Mum says I caused her divorce and I’m going to cause my own divorce too

[Molocosh]

My mum has told me I caused her divorce and if I don’t look sharp I’ll end up divorcing my own husband for the same reason.

My son (age 2) doesn’t sleep, never has. He never goes to sleep until at least 10-11pm, sometimes after midnight. We have no child free time without him. Each night one of us takes him to bed at 8pm and has to stay there for hours while the other watches tv downstairs then goes to bed alone. When he wakes up during the night I get in his bed with him and end up falling asleep. My mum often jokes that he’s her revenge on me because I never slept either.

Unsurprisingly we don’t get the chance to cuddle or kiss or have sex, or even make eye contact and talk, because we constantly have a child with us. Apparently he’s been whinging that I don’t have time for him. So my mum has told me that my dad used to say the same thing, and then he divorced her. She said I destroyed their relationship because I didn’t sleep for several years so they had no adult time together.

Needless to say I feel like shit because I’ve been told that I caused my parents’ divorce. And now I’m worried about my own marriage because I thought we were coping the best we can with a crap situation - but he’s obviously unhappy and I don’t see what I can do about it? I have a child glued to me round the clock and I have no choice about that?

Wow your mum sounds charming! You did not cause your parents divorce at all what a suggestion, they divorced because their marriage didn’t work out while you were an innocent child, so ignore that part completely.

However, that bedtime situation does not sound good for anyone so if it’s making you both unhappy I would chat to your DH about how to work as a team to change it. Could you afford a sleep consultant? I’ve never used one but I’ve got friends who swear by the one by ours, and changing a long term sleep issue can be very difficult on your own. Having your child sleep at a reasonable time and sleep through the night would make such a huge difference to both of your mental health and your marriage. Well I assume so, mine doesn’t but she’s not too bad - we do get a bit of an evening at least

1. Loads of advice on here about bad sleepers/non sleepers. Set up a specific and separate thread for that. Talk to your DH and tell him you both need a strategy to address this so that you can get some adult time back.

2. Tell your Mum that she's made you feel like total shit, and that it's really hurtful to know that she blames you for her divorce. I bet her response is defensive and along the lines of 'I didn't mean it like that' - in which case tell her that she needs to think before opening her mouth next time as once those words are out there, they can't be taken back. Then I'd be putting a bit of distance in.

OP when this shit COVID is over can you afford to pay for a babysitter? Even once a month for a meal out is worth it. You must view it as in investment in your marriage and mental health.

We had three DC under three and ended up paying £200 for a sleep consultant. She was amazing and didn’t make us do anything we weren’t comfortable with. She wrote a minute by minute sleep schedule. It’s a while back but she is still around and may do online consulting - Andrea Grace.

Ignore your mum she shouldn’t put that on you. You were a child. You are two parents

I had a bad sleeper and similar issues, those daytime sleeps need to be knocked on the head. It's tempting to let them slide because it gives you time to do stuff rest, but they have to go, or if you shorten them. Also it would help to keep you DC outside as much as possible 2 hours a day if you can, and make him walk lots of places. Its tough, your mum was not helpful in her wording, a non sleeper is torture.

We x posts - tbh he sounds a bit under-stimulated and bored. Was he doing any groups/nursery etc pre-lockdown?

I wouldn't be letting him nap after breakfast - that would be the point at which I said 'right, ds, time for a walk/scoot/balance bike' and out we would go.

Oh and lots of sensory play - mud/sand/water, outside if possible, or, if not, inside, and to hell with the mess. Painting/playdoh. Walks through the woods. I'd possibly also be slightly more liberal with (well-chosen) screen time than you probably feel comfortable with, just so you can catch your breath.

No he doesn’t sleep during the day. He gets really tired and naughty about 3pm so sometimes I force him to have a little nap, but it’s a battle of wills. He just doesn’t want to sleep.

Even before Covid we didn’t hire a babysitter because we don’t like the idea of leaving our child alone with some random. If he had a grandparent or aunty we would leave him, but not with some stranger.

You need a sleep consultant. Alison Scott Wright is amazing. It's not cheap but it will be worth every penny to get your lives back. I have a child who has always been a terrible sleeper but following strict routines has really helped and it has helped my marriage getting our evenings back. Your mum is right, sleep deprivation and no time together can put pressure on a relationship. Sometimes I think I hate my husband, but then we manage an evening with a few glasses of wine and grown up conversation, specifically not about sleep, and i remember that actually he is ok!

It is not a child's fault if parents break up due to lack of sleep. It is the parents for not prioritising fixing the situation. So your mum should take responsibility for her own actions and not pass blame onto you. But equally I would say, please do get help, your night routine cannot continue.

Your mother is talking rubbish - so start by having far less to do with her.

Get some advice - read some books on sleep routines. But I also think you need to sort some other things out with him - he needs to be able to entertain himself for a bit. If he wakes at 5 then he should be able to play quietly by himself - or you settle him and return to your own bed. You also need to not stay with him from 8 to midnight.
Every time he gets up, one of you quietly takes him back to bed, and leaves him there. It may be tiring but it will be a whole lot less tiring than what you are doing.
He also needs to be physically active in the day time, may need fewer naps, and needs to have a good diet.

You need to also get your husband on board with sorting this. And bluntly he needs to stop whining for sex : not an attractive characteristic. Tell him sex might happen if you are less exhausted and you've both cracked your toddlers sleep.

And people don't divorce over toddler sleep - they might divorce because that lack of sleep shows their partner is selfish and not taking responsibility. And there is nothing wrong with divorce for selfishness.

OP what a wicked thing for your mum to say..her divorce was her and her husbands inability to make their marriage work.It was way beyond your ontrol so please do not listen to such vile comments.As for your little one I had a child still do who would rather do anything but go to sleep! The things that helped us was blackout curtains in the bedroom and a fan to keep the bedroom cool. Also to be fair to your litle one who wants to go to bed t 8 pm when its brilliant sunshine and warm outside.Ditch your routine for the summer and get your little one outside and wobbling about.Nothing makes you more tirednaturally than fresh air.Have dinner as you usuallu do then have a bit of supper for your little one to make sure they are full and not peckish.Then before bed have some quiet time with a bath then look at a book together for 10 mins...do this everyday so you get a routine and your little one knows whats going to happen then when its calm its time for bed. But it is summer let your little one wear themselves out having fun.If you take the pressure off and relax together you and your husband can play together with your child and enjoy each other together.. You are not on your own and we have all had pressure during having kids in the early years and come out of it with our marriages stronger.You will be fine your little one will be fine Tell your mum to shut up and even she willbe fine!

Could you try putting your DS back in a cot? Our 2 year old is still in her cot so it stops her from getting up drying the night. We tried briefly the bed but she wonders so at least the cot stops her from being able to get up and play with toys.

I wonder if 8 is too late a bed time - if he's over tired it can be much harder to get to sleep.

I'd get him physically active stop during day outside if possible and ditch any daytime naps - try bath before bed and routine and some firmness - ie taking him back to bed every time and a much earlier bedtime.

Baths help as they calm them down and get them slightly cold - being slightly cold triggers sleepiness - also try lavander scent in room - routines also help them know what's happening and the body starts to expect to be sleepy. It takes much longer than you think to set up a routine but you do need to keep at it.

There are a very small minoirty of children who don't sleep well till older or sometime never their set up gentically to need little sleep.

However I think the problem here is routine - normal times many areas run sleep clinics - may well be worth phoning the HV at some point to try and get some tips or a refferal

Incidentally no-one every baby sat for us - too far away or not inclinded or both - and my kids at 2 often ended up in our bed at some point in the night but they did go down for the evening - giving us a few hours but it was work to get there.

I do think your mother comments are just plain nasty though.

Was he doing any groups/nursery etc pre-lockdown?
Yes he had forest school twice a week, messy play one afternoon, and we spent loads of time in the park or garden. It made no difference to his sleep. Even while we’re stuck at home we’ve been in the garden every day.

You didn’t break their marriage, they let it happen by not sorting your sleep. She’s clumsily telling you you’re doing the same and tbh shes’s got a point. You need to sort out his sleeping or there’s every chance the pattern will be repeated but it’s something you both need to do not you on your own.

Agree with Lordoftheringz. Absolutely no daytime sleep/dozing, and as much time outside and active as possible. Bedtimes are not negotiable for toddlers, and the minute they think they are, they will exploit this for all it's worth.

I'm sorry that your mum said that. It's completely untrue. My XH says our DC1 broke up our marriage. It wasn't DC1 who broke up our marriage: it was DH's behaviour towards him.

Is the husband whinging or telling the truth, they do not have time for each other.

Definitely don't make him nap if he doesn't want to! That's condemning yourself to another late night (ask me how I know). Ride out the ratty phase. Screen time at that point, or a story CD or some fun music and dance around. Or go outside.

A babysitter with good references, whom you meet beforehand, spend some time with all together before leaving your child with them, isn't 'some random', and won't provide worse care just because they're not related to you. We haven't used babysitters ever either, tbh (but have used nurseries), but that comment does make (both of) you sound rather inflexible, and I wonder (gently) whether part of the problem may be repeatedly trying things that can't possibly work because that's how you think things should be done?

Your comment about your dh asking you to have the baby - did you not want a child?

That’s an awful thing to say.

It is not good at all for your child to have that little sleep. You have to get him to sleep at least 10 hours a night. Otherwise he will never cope at school. Put all your energy and money into that. Get a sleep consultant and do exactly what they say

Could you try putting your DS back in a cot?
He’s never slept in a cot. If he was put in a cot he would bash his head repeatedly and make his mouth bleed on the bars and sob. After he chipped his front teeth during one particularly bad tantrum I got rid of the cot.

@Inforthelonghaul

You didn’t break their marriage, they let it happen by not sorting your sleep. She’s clumsily telling you you’re doing the same and tbh shes’s got a point. You need to sort out his sleeping or there’s every chance the pattern will be repeated but it’s something you both need to do not you on your own.

Yep, you said exactly what I wanted to say!

Research a gentle sleep training method, get your DH on board so that you’re a team, and give yourself a week of not backing down - you’ll crack it together and then you can start to get your own time, and some time for your relationship, back.

Two things strike me (forget what you mum said)...

1. You have a child who slept for 7 hours in the night with one wake up and 1 hour nap = 8 hour

2. You describe behaviours that "bring you running" to the child, Climbing, head banging.

I think you need to employ someone to help you sleep train, if you use the right methods you can get to a straight 8 hours, which probably needs to be 9pm - 5am.

I bet you can stretch that to 9 hours if you get him active, and I mean loads of exercise....

You are stuck in a rut at the moment, but could you use your mum to babysit so you and Dh can have a date night?

'Yes he had forest school twice a week, messy play one afternoon, and we spent loads of time in the park or garden. It made no difference to his sleep. Even while we’re stuck at home we’ve been in the garden every day.'

I suspect, then, that either something else is going on (but you don't seem concerned about his development and haven't said anything indicative that there is anything) or he's like my dd - this is just the way he is.

@Molocosh

Could you try putting your DS back in a cot? He’s never slept in a cot. If he was put in a cot he would bash his head repeatedly and make his mouth bleed on the bars and sob. After he chipped his front teeth during one particularly bad tantrum I got rid of the cot.

Are there other ‘issues’ with your DS? (For want of a better word). This sounds very extreme for a baby...

Take your mother out of your marriage. It may solve a lot of issues. A divided house cannot rule etc. She's very unkind.