Hoarder is finally decluttering whole house.... how do you stop the shame though?

[LewisFan]

So I'm a hoarder due to mh and other stuff. Finally got my mh sorted so now it's time for a new slate.

My whole tiny terrace is full of 17 years worth of childrens clothes, toys, paperwork... literally all sorts. I even have a stage1 car seat for family trips still.... my nephew is 8!

My home does not look like a tv hoarding show, but its time to get rid.

How do I stop the feelings of shame? It's so powerful... I could literally sob throughout this process.

3 bags down, eleventybajillion to go..... good job I got a skip!

Just keep going one bag at a time. You were having mh problems, it’s not like you did this on purpose.

You can't change what's happened. Grit your teeth and fight through the feelings of shame.
Post here every day of your progress, or lack there of - and in time you'll be able to look back and see how far you've come.
Very good luck from me!
Well done for taking the first, tentative steps. It will be worth it.

Stand aside from Past You and congratulate Present You on doing something to improve your life.
Good luck with making this change. There’s no shame in keeping things and no shame in deciding that you’ve changed enough not to want to hang on to it all

I don't think it's as simple as stopping the feelings of shame but for what it's worth I think it's those feelings (or ones related to them) that caused the hoarding in the first place. So maybe if you can see the shame as something that is happening to you and you are vanquishing like a knight rather than something you caused it would help.

Well done! Keep going! You are a worthy and important person!!

I think that you are doing fantastically. You are 1 step towards having a really nice house. The past is the past and you can't change that, but you can change how you want to be living in the future.

Maybe just think of this as a long overdue spring clean? Is there someone supportive you can share progress pictures with?

If you'd broken your leg in the past you wouldn't feel ashamed of having crutches in the house. Your clutter is just an old crutch from your mental health issues. Just stuff you no longer need now you're feeling better. Nothing to feel ashamed of - feel proud that you are doing so well and feel able to tackle it now. Am cheering you on!

There isnt anything for feel shame over. You haven't dont anything wrong or shameful.

You had some mental health wobbles; you've gotten better. You're now moving past it and getting ready for future you to be healthy.

If someone was suffering a long term physical illness, and had been unable to keep on top of housework but then got better and sorted out their house... you wouldn't tell them they should be ashamed, would you?

Mental health is just the same. It's nothing to be shameful about.

as others have said - no shame in illness, not your fault.

well done on making progress and the very best to you!

It’s so wonderful that your mental health has improved and you are tackling your unneeded items.
There is nothing to be ashamed about, you were unwell and it caused you to hoard. It’s amazing that you are now able to start a new chapter in your life, be kind to yourself, you are doing brilliantly

Turn the feelings of shame into feelings of pride for every bag you fill and every hoarded item that leaves the house.

This is not a simple or easy task for you - it is huge - and you deserve so much credit for having dealt with your mental health issues, and for tackling the hoarded items.

It might help if you saw the hoard not as stuff, but as a symptom of your illness - you don't blame your body for sneezing if you have allergies, or for vomiting if you have a tummy bug - and this is exactly the same - it is not your fault, and you are dealing with it now.

As a child of hoarders, and someone who struggles against my inherited hoarding tendencies, I just wanted to wish you luck and say how much I admire you for being able to tackle this. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You have been on a journey where, at an earlier stage, you needed to hoard and now you have arrived at a later stage where it feels right to declutter.

Call the shame a name you hate. Whenever it rears up, say “FUCK OFF BASIL!” (Other names are available).

Respect, OP. Take it bit by bit.

Thanks folks...

Part of me wants to take before/after photos but I'm too embarrassed I think I will though...

Thanks for the encouragement and sense-talking. It has helped a lot

Think what you would say to a friend in the same situation. You would encourage, not berate them. We always speak to ourselves so unkindly...

My therapist would say that it is a good opportunity for healing and growth. When the shame comes up, don't ignore it or push through it. Acknowledge it, be kind to the parts of (historic) you that feel the shame, feel the sadness and maybe anger for what caused the shame. Own the shame and see it for what it likely is: rejection and punishment you received in the past that you've internalised but did not deserve.

And do something caring for yourself now and allow yourself to feel proud of what you're doing now. I imagine the road you walked has been hard and you've made it.

No just take beautiful after photos. I'm not sure the before photos will ever make you feel nice, even when you have cleared it all. Past You deserves respectful thoughts as well as Now You.

There is nothing to be ashamed about. Your MH issues led to this - it's not your fault. There are plenty of horrible people in the world who do have a lot to be ashamed of. You, on the other hand, are sorting your life out - you should be proud, not ashamed!

Allow yourself to sob. Let it all out.

It will get easier with each bag. It will turn into relief as you let go of the stuff and all the emotions tied to it.

I don't know how you stop the feeling of shame but it's pride you should be feeling, not shame.

You have overcome MH problems. You are taking concrete steps to address the physical evidence of those problems. Maybe look at every bag as a physical representation of a problem that you sending to the tip and recognise your strength in being able to do this? When you fill a bag, yell "goodbye anxiety", "goodby fear" or whatever issues were most troublesome to it?

Best of luck and well done.

You should feel proud that you are dealing with your hoard. Personally I would take photos before and after, even if you just put them on one side and never look at them. You may want them in the future to remind yourself how far you've come.

There's no shame to feel, only pride that you are now facing up to and dealing with the problem.

You've taken a massive step forward, the hardest step is the first one on an issue like this.

Be proud of yourself. Be kind to yourself. You can do it!

@MuseumOfYou is spot on. Our inner voice is harsh, and it’s hard to get past that. It sounds like you’re being really strong, and you can do this.

On a practical tip maybe just do a short session at a time (timed) so you can know you’ve finished for the day and not worry about it after that for the rest of the day. Good luck

not everyone who has far too much stuff has MH issues either - I had a house full of stuff, mainly because there was space to put it into the attic/garage/shed, and it was only when we downsized that I actually got round to sorting through the baby clothes/car seats/20 year old electricity bills and chucked most of it out. I hadn't needed to before, so I hadn't done it. Youngest DC was 16 at this point .

What you're doing OP, is turning your house into your home, which is a really positive thing to do, so focus on the 'after' and leave the 'before' in the past.

Can you draw up a big grid and put a massive colourful TICK in every box for every bag that goes??

Then at the end of every row (say 5 bags?) you get a small treat and at the end of every large milestone say 25/50/75 a bigger one and then a humongous reward when you get to 100??

So every bag is a source of pride and progress rather than shame.