Found out tonight that I'm the other woman..

[WellThatHurt]

name changed for this..

But pretty much that. I had absolutely no idea and now I feel so so bad. Just can't stop over thinking. Do I tell his wife?

Omg. Never imagined being in this position.

I had a liar boyfriend from the age of 19 to about 21. He said he came from an illustrious naval family, middle-class, had pots of money, and that he was 5 years older than me. I found out his family went bust years before, he was 10 years older than me (idiot left his passport on the kitchen table) and his dad was a serial philanderer. He lived in Holland, I was in England, and I spent a lot of money so that I could see him. Anyway, turns out he stole a lot of money (more lying) to fund a business. He got fired from his job, and I got dumped by text. It was my first serious relationship. A couple of weeks afterwards, I got an email from a woman whom I believed he was "friends" with (naive eh?) who said she was also in a relationship with this man. Like father like son.

I agree with others. Don't contact your cheating man again.

Also, most affairs ( as shown by stats and on MN) blow themselves out.
Often, one party suspects but prefers to play the long game and say nothing.
Men tend only to leave if they really want the OW and in the majority of cases they don't, and even if the wife finds out they patch things up.

Yes tell the wife. I’ve been there and had a baby with a man who cheated all the time. Someone could have saved me from getting pregnant. Someone could have alerted me even after I’d had the child, and I would have got the hell away. He’s ended up totally eroding my confidence, and he will be doing this to his wife. She’s in a horrible position but with the facts she is in a less horrible position.

As a wife I'd want to know if it was my husband. If she stays with him at least she's doing so with her eyes open.
Why should you keep his dirty little secret and let him get away with screwing you both over.

I was told and although it really hurt, it meant that I could make plans and move on. I'm still only 2 months into this so it's still pretty new but personally I would rather know than not but again I might be in the minority.

@AcrossthePond55

I may be in the minority, but yes, I would tell the wife. It's her right to have the information to do with as she wishes. She needn't tell anyone else if she doesn't want to. She may kick him out, she may choose to ignore it but at least she'd be making an informed decision. I would want to know.

I'd send her copies of messages if you have them. I'd also tell her that you found out he was married via the phone conversation you overheard with his mother, and give her the date and time and that it was about the birthday BBQ. It would be easy enough for her to verify the call with her MiL or by his call history. He may think to delete your calls, but he probably wouldn't think to delete the call with his mother.

This exactly

No, I wouldn't tell her but I would threaten to if he ever tried to contact you again.

Sorry OP

Yes I would definitely tell his wife.

I would want to know, of course.
Horrible for you though OP, puts you in the position of feeling cruel , when you are blameless in this.
There is no “good” way to give someone this news, but I agree she needs to know.

You're most likely not his only bit on the side. He'll be shagging and lying to women wherever he travels for work . God knows how many women he puts at risk of STI or pregnancy , including, his poor wife.

She does need to know.

To NOT tell the wife is an act of supreme selfishness.

Because the only reason I have seen given on here is because she might 'shoot the messenger ' well that really doesn't matter in the scheme of things. ! You will never see either again.

You May have an uncomfortable few minutes- you May not.. whichever way it is you owe it to the wife - to let her do with it what she wishes , from a position of full knowledge..

As for 'it's not your business' .. this is just lazy.. having sex with someone is surely the epitome of 'your business' !

Until women stop letting men get away with this type of behaviour- by being silenced and controlled for fear of a label.. (jealous, vindictive, scorned etc) this behaviour will continue. .. those saying don't tell are simply colluding with the cheats mandate .

I'm with camp 'Tell her'. I would tell. I would want to know, no matter what sorry you got hurt, and sorry you are in such a crappy position.

I would have wanted to know. I needed a good excuse to leave a bad marriage. I was not getting any support but a lot of judgement for being so stupid wanting to leave Mr Perfect Husband.

It would have saved me years of misery knowing he was cheating at the time rather than learning about it a year or two after the split.

Don’t go into gory details or anonymous communications, send her a message saying something like “I realise we both are victims of this deception. I have been dating a divorced man for x months and I realised just yesterday, he is still your husband. I have ended it but I thought you would like to know.”

She has a right to know

No. Just quietly disappear from his life.

What did he have to say for himself?

Please tell his wife.

I think you have to tell her. Whilst I would hate to find this out, I've always been someone who would rather know (as nice as it may be to be oblivious) however it won't end here, this will happen again and she needs to know so she can make a conscious decision about her own life - he should not get to decide this for her.

Tell her.

Also, it's not about being able to prove you were innocent, she may hate you for this, but she's not your friend. You know who you are. She will thank you for it in the long run.

This happened to me. I didn't tell his wife because A) I wouldn't have known how to contact her (pre Facebook) and B) I was scared she'd blame me.

Then, however many months later, I was in a club and my friends warned me she was walking straight at me across the dance floor. I was quaking but she sat down with a big smile and offered to buy me a drink.

Her mates had told her it was common knowledge that I'd I dropped him like a hot stone as soon as I found out he was married and she'd finally decided to divorce him. She was really grateful to me.

I'll never understand why so many mumsnetters wouldn't want to know if their husband was sleeping around. Or that they quite likely needed an std test

Yep, she deserves to know her sexual health has been compromised.

Can anyone in the stay quiet camp tell me why you wouldn't want to be told?

I'll never understand why so many mumsnetters wouldn't want to know if their husband was sleeping around.

Ime the one who tells has all the shit heaped on them plus some wives know but don't want to be forced to confront it.

@SleepingStandingUp

not that i wouldn't want to be told necessarily - obviously i'd want to know and Leave my husband if he was cheating on me - but it will come out eventually - his cheating won't be a once off

BUT as the other woman I just would keep my nose out as it is not any of my business - i've been there once before and I just blocked the guy and moved on and pretty much never thought much about it again! I was pissed off, he's a horrible cheater! But his girlfriend is nothing to do with me, I never met her and I wouldn't waste further time & energy going out of my way to get in touch with her to tell her!

Maybe if more heartbroken OW were to tell the wife then we would have a fairer divorce system. Every day there are heartbroken wife's posting on here about trying to find evidence of DH's affairs so that they can divorce these cheating bastards with proof of infidelity but due to their duplicitous DH's deleting evidence and OW keeping quiet, the poor wife's are always driven to distraction trying to find the crumb trail.

This happened to me OP. I was 21 and working part time in a pub in the evenings. There was a building site nearby and a group of men were working there and staying in a local B&B Monday to Saturday. They used to come in the pub all the time.

I started dating a guy a couple of years older than me. I even took him home to meet my parents. One evening one of his mates actually joked with me about what a shock it would be if I found out he was married with a child - but naive as I was it never crossed my mind anyone would do that and I just thought he was winding me up.

One evening the guy I was dating sat me down and got out a picture of his wife and child and confessed all. He wanted to continue the relationship but clearly that wasn't going to happen.

I left my job at the pub and never saw him again. I felt such a fool that I hadn't worked it out that it really knocked my confidence for a while. I didn't even stop to find out his wife's name or where they lived so there was no chance of contacting her and to be honest, I was so embarrassed I don't think I would have called her anyway.

It's a bit sickening but reassuring at the same time to realise that I'm not the only one this happened to.