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Original poster

Found out tonight that I'm the other woman..

177 replies

WellThatHurt · 23/06/2020 22:51

name changed for this..

But pretty much that. I had absolutely no idea and now I feel so so bad. Just can't stop over thinking. Do I tell his wife?

Omg. Never imagined being in this position.

OP posts:
Spied · 23/06/2020 22:54

No, you just gracefully grab your dignity and never contact him again.
Full stop.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/06/2020 22:56

If you can prove it rather than just dropping a "I accidentally slept with a married man" text then yes. You'll be told it's not your business, but if someone had known, would you want to know?

Zoomintheroom · 23/06/2020 22:56

Perfect reply from Spied. So sorry OP

SleepingStandingUp · 23/06/2020 22:57

Also I'm sorry op, how long were you together?

Original poster
WellThatHurt · 23/06/2020 23:04

We werent together. It was kind of casual.. couple of times a week for the last 7months. I knew he had a son with another woman, but he had always told me theyd separated when the child was young. The way he spoke, the stories he told, I never ever had reason to believe any different. Until tonight. Hes very much married to his son's mother.

OP posts:
DanniArthur · 23/06/2020 23:08

Aw I'm soo sorry OP. My friend was in this situation so I know how tough it is. She wrestled with the same question but decided not to tell his wife but cut off all contact with him. The poor wife actually found out though, it was after he was cheating with another girl! Some guys are total dogs and you deserve so much better. End it with him, block his number and move on.

Littlebyerockerboo · 23/06/2020 23:10

Firstly I'm so sorry. What a total shock.

I'm in the camp of not getting involved with the wife, you didn't know.. and if it wasnt going on for too long, its best to look after yourself and run.

I would only contact wife if you have solid evidence of what happened, including your innocence - text messages etc. Even then I would be likely to do it through a 3rd person... a friend with no local links?

Prehaps send screenshots through a friend, of your interactions between you and married man, with an explanation of "As a woman, my friend wanted you to know, your husband has been in a relationship with my friend. She doesn't wish to be any nuisance, and she doesn't want any contact or involvement with your husband. She did not know she was the "other woman" and felt like it was only right, you should be aware"
(Or words to that effect)
And leave at that. No more contact.

.....however, I would still be inclined to leave it be and run.

DamnYankee · 23/06/2020 23:23

I like what Spied said.
Did he tell you? Or did you find out some other way?
I wouldn't contact the wife.

DamnYankee · 23/06/2020 23:24

And I'm very sorry. Hope your shock and heartbreak don't last long!

Original poster
WellThatHurt · 23/06/2020 23:37

Yeah after reading your replies I dont think ill tell her. Ive not spoken to him since i found out and i dont think i will be speaking to him again!

He works away a lot and was spending time with me while he was away. Its so obvious now, but over the last few months his stories just made it all seem like it was just convenient and there was no one else. It was his mum. He clearly had his communication with his wife sussed so I didn't find out. But he got a call from his mum, he answered it as he normally would beside me, their phonecalls were very to the point and over with as soon as whatever the call was about was dealt with, they had their chat and she finished with "are you, wife and son coming over for a bbq on sunday for your dads birthday?" His face just drained and the panic in his eyes as he looked at me. He couldn't not tell me the truth. When he had finished telling me I told him he needed to leave and I havent spoken to him since

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 23/06/2020 23:43

I'll never understand why so many mumsnetters wouldn't want to know if their husband was sleeping around. Or that they quite likely needed an std test

Sosounhappy · 23/06/2020 23:44

I am so sorry

Nellydean21 · 23/06/2020 23:45

Well you've no legal obligations. So block him every way you can. Share your pain with friends, here, but not with him. I'm sorry, he completely lied to you. X

Carlottacoffee · 23/06/2020 23:51

Yep been there. It’s shit.

I did some facebook snooping and found his ‘ex’s’ wall. She had it open so people could obviously see it. She was telling the world what a scum bag he was because he’d been caught shagging his brothers girlfriend. So technically I was number three??

He had rented a house which was basically his shag pad and told his wife he worked half of the week away. ‘Working away’ was literally 20 miles away from their home.

I remember he asked me if I would spend Christmas with him as his family had fell out with him over a petty argument Hmm He always had his phone on silent. There was actually loads of signs but I think I just ignored them as I liked him so much

When I pulled him about it he said I was a psycho stalker .. yeah totally my fault Hmm

Two months later I met my husband. Fuck him. Honestly there are more fish in the sea. It’s surprising how common this is.

TARSCOUT · 23/06/2020 23:57

I'm sorry you've been treated like this. Would I tell his wife, yes I absolutely would. I guess the easiest way to decide is if you were here and you'd been made such a fool of, would you want to know?

Isthisfinallyit · 24/06/2020 00:12

I had this once. I wanted to tell his fiance (found her address at his place) but was talked out of it by a friend. I still regret not telling her and sincerely hope that they didn't end up married and/or with kids. It just doesn't feel fair that she was going to marry him without knowing what a twat he was. My friend said that I only wanted to tell out of jealousy. Ten years later I can twll you it's not jealousy, I feel bad about knowing that a woman is being deceived so bad and I was in the position to let her make her own jusdgement and I didn't.?Even if she would have stayed, at least she would have known.

AcrossthePond55 · 24/06/2020 00:13

I may be in the minority, but yes, I would tell the wife. It's her right to have the information to do with as she wishes. She needn't tell anyone else if she doesn't want to. She may kick him out, she may choose to ignore it but at least she'd be making an informed decision. I would want to know.

I'd send her copies of messages if you have them. I'd also tell her that you found out he was married via the phone conversation you overheard with his mother, and give her the date and time and that it was about the birthday BBQ. It would be easy enough for her to verify the call with her MiL or by his call history. He may think to delete your calls, but he probably wouldn't think to delete the call with his mother.

CtrlU · 24/06/2020 00:14

Trust mumsnetters to tell you to do nothing and walk away....

You guys really mean to tell me if your husband was cheating on you, you wouldn’t want to know ??

Ok 🥴

FedUpOfChangingName · 24/06/2020 00:15

Yes i would tell her

100%

Because i would want to know

And its the right think to do, IMO

CtrlU · 24/06/2020 00:15

These sort of posts hit home with a lot of women on here so prepare yourself for a slating OP

Chloemol · 24/06/2020 00:17

Sorry but I would be saying something

  1. , I would want to know if I was the wife
  2. You both need to get a STI check
3=if he has done it to her, how do you know there’s not someone else somewhere? 4 He will do this again to her, why wouldn’t you tell her, otherwise he just gets away with it and does it again
Littlebyerockerboo · 24/06/2020 00:45

I still stand by thinking I am in the camp of not contacting the wife - although I can see the reasons why contacting the wife is the 'right' thing to do.

I more worry about the backlash on op, hence my suggestion that if she can do it without too much involvement on her part, then that would be a good route.

Not every woman responds kindly to the "your husband is cheating" infomation, i would worry for ops safety- some people love to blame the other woman, personally I would be worried about the potential backlash if wife turns out to be this kind of woman.

Littlebyerockerboo · 24/06/2020 00:47

I dont think anyone on here will slate Op... she didn't know he was married, and her question is legitimate, and IMO there's no right or wrong way to deal with this awful situation, you have to gauge it yourself. People of MN can only put out thier thoughts, experiences for op to take on board and make her final decision.

wildone84 · 24/06/2020 00:52

Yes I would tell her and I would do it the way Acrossthepond mentions.

MrsPerfect12 · 24/06/2020 01:26

I would want to know if I was the wife but I would also want some proof before I chucked away a marriage over an anonymous call/text/whatever. She'll need evidence to back it up. Photos etc.