Mum says I caused her divorce and I’m going to cause my own divorce too

[Molocosh]

My mum has told me I caused her divorce and if I don’t look sharp I’ll end up divorcing my own husband for the same reason.

My son (age 2) doesn’t sleep, never has. He never goes to sleep until at least 10-11pm, sometimes after midnight. We have no child free time without him. Each night one of us takes him to bed at 8pm and has to stay there for hours while the other watches tv downstairs then goes to bed alone. When he wakes up during the night I get in his bed with him and end up falling asleep. My mum often jokes that he’s her revenge on me because I never slept either.

Unsurprisingly we don’t get the chance to cuddle or kiss or have sex, or even make eye contact and talk, because we constantly have a child with us. Apparently he’s been whinging that I don’t have time for him. So my mum has told me that my dad used to say the same thing, and then he divorced her. She said I destroyed their relationship because I didn’t sleep for several years so they had no adult time together.

Needless to say I feel like shit because I’ve been told that I caused my parents’ divorce. And now I’m worried about my own marriage because I thought we were coping the best we can with a crap situation - but he’s obviously unhappy and I don’t see what I can do about it? I have a child glued to me round the clock and I have no choice about that?

That's horrible of your mum to say. You were a baby, you didn't cause anything.

But the bedtime routine you describe is insane. You need to get firm, get him into a routine and work together to do it. He needs to be in his own bed.

Your DH also should stop whinging to your mum.

What time does your son wake up in the morning?

Ok first things first, it sounds like you're listening to your mom. I think what she's saying is BS but we'll stick with it in a moment. But why in her marriage it was the child's fault, and in your marriage it's the mothers fault? So even if you want to believe her, it's just not logical.

Second not sleeping and not having time for each other can be really stressful. So you need to figure out if you're happy with the arrangement as it stands and do you want to do anything? Think about where you're at now, what's acceptable to you and what you'd like to change. Then maybe start thinking of steps.

Like if the issue is just no time together then I'd give my mom a massive hug, say you're dead right my marriage is on its knees a thanks for the advice .... when are you babysitting? You can go for a boozy lunch (pandemic picnic?) day time cuddles whatever.

If the issue is the sleep look up types of sleep training and see if any would suit you're set up.

And have a chat with dh so he knows how you feel. I know in this situation I was happy to a point to keep going but I let my dh know that I missed our time together and was pissed off we were in that situation too, I just wasn't ready/didn't know how to tackle it. Before that I think he thought I was blissfully happy not sleeping in life.

I think your mum is trying to gently advise you to actively do something about it. Have you considered any options such as controlled crying or hiring a sleep consultant? I know how crap it can be, I had 2 dc who from newborn stage only seemed to need half of the sleep that others their age required. It definitely had an impact on our marriage, but my DH didn't really pull his weight either so I wasn't prepared to listen to his complaints.

What a horrible thing to say to you. Of course you didn’t cause their divorce. I genuinely don’t get the whole ‘adult time’ thing. You have a family, children need looking after, you do what’s best for them and if that means them being in your bed, so be it. When my daughter started school, bedtime routine became longer as she couldn’t sleep til later, so we quit trying to get her to sleep earlier than she needed. Her dad’s asleep before she is!

Wow, well your mum is as blunt as a barn door! Did she actually offer anything like babysitting/overnight respite so you can spend some time together?

If not she sounds quite spiteful, but it's true that young children's poor sleep gives any relationship a battering.

Does your partner have any constructive input on how you could both change things? Or is everyone just whining and leaving shit you can't change at your door?

Reframe this

Your Dmum is not saying you caused the divorce

She is saying the choices she and your DDad made to deal with the tougher bits of parenthood tended to further the decline of their relationship, not reinforce that you’re in this together and building your family is a mutually reinforcing and rewarding task

Put like that, what she’s said is intrusive (but mums are one of the few people who can intrude a bit) but it is helpful. And it does sound as if you need help to get yourself off what sounds like a pretty shitty treadmill. Recognising that you’ve got a problem is the first step in solving it

So what to do. I’d say best thing is to talk to your DH about how he’s finding this phase. If he tries to gloss over it then perhaps you do already have a problem. But if you two can acknowledge how you each feel, what changes (even if they seem our in the sky right now) you want to see happening, then some sort of ideas on how to get there

Will your DMum babysit? Because opportunities for what you can do when you go out are rather limited right now, but a walk and a sit in a park with a picnic might be a pretty good time to talk

They got divorced because they didn't work things through together - a child can't cause divorce. It is stressful, I say this as someone who has just creakily got up from sleeping in a toddler's bed last night. What does your husband say about the situation?

Well your mum shouldn’t have said that. It’s nonsense. Plenty of marriages survive long periods of difficult non sleeping children / illness / disabilities etc etc. Life isn’t perfect but if you are a team then you get through it. Dh and I have been through all sorts with zero family help whatsoever (literally just us, no family at all) - me having disabilities, non sleeping child with autism and learning disabilities etc etc. We just muddle through and as our son has got older and started school we make time for us then (days off etc). He’s 8 and has never slept through.

Anyway... I’m waffling about me. What have you tried to get your little one to sleep without you?

It was really nasty of your mum to tell you that, and I’m sure she hasn’t given you the full picture.

I do think you need to find a way to change your toddlers routine though. Why is one of you staying upstairs with him from 8pm? Put him to bed and leave him there; if he gets up put him back. It takes time and effort but he’ll get it eventually.

Well your mum talks shit, a child doesn't ruin a marriage, the adults in the marriage do.
The bedtime routine is crazy though. Have you thought about letting your DS stay up a bit later to tire himself out? What's his sleeping routine during the day?

Your mum stuff aside as that's not a particularly supportive way of framing it, you have both got to sort out bedtime, if you divorce over this it's because neither of you have gotten to the bottom of it. A 2 year old should not be up that late, it's terrible for his health and yours. Can you bring in some professional help to enable you to get to the bottom of it?

Your mum was insensitive but to be fair in your situation I would be looking at how I can sleep train or claw some time somewhere for my relationship because your current situation is bound to have a negative impact on your relationship.

DS is in his own bed. He went to bed at 8 last night but refused to lie down. He pottered around doing roly polys and playing with whatever he could get his hands on until 12, then he went to sleep and woke up at 5, so I had to get in bed with him to shush him back to sleep. Then he got up at 7 asking for food. After breakfast he decided he was still tired and lay on the sofa dozing for an hour while I did the housework. He will be on the go until midnight again. I’d like him to go to bed at 8 and stay there for 12 hours but there’s no way to make that happen. We’ve tried for years.

We have no babysitter. Not just because of Covid - my mum is disabled so can’t babysit, DH’s mum is too busy so won’t babysit. That’s part of the reason why we’ve never had any time together. We’ve literally had one night a year when DH has persuaded his mum to babysit.

You need to talk to your DH! Openly and honestly about the current set up. Tell him your fears. You're right that you're both getting through a hard situation.

At 2, I really think you need some evenings back together, just to have a breather. Habits can usually be changed in 3 days in babies. Decide on a gentle retreat method and just do it.

My DD's coslept with us, dd2 was 6 and still coming into our room in the middle of the night and whilst yes I'm getting divorced, it's 12 years later and nothing to do with the kids. You need to get alone time but you also need to be a family, snuggle together, nothing wrong with you having a cuddle, the three of you. Do use pure bribery to get dc to stay in bed at first, we found a book then put on an audio book worked well, at that point went downstairs

I assume you've dropped all daytime naps to try and fix the evening's lack of tiredness?

Two separate issues.

1. the attitude of your mother. Shut this down. If she mentions it repeat "I am not discussing my marriage with you" or end the call
2. your sons sleep. Personally, I think what you are doing now isn't working for you. So it's the perfect time to make some changes. It's worth starting a post specifically asking for advice to try on this.

What a horrid thing to say! I’llYou were a child you didn’t cause a divorce

But I agree that you need to address the bedtime routine you have
Could you ask the hv for advice ?
I suspect you and dh are going to have be the ‘mean’ parents for a bit Setting Strict boundaries And your child will probably object and cry- but it won’t do him any harm

I found a very strict bedtime routine- doing the same thing every night at the same time worked for us

It was your mums very shit and blunt way of telling you what you are doing is ruining your marriage .
Do you really want to sit with dc for hours every night? No
I've been there when they won't sleep but you are making a rod for your own back . This will carry on for years if you are not careful.
Take dc to bed sit for a few minutes then leave , he will scream leave it a bit then come back .
You need to gradually withdraw sitting for hours so eventually it will be minutes , it will take a few weeks but isn't it better than this ? .
My personal opinion never let your child sleep with you as it will be a regular thing .
You need time with your dh this is insane what you are both doing .

OP I have this problem with my DD, she was up until midnight, me and my DH never had time without her and then I had my DS.
Now this might not be the right way to do it as it did take a long time so I’m sure others have better advice.
We both had enough and knew we had to get her into a routine especially as we also had a newborn.
At 9pm I started taking her to bed, we’d read a book, lights off and I would lay with her until she feel asleep, at first we still weren’t seeing each other until 10/11 o’clock but eventually she started falling asleep faster.
We then started to take her to bed earlier and finally got her into a routine of getting ready for bed between 7-8 and falling asleep between 8-9.
I’m not going to lie this took me a good few of years and when she was 6 we no longer needed to stay with her until she fell asleep, I’m now able to tuck both kids in at night around 8/half 8 and have my evenings with my DH.

No more dozing on the sofa or napping in the daytime. He won't sleep if he's not tired enough or if he's too tired. It's a balancing act.

Rewards, treats, bribes, praise, charts. Anything. And no napping

Your Mum was very unkind to say what she did. Your son’s sleep routine does need addressing though.

First of all, your mother should not have said that. And I would be deeply unimpressed if - as her comment implies - your dh has been 'whinging' to her. He has no business doing so and she has no business indulging him. I'd be having a sharp word with both.

About the sleep. My youngest is/was a bit like this. She's rising 5 now and doesn't sleep before 10. She wakes between 7 and 7.45 usually and hasn't napped in the day (except for at nursery or when she's ill) for a good year now. Some children do only need little sleep. When is your ds up in the morning? Does he sleep in the day? is he at nursery? Does he seem tired in the dayß How are his energy levels? How is his development otherwise? (I ask this because, while my dd is living proof that a child can be otherwise typical but have these sorts of sleep patterns (11-12 was late for her at 2, though), sometimes other issues can be at play and it's advisable to check for those).

Tbh i wouldn't be taking him to bed at 8 if he really is only sleeping that little - I'd do something with him until, say, 9.30 - reading or a sunset walk or play in the garden now the nights are so light - and then you'll feel less trapped doing bedtime afterwards, plus he may be more tired and sleep earlier.

Does your partner have any constructive input on how you could both change things? Or is everyone just whining and leaving shit you can't change at your door?
DH is just whining about not having sex because I’m constantly attached to his child (who he asked me to have). I can’t do anything about the situation. I’ve suggested that if DH is so bothered he should wave the magic wand himself, because I’m equally sick of having no free time. And if he can’t make DS sleep then what does he think I can do about it?

Why is one of you staying upstairs with him from 8pm?
DS will scream and beat his head off the baby gate if we put him in his room and leave him. He has caused some nasty head injuries by doing this. Or he will do dangerous things like climbing into the wardrobe or getting under the mattress.