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Original poster

Found out tonight that I'm the other woman..

177 replies

WellThatHurt · 23/06/2020 22:51

name changed for this..

But pretty much that. I had absolutely no idea and now I feel so so bad. Just can't stop over thinking. Do I tell his wife?

Omg. Never imagined being in this position.

OP posts:
Original poster
WellThatHurt · 24/06/2020 10:45

So after much pondering and little sleep ive decided im going to tell her. But im going to tell her properly with evidence, not just a random message with no details. Id want to know if the tables were turned + obviously theres the sti risk that needs addressing. God only knows if im the only one.

For those of you who have mentioned lockdown. Yes we broke the rules but at the time i believed i was doing him a favour. More fool me. He works in a bespoke car business. Due to driving hours he has to stay over at one of the locations a couple of times a week. The dorm type facilities they have are shared + although theres strict distancing rules, they cant be 100% sure theyre not cross contaminating with others using the facilities from different units. So i told him he coule stay with me when working away. I live 7miles from the unit, i live alone + ive been to tesco once and iceland once during the whole of lockdown so i genuinely thought i was being the good guy having him stay here.

OP posts:
Littlebyerockerboo · 24/06/2020 10:47

Good luck op, what you're doing is very brave and admirable.
Let us know how you get on!

Starlightstarbright1 · 24/06/2020 10:48

I would tell her but give her dates so she can piece it together , tell her I was unaware and now you know have ended it and will be having no further contact with him. I may also tell her how you found out , the amount of stories on here of men who lie and lie once found out , give him no room to play dumb

What she chooses to do from there is up to her .

It also must be a shock to you.

PopPopPopPopPop · 24/06/2020 10:52

@Carlottacoffee I think I may have met the exact same man as you!

ivfgottostaypositive · 24/06/2020 10:52

For what it's worth I absolutely agree you are doing the right thing in telling her. Would you want your marriage to be built on lies not to mention the Sti risk

Good luck x

81Byerley · 24/06/2020 10:53

@WellThatHurt When I read your original post, I was in the "don't tell her" camp, but having read all the replies, I've changed my mind. I think @TheMotherofAllDilemmas has it entirely right. Her suggestion of how to word it is kind, and makes it clear that you didn't know. If she asks for proof, you can tell her about the phone conversation.

Ori37 · 24/06/2020 11:16

@CtrlU

These sort of posts hit home with a lot of women on here so prepare yourself for a slating OP

Why???? How is this comment at all helpful??? Perhaps you need to go back and re-read the OP's post. It's not her fault. She didn't know he was a cheating scumbag.

I can understand your comment if the OW knew she was the OW - but in this instance she didn't. I actually feel really sorry for the OP, this is a horrible situation to be in, and one of someone else's devising.

OP - I wouldn't tell the wife. It will cause a whole world of pain. And you'll feel no better from it. Walk away from him and this toxic situation. He's trouble and you're worth better than that.

Margerine78 · 24/06/2020 11:22

I'd tell her, she has a right to know (I'd want to know). I had a 3 year long-distance relationship with someone who I knew to be in the process of a divorce... a process he told me was well underway before we'd even met and I believed him. Turns out he was very happily married the whole time. No divorce. Total lies. Leading a double-life the whoe time. The thing that got me was lots of mutual acquaintances knew and no one told me. So from brutal experience telling her is a kindness (in the long run). Good luck, and sorry you went through it.

CtrlU · 24/06/2020 11:30

[quote Ori37]@CtrlU

These sort of posts hit home with a lot of women on here so prepare yourself for a slating OP

Why???? How is this comment at all helpful??? Perhaps you need to go back and re-read the OP's post. It's not her fault. She didn't know he was a cheating scumbag.

I can understand your comment if the OW knew she was the OW - but in this instance she didn't. I actually feel really sorry for the OP, this is a horrible situation to be in, and one of someone else's devising.

OP - I wouldn't tell the wife. It will cause a whole world of pain. And you'll feel no better from it. Walk away from him and this toxic situation. He's trouble and you're worth better than that.[/quote]
Maybe you need to go back and RE READ my first original comment before quoting this one

Nobody was blaming the OP so read properly and comprehend d what is being said.

The point I was making was threads like this (the other woman telling the wife her husband ya been unfaithful) often leads to hoards of Mumsnetters telling the OP she is the one in the wrong for wanting to be honest and do the right thing.

Reading really is fundamental. And if you didn’t get it - better to get clarity rather than try and prove a point that has already been made Hmm

OrlandoInTheWilderness · 24/06/2020 11:31

Please tell her. I've been in this place and I would want to know.

PopPopPopPopPop · 24/06/2020 11:32

As someone who has been cheated on I would want to know so that I didn't waste any more of my life on the scumbag and so that I didn't have to go through the inevitable weeks of drip feeding and sleuth work to find out the whole truth. So if I were in your position I would tell her. Kindly and gently, and tell her the whole truth and give her the evidence she needs to have no doubt. That will enable her to decide on her course of action without having to question him over and over.

OrlandoInTheWilderness · 24/06/2020 11:35

Oops should've RTFT!
Good stuff OP. She deserves to know.

lillylemons · 24/06/2020 11:37

I would want to know for sure. I'd shake the woman's hand for being brave enough to tell me too.

BurtsBeesKnees · 24/06/2020 11:40

I wish someone had told me.

Fink · 24/06/2020 12:06

I wish the OW had told me, so yes I'd want to know. However, I'd also have wanted evidence. I'm not sure what I would have thought if a random woman contacted me and claimed this without any proof, I had no suspicions at the time.

rottiemum88 · 24/06/2020 12:23

I also think you're doing the right thing OP. Doesn't matter what the wife does or doesn't already know, that's not your responsibility. The fact is you now know something about her marriage that she may not know and which could fundamentally change her relationship/life if she was to know. I'd like to think someone would tell me if I was the wife in that scenario, so I could make a decision based on all the facts. If she chooses to live in denial/not believe you/stay with her husband and work things out, that's also not your responsibility, you're just allowing her to make an informed choice

Fattyboom · 24/06/2020 13:19

I know of women who turn a blind eye and are happy to put up with affairs, or suspect affairs, as it is easier than rocking the boat and the upheaval of divorce.

Well then these women don't need to act on the information they receive and can just ignore it. I wouldn't not say something on the (rare) off chance of an open relationship/agreement/person choosing to turn a blind eye.

Lots of women do want to know, because they suspect and are being gaslit/accused of paranoia

SleepingStandingUp · 24/06/2020 13:51

but it will come out eventually - his cheating won't be a once off so it's better he sleeps with 5 woken and she finds out 10 years down the line after 3 kids than he sleeps with one wan, and she finds out after 1 kid? Not toention the many wan on here who have said they suspected but had no proof and were gaslight Ed into believing they were being ridiculous

And as for the "she's none of my business" I hope I'm never collapsed on the street in front of you as presumably, not your problem

GabsAlot · 24/06/2020 13:56

i would tell her but like u say with proof then she can decide what to do-and i would get an std test myself

MegaClutterSlut · 24/06/2020 13:59

Glad you're going to tell her. If my husband was a piece of shit I'd want to know

Mylittlepony374 · 24/06/2020 14:05

You're doing the right thing. I would want to know if my husband was a cheating scumbag.
I've also been in your position however and stupidly used my own phone to tell the wife. Don't do that. She stayed with him but would regularly text and try and ring me to try and see if I was still seeing him. I would also get texts from his phone that I am sure she was writing (e.g. The missus has thrown me out, can I stay at yours etc) and I had to change my number in the end.
So use a different phone. Or do via email.
Good Luck.

Apolloanddaphne · 24/06/2020 14:05

I am glad you Ade going to tell her. As horrible as it will be she really needs to know what sort of bastard her DH is.

blosstree · 24/06/2020 14:09

You're in a really awful position here OP, I would find it extremely difficult to relay this news. But as others have said, she needs an STI test (as do you!) and she deserves to know what her husband is doing so that she can make an informed decision on what to do. Send evidence, including evidence of the fact he lied to you and you didn't know about her.

However, be prepared that she may lash out at you. Just be very formal and informative about it.

You have been lied to here as well, it's his fault not yours.

Original poster
WellThatHurt · 24/06/2020 14:43

Thanks for all the support guys. Im currently mutli-tasking working and collecting evidence. I have text from him saying hes collecting son from ex-partners for the night etc etc. Despite the fact hes now informed me he still lives with wife and child. I have photos of us together. I have other messages that will give evidence, all time stamped. I have some of his clothes here along with stuff like a toothbrush, showergel and such, which could mean little on their own but she may recognise them.

He tried to call me at 11 this morning but i didnt answer. Ive not had any other attempts to contact me as of yet though.

Don't worry, I will be booking in for a full check up too!

OP posts:
PopPopPopPopPop · 24/06/2020 14:46

Make sure you show her the text!