How do I accept that my DC just isn’t as clever as a lot of her peers?

[mommathatwearspink]

I’ve never really thought about it until now to be honest. DC (Y1) is likely to go back to school next week and the class has been split into groups obviously based on ability. It’s also obvious that my DC group is for children that struggle more than others. I also know that she isn’t quite as advanced as her peers from parents evening, etc.
I feel totally crushed! How do you come to accept that your child just isn’t as clever as some of their peers?

She isn't at the proper able to sit down and fully concentrate and focus age yet (many European countries they don't start school until gone 6) so I don't think you need to worry just yet

My little boy is exactly the same. He is Y1 too. Definitely behind on the reading and writing particularly.

I struggle too. I desperately want to 'help' him do better and I am not sure what drives those feelings.

I know he might "take off" later as he matures but also, may just be as likely to remain the bottom of his cohort academically.

I focus on what he is amazing at and praise him for those things. But I haven't got it sussed. Looking forward to see if anyone else has advice.

As pp said, you don't know yet because she's still so young.

But not everyone can be top of the class so there's every chance she won't be amazingly academic, you just realise that it doesn't matter. You value her for who she is, not what she's good at. You celebrate what she can do well and help her with the stuff she can't. You just accept that she is who she is.

No-one is good at everything. Everyone is good at something.

My DS was v slow to read. Poor lad I was convinced he wasn't that academic - luckily for him I didn't nag him about homework like I did his apparently brighter DB, needless to say he has done fine, degree, masters, good job.

It was in Year 1 that I got a tutor for DS for a while. Half an hour a week and his confidence soared. He just needed a boost and a bit of one to one work.
I feel like others may have thought it was a bit much but I didn't tell anyone. His teacher knew and seemed to welcome it.

You respect who she is.

Y1 is way too early to know how she will do academically, she’s just starting out and lots of children make developmental leaps at different stages.

My DC1 was slow learning to read by Y2 but exceeding expected standards by Y6.

Gosh you can’t tell in year one, it’s too young, kids develop at all different ages op. Please don’t write your child off as not being clever at this age.

My ds was right at the bottom in Y1.
Now, years later, he’s in top sets.
Help your dd with literacy and maths, make sure she has a good attitude to work, and she might end up much higher up the class.

Honestly OP shes what 6?

Really a childs position in the class means nothing at that age.
I was bottom table in Y1, got best A level results in school. In really means fuck all.

Shes so little, just focus on things she is good at and enjoys. Keep doing all the usual things -reading books, talking with her. At the end of the day academic achievement means very little in the big scheme of things, she will find her thing

As Sparkling said, tutoring really helped my DC1’s confidence but we did it later.

Honestly it really isn’t anything to worry about. The girl considered a dunce in my primarily went on to get all As at GCSEs and Alevels. A close friend of mine was bottom of maths in secondary school- now a finance manager at the Financial Times.

I think it's really alarming that you've already pigeonholed her as being not as clever as her peers. She's still so young! Give the poor kid a break and some time to mature and develop.

@Fightthebear

As Sparkling said, tutoring really helped my DC1’s confidence but we did it later.

I think I may have been a bit previous but I was impatient. He was in a class of 15 with a teacher and a TA and the teacher said she didn't have time to help those not keeping up. She suggested we (DH & I) tried to help him at home but that just caused tears.

If you practise maths and literacy in small bursts daily in a fun way it makes a huge difference! Then once a child has confidence, they tend to fly. So work on building up confidence and understanding etc. I like Reading Eggs, for example. In many Asian countries, maths is practised daily in small chunks like reading and that also makes a huge difference. Handwriting is much less of an issue at this age as some children just do not have the skills yet so better to focus on more fun fine motor skills like threading/hama beads etc.

She can change a lot in her life. And "clever" isn't all its cracked up to be. There are many people who didn't succeed at school who have succeeded in life. Celebrate who she is, every year. She is unique, whatever she turns out to be.

One of my kids is not the brightest spark - he has had additional support, been assessed for a number of things, no diagnosis, just always a bit behind.

You know what? Since lockdown he has done all his homework, every day at home without being asked. One sunny day I told him to take a day off and he said no. His work ethic is bloody amazing and would put to shame plenty of those kids who find Schoolwork easy. I bet your daughter has a few things going for her that make her special.

Agree with everyone else that you accept her for who she is.

That might be someone who isnt academically gifted and thats ok.

She might be brilliant at music, she might be incredibly artistic, she might be excellent with people and have a gift for counselling others, she might be great at sports, she might have a natural gift for computing or programming, she might have excellent management skills or start her own business. Her potential and possibilities are endless and you shouldn't feel that just because the road to academia is hard for her that every other avenue has been closed off too.

I know several people who did appallingly at school (one of whom is my H) and are now incredibly successful. My H left school at age 12 (not in UK), not academic at all. He now has his own successful business and employs others. He has hundreds of reviews for his business and they are all 5 star. This was a man who left formal education at age 12!

Please dont allow yourself to limit her potential just because she isnt on the same level as her peers. Remember this story of Thomas Edison- school isnt a predictor of later life success.

Everybody is brilliant at something; discover her thing & be proud.

Enjoy her don’t compare her to others!

She's still so little, where she supposedly ranks in the class academically is totally irrelevant and will be for ages yet. Please don't ever let her think for one moment that you are worried and disappointed at her ability. If you want to help then read with her and give lots of encouragement and positive feedback all of the time. Encourage her to have an open mind and ask questions, but mainly just let her be a little girl and fuck what the Oxford reading tree says she should be doing.

Year 1 is really way too young to making judgements about whether your DC is academic or not. They may be currently below where their peers are, but this could be due to loads of things (eg interest, ability to focus, language skills, how old they are compared to their peers etc). My dd1 was in all the bottom sets in Y1. She was young for the year and just not
remotely interested. She's now in year 11 and is on target to get fantastic GCSE results. She started to catch up in around year 4.

One, your daughter is so young. Two, even if she is below average, she's in good company with 50% of the population. If not academic, she will have talents and passions you can nurture. She will also probably develop a good work ethic as pp said above. Anyway, none of it really matters in the end. She's your daughter and your wonderful girl, whether top or bottom of the class.

She’s very young and things might change, but if they don’t that’s OK.

What I want for my children is for them to be content with their lives as adults, to find a way to live happily. One of my DC is ‘brighter’ than the other but prone to anxiety and perfectionism.

I would like to give you a slightly different example OP. I have a DC who was really academic since age 4, taught herself all the timetables age 5 and reading classical literature age 6. But guess what - she was really clumsy, physically speaking. She would trip etc. all the time. Could not do any gymnastics whatsoever, catch balls etc but we persisted with sports and lots of practice and age 12 she is really quite sporty now. Still v academic too, naturally so, but she became sporty through exposure and lots of practice and I am more proud of that than her natural academic ability. She won't make any A teams but she is very active and loves sport, that is what is important. So if you practise and stay positive, it will make a big difference.

I don't understand why you're crushed really.
my child's the same age.
it's clear when i see some other children's writing that they're better at it than here. perhaps with maths too i'm not sure. there are certainly some others who are better at reading. but i don't know what all the class are like as a whole.
to me, it sounds more like you're comparing her to her friends and you don't like the fact that she's struggling compared to them - as opposed to that she's not where she should be.
because you haven't mentioned that she's behind where she should be so i'm guessing teacher doesn't have any concerns and it's just you looking at other people.
i don't feel crushed and i know looking at twitter pictures etc some of her friends (perhaps all) have better writing than her.
I can't help thinking you need to look at what's important here

My 15yo struggles. You can only ask they try their best.

Keeping skills up over summer holidays every year can make a difference, but ultimately if she turns out to have a GCSE grade 4 cognitive ability you are unlikely to get her to achieve grade 7s.

Watch out for self esteem issues. Praise effort. And see what happens.