Help explain non-gendered clothes to DM & MIL?

[NewbieMumma]

Please can someone help me and DH formulate a neat phrase to explain to my mother and my MIL why my DH and I do not want gendered gifts and clothes for our new baby? We don't know the gender yet (due in a couple of days) and we have bought gender neutral baby grows and things. We want to maintain this once the baby is here, and not dress them in overtly blue dinosaurs or pink hearts, and slogans etc. This is all in line with our views and how we try to carry out our roles at home. Both MIL and DM are very old fashioned and were very 1950's style wives and mothers, which was their choice but not the way we live.

As generous as it is of the GPs to want to buy the baby clothes, we tried to casually say "nothing too gendered please" mainly so that it wasn't a waste of their money. However we have been met with constant resistance and questions. Eg "surely once you know the sex you'll be buying blue / pink"? "What if they are a girly girl" etc etc, "what is he loves trucks"? "It's so sad / cruel" etc!

I find it so time consuming to explain why I don't want to dress my child in "daddy's little princess" type stuff which only promotes gender role stereotypes in a tiny child who has no inclination towards any of this and no knowledge of patriarchy at first. I know there's only so much we can do and it won't be long before we start to see our child influenced by the patriarchal society is is immersed in, but I think it's reasonable for us to do what we can to balance the scales a little bit whilst the child is in their home environment, through books, toys, clothes, critical thinking and choice of language etc etc.

My mother and MIL just can't get it and say that we will struggle as the shops only sell girls clothes and boys clothes. DH answers his mum's comments with sensible rational reasons why our choice makes sense and tries to get her head around the concept, but she keeps on asking, or texting us photos of "cute" clothes, eg pink tutu dresses. We are also choosing not to dress the baby in "outfits" (dresses, jeans etc) mainly due to simplicity, and she's also questioning that alongside.

Anyway, does anyone have any ideas about something quick we can say that explains our pov and helps us make our point? Or do we just give up trying to explain?

I know I'm very probably way over thinking (tired and hormonal) and should just say a firm "that's our choice", but it irks me that they are trying to cajole us and that at this rate we will be gifted a bunch of stuff we don't want to give to our baby.

Also, for what it's worth, I have managed to stick with some other parenting ideals I had pre-children (e.g.TV, noisy toys, breastfeeding) that I remember being scoffed at as hugely naive while I was pregnant. I mean I am sure I've had others that have gone by the wayside, no shame in changing your mind when you're living through it, but I do hate this relentlessly negative and patronising attitude towards new parents as if they cant have any intentions.

@Wtfdidwedo

Today my 3 year old put on a dress from last year that she found in a bag that just about covers her bum, with sparkly velvet leggings and a fleece, all of which are different colours. My two year old is wearing wellies and a t-shirt with paint on, she hasn't worn trousers or shorts for about 90% of lockdown. I wish I could go back to dressing them myself

Yes, the 'dress up' phase. OP kids like to play dress up, so they'll probably end up raiding your wardrobe and trying to walk in high heels with a scarf if they don't have a 'play dress up' clothes chest. That's what kids do.

Lots of replies on the PFB and wait until you are an "experienced" mother and a few years down the line.....

Well, I basically am you three years on with a second child now too. I had this discussion over and over again with my DM and MIL, who clearly thought I was being quite sanctimonious about the whole thing. I tried pretty much everything that has been suggested here. I tried to steer them towards what I liked and won some battles on that front, I exchanged things for "better sizes" and once I outright binned something where the slogan was so offensive and inappropriate for a little girl, I couldn't bear the thought of anyone putting it on a child.

I also occasionally put DD in the gifts to please the buyer and sent photos etc. This was my least favourite option. I feel slightly sad when I look back on the ridiculous outfits in those pictures. She often doesn't look comfortable because of mad frills but she also doesn't look like my child, like I've sold out a bit??

So fast forward 3 years and she still doesn't wear much pink, but she does have a choice in what she puts on and it is very much a mix. Interestingly, she doesn't actually suit pink (it just doesn't go with her skin tone) and the grandmas have picked up on that now. I also now have a little DS and feel somewhat vindicated by how much use I am getting out of all the unisex clothing I bought myself. It feels a lot less wasteful and I'm enjoying seeing the little clothes in use again.

Interestingly, as others have said DD is coming home from her very well respected nursery with some worrying ideas on what girls should and shouldn't be doing. I've been surprised at how early that has kicked in.

What's wrong with blue for a boy and pink for a girl? Why do we live in a such a fucked up society that boys and girls aren't allowed to be boys or girls anymore?

This is sarcasm, right? It's sometimes hard to tell nowadays.
I didn't know my DD will turn into a boy if she's wearing blue.

I didn't know what I was having with either pregnancy. I have one of each.

Because we were having a surprise I got lots of neutral newborn clothes and wanted to keep as much neutral as I could in order to reuse.

The parents got more on bored with with reuse of clothes message than the gender neutral one so perhaps try that?

As it happens my kids have very different body shapes and my LG fits boy clothes better. She wears lots of her brothers hand me downs. She also doesn't really suit pink. She looks better in yellow and blue.

just say you would welcome baby stuff in white, yellow and green without slogans!
The world will get them later on and if they like pink/trucks/blue etc there will not be much you can do about it, but for now just request the colours you want, which happen to be gender neutral!

ps DD wore blue, green and white for the first 2 years of her life (elder DS), still won't wear pink (blue or purple) but is a very girly girl!

Katerina. I'm not saying girls should wear pink boys should wear blue. FFS your child is not going to change into a boy for wearing blue. Although the little old lady down the round may mistake her for him! Funnily enough when my son was newborn he was wearing blue and a lady in a charity shop said "what a lovely little girl" I just smiled and said thanks!
What i am saying is there's is no harm done to a baby boy by dressing them in blue, likewise if you dress a girl in pink. If you chose to dress a boy in pink that's up to you too It doesn't really matter. They won't remember, but you won't be popular when the baby photos come out to the girlfriend. Am I allowed to say girlfriend or does that have to be boy/girl/none gender person friend.
Life is getting bloody ridiculous these days.

I haven't read the thread, but we just gave up with MIL and she continued to buy stuff that we asked her not too (things with hoods for newborns, dressing gowns for babies, things that said keep away from fire on the label, baby shoes, stuff that was completely the wrong size, hideous pink frilled dresses etc.)
We just smiled and either changed if the labels were on or sent to the charity shop.

If any future girlfriend or boyfriend of my children has issues with my DS wearing pink clothes or DD blue when they were babies, then good riddance, we really don't need people like that in the family.

Just direct them to John Lewis they do none gendered clothing.

Harm is done by always choosing gendered choices. It influences how everyone, including yourself, interacts with the child.

Surely the GPS should be prepared to wait to see what the child's preferences are? So when they are old enough to choose for themselves

Just ask them to buy stuff in white, cream, lemon and pale green because you might have another dc one day, and then you can re-use the clothes.

Don't confuse them with 'gender neutral' just tell them the colour ranges you do want.

And bear in mind that the minute the baby is born they will have to go out and buy a card, and 99.9999% of all new baby cards are either pink or blue

There's nothing wrong with pink or blue or purple or navy. But the clothes can still be unisex and not 'naughty monkey' or 'pretty princess' only. People really wouldn't put a blue simple babygrow on their daughter because they want girls to be girls and it's too masculine?

I'd dress a baby girl in blue, but not a baby boy in pink. It just seems too much like Making a Statement.
No issue with pink for boy toddlers, though.

I’m in the ‘you’re overthinking it’ camp

You’ve tried mentioning it

Now just do what anyone does when they get gifted baby clothes they don’t like - stick bubba in it, take a pic, say thank you, eBay it.
They grow out of stuff in 5 minutes anyway so all too easy to keep the tags on and ‘miss’ the chance to wear it 😂

I know it’s annoyingly if they don’t see it from your point of view, but it’s not the crime of the century.

This isn't the hill to die on. Your attitudes will be what shapes baby into non conforming gender roles. Not the colour of the baby grow they wore

You have to remember, OP, that the GPs2be with their antiquated ways raised you and DH, and you turned out OK.

Erm I’m a year or two younger than OPs DM and MIL my children had gender natural cloths and mixed toys

I didn’t go down the overly pink toy isles!!

So please don’t paint us all the same

Please, please persist.

Gender stereotypes are massively damaging; they entitle men to believe that they are superior and women to believe the same, the net result is a licence to abuse.

I had the same issue and found that a polite but persistent 'clothes are not related to genitalia' worked... most of the time.

take the clothes back to the shop and change for something you do like?
if they ask where the clothes are that they buy your baby (congratulations by the way) you can say they're in the wash
and if they go truffling through your dirty laundry to look for the "i'm a little princess and if I get a brother he'll be a little shit" tshirt that they buy your newborn, then the mil and the ma won't find them and they will look slightly odd for going through your laundry.

or could you not drop noisy hints that "xxxxxx only dresses her baby in gender neutral. that's SO much nicer. I can't WAIT to do that with my baby". blame it on someone else.

but I agree with you. my son used to wear a nightie regularly.

@TomNook

I think there’s a difference between Princess shit and wearing stuff with dinosaurs on

I’m laughing a bit because you are a bit PFB and we all know that when the kid is 2 you’ll have a huge tantrum as they won’t even get dressed.

I’d just leave it and be grateful you have two sets of loving grandparents.

Well said @TomNook

The word unisex may work better than "non gendered".

Do you and the baby's father wear gender neutral clothes?

Do you and the baby's father wear gender neutral clothes?

I know I’m not O/p but if jeans and t-shirt are gender neutral, then yes.

Obviously as adults we have different body shapes so dress to accomodate.

What would be “gender neutral” on a baby or toddler is not the same for an adult. Long hair and a pink shirt on a man is not the same as long hair and a pink shirt on a child.

For some reason children are expected to adhere to gendered appearances so people know how to treat them.

Long hair and a pink shirt on a man

just leaving that here because I can ....