How do I accept that my DC just isn’t as clever as a lot of her peers?

[mommathatwearspink]

I’ve never really thought about it until now to be honest. DC (Y1) is likely to go back to school next week and the class has been split into groups obviously based on ability. It’s also obvious that my DC group is for children that struggle more than others. I also know that she isn’t quite as advanced as her peers from parents evening, etc.
I feel totally crushed! How do you come to accept that your child just isn’t as clever as some of their peers?

1. Why’s it so important to you that she’s ‘clever’? It doesn’t matter, and it’s not your job to judge her or her job to fulfil your hopes and expectations for the things she will be good at.

2. Academic aptitude or even intelligence do not determine later success. Emotional intelligence, confidence, and ability to work with others are much stronger predictors. So if you’re concerned about her future on account of her year 1 school work, you shouldn’t be. Better to encourage effort and nurture her confidence by accepting and embracing who is is, whoever that is.

3. Y1 is too young to determine how academic someone will be anyway.

She might just take a while to get going with school- some settle in to the work easier than others etc.

She might have other gifts and qualities- I was crap at maths and art etc but good in other subjects and did well at uni.

Being academic isn't everything of course- I was and got a good degree but failed at life and have never been able to work due to severe mental health disabilities/issues.

You could keep an eye on her just in case she has some learning disabilities- I had ADHD and autistic traits and wasn't diagnosed until I was 41.

Foster her other skills such as social skills and emotional resilience. These can take people a long way in their outcomes, career etc, and also make for a much happier life.

The last one was meant to be 3)

Dd1 is super academic, dtds are creative and funny but not high ability. They’re all happy and finding their strengths and I actually think dd2’s ability to read other people’s emotions and command a room will mean she’ll find success in whatever she chooses to do. Intelligence isn’t everything (although I was brought up to see a B grade as failure and despite getting 11As at GCSEs they weren’t A* so not great results!). I’m not putting that pressure on my dc - being them is enough.

@IntheHeartofTransylvania said it better than i did

Why’s it so important to you that she’s ‘clever’?

@IntheHeartofTransylvania I imagine every parent wants their child to be the best or one of the best, whether they admit it or not. My parents were probably gutted that I wasn't a genius. But you're right, other things are more or equally important.

Praise effort. And see what happens

Best thing my parents did for me I think - though I suspect they did it becuase there was little else to praise during primary but it kept me plodding along.

Doing little and often with our kids has taught them if they practise and keep working they'll improve - there could well be an element of luck in that I suppose - but overall they do have a good worth ethic and don't shy away from extra school work.

One of my very good friends was 'bottom of the class' all throughout school. He sold his company a few years ago for over 100 million. The world needs everybody, being top of the class in school is highly overrated.

One of mine was similar to your dd. By yr6 she was in top 5% on SATs, currently heading for 8s and 9s. More importantly don't measure your esteem in how well your child is doing academically. Give her support, work on reading, arithmetic, writing. Look out for specific learning difficulties. Be her advocate.

I have this problem too. I cannot get over it. My dc is year 2 and I've put so much effort into their learning. Me and dh very intelligent and I wasn't expecting it.

Homeschooling for us had been the best because she's got intensive learning going on through me and I'm actually dreading her going back to school for me to hear, she can't sit still, she doesn't work enough, she could do better.

My dh reassured me he didn't do much until late senior school. Then he whizzed through his gcse and went onto top a levels in maths and science then did mathematical sciences at uni. His mother has confirmed this. He was also the youngest in his class.
But I'm still not reassured

She is so little. Maybe she is a little chatter box or easily distracted. I was in all the lowest sets (horrible because even at the young age I sort of had an awareness of it) anyway I now have a BA and MSc so its not all bad. Just persevered even though I was 'naturally ' clever.

My ds struggled all the way through school. He was always at the bottom of everything class and subject, from reception onwards and he found it tough seeing others learning so easily and everyone beating him in sports. However he was not behind enough to enable him to have extra help either so seemed to be stuck in a no mans land.

That's why we stepped in - it was making them turn away and not bother and say it wasn't for them - they loved books but started saying that reading wasn't for them.

However they weren't getting extra help - even when a few teachers requested it as they weren't "bad enough" ie they were others worse and they might get help later - which did happen for one child though we'd started helping at home a while before.

OP, my ds was on all the top tables at that age despite being the youngest in the year.

He had lots of MH issues and went off the rails as a teen, flunked his A levels and has ended up in a fairly dead end job.

Meanwhile my friend's little girl who at the age of 6 was on the "needs help/struggling" tables for maths and literacy has just completed her degree and is starting a Masters in September.

Just encourage her enjoyment of learning .

Don’t worry, not everyone can be top, we all have different talents. In the scheme of life look around and you see many people in top jobs who aren’t the most academic, so many different skills and strengths come into play as children develop, just concentrate on building her confidence and work ethic.

Invest some time in fun learning one to one with her, build her confidence help her learn to persist help her learn to try help her learn delayed gratification of learning something by sticking at it. It will pay off big time, whatever her intellectual ability. And keep a watchful eye for signs of SEN or learning difficulties. My dd has soared after diagnosis of a visual perceptual problem.

It's Y1! Really not time enough to brand one's child as 'not too smart'!

By the by. It's not a linear thing. Children dip, rise, plateau and learn in different ways and different rates. I think I'm an example of this. I struggled in primary school (I went to a French school) and it got so bad that I repeated a year. I think I was 8 or 9 at the time. Fast forward, and i got straight As in all my GCSE s and A levels. Followed by a 1st in Philosophy at a Russell Group uni. Am no high flyer, by the way. So not boasting. But don't pigeon hole her just yet!

At year 1 its way too early to say that!

My eldest was bottom though out most of Primary school and suddenly bloomed in year 5 and 6 and was in the top set for science in secondary school.

You just can't tell

My dd can't do many things her peers can, she is disabled. I would say that you just have to be there to support your child no matter, knowing that you've given them everything they need to succeed however that may be.

I wouldn’t worry in year 1 but by year 3 if it’s the same I’d get her a tutor to help. She might not be the brightest in the class but there’s also nothing wrong with getting a tutor to help her

Academic ability is not always a measure of future life "success".

There are other attributes which have a huge impact.
An individual who is academic but unmotivated or has low self esteem or struggles in a team will not do so well as someone who is a hard worker, adaptable and is a self starter.

I have two ( now young adult ) kids.
One is super smart- possibly the cleverest person I know.
The other is average academically, needed additional learning support in primary school.

I will leave you to guess which one is rocketing skywards.

momma, your daughter is very young for you to be worried. Kids are all different at her age.

My DN is year 1 and is in the top set because he has learned his letters / numbers / multiplication tables, but even his teacher has said he won’t be in it for long as he can’t talk / communicate properly. These sets are just to gadge initial ability and kids will be moved across as their abilities develop / dissolve!

The sad thing is, OP isn’t alone in her worry. There is so much pressure on children and the expectation seems so high, that’s is no wonder us parents are set in to a panic if they don’t tick all the boxes.

I find the whole thing tragic. People can’t enjoy they’d child for being worried about the levels they’ve not reached.

OP I’m sure your DC will do just fine but it is so worrying for the poor parents

You really shouldn't worry at this age. My DD was at the bottom of her class throughout the whole of primary school, slowly starting to catch up in secondary. Now she's in Cambridge. Children develop at different points and you definitely shouldn't give up on her. Try using interactive learning apps, they made a massive difference in my case.