Help explain non-gendered clothes to DM & MIL?

[NewbieMumma]

Please can someone help me and DH formulate a neat phrase to explain to my mother and my MIL why my DH and I do not want gendered gifts and clothes for our new baby? We don't know the gender yet (due in a couple of days) and we have bought gender neutral baby grows and things. We want to maintain this once the baby is here, and not dress them in overtly blue dinosaurs or pink hearts, and slogans etc. This is all in line with our views and how we try to carry out our roles at home. Both MIL and DM are very old fashioned and were very 1950's style wives and mothers, which was their choice but not the way we live.

As generous as it is of the GPs to want to buy the baby clothes, we tried to casually say "nothing too gendered please" mainly so that it wasn't a waste of their money. However we have been met with constant resistance and questions. Eg "surely once you know the sex you'll be buying blue / pink"? "What if they are a girly girl" etc etc, "what is he loves trucks"? "It's so sad / cruel" etc!

I find it so time consuming to explain why I don't want to dress my child in "daddy's little princess" type stuff which only promotes gender role stereotypes in a tiny child who has no inclination towards any of this and no knowledge of patriarchy at first. I know there's only so much we can do and it won't be long before we start to see our child influenced by the patriarchal society is is immersed in, but I think it's reasonable for us to do what we can to balance the scales a little bit whilst the child is in their home environment, through books, toys, clothes, critical thinking and choice of language etc etc.

My mother and MIL just can't get it and say that we will struggle as the shops only sell girls clothes and boys clothes. DH answers his mum's comments with sensible rational reasons why our choice makes sense and tries to get her head around the concept, but she keeps on asking, or texting us photos of "cute" clothes, eg pink tutu dresses. We are also choosing not to dress the baby in "outfits" (dresses, jeans etc) mainly due to simplicity, and she's also questioning that alongside.

Anyway, does anyone have any ideas about something quick we can say that explains our pov and helps us make our point? Or do we just give up trying to explain?

I know I'm very probably way over thinking (tired and hormonal) and should just say a firm "that's our choice", but it irks me that they are trying to cajole us and that at this rate we will be gifted a bunch of stuff we don't want to give to our baby.

And sorry I can’t remember who but someone said it was this generation that was more divided with boys/girls or words to that effect..:yes yes yes!!!! I never had bloody pink pink pink for all my toys and none of my friends did. Lego was just lego for everyone now it’s Lego friends for girls or Lego Disney or Lego superhero’s. A baby activity table or bouncer was just that Primary jungle themed whatever for a baby not it’s pink or
Blue. Why??? It’s OUR generation that fucking it up. I think all the wokeness is massively backfiring. Manufacturers are saying well they don’t want us to
Market this toy exclusively for girls ..: I know well do a nice blue version for boys and vice versa. I mean WTF is that all about?!

Also, this illustrates to me why a few articles of gendered clothing within the array of non gender stereotyped stuff that I buy myself are OK and not worth getting upset about, even though I absolutely agree with the point that stereotypes are everywhere, and begin with newborn clothing.

YY I had a luminous orange jungle themed travel cot/playpen when I was a baby!

Orange is "a boy's colour" now

We have found plain white to besought much more practical as milk spills dont show as much.
And if they do get dirty, we can bleach them.
Or
We are sticking with "whatever colour" for now, so they can all go in the washing machine together and not be trashed by dh heavy Jean's

Or
I always love to see babies I nice clean white. It looks so fresh/new

Or after a few weeks, baby could develop sensitive skin so you need to avoid dyes?

Oh fucking hell. You're being a bit precious.

The amount of clothes that get ruined by a newborn (mine anyway) with sick, poop, anything and everything it won't matter what U dress them in

Just say thank U with a smile. Send a pic with the outfit on and send to the charity shop when you're done with them

You don't know what the baby will be in to once they're old enough to have a preference

Congratulations. But honestly once the baby's here you might find you don't really give a shit as long as They've for some sort of clothing on

Great post USA!

OP you really don’t need to be so earnest and serious about it to the point of vetting gifts. Do things your way, sure..of course. Don’t be a pain in the arse about it though.

@AllStartedInUSA I read the first paragraph of your latest long post and then moved on, because I've already answered this point from you, and you seem to have wilfully misunderstood / ignore what I've actually said. I'm not being heard by you and you have your own agenda on this thread which I'm not buying into. So I am choosing not to respond to you again after this response.

She is right though isn’t she? It’s a good common sense post.

I hardly think USA has her "own agenda", op! You seem extraordinarily touchy and barely able to defend your own view. Weird.

Agree it’s not so much an agenda as...just being quite sensible in the normal way.

And things like clothes reinforce that. If children learn to associate themselves with dinosaurs and trucks and building blocks from day 1 they may be less likely to pick up a doll and practice being daddy. Or if a girl strongly associated pink branding with being acceptable, she's less likely to be happy with being given a meccano set, which don't come in pink and in the long run feel less OK with applying for an engineering degree.

After 4 kids, I really haven't found this to be the case. You can't force kids to play with toys that fit in with your own perceptions, they will naturally play with what interests them irrespective of their clothes.

You do sound hard work OP and quite joyless.

@NewbieMumma well if you can’t be bothered to read the whole post there isn’t much I can say to that is there. You seem to be part of the problem I feel is seriously damaging our society then. So many almost militant views in these topics is actually making it worse and worse (my point re the toys now adays, etc) Most people don’t actually disagree with your principles (girls can be anything, boys can be anything...basically but obviously more in-depth than that) you’re approach however isn’t great. Most of us (especially in here) are raising our children with those values at the forefront. But we are trying to do it in the real world not in a bubble. So we accept a pink dress or a blue top as a gift and don’t give it much more though. We add it to our lovey colourful varied children’s wardrobes and go back to watching our children playing with their dolls cars trucks dinosaurs and fairies before we go and mow the lawn whilst daddy cooks dinner (or vice versa cos really whatever). If it’s genuinely offensive (I personally find little man or little princess awful it goes right in charity bag.

Your seriously going to have a long hard path as a parent if this is how you plan to approach every minor issue.

@pictish @Thisismytimetoshinethank you for getting where I am coming from and depending me regarding my “agenda”. I don’t think I’ve been told anything I’ve said is common sense before

If children learn to associate themselves with dinosaurs and trucks and building blocks from day 1 they may be less likely to pick up a doll and practice being daddy. Or if a girl strongly associated pink branding with being acceptable, she's less likely to be happy with being given a meccano set, which don't come in pink and in the long run feel less OK with applying for an engineering degree.

No one told my kids this, my boy is equally likely to pick up a doll and pram as he is Lego or meccanno, my daughter isn’t remotely interested in dolls and will sing, dance and tumble at every opportunity - she also problem solves and loves Lego and other building toys.

Both kids wear what would be considered gendered clothing, they have more than their fare share of blue and pink type toys. They just like what they like.

In terms of clothes, I’d not get too tied up about dinosaur t-shirts and pretty dresses - they’ll wear a huge variety of clothes in their time, the messages you give them about themselves, their value and unconditional love and acceptance are way more important than falling out with gran over a tutu.

Do people really think what you dress a baby in shapes what they like in the future ?
Do you intend to alwaya dress gender neutral or when child is old enough if a girl say ans they want pink frilly dresses will you let them have or if a boy and they want same dress or do you intend to just keep them in gender neutral forever ?

Nothing will make them a great engineering student if they are not good enough at maths and it won’t matter a fig what you have dressed them in!

My, those are a lot of decisions you’re making . How can you pass by cute little baby outfits and not even want to buy one?!

Just tell them your theme is white clothes only or that you’ve changed your mind and you’re not finding out the sex anymore.

And honestly new borns don’t care what they are wearing as long as it’s comfortable.
They aren’t going to look down and think oh I’m wearing pink ergo I’m a girl. That comes from mainly you the parents because that’s were they spend most of their times.

And by going out of your way so much aren’t you reinforcing the idea that clothes equate gender? Should it matter if someone gets your new born boy a pink baby gro or vice versa?

I do agree with the twee message bollocks and nothing to do with gender or age.

The only colour I hated with newborns was white. That bright shit they sometimes do doesn’t come out.

My youngest was born around the same time as the gender toy bollocks. The looks and comments we used to get as he’d waltz into nursery dressed in wings, tutu, legging, dinosaur tshirt and Thomas the tank engine wellies was insane 🤣

Birthday party a few years later with arts and crafts stuff, other parents let me know their kid would come but they’d have a miserable time. Had to usher the kids out saying they could come back.

Why would a boy not picking up a doll mean he was going to be a shit father or a girl wearing pink would take away her ability to build things

Dd wore pink and was great with Mecanno

In fact Dd can tile, paint and lay wooden flooring (she has just done up a flat virtually single handed) but she still likes to wear heels and low cut mini dresses

Ds only ever played with trains and trucks and footballs etc
He has trained in a very masculine trade. Yet he is a really gentle patient person.

Putting a girl in pink or boy in blue doesn’t ruin their potential

I grew up with this “gender neutral” clothing. My mother called it “practical”
Like my short back and sides haircut.

I would never inflict that on any child. As I said it was embarrassing always being thought of as a boy.

@bertiebots
Two of mine prefer black. Years ago wasn’t an issue. This time round it has been suggested since primary my still prefer wearing black teen is severely depressed 🤣

he just likes all black because he never has to think about what to wear looool. Before that it was a specific colour of grey. So glad we are out of that stage it was a nightmare (not spoilt before any suggests it, he’s on the asd spectrum).

I was like this. I was all about the neutral clothes. No dinosaurs or vehicles for my DS.

He’s 2 now and will only wear clothes if they have buses, tractors, trains or planes on them

@strugglingwithdeciding

Do people really think what you dress a baby in shapes what they like in the future ? Do you intend to alwaya dress gender neutral or when child is old enough if a girl say ans they want pink frilly dresses will you let them have or if a boy and they want same dress or do you intend to just keep them in gender neutral forever ?

No one thinks that how you dress a child shapes them forever. But how you dress them influences how other people treat them, and that’s part of what shapes them.

If clothes and appearances don’t really matter, why are fashion And beauty some of our biggest industries?

And of my children are teenagers and adults and only one of them has chosen a gender so far. So yes, if they want to stay gender free forever, that’s fine with me.

I find it really interesting that so many people are getting angry or negging the Op for rejecting gender stereotypes for her child. It’s almost as if they are invested in keeping them for some reason or another.

Personally I think the most practical baby grows would be dark blue or black

Anything white or pale colours always seemed to stain easily. Especially when feeding and they would go yellowy around the neck.

@Limpid

I just said hell would freeze over before we'd put DS in that kind of baby clothes, and that they'd had a chance to sartorially impose restrictive gender roles on their own kids when they'd had them.

I presume this will have the desired effect of nobody ever buying any of your kids a gift ever again.