Mum says I caused her divorce and I’m going to cause my own divorce too

[Molocosh]

My mum has told me I caused her divorce and if I don’t look sharp I’ll end up divorcing my own husband for the same reason.

My son (age 2) doesn’t sleep, never has. He never goes to sleep until at least 10-11pm, sometimes after midnight. We have no child free time without him. Each night one of us takes him to bed at 8pm and has to stay there for hours while the other watches tv downstairs then goes to bed alone. When he wakes up during the night I get in his bed with him and end up falling asleep. My mum often jokes that he’s her revenge on me because I never slept either.

Unsurprisingly we don’t get the chance to cuddle or kiss or have sex, or even make eye contact and talk, because we constantly have a child with us. Apparently he’s been whinging that I don’t have time for him. So my mum has told me that my dad used to say the same thing, and then he divorced her. She said I destroyed their relationship because I didn’t sleep for several years so they had no adult time together.

Needless to say I feel like shit because I’ve been told that I caused my parents’ divorce. And now I’m worried about my own marriage because I thought we were coping the best we can with a crap situation - but he’s obviously unhappy and I don’t see what I can do about it? I have a child glued to me round the clock and I have no choice about that?

@Russell19
I agree. @Molocosh has had some great responses but doesn't appear to want to take them on.

Your dh sounds less than useless. I'd get rid of him honestly. And seek professional help for the wee one. And I know it's hard but stop running

to him when he has tantrums. If he's clawing on you through the day say no, remove him, tell him he can have a cuddle when you've finished X. If he tantrums ignore it.

Molocosh has had some great responses but doesn't appear to want to take them on

I think that's why she need outside help she exhausted and fed up and eveything looks impossible.

I think seeing her GP about her own health would also be warranted.

haven't read the whole thread yet but you have my sympathy OP.
I had a non-sleeper (she's in her 20s now and is just the same) and when this type of thing happened “Mummy oh no, what are you doing to me! Poor DS Name! Mummy come back!” as it did about 20 times a day (I'd go to the toilet, go to get her teddy, turn round to put something down etc etc) eventually i used to look her right in the eye and say "if you are quiet for 2 minutes I'll give you a cuddle".

And it was absolute murder for about a month (were also doing sleep training at night too which was no fun) but eventually i made her see that she had to learn to entertain herself because i needed time and so did her older (fantastic sleeper) sister.

I am not dishonest when i say if she'd been born first i would only have one child.

Your last few posts make a divorce sound pretty good...

I do wonder after reading your posts whether the psychiatrist didn't tell your mother she was a raging narcissist or some other diagnosis and it was her needed help. She sounds like one. You were probably withdrawn because she constantly put you down and blamed you. Have a read at stuff online it might be an eyeopener.
It may even explain your willingness to put up with your DH's behaviour. The one good thing is that you are not making her mistakes and are there emotionally for your child and deeply care about him.

I think that's why she need outside help she exhausted and fed up and eveything looks impossible.

I agree with this.

All she thinks she can do is prevent nightly mayhem by keeping on doing what she has always done.

I agree also that seeing a doctor would be a good idea.

A sleep consultant would be invaluable too.

But she needs to tackle whatever anxiety she is feeling that is causing her to feel such fear of babysitters that Vanessa George is the first image that springs to mind when this is suggested, and also her anxiety about DS feeling emotional discomfort.

@roundturnandtwohalfhitches I disagree that the OP's behaviour wrt her DS equals 'being there' emotionally for him. She and DS have got stuck somewhere along the line. She is not moving him forward into emotional resilience but has understandably become fixated on sleep (and hasn't recognised playing alone in his room at night as a good thing).

Emotional resilience doesn't mean independence in the sense of a cold relationship. Encouraging it doesn't mean you have to turn into a cold, disengaged, unaffectionate parent who ignores a child's needs. It means trusting that DS can learn to rely less on the physical presence of parents and still feel certainty that his parents love him beyond anything else in the world.

she needs to tackle whatever anxiety she is feeling
I absolutely cannot leave DS with a babysitter. Everything in my life turns to shit - it’ll be just my luck that the babysitter will hurt him. I’m nervous about leaving him alone in his room too, in case he strangles himself or something. Not that he’ll play in his room alone - as I said earlier he comes to the gate and starts bashing his head or putting his fingers down his throat etc for attention.

I think that's why she need outside help she exhausted and fed up and eveything looks impossible
I am at the end of my tether. DH and I hate each other and I’m being told by both him and my mum that I’m doing the wrong thing by spending the evening with DS. As if I want to! So I say to DH ok you fix it clever clogs, and he takes DS to bed with exactly the same result. So he can’t make him sleep but it’s my fault because I can’t? The last straw is my mum blaming me for her divorce and telling me I’m a nasty person and my husband is going to leave me. Although I think that says more about her than me.

What is clear is that DS needs to go to bed by himself. Even the HV has shrugged her shoulders and said I don’t know what to say, you’re doing everything we recommend and it isn’t working. So I think I’ll have to call the GP and see if they can explore any further.

OP, I really feel for you. Please do take up some of the suggestions on this thread, especially the resources that can help you. Its utterly exhausting being in your situation.

TLDR

Buy some phenergen elixir from the chemist.

I always liked Elizabeth Pantley’s approach and she is still around. Sensible and gentle.

www.nocrysolution.com/books/the-no-cry-sleep-for-toddlers/eight-sleep-tips/

You need to completely go for it for a month.

You really do have my sympathy, @Molocosh, and I can understand why you think the world is conspiring against you.

You certainly don't need your H and your delightful mother kicking you when you are down.

I really urge you to tackle the sleep situation first, and to try hard to overcome any anxiety you have about involving a third party in your lives. Please consider hiring a sleep consultant. Please follow the consultant's advice to the letter, getting over your protective instincts and letting DS sob if that is what it takes.

Quite honestly (and sorry to be blunt here) you could not possibly be following competent advice on bedtimes if the result is as described.

As a way of dealing with your anxiety about DS hurting himself, I urge you to take a good hard look at DS's room and remove anything there that could conceivably hurt him or that he could use to hurt himself. If this means taking everything out of his room bar soft toys and a mattress on the floor, then do that.

You should consider padding the stair gate if he uses it to hurt himself.

He needs a consequence for attempts to manipulate you by hurting himself. A stern reprimand at 2 is perfectly appropriate. It will not cause him damage.

An exhausted and resentful pair of parents in a home atmosphere that is tense and angry will. The sleeping issue and your anxieties about DS must be tackled.

You can decide afterwards if the relationship between you and H can be salvaged. Marriage counseling might be a good idea.

Do you have a baby monitor? That way you can watch him and know he's not strangling himself etc. I would ignore the fingers down the throat etc.

I'm not anxious in general op but I probably wouldn't leave my dc with a babysitter unless I knew them well. So I don't think that's particularly over the top. My dc's childcare workers at childcare used to babysit (they babysat kids regularly from the centre). I trusted them because they were with him everyday. Cost me $100 a month but it was worth it.

This can be a “soft” marker for wider developmental issues (ADHD, autism) but most children who do this will be neurotypical. If there are no other wider developmental concerns I wouldn’t pursue further assessments.

Personally I’d recommend checking iron studies, Vitamin D and replacing any deficiencies and then a trial of melatonin.

OP this isn't something a HV can deal with. This isn't 'usual' sleep issues that can be fixed with routine and blackout blinds (you have clearly tried this!)
I'm wondering if he has trouble producing melatonin.

You really do need to contact your GP.

Also the lack of sleep will have such an impact on his development and behaviour.

It needs to be looked at for so many reasons.

@wowbutter

TLDR

Buy some phenergen elixir from the chemist.

In some kids this has a reverse effect...so use it with caution.

Phenergan and Piriton changed a few years ago and the under 6 version no longer has a drowsy effect anyway.

@Molocosh please please see my link upthread to the app babysleepdoc from the Evelina children’s hospital.

It will help you make a detailed sleep diary to take with you to GP. Don’t go without this because the GP won’t have a good reason to refer you to a sleep specialist otherwise. Go with that and they can see the problem instantly!

If you get referred you will still have to do a diary before anyone will help you. Do it now

This is the best practical thing you can do!

You need a referral to a sleep clinic or CAMHS.

In the longer run you may want melatonin. We have this for DS after a long battle to get it. It enabled sleep in a way impossible before. My DS was exactly as yo describe. He still finds sleep difficult at 14 ! It’s part of his ADHD that he doesn’t make enough melatonin of his own to fall asleep (melatonin is the hormone that builds up during the day and when there’s enough it tells your brain to sleep- if you don’t make enough your body clock doesn’t function)

Do you have a video monitor? It seems like a lot of the issues stem from your anxiety, just with you saying you won't leave him with anyone and you don't like leaving him alone in his room. If you have a video monitor with two way audio it might make you feel much more at ease.

Would you consider maybe speaking to your GP about yourself? You just sound so fried with everything

OP I’m so sorry your DH is being pretty horrible. And your mum too (you may like to check out the stately homes threads)

You sound so down and like there’s a lot more going on than “just” his sleep - I totally relate to why it’s so overwhelming. 💐

Keeping a sleep diary is excellent advice even if you’ve had to do it in the past.