens (I did spend a lot of time there alone). My parents were also maniacally fair about money and experiences - we all got exactly the same treatment.

I think a lot of people are reading something into people from big families choosing to have fewer kids, but life is different now - women have kids later and have more demanding careers. I stopped at 2 mostly because I started at 33. My mum was 21 when she had her first and her career was less demanding in terms of work hours. Many of my friends from 2 child families have also decided against having children.

Maybe I underestimated the importance of space. We had a large family home (3 reception rooms) so privacy & alone time wasn't an issue. we were also allowed to lock our bedroom doors.

To the OP my fondest memories are of all the playing & games we did, we did a lot. Lots of role playing & imagination which needed numbers! We didn't tend to socialise that much together at school as stuck in our friendship groups but did socialise as young adults & still do. I liked always having someone to chat, muck around with and if one didn't fancy it you moved onto the next.

My boyfriend is 24 and his siblings are 15, 12, 10. He likes having multiple siblings. I only have one full sibling and I’m jealous!

This isn't the answer to your original question, but you need to consider the following, given that you potentially don't have any children at school yet:

school uniform x 4
school trips x 4
school dinners x 4
teenagers x 4
GCSEs x 4
A levels or equivalent x 4
UCAS applications x 4
Financial support through university x 4

Add to that friendship issues, bullying, relationship issues, inappropriate friends, drinking, drugs etc, not necessarily x 4, but still potentially an issue.

It is easy when your children are small to look at having a large family through rose tinted spectacles, but in my experience, and many others, parenting a teenager is much harder than parenting small and primary aged children. Teenagers need you so much more on an emotional level. DD is nearly 20, and just about to start her second year at university. I simply could not have gone through all of that 4 times.