Mum says I caused her divorce and I’m going to cause my own divorce too

[Molocosh]

My mum has told me I caused her divorce and if I don’t look sharp I’ll end up divorcing my own husband for the same reason.

My son (age 2) doesn’t sleep, never has. He never goes to sleep until at least 10-11pm, sometimes after midnight. We have no child free time without him. Each night one of us takes him to bed at 8pm and has to stay there for hours while the other watches tv downstairs then goes to bed alone. When he wakes up during the night I get in his bed with him and end up falling asleep. My mum often jokes that he’s her revenge on me because I never slept either.

Unsurprisingly we don’t get the chance to cuddle or kiss or have sex, or even make eye contact and talk, because we constantly have a child with us. Apparently he’s been whinging that I don’t have time for him. So my mum has told me that my dad used to say the same thing, and then he divorced her. She said I destroyed their relationship because I didn’t sleep for several years so they had no adult time together.

Needless to say I feel like shit because I’ve been told that I caused my parents’ divorce. And now I’m worried about my own marriage because I thought we were coping the best we can with a crap situation - but he’s obviously unhappy and I don’t see what I can do about it? I have a child glued to me round the clock and I have no choice about that?

Stubbornness is indeed underrated :)

OP, I've reported your last post as you've included your ds' name - MNHQ can edit it for you if you want.

That sounds really difficult and your husband shouldn't be putting it all at your door. He should be working with you to find a solution.

It might seem a strange suggestion but have you tried an earlier bed time? If he is getting tired at 3pm it would suggest he is really over tired by the time bed time comes around.

Make a routine if it, Johnson Baby Bath, a book in bed then sleep.

Every time he gets out of the bed uou put him back in, no talking, no devation. Just pick him up and put him back.

You and your husband can do a night each until he gets the picture that bed time happens.

He pottered around doing roly polys and playing with whatever he could get his hands on until 12

Well OP you don't ALLOW him to "potter around" playing with toys!
You turn the light off, stand there and repeatedly put him back in bed.

I had to do exactly that with one of mine.

You need to speak to your GP and/or health visitor
We saw the HV just a few months ago. She shrugged and said you’re following all our sleep advice and it isn’t working, I have nothing else to suggest. There’s nothing wrong with him - he just doesn’t sleep.

Empty his room of everything except his bed. Do a bath and a story downstairs. I'd start this at 7. After this, take him to bed, tuck him in and leave the room. Stand outside out of sight. If you hear him get out of bed, and you think it's to do something dangerous, enter the room, say bedtime now and put him back in bed.

Repeat as many times as necessary but stay silent. Don't talk. Dont look at him.

It'll take hours, but what you do now takes hours. Tomorrow it will take a little less time. Each night this will take less and less time.

This the best adivce it's what The Nanny on the show does, Jo I think it is. It works really well, it's the no talking staying silent and being very consitant that works. I would add, that at 2 you tell him no more messing about, it's bed and sleep time. Two year olds know whats happening and know what they are doing. Having you as his audience keeps him up.

What you're Mum said was tactless, you din't cause her divorce, her and you Dads inability to solve their problem did. You can fix this and get your marriage back on track.

Ignore your mum, she's not helping the situation.

Having said that, you do need to do something. Could you afford a sleep consultant? Make sure you get one that comes highly recommended. It sounds like it would be money well spent! Good luck, it really does sounds hellish

Your mum is being spiteful and ridiculous, you were a baby, she was the parent, it was your parent’s job to bring you up.

Have you tried everything to get your child into a routine? If you have look at other problems. Your 2 year old may not be Nero typical, they could have ADHD or she may be on the ASAD.

So your husband has been complaining to your mum?

Wow!

And also does nothing to help the situation?

Maybe you've married someone as selfish/unhelpful as your father!

I'd be really worried if it was my son though-screaming, banging his head-sounds terrible for everyone.

Your mum is right. You and DH need to sleeptrain your DS for his sake and yours. Is he just 2 or nearly 3? Does he get enough fresh air and exercise? Have you tried all the usual techniques like having a good wind-down routine before bed, rapid return to bed every time he gets up (no eye contact, no talking other than "it's bedtime")? I agree with those who say he needs more nap time during the day - straight after lunch might work well. If you wait until later/until he is noticeably tired, it will interfere with bedtime.

By the way, I know a couple in a very similar situation to what you describe... except that their son is 6 and they are still doing the 4-hour bedtime drama every night, because they always have and don't know how to stop. They haven't had any more children and fight all the time, including in front of the kid (not much choice as he is ALWAYS with them). None of them seem happy.

If your mum can't babysit and wants to help maybe she can pay for a sleep coach...? At 2, it shouldn't take more than a few nights to establish a better pattern.

I think your Mum was out of order here .However DC not sleeping and the fallout from that, does test the best of marriages sadly. DS sounds hyper but also tired if he is sleeping after B/F! I would take him out with you for a walk, or let him "help" you with your chores .After Lockdown see if there are any Mother /Baby groups or nursery groups in your area .He sounds like he needs stimulation!

Your Mum can't blame your not sleeping as a baby
as if there was nothing she could do about it, for causing her divorce then say it is your choices that make ds not sleep. Either it's possible to get the baby to sleep and she was at fault for not doing so, or it's not possible and just one of those things. Personally I would say it's a very hard situation and you need the help and support of your Dr and Hv to get him to sleep better. The Dad must take his share of responsibility too, not put it all on you because DS is very attached to you.

Imagine if she'd told you this after you going through a divorce?
Yes she's blunt but she's giving you the heads up.
If your son is not sleeping and it's affecting the whole family then now is the time to get it sorted.
Contact your local health visiting team for some advice for your son and arrange for a paid babysitter every week too.

I had very poor sleepers (one of whom is autistic so that adds a whole other dimension) we are still happily married a decade later. Your Mum sounds unkind and that would have been far more of a factor in her divorce than one crying baby. You however sound very kind and hard working.

Does he eat well?
Does he get plenty of sunlight on his body in the morning and plenty of dim in the evening?
What happens if you don’t put him to bed?

Sorry about the sleep situation with your son. It must be so hard for you all. Posters have given some good advice for that.i really hope it improves soon. If it continues despite trying different methods it might be worth looking into a safe sleeping space pod. You can get one that looks like a tent that he can wake up in and play in but stay safe so you don’t have to be with him.

As for your mum- I cant believe that she would put the blame for her divorce on to your!! At the least it was thoughtless and at the worse purposely unkind. Does she often say things like that to you?
I’d be tempted to tell her you were upset by what she said and then tell her that you have now realised that children are never at fault for their parents divorce and that your sorry that, as an adult, she is unable to take responsibility for her own relationship.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz has excellent advice. Whether or not he has additional needs, it's worth trying to see if it works. It's what I did with my child when he wouldn't sleep (he is autistic)

Had your mum offered to help by looking after him while you and your husband have quality time (obviously outside of lockdown )?

My heart goes out to you, my DD was a terrible sleeper. I'm still a bit traumatised by it all and she's 18 this year.

I put in an iron-tight bedtime ritual - bath with lavender, warm milk, banana if hungry, no screens, bedtime story or two, blackout blinds, monster scaring horn, night light and talking book. We got there in the end (although she often needed me to sleep in her room until nearly 12 years old) and now at nearly 18 still uses audible books to help her sleep.

Good Luck.

What a ridiculous thing to say to you.

I have a toddler with the same kind of issues but we aren't going to divorce over it. We will work together to overcome it as I'm sure you and your husband will do in time.

I am sure if you said to your dad 'did you divorce mum because I didn't go to bed early at night', he wouldn't have a clue what you were on about!

As others have said what your mum said was awful. And if current situation works then that would be fine. But it sounds like you and dh are struggling.

You both need to find a way of moving past this. It is hard and he may be upset but going to sleep is a skill your child needs and his parents need the break. A few tough nights/weeks setting a new routine of back to bed anytime he gets out with no other interaction and he will get it.

That's an awful thing for your mum to say. You did NOT cause the divorce. They chose to have a baby, babies are difficult and can put a strain on any relationship! But a decent, strong relationship will get through it - the lack of sleep doesn't last forever, even if it feels like it at the time.

Do you want to try and make changes to sleep patterns, or would you rather wait till it naturally resolves itself? Honestly, it's completely your choice. If you do want to make drastic changes, there are tonnes of books/sleep consultants with suggestions, or you could ask for opinions on the sleep board here (I found it very helpful when going through our dark ages with DD - we had a time when she was frequently up past midnight if she had a nap, but if she didn't have a nap she'd be overtired and would go to bed at a good time but then wake every 2 hours all night!!!). Maybe you could tackle the night wakings - I still go in to see my DD if she wakes (she's 3 now, but sometimes has nightmares), but I don't stay until she's asleep. There are TONNES of strategies for these things, I doubt there's one that works for all kids, but you try different things until you find something that works for yours.

It doesn't seem to make sense to be trying to put him to bed at 8pm if you KNOW he's not going to sleep till 10pm. That sounds like 2 horribly miserable hours for no reason! It sounds like a lonely situation for both you and DH. Presumably time with the 3 of you together would be better for your relationship that enforced time apart for an overlong bedtime routine?

It's up to you if you want to invest some time in your relationship with DH. A total lack of intimacy will be be tough on both of you - you presumably are worn out, and your DH feels a low priority. At the moment, you're a bit stuck because of lockdown. But you could give your DH some hope of better times - plan some outings for just the two of you. If your DS goes to sleep really late, that actually gives you an opportunity to go out for dinner and still be home in time for bedtime if you want. Or go out for lunch if that's easier. Call in favours for childcare or hire a professional, but don't NEVER have time with the two of you alone, or one day you'll look back and wonder where the romance went. How often you do that sort of thing depends on your relationship/needs. DH and I certainly aren't the "weekly date" type, but we're the homebody type and like to do stuff with DD around most of the time.

Sleep will eventually get better, and your DS will get more independent. But it might take a while, so you do need to take your/DHs needs into account sometimes.

Some good advice here.

I'd also try routine in the day, up at the same time, breakfast, out to the park/for a walk, nap, lunch, power through to bedtime, routine starting at 6-6.30.

I'd also remove everything from his room, certainly toys, tie the wardrobe handles shut etc.

That sounds really tough. It’s not fair of your mum to blame you I don’t think.

FWIW our toddler has a really awful sleep routine too, and no babysitters really. But it’s not a given that it causes divorce. We just have to take our chances for a chat/cuddle/sex when we can, and maintaining closeness in appropriate ways is vital - cuddling up on the sofa, holding hands when walking, talking in snatched moments when the kids are involved in something else, playing games and quizzes even if they’re awake (eg a weekly YouTube quiz). I’d still prefer a lot more sex :o but the relationship is still there. A toddler isn’t a reason not to make eye contact and chat, you can still do those things.

Could things be rearranged so that while one does the bedtime bit, the other does the housework instead of watching Tv? That would free up time elsewhere in the day. I’ve been using the evenings (when I’m a bit more with it) to get stuff done while having a break from the toddler so we can have more time together during the day. Or if tiredness is an issue the other could catch up on sleep then - and maybe then once toddler is finally asleep you’ll have more energy for fun together.

It isn’t on for your mum to blame you for both her marriage and yours - that doesn’t even make sense. If she’s saying you can fix DS’ sleep then she’s admitting she could and should have fixed yours and therefore it’s her (and your dad’s) fault.

DH needs to help fix it too - you’re both his parents so unless you’re being really indulgent and stopping him implementing a better routine, it’s both your responsibility and it’s not fair if he’s expecting you to fix all the parenting struggles and be more available for sex (sorry if I’ve got the wrong idea there).

I think lockdown is making my toddler’s sleep worse again FWIW, in January I was sobbing on a health visitor about everything but a new routine was fixing it and she was sleeping earlier, then we lost the routine because we can’t do those things at the moment and it’s definitely worse again. Outside time helps though.

Even before Covid we didn’t hire a babysitter because we don’t like the idea of leaving our child alone with some random.

So don't get a random, get someone who has a DBS and a childcare qualification.

You don't HAVE to go out, one day a week (post covid) get a babysitter, do bath and story together and then leave babysitter with your ds and spend some time with you dh.

Obviously explain to the baby sitter what you want them to do and that you will still be in the house.

I don't mean go to bed, I mean have a meal or a take away, binge Netflix or play scrabble, just something for the two of you.

His extreme behaviour is a bit of a flag, OP. This combined with the lack of sleep would make me consider a referral to paediatrics, who can then refer your son onto the sleep medicine clinic. The head-banging and extreme reactions make me think 'stress'. Sleep training, in my humble view, will throw oil on the fire. Sleep training will exacerbate stress and anxiety in and already stressed and anxious child. I think you should consider a referral to paediatrics for more input.
Without boring you, I've been there and believe me, DH and I came incredibly close to divorcing. Cruel as your mother's words are, it is true that a sleepless child puts an insane amount of stress on a household.