Found out tonight that I'm the other woman..

[WellThatHurt]

name changed for this..

But pretty much that. I had absolutely no idea and now I feel so so bad. Just can't stop over thinking. Do I tell his wife?

Omg. Never imagined being in this position.

I was in this situation when I was 20. He lived and worked in Belgium, he was from Spain. It was a really romantic relationship where he would fly me out every other weekend and we’d drive around Belgium, France and The Netherlands having amazing meals etc. I thought it was the most romantic thing in the world.
One night we were at his apartment and his friends (also Spanish living in Belgium) came over. The girlfriend of the friend took me to one side and told me that they both had wives back in Spain. She thought I should know and make an informed decision as to whether to continue the relationship.
Long story short, I never saw him again.
It’s hard to cut ties and end a relationship with someone you care so much for.
I wouldn’t tell the wife. You’ve done your bit by ending the relationship when you found out the truth. That’s the end of your responsibility.
Good luck xx

^Sorry but I would be saying something

1. You both need to get a STI check^

For this reason alone you need to tell her.

I was the wife in this scenario and I wish one of the women my ex was seeing had told me. It might well have saved me from some awful experiences within my marriage that eventually drove me into throwing him out.

I had concerns and doubts about his fidelity, I just never had the proof and he painted me as someone with severe trust issues and paranoia. I wasn't either of those things, and some proof would have helped me immensely.

It would also have alerted me sooner to safeguarding concerns about him as the first woman that he was involved with threatened him with the police after she tried to break it off but he continued to stalk her.

If you tell her, do it for the right reasons. She may or may not already be suspicious.

I would tell the wife. She deserves to know.

God no one wants to know if their husband or wife is cheating?

No wonder most are "happily" married , you just ignore affairs 🤦🏻‍♀️what you don't know don't hurt I suppose.

I may be in the minority, but yes, I would tell the wife. It's her right to have the information to do with as she wishes. She needn't tell anyone else if she doesn't want to. She may kick him out, she may choose to ignore it but at least she'd be making an informed decision. I would want to know.

This! Also all marriages are different. It might be that she already knows - Maybe she doesn’t want sex and they might have an agreement, or they might have an open marriage - who knows 🤷‍♀️.

Please tell the wife, she deserves to know. 7 months is a long time to have your husband sleeping with someone else. She'll need a Sti check (as wil you).

I have been cheated on in the past, I would want to know and wish someone had told me all those years ago - wasted 7 years of my life

I would tell the wife. Just message her, say how he strung you along 7 months and it was totally plausible until this phone convo. You have blocked him on everything and that she deserves better.

Yes, tell the wife.

Of course you tell her! I've been in the wife's position in this scenario, and I am so so angry that all the people who knew thought it best not to tell me. My x'D'H was horrible to me during his affair. Part of justifying his behaviour, as I was then the nagging wife when I called him out on it. In fact I was so bad he was obviously forced to shag someone else .

It would have saved me months of gas lighting and misery if someone had told me.

Of course you should tell her. I can't believe how many people on this thread are so selfish they would leave another woman in the dark to save themselves from drama.

Tell her.

If you knew he had a child, why did you see him during lockdown?

I would tell her! Chriat wouldnt you wnat to know?!

I was desperate for someone to tell me my ex was cheating then I would have had something else to go on other than just my 'paranioa'. Do the decent thing, OP.

Mumsnet : where married women would rather not not know about their husbands infidelity and live in ignorance so they dont have to make any decisions .

I would tell the wife, not out of spite but for her own protection. For all the reasons already stated such as STIs but also what if she was considering becoming a SAHM? This would leave her in a very vulnerable financial position.

Annoyed I think you'll find that women who have been cheated on are very much in the tell her camp. Those who haven't, and have a false sense of security about it never happening to them are more likely to say keep out of it.

As a wife I would want to know. But as others have said I would need proof, without proof you are just making the situation impossible for the wife

Sorry you’ve been put in this position, how rubbish! I would tell her - I would want to know! He’ll replace you and keep cheating on her and she deserves to make her own informed decision about that.

I would tell her, she deserves to know what her cheating wank of a husband is up to.

So sorry

I'm very much of the school of thought that you don't tell.

You don't know anything about their marriage, she may well shoot the messenger (so if you have a social media presence, watch out) and to be honest, it's not your responsibility to sort out her marriage. Who knows if she too plays away?

Many decades back I turned up at 'his' bachelor pad and found his wife installed. She'd supposedly left him- she had- but somehow it slipped his mind to say she'd come back. She treated me well and attacked him (verbally) for lying to two women. However, 40 years on they are still together so even if I'd sought her out to tell her, it probably would not have made much difference.

Telling always smacks of revenge so I'd keep your dignity and move on.

Karma will come and bite him on the bum one day, for sure.

Funny how so many posters say she would want to know.

There are women who do not want to know!

I know of women who turn a blind eye and are happy to put up with affairs, or suspect affairs, as it is easier than rocking the boat and the upheaval of divorce.

It's not so black and white, you know.

7 months sex a couple of times a week.... did you never visit his home?

Sounds like you had a pretty casual sexual arrangement over a long period of time with a total piece of shit.

Tell his poor wife but tell her in the nicest way. Text or phone I have just realised that I was dating your husband and thought he was single (he implied he was) I would want to know if it was me.

STI check for you and her unless you practised safe sex at all times (even then get checked anyway) - there may be others in this - who knows if he did pick ups or another casual women? Get checked.

I would want to know in her shoes, but I doubt I would be particularly grateful when you told me.