How do I accept that my DC just isn’t as clever as a lot of her peers?

[mommathatwearspink]

I’ve never really thought about it until now to be honest. DC (Y1) is likely to go back to school next week and the class has been split into groups obviously based on ability. It’s also obvious that my DC group is for children that struggle more than others. I also know that she isn’t quite as advanced as her peers from parents evening, etc.
I feel totally crushed! How do you come to accept that your child just isn’t as clever as some of their peers?

My DD has always been top of her cleats academically. In Primary school she was house captain and full of beans, pride of the school. Then high school hit and with it cam anxiety. She’s Year 7, still top set and as bright as a button but in tears daily with anxiety About all the other issues high school and puberty brings. So, just to say really, with my hindsight, academia means nothing if they’re not happy, settled and secure in them selves. I’m not sure where my DDs anxiety came from but now all her academic progress means nothing to any of us....we just want her to be happy. I don’t care what she achieves in school, I just want her to smile and sing again. Cuddle your little one and let her be happy, the rest will come xx

Don’t worry about it. Many years left for things to even out but even then if he’s not academic don’t worry about it.

There’s all different sorts of intelligence.

The main thing I worry about these days for children is lack of communication skills where they don’t hang out or play out and sit on devices these day and because of the lack of contact no problem solving skills or resilience etc

I am focusing on them rather than schoolwork

Please get a grip. You can be clever in many different ways. She is year 1, children develop at different rates. By all means help her to find what she likes but please don’t make assumptions about her so early.

Really don't get into this frame of mind. Too young to be labelled. Keep an eye on homework. Many times at this age they don't feel very inclined to concentrate on things for too long. Read with her and get her to read to you. Make it pleasurable. Parental involvement makes a massive difference. Studying can be lots of fun specially in primary school.

I can understand your worry, but, quite honestly, nothing is set in stone at her age. I feel we're in too much of a hurry to drag them I to school early- I mean, four - FOUR! They were babies five minutes before that!
It's so very young. So much will change for your little girl as she starts to grasp the basics. My granddaughter has "global delay" and at age seven is working at the level of Reception age children, around three years behind where she ought to be. The school has put some good interventions in place that have improved her ability to participate in school. In addition, my daughter and her partner work tirelessly with her at home with reading, number work and science based learning. I feel that she is making slow but measurable progress as a result. She can now read fairly fluently, loves doing sums and counting activities and has really enjoyed doing science experiments, like making slime.
My feeling is that she will gradually do everything, although always 2 to 3 years behind in terms of expectations according to the levels/criteria.
The key is to read with her a lot, play counting games, sing counting or spelling songs, do cooking, art and science. You will give yourself a lot of pleasure, too, just by helping her at home.

OP, I have a clever kid, and a not so clever one. I have struggled with it. But actually I now realise that clever is only about a quarter of the battle. It gives a head start, nothing more. The things that matter, IMO, are hard work, an enquiring mind, passion for something (anything, really) and empathy for others. She may just have to posh herself a bit harder to get there, but it will stand her in excellent stead later on.

At 6/7 I was on the table for children who struggled. Gradually improved through primary school and really took off in secondary school. Left sixth form with straight As in science subjects. One of my siblings on the other hand definitely peaked in primary school and it was all downhill in secondary.

PUSH herself, ffs!

Find something DC is good at. We foster a SN child who struggles with school work but he is a fantastic leg spin bowler who at 13 can bowl a leg break and a Googlie, so make the ball spin both ways. This usually only happens late teens.

Tbh at that age not everything is determined. Plus there's not really something I can say without sounding cruel but I mean this in the most genuine and purest way. Love your child for who they are ❤️

Stop worrying and encourage her to do things that will enrich her life /education that are age appropriate. Stop worrying about what you wanted your child to be, & start loving her for what she is.
I say this as a clever person who's child has adhd and had to let go of the expectations of what I wanted my child to be and grieve it.

For your own mental health and that of your daughter please stop comparing her intellect with peers. Nurture what she has and perhaps look at your own experience. Maybe you are projecting a bit from your own childhood? If she has an SEN need accept it. It’s not something to be crushed by. Comparison will rob you of all joy and leaver her feeling inadequate and boxes in by your labelling of her. Good luck

Dont worry, my sons mates were cleverer than him in an academic sense. He had a great work ethic, pulled off fantastic BTEC grades whilst his A/B grade mates floundered at A level.

He went on to get a great job, currently the best out of all if them.

Promote work ethic, self esteem, doing their best and following their passion.

You have it all wrong... She is in a group that will be given extra help, what is the point of being in a higher group when she is not at that level! It is your pride showing, now use your brain, DC can catch up!

My son is 6 and autistic and hes really clever at something's and struggles at other things but he will catch up as he gets older. Dont be crushed OP your daughter will probably excel at other things. My daughter is 5 suspected autism and again brilliant at something's but struggles at other things. Kids learn at there own pace. Your daughter will pick it up eventually and she might surprise you

My DS2 has some learning difficulties due to a brain injury, he isn't quite as clever as his friends ( but not massively behind), we just focus on his strengths. He might not be able to answer a maths questions but he's your man when you want to know the population of a capital city ( he's a Geography nut!)

It doesn't help that his older brother is very academic, thankfully there's a fairly big age gap between them so they shouldn't be compared

Attitude is everything here. With 10 years of schooling ahead, make sure she has a good experience of school and is keen to go back next year and keep learning! Learning is for life, and hopefully it should be fun too. She may not be an academic high flier, but if she's committed to learning and working hard at the right level for her, she'll keep moving forward every year she's in school - and hopefully take that out into the wider world afterwards.
Try not to judge her, even if reports say 'below expectation' at the moment....no-one "isn't clever enough to learn", but there are lots of people who give up. Praise what she achieves and keep her fired up about going back for more & she'll be set up well for life.xxx

@mommathatwearspink with the right support/resources (i.e: tuition, high parental expectations ...etc) there is no reason why she can't be academic.

My mum was a sixth form teacher. She always liked getting Chinese students in her class, because they generally got very good grades and worked incredibly hard.

This isn't because Chinese people are inherently any more clever or hardworking naturally than any other kind of people, it's because they culturally value education, and understand that any child, short of having impairments of their brain, can be turned into a straight A student with the right resources, and so they make it happen. They see it as their personal responsibility to make sure that their child achieves.

Other children from other backgrounds on average don't do as well because their parents assume that being academic is the job of the child and the school, so the child is left to it, and doesn't get the support that they need, so underachieves.

So, not achieving in the top academically means that she might need more support than she's currently getting rather than a sign of any deficit within her.

RiverRover I agree with everything you said here. My average disorganised dd needed so much more support to organise herself, do notes, take in information and revise than her private school or even a private tutor could provide. I had to step in as her parent. She now gets it - still needs a lot of help - but her grades have gone up leaps and bounds. She was not stupid (though she was feeling that). She just needed tailored support to get As.

In Waldorf schools they don't even start reading and writing until the children are 7.
Our system hardens and pushes for comparison far too early. Your stress will affect your child. Don't compare don't stress our education system doesn't spot the genius in children. Like other posters have said concentrate on the positive.

Read with your child! It will make a huge difference at that age.

My y1 DS is the same. His father and grandfather are both dyslexic. I can see traits coming through as he gets older. It is upsetting OP, I feel you

There will be things she is good at, but the system we have just hasn't allowed those to be found and highlighted yet. DS1 is not academic at all and really struggles (although he can do Maths for some weird reason) but like his dad he is excellent when it comes to a practical problem and really shines when given the chance to use those skills. Ds2 is very academic and does really well in school but is stumped by even the simplest practical task outside it. My H speaks 3 languages and can fix just about anything but ask the man to write a theoretical essay and you'll have a bloody long wait, I have qualifications coming out of my ears and used to pass exams without any effort but if you want me to read a map or give usable directions somewhere it's not happening.

My point is- so she struggles with work done in school atm, she won't struggle with everything in life and she will find her path.

My eldest found reading difficult until he was 8. My 2 youngest found everything easy. My eldest is now in his early 30s and went to uni and has a fantastic job. I think it's to early to panic. Just chill x

At that age it really counts when their birthday falls as well. So if you have a summer baby and an Autumn baby in the class there will be almost a difference of a year.
Help your child to enjoy life so that she is confident and has the skills to manage it if she starts to notice that she is not so good at something.

We start formal learning way too early here and some children are not ready for it. Then we stream them and this gives the child a narrative about themselves that is hard to shift.

Don’t count you DC out of anything just yet! Y1 is far far too early to be doing anything like that.
If your DC has been assessed for her abilities and placed within a group to suit that, tbh it’s probably a good thing, as she’ll be getting more support....better that than having her needs ignored and watching her getting further behind and less and less enthusiastic about school.
My DD left primary school with levels that would be expected from a child in Y2.
I was told that she could never pursue an academic route and we would be better off encouraging her into a vocational future.
I was, understandably concerned, but she had excellent support throughout secondary school and college and is all set for starting university, studying for a BSc, in September.