Are you one of 4+ siblings?

[AdultFishcakes]

Hello

Thinking of going for #4. I’m an only child, DH one of two and we have DC 4, 2 and 1. All going well baby would arrive end next year when I’m 40.

(Under normal circumstances) we have a good mix of flexible work, and childcare, space and the financial ability to meet the costs.

If you’re a sibling from a large family I’d love to know what your experience was growing up, especially in terms of privacy, noise, major pros and major cons of being one of four or above.

Thanks

One of 4, I'm number 2 - 3 girls followed by a boy.

I love my siblings but due to the fact my parents were lazy and incompetent I've had to do a lot of worrying about them and 'parenting' over the years, particularly the younger ones.

I hated being made responsible for them, e.g. parents would say 'get in touch with your brother would you, he was supposed to be back by 8 and its 10 now' or 'can you stick up for your sister in the playground, so-and-so is being a little shit to them'. Which of course I did but it felt like a burden.

Hated sharing a room, hated that the house was always in chaos.

But that is more the fault of my parents rather than my siblings. I imagine if you're willing to actually parent and control the household it would be much better.

Fascinating thread. Wanting another child and all that it brings is all about the desire to have a child and nothing to do with the impact on the others. I'm sure that having siblings has benefits but it seems from anecdotal evidence here that it brings as many problems too.

Look at the reality of adult siblings, yes they could all be part of a grown up gang who love each other unconditionally but more often than not they dont. They can be a burden, a constant mess , that one feels obliged to for no other reason than the fact of shared parents.

I personally judge people ( in this age) who have more than 2 0r 3 because they are doing it for themselves, not for the children they have already. And it's always women who end up looking after adult siblings, always, if the sibling is ill, mentally or physically it places a huge responsibility on the sister. I've lost count of female friends whose life is impacted by care of an adult sibling. And in all cases from a family of 4+. Its not fair. Babies and children grow up with all the Joy's and pain of adulthood but parents grow up to, they get older and tired and opt out. Siblings can be hell, look at the threads on mumsnet for a start.

Yep, 6 plus foster children. So much attention and lots of friends I absolutely loved it. Depends how good your parents are I guess

One of six. Brilliant, had a fantastic childhood. Loads off attention from my parents. All still really good friends.

Youngest of 4 here, but a much bigger age gap between me and the older ones. So two years between sisters 1 and 2, then another 3 years until my brother was born, then I came along (planned!) 8 years later. So a total of 13 years between my eldest sister and I.

Good and bad points. Eldest sister and I were very close growing up, she was almost like a second mother to me. When she was old enough to drive she'd take me places and when she moved in with her now husband I'd go and stay. I now have the same sort of relationship with her children, who are 16 and 14 now, and they have the same relationship with my toddler DCs. We drifted apart for a while but have become so close since I had my children. She is my sounding board and I look up to her as a parent.

Brother and I were very close whilst I was a teenager and shared a lot of the same friends as we got older, despite the age gap. We've drifted since he got married and started a family, even though his kids are the same age as mine - not because I don't get on with his wife or anything, she's lovely, but I guess we're just busy and things change when you have young kids. We get on well when we do meet up, you'd ever believe we fought like cat and dog as kids!

My middle sister died when she was 24 and I was about 14. I was never as close with her but I think we would have become closer as I got older. I was very much like her as a teenager - always wanted to have fun and a bit rebellious! She was very poorly and my brother looked after me a lot when my parents were in hospital with her, which is why we became so close I think. I only have two DC's and I'm not sure if we'll have more, but one of the things that worries me about only having two is that if something happens to one of them, the other will be on their own. It was awful what happened to us, but I feel grateful all the time that at least I still have the other two and that my kids still have plenty of cousins.

We had plenty of money growing up, so that wasn't a problem. All went to private school, uni paid for and large cash deposits for houses. However mum and dad worked a lot to provide this so weren't always around much. I was lonely because they were all so much older and my parents were always busy running their business. I often wonder why my parents had me because I felt like they were 'over' parenting by the time I was old enough to realise it. That said, we never went without and I do have fond memories of my time with older siblings. One of the reasons I'm thinking of stopping at two DC is because I'd rather give more to two than less to three. We could afford it and have the space, but not all resources are infinite and there is only so much attention and time to go around.

I’m number 3 of 4: b b g g. I’m the first g.

One of the biggest things I’ve taken with me from my childhood, is that I didn’t have any privacy until I was about 14. I craved SpaceX to myself - I still do (lock down and kids at home is killing me), and didn’t get my own room until I was 14, and which point we moved house anyway and the boys were not longer at home.
As a child I harboured fantasies of actually being an only child princess who would be rescued and taken to a big castle all to me self!

We also had slightly rubbish holidays, that usually involved staying in a relative’shouse whilst they were away, and travelling there in a combo or train, coach and car. We never had a car big enough fit all of us. 7 seaters were not common in the 1970s/80s and my parents refused to get one, since we didn’t use the car much anyway because we lived in London.

BUT, I have always had a massive unconditional love and support network behind me. My siblings have largely been my best friends. As teen we developed similar interests and still now we go on holiday together ;we are all in our 40s and 50s now)
As an adult I wouldn’t change them for a thing; thee is nothing quite like a sibling relationship, and no one will ever know you quite like someone who shared your childhood/bedroom/chicken pox.

We deliberately went to different secondary schools (the boys went to a boys school, d sis and I went coed comp)to give us a bit of individuality. Our parents didn’t want the girls reliant on the boys to look after them. ;I loved this, because it meant I got new school uniform!).

DM didn’t work in order to give us all the attention we needed, and to manage the logistics of 4 dc - before the MMR jab there was quite a lot of illness! We certainly didn’t want for anything, but equally, there were not a lot of big treats.

But as I say, my sibling network, is one of the best things in the world.

I'm the youngest of 5. Good memories but I am very independent and enjoy my own company which I think is related as they were all at school when I was born and I had to entertain myself (lived very rurally).

Really interesting thread. I'm one of four, there is five years between the eldest and youngest.

Pros - always had someone to play with, we all get on really well as adults and it's nice to have those sibling relationships

Cons - not enough time individually with parents, mum constantly stressed out, always dashing everywhere, untidy house, lots of ganging up two of us against the other two. Stretched for money, mum and dad say they feel they could have helped us much more financially if they didn't have four children.

As an adult I have a decent relationship with my parents but I don't have a really close bond. I felt I had to grow up too quickly and we just don't know each others as individuals, we were always one of a tribe. As a result I'm sticking at two. Having any more would be a decision based on my own feelings ahead of the children I already have.

One of four with a very happy childhood.

I think many of the things people are raising are not related to size of family but to quality of parenting....parents who are bad with money, who are disorganized, who are distant etc. All of this would still be so if they had one child.

Having said that, none of us has had more than two children and now that I think about it, everyone I know from a larger family (I’m Catholic so grew up with many people from families of 6-13 children) has had at most three children themselves.

@Duvetdoggy

Fascinating thread. Wanting another child and all that it brings is all about the desire to have a child and nothing to do with the impact on the others. I'm sure that having siblings has benefits but it seems from anecdotal evidence here that it brings as many problems too.

Look at the reality of adult siblings, yes they could all be part of a grown up gang who love each other unconditionally but more often than not they dont. They can be a burden, a constant mess , that one feels obliged to for no other reason than the fact of shared parents.

I personally judge people ( in this age) who have more than 2 0r 3 because they are doing it for themselves, not for the children they have already. And it's always women who end up looking after adult siblings, always, if the sibling is ill, mentally or physically it places a huge responsibility on the sister. I've lost count of female friends whose life is impacted by care of an adult sibling. And in all cases from a family of 4+. Its not fair. Babies and children grow up with all the Joy's and pain of adulthood but parents grow up to, they get older and tired and opt out. Siblings can be hell, look at the threads on mumsnet for a start.

@Duvetdoggy I don't understand why it's only larger families where a child can be in need of care from adult siblings. In my case it's my eldest who will need care. Because there are 3 sibs this burden will in theory be shared ( my guess is, one of my children will opt out - the opter out is number 2) . If we had stopped at 2, number 1 would still have needed care but it all would have fallen to number 2, who as it happens is temperamentally very poorly suited to that role. Which isn't why we had more children as #1 disability wasn't yet obvious.

@BlitterBug

This reads so much like the only child threads with wildly conflicting views.

There was a good post on here once about happy and unhappy families coming in all sizes - it's just if there is an "unusual" number of children (less than 2 or more than 3) it gets attributed to family size.

This is what I wanted to say but much simpler.

The outlier sized families are fair game on Mumsnet but really, people from all family sizes and situations would say their childhood was crap for so many reasons.

I'm the oldest of 4 but there is a big age difference between 2 and 3 (13 years) different father and then there is 22 years between me and number 4 and never lived with him but we have a good relationship

Re siblings who need care. But the more children there are the higher the chance of one needing care. And its deeply difficult to be lumbered with caring for an adult sibling. Anyone I know in this situation, all female, hate it, it's a burden and an expectation. If any of mine develop mental illnesses ( as an example my brother did in his early 20s) I would save for his care after my death as it would have a terribly impact on his siblings to be expected to do that. It is unfair to expect siblings to be primary carers to each other. And it happens a lot.

One of 4- overall loved it. A few cons (sharing a room until I left home, mum busy, not much money, looking after the youngest) but some of these were positives too- I have. A lovely relationship with my youngest sister and loved that I looked after her and made her bottles. Although sharing a room was annoying at times, my sister and I have so many fun memories from those times.
It was lovely to have so many siblings we all had lots of fun together.
Having my own family I couldn’t ever imagine only having 2. If one child was away for the night / weekend / week Or leaves home then the other one is on their own

Eldest of four. Love it!! Always someone to hang out with and great fun family gatherings.

@duvetdoggy I'm one of two and my sibling is severely disabled. It's unfortunate but it's just one of those things, it hasn't ruined my life or anything like that.

I don't see how it would be worse if I had more siblings, in fact I'd actually prefer to have another sibling or two to share his care as we get older.

green I meant that actually sharing the burden rarely happens. Its always one sibling who ends up with the care, or is in every case I know. So this leads to more fractures and resentment.

Sorry to hear about your sibling. I suppose as my brother has a severe mental disorder it's an impossible situation, it did ruin my 20s, I had to constantly get him into hospital etc, he was psychotic and very dangerous . I emigrated to get away!

@Itscoldouthere we def have an impact when we are together- very confident and excitable even in our forties. We intimidate some people when we are in a group- all of our partners feel a bit overwhelmed I think!

Eldest of four, there was no money and 13 years between me and the youngest. It made me extremely determined to get the hell out and not repeat the same mistakes. I was relied on for childcare. Utterly miserable the whole thing. I have had children at an age and career stage where I can afford them, and have not let my heart rule my head in terms of how many to have.

Number 3 out of 4, good childhood, no complaints. It was very traditional in that my father worked a lot so we weren’t terribly close, mum was always home. I was a bookworm and mainly happy. I shared a bedroom with one sister and it was fine. Only downside was my mum did all the cooking and cleaning etc and was v tired. She did bounce back when we were grown up and is a fit 85 year old now, lives with my sister who never married and they get along great. My dad died a couple of years ago.

Having my own family I couldn’t ever imagine only having 2. If one child was away for the night / weekend / week Or leaves home then the other one is on their own

You say this like it's a bad thing. Newsflash, some kids prefer being on their own than being forced to socialise with children they have nothing in common with apart from the same parents.

I actually chose to not go on family holidays and to stay with other family instead, as I found my sibling so annoying. So it's not always cuddles and rainbows.

MN is generally not in favour of large families.
I am one of 3 and love love love my siblings. They are my best friends. I’ve chosen to have 4 children.
It does require a fair bit of sacrifice and I am very conscious about treating each child as an individual. Everyone gets new clothes sometimes as well as hand me downs. We have very supportive family close by so baby sitting for younger ones can happen, leaving me to have one to one time with older ones or simply the chance the attend school plays/swimming lessons etc and actually concentrate on that child fully.
If I’m making a meal that I know one or two really dislike I will adapt it for them or make them an alternative they do like. I’m sure lots of parents of ‘only’ 2 siblings wouldn’t do this but large families are far more likely to have the finger pointed at them for ‘neglecting’ their children.
Currently they share bedrooms, 2 girls to 2 bedrooms but they are all 10 and under and they share by choice at this point. They will all have the option of their own bedrooms by the time the oldest is a teenager.
There is no denying that resources are more thinly spread than if we only had one or two. But we try very hard to give them a typical childhood. Christmas and birthday experiences are similar to their peers, we have holidays and days out.
During lockdown we have been on it with homeschooling. Computers were bought, a home learning area set up in the dining room and each child given as much one to one help as they needed. (Only 3 are of school age, Yr 5, Yr 3 and R so I realise this is no great feat). Education in larger families can suffer and I’m mindful of this. Our girls get to do after school clubs, music lessons, swimming etc if they wish. This is prioritised as again I’m conscious that in larger families these are the things to often go by the wayside and children really need to feel that they fit in with their peers and have those similar experiences.
This is turning into an essay so I’ll leave it there. I just wanted to put this down to make the point that large families can and do work, it just (sometimes) takes more graft to do it.

MN is generally not in favour of large families

You make it sound like that is a negative thing to think.

Maybe most MN posters are more educated and aware of the implications on the environment of large families?

Let's face it, whether women have no children, one child or 4+ children ( if it is through choice) it is a selfish decision.

I appreciate your post @IdentifyasTired - you sound pretty clued up about the potential pitfalls that can come from your children being one of “x” amount.