How do I accept that my DC just isn’t as clever as a lot of her peers?

[mommathatwearspink]

I’ve never really thought about it until now to be honest. DC (Y1) is likely to go back to school next week and the class has been split into groups obviously based on ability. It’s also obvious that my DC group is for children that struggle more than others. I also know that she isn’t quite as advanced as her peers from parents evening, etc.
I feel totally crushed! How do you come to accept that your child just isn’t as clever as some of their peers?

@GADDay I think those are the most worthwhile qualities throughout our lives! People can be "brainy" and right twats; less academic and lovely, capable people.

At this age i’d be far more concerned with whether she enjoys school and is making friends. By the time you’re in secondary with gcse’s and a levels you’ll look back and wonder why on Earth you wasted time worrying in year 1.

When I was in infant school I struggled with reading and needed speech therapy and extra lessons. All my friends were racing ahead of me in their reading and I was struggling.
I also have a first class honours bachelor of science.

I'm in this position with my year 2 daughter. I only want her happiness, and it took a while, but I have over last few months accepted she isn't academic. It's fine. I still encourage her, but happy for her to find her own path. My husband isn't academic and he earns considerably more than me. I have the degree, and professional qualifications, he left school at 16.

mommathatwearspink

Don’t worry, there is no such thing as a ‘not clever’ child. You may have to work with your child, find the activity they are weak at and find fun ways to it. My son, at beginning of Y4 could not do 12-7, or comprehend some of the class reading books. I worked with him, and found a way. You will, too, but it’s incumbent on you to support, too. Don’t just leave it to the school.

I remember sitting on ‘Pluto’ table at school, back in the 80’s. It was definitely for the less able. However, although not the brightest person in the world, I still managed to get GCSEs, A levels, a degree and now I’m a teacher, which was what I dreamed of being. Lower your expectations of your dc & celebrate her for all she is. Find something that helps her stand out in her own way-dancing, sewing, music -anything that she can excel at.

My DD seemed ahead of her peers developmentally early in life (e.g. talking at 9-10 months), but at school she has struggled, particularly with reading and writing. She is good at maths but still struggles with anything where the questions are wordy and there is reading involved in understanding the questions. She is in Y3 now and teachers think she has dyslexia though not assessed yet. I am torn between pushing her to practice lots of reading and writing so she doesn't get too far behind her peers (even though she dislikes it) and accepting that she will be behind but to spend the time helping her develop her many other interests. If your child is behind there may be a reason but there is a balance between offering extra academic support but not overdoing it and developing other talents and interests. Not sure I have the balance right.

Don't force it. Make things fun. Find out what interests them. Might just be the formal education setting they don't like, or that they're not ready or that their talents lie in other areas. They're so young, really, don't worry!

have only skimmed the thread, but what month was she born? At that age a few months make a huge difference

That was my dd1. And she struggled right through school. she is in university now, doing really well and very happy. Academics aren't everything but also you really don't know how a kid will turn out at such a young age.

The brightest kid I ever met was a friend of my son - we were friends with her parents too. She was genuinely so advanced for her age -at some points it was like she and my son were from different planets! She struggled later in school though - was bored basically. never went to university (ds graduated this year) and has yet to find her path. She is such a bright, curious, fabulous young woman though, so she will find it eventually.

A friend went to school back in the 70s with a kid who was academically dismal and had no interest. One teachers used to say to him "John, you'll end up sweeping the streets of Dublin". At the same time John was buying chocolate wholesale and selling it in the school undercutting the school shop. My friend met him at the airport 30 years later. He had just done a multi-million pound launch of his tech company in the UK. They had a laugh about "you'll end up sweeping the streets of Dublin"

My DS was a bit of a slow starter, he is a summer baby and in year 1 it made a difference, now in year four he is very academic. I learn things from him all the time, just encourage your child's passions and encourage them to be curious and resilient.

Academic prowess is overrated. A happy life is much more dependant on character and temperament, than academic ability. A lot of exceptionally clever people struggle and drop out, while hard working people can do much better. Many trades are a much more reliable career option than more prestigious careers, practical people are really important. We need a range of skills , not thousands of boffins.

Also at her age, things may change a lot as she matures, she is a very young child, she may well do much better later on in primary, or academically in secondary school, while some of her peers may not.

I think all of us want a kind and funny friend, who is loyal and reliable, it really does not matter as an adult how many GCSEs someone has.
The recent trend to push everyone towards university just makes young people feel like failures if their strengths lie elsewhere. I think we should start to really value the other skills that hold our country together. I have friends of all classes, and levels of education, and I love them all.

You respect who she is.

Absolutely this. I come from an ultra-academic family. Personally, I'm average, going on slightly thick. My family have mostly been pretty good at accepting this but the times when they've shown they're disappointed have been really crushing. Maybe your little girl isn't hugely academic, but what are her positive qualities? Is she kind and empathetic? Funny? Good with animals? Creative in her play? There is so much more to being a decent person leading a happy and productive life, than being clever.

I can totally understand this, my son (August born) is now in year 2 but when he was in year 1 they were put in sets according to ability. He wasn’t in the top set but the next one down. All of the children knew who the ‘clever’ kids were straightaway. I was sad that children at 5 years old notice this! In his year 1 parents meeting, his teacher told me that he needed extra help with his phonics for the phonics screening which I couldn’t understand as he was on a higher book band and a good, confident reader. We did a bit of extra practice at home & he got 39/40. Now he is year 2 & my son says they are no longer in groups. I have no idea where he is ability wise. His year 1 teacher has knocked my confidence. Hopefully we will get a school report in July

Being academic really isn’t the be all and end all. I have a Masters degree, my husband didn’t even get A Levels; he earns 3 times what I do. Focus on helping your child to be a good person, well rounded and interesting and they will find their niche.

I’m struggling to see why you are ‘crushed’ by this fact. Please don’t lower your expectations for your child as some posts suggest. Heighten your expectations of her and help her build her confidence and resilience. Yes she might bloom academically at a later date but if she doesn’t, she doesn’t. I was that child who was retained a year and on the bottom table and even though I’ve been successful in my life that feeling of people not expecting much from me stays. I’m also a Mum to a child with a Learning disability whose cognitive ability will mean he will never lead an independent life but I still expect the best for him. You are your child’s best advocate. Yes feel a bit sad, but then go and find out if there is any underlying reasons for her delay and work on her other areas of intelligence.

When I was at Oxford one of my best friends had been in the remedial class at his school because he couldn't read at all until he was 6 or 7. So, you know, don't write her off just yet.

But also, it is okay if she isn't the cleverest. She'll need to find her own place in life. Clever people aren't always the happiest, nor even the highest earners. So it's fine.

I agree that Year 1 is way too young to have any idea of academic ability really for the vast majority of people.

Appreciate and love the things that you daughter is good at. The belief in herself will stand her in good stead, regardless of what her academic ability may turn out to be.

My son was similar in year 1 yet his memory astounds me! I believe he is very clever but he is still not academic in year 3. We were just getting somewhere with educational psychologist referral before lockdown but now back to square one. Having said that, he's reading Harry Potter, on the 2nd book. I never would have believed that was possible a year a go.
I believe we all have potential, we all learn differently and all have skills to offer. My older son is academic, I expect he'll go to university one day and do something that people class as "intelligent" however he is so scatty and doesn't remember half the things his younger brother seems to retain. I think they'll both be fine in the future and find their own way. So long as they are happy and healthy and try their hardest that's all I ask. Try not to worry.

She’s very young but keep encouraging and helping her. As long as she’s not struggling, she’ll be fine.
I did extra work with ds1 because I didn’t want him to feel out of his depth at school and start hating it.
His friends seemed to be the kids who were good at everything. Academic, creative and sporty!
He’s a teenager now and doing really well.

Op, my DD, I honestly thought she would never read. She struggled sooo much and I found it hard as I have always been a very adept reader and from a very young age. By the time she was 9, she was still struggling hugely with simple buff and chip books. By the time she was 10, she was reading kids novels, and by 11 she was on to Stephen king. It just clicked one day and she has never looked back.

She's only what 6? I think she is far too young to judge. Kids learn at different rates, normal is a very wide spectrum. And if she isn't particularly academic, that doesn't mean she isn't clever. I wasn't academic as a child. I still can't remember my 12 times tables at nearly 30 but at 10 years old my vocabulary was approximately years ahead of where the rest of my year group was, I was reading fluently and had run out of school reading books and had discovered that I had a way with dogs.

They just listened to me. My friend had a notoriously badly behaved labrador. Couldn't do a thing with him. That dog listened to every word I said. Calm and biddable as you like. No one could believe it. I still have that strange talent for training dogs. I still love to read.

Find out what she loves. Stop focusing on goals that she isn't quite reaching, it's not a race with her peers where she has to keep up. Find the things she loves to do and encourage what she is good at. School smarts aren't the be all and end all. Grades aren't everything and certainly not a measure of intelligence.

Much too early to tell, doubly so if a Summer baby. Don't forget many countries don't start formal education until seven, precisely because of the differing rates of development.

When each of mine started school the classes were rapidly grouped into reading levels. In reality the levels represented their readiness not their ability. Over the next couple of years the later starters caught up, the faster starters settled. I particularly remember the mother of my eldest's best friend despairing as they went into Yr 2 due to his struggles with reading. Half way through the year something just clicked and he ran away with reading and ended up as one of the top readers.

Just give her time and encouragement.

I would try not to worry about it just yet. Your daughter is very young. My daughter went through ks1 with some below expectation grades. Her maths was consistently low. She decided at the end of year 4 she wanted to sit her 11+. I never had the heart to say to her she wasn’t clever enough. I told her she would have to work for it. With her own motivation she set to it and we had 9 months tutoring at the start of year 5. Her confidence soared and she exceeded all our expectations gaining a place at grammar.

If it makes you feel better I could read age 3, as a teen I only scraped into college! I wouldn’t worry.