Found out tonight that I'm the other woman..

[WellThatHurt]

name changed for this..

But pretty much that. I had absolutely no idea and now I feel so so bad. Just can't stop over thinking. Do I tell his wife?

Omg. Never imagined being in this position.

Yes, gather as much evidence as possible.

The call with his mother is a good place to start.

Can you prove hotel recipets , meals out, pictures, screen shot of texts with his number clear, anything like that?

@SleepingStandingUp

I'll never understand why so many mumsnetters wouldn't want to know if their husband was sleeping around. Or that they quite likely needed an std test

Yeah I don't get this either. I would want to know wouldn't you? Wouldn't you rather know sooner rather than later, that your piece of shit "DH" was cheating??? Is there no "women code"??

I would want to know, but I would hate to find out via a third party or anonymously.

If you have proof (real proof) then tell her. Let her react accordingly. It won't be easy, but be kind to her.

Poor her and poor you.

I would tell her. When it was me I was grateful to know (wasn't the OW but I would have felt the same if it had been her to tell me).

I’d tell her.

Yes would tell, as your ex’s wife having the information will help her take decisions about her life. Wouldn’t tell him intended to tell. Would try to do it in writing, and provide factual info on dates when you saw him etc. And what he told you about his situation.

@Chloemol

Sorry but I would be saying something

1. , I would want to know if I was the wife
2. You both need to get a STI check

3=if he has done it to her, how do you know there’s not someone else somewhere? 4 He will do this again to her, why wouldn’t you tell her, otherwise he just gets away with it and does it again

This with bells on. 7 months is a long time to lie to your wife, if he gets away with it this time chances are he'll do it again

I'd tell the wife, you're probably not the only other woman. She might even know. Why would you care if the wife is upset at you? Her feelings are not your problem. He shouldn't get away with making you feel like this.

Been on both sides here.

Fell hook line and sinker for the story of amicable separation 10 years in the past, house being renovated so was staying in friend's flat, blah blah. Found out he was married when he appeared in a "How the budget affects your average family" article! I'd met loads of his friends, been to several (of his) work functions). He was obviously very practiced at deception!

Several people told me my ex was having an affair - including his two closest friends. Neither of them said "X is having an affair". One asked if I knew where he was when he stayed out all Friday night " "Yes - he has a drink after work, ditches the car and stays with John" I was so shocked when X told me there was someone else - he had been a devoted dad and husband and had been having an affair for over a year. He even stayed with her when I was in hospital having DC2, having shipped DC1 to his DM! I was totally blind to the signs. And I didn't listen to people telling me what they thought was going on.

I'm not normally stupid. I'd say one of my key talents is being able to read people and situations and in both cases I was hoodwinked.

This must be awful, I'm so sorry.

I would tell the wife, as I would want to know but make sure you have proof (texts, emails).

Please tell his wife. I wish someone had told me.

Why were you privvy to that phone call? Did he take it on loud speaker?

Have you been breaking lockdown rules the past few months?

I’d probably tell her but you will have to be prepared for some level of drama to ensue. It’s unlikely she will just go “oh, ok, thanks for telling me!” And leave it at that. She’ll want lengthy conversations, proof, specific details (well, I would anyway!)

I really don't get the mn mantra of not telling the wife. I just really don't believe you would rather not know if it were you. And if you'd really rather not know then more fool you. As for the idea that she'd find out anyway, well, maybe but it may take months/years and meanwhile she's being conned and may feel like she's going mad if he's continually lying to her.

Do the right thing OP, and screenshot her messages so she knows what he's really like. These tossers keep getting away with it because of so many people looking the other way.

I'd tell his wife too.

I was you once. I had proof. I told her. I'd have wanted to know. It wasn't the first time, I came to find out after I told her. It rarely is.

I am sorry op, but you have had a lucky escape from this man.

You may well have lost many more years had you not found out. I would consider telling his wife, because she is living a lie and it isn't fair on her (and putting her at risk) I am not sure how you are helping her by allowing him to continue lying and cheating, I am sorry to say but he is likely to just move on to the next innocent woman, and start all over again. Every time he does this, he puts her and all the family at risk not just from covid, but also STD. You should also book an app.

I am sorry this has happened to you

I was due to leave the country 3 weeks later and did. He tried to get all aggro, 'You ruined my marriage.' Um, yeah, right, I wasn't the one who was married and lying. He was a practised liar.

I would tell her - if you have physical proof that is otherwise he will make you out to be some crazy obsessive.

No essays. Just facts and proof and maybe a quick I'm really sorry I had no idea he told me you separated years ago - or something along those lines.

But that's my personal opinion as I would 100% absolutely want to know if my partner the father of my child was sleeping with someone else weekly for over 7 months.
I don't understand the whole don't tell her brigade on here especially when the OW was not aware she was the OW.

If she doesn't tell the pig is just having his cake and eating it and will just move onto someone else.

I may be in the minority but I would want to know if I was the wife op.
Definitely don't contact him anymore though.

I also wish someone had told me. I found out after that some of his work colleagues knew (she was also a colleague) and some of those people I had classed as friends for a number of years. It's shit enough, without finding out that you were the last to know.

oh man do not tell his wife! it's none of your business! just move on! she may not believe you anyway! why bother getting involved

I don't know why so many women on here wouldn't want to know their husband was a cheating bastard. I'd rather someone tell me than live a lie.

I think you are in a difficult position really .If you tell her you blow her world wide open .If not ,she is left with a cheat for a husband! I personally would not tell her and walk away .Its quite usual for many wives to maybe suspect something .But by telling her ,you are presenting her with something she may not be ready to deal with ATM with a young child .Also you may get the "you chased him " kind of thing even though its not true.He is the one to blame here not you!