How do I accept that my DC just isn’t as clever as a lot of her peers?

[mommathatwearspink]

I’ve never really thought about it until now to be honest. DC (Y1) is likely to go back to school next week and the class has been split into groups obviously based on ability. It’s also obvious that my DC group is for children that struggle more than others. I also know that she isn’t quite as advanced as her peers from parents evening, etc.
I feel totally crushed! How do you come to accept that your child just isn’t as clever as some of their peers?

Another thing to bear in mind with all this, is that the brain is around 20 percent built at birth and around 80percent at age 3 and the sort of stimulation and experiences the child has in those first three years will very largely determine their intelligence, interests, character, personality, aptitudes. So how bright they are is actually not a chance of birth. Even as far back as Montessori, in the 19th c - her work with children forwarded her theories along these lines and this is now being backed by neuroscience.

Every child has unique qualities and unique aspects of their personalities, but the more skilled they are - ie starting with this basic early education - the more likely it is that they will be able to succeed later on their unique path.

Investigations into SENs such as dyslexia don't even begin until y3 as the system likes time for children to mature out of common difficulties in the early years of literacy and schooling.

Some people are late bloomers. Some of the most financially successful people I know are those who did not go down the conventional accademic pathway.

Celebrate what your child does well. Support them where they struggle. Reward effort rather than outcomes. DS1 is on the SEN and G&T register. He struggles to write his name, but has excellent scientific and social studies type knowledge. If I could change one thing about him, I would only reduce the frustration he has with the world and increase his patience. DS2 is not a mature learner (really struggling with home learning) but he has plenty of time to mature. He has the most wonderful sunny disposition.

Love your little human for the wonderful little human they are.

My DD was successful at school and at university.

The things I admire her for are not her academic achievements. It's her empathy and kindness. Yes, she got her degree, but for me, it's more important that she is kind, thoughtful and wants to stand with those with less privilege than she's had, such as it was (Working class, single parent family etc).

Educational achievement is only one acheivment. It's not the be all that ends all

I don’t really know how to answer your question but it does get easier over time. Maybe just try hard to ignore what others are achieving, focus on how well your child is doing in other areas. Just love her for how she is, not how you want her to be. I do know how hard this is - and it’s hard too within families if one child is less able than siblings. You just have to keep going. Going from my own experience (my DC are in their 20s now, with very different ability levels) you might feel sad for a long time - I still feel sad to a point - but you need to dwell on other things.

Anything could happen in terms of her progress at this young age...why are you pigeon-holing her ad infinitum?

Ken Robinson’s Ted talk about celebrating individuals strengths, not just academic ones is certainly worth a watch. He wrote a great book called The Element as well.

Academics is not the be all and end all.

Let her be her.

However
My son was the same, on the lower achieving group, extra support for English for several years etc etc.
He is now 18, just finished year architecture.
He got 5 higher A grades, one for English.

TheY all learn at different paces.

I never pushed, no extra lessons, I just supported.

She's Y1.

Relax.

I'm a bit worried about this too as I was always top of the class and it looks like my little girl won't be and I'm worried I'll put too much pressure on her. However now I'm forty I look back at what the people I went to school with did and I suspect a fair few of the people who didn't go on to university etc are a lot better off than me. As long as they're happy it really doesn't matter. Also I was hot housed by my mum but she didn't work and I have a demanding job so there's not much I can do but trust to school.

@Barbararara

Our school definitely cohort pupils by ability and the children are aware of that at a very young age. In year 1 my daughter knew and recognised her place in the middle groups, now in year 5 she is in the higher ability group. My son is completely aware that he is in the lower ability group. I think it is damaging so young.

My friend’s daughter was effectively written off by her primary school, who told my friend that her daughter should look at “working with animals or working in a nursery.” They were adamant that she wasn’t academic and wouldn’t achieve anything. She took off at secondary and did a degree in maths at a RG university, got a First, and is now doing a PhD.

Reading, games and loads of chatting helps so much and you dont know yet whether she will be a bookworm or not. In our house dh is a bit of a genius and in computers and we've 4 and 2 are very obviously Maths heads, but the other 2 have such caring personalities I'm always saying to dh that if they goes into anything other than a caring career it's the biggest waste. People can be whatever they want nowadays, just try and let her be a kid and try and forget about worrying (I know it's hard, when I say 2 maths heads, I've tried for years to get them to work on reading!!)

I know its hard but try not to focus on it on draw attention to it and encourage her in other areas.

Eldest DS was confident, exceptionally bright but also very lazy.

I thought our younger DD was by far the brighter before starting school. But by yr1 I knew she was struggling with reading. She was much more arty and creative but strangely also fairly good at maths. She has dyslexia and doesn’t fit the school definition of clever she is much quieter and less confident than DS but still bright, creative and we love her.

Aged 8 a education psychologist informed my parents who were stressed about by non-academic ability that I would never sit an O level or pass any meaningful exam. I was not writing clearly and had several academic issues (unknown to everyone I was also left handed and forced to write righthanded, dyslexia and I was very short sighted (un diagnosed I could even see the board never mind read it!). Aged 13 I sat 2 O Levels -both A grades. Aged 15 I sat an A Level grade A and 14 further O Levels. At 17 I did my A Levels and I went to Oxbridge. Happily I flourished there and 3 degrees later I'm doing very well in my chosen career. Yes my spelling isn't great but I have a wonderful PA to proof read my stuff. I can't post on here for toffee and probably come across as an uneducated buffoon! My children -one has a physical disability but is a genius academically and needs no help or support but can't run, one ten years younger can outrun the eldest and is a whiz at maths -but communication and talking nada. If you can afford it get a good tutor just to give her a boost. Won't do any harm. But don't fret please.What I love about each child is their uniqueness. For very young children -birthdays play a huge part. Their can be a year between some of them in actual age. Reading for example -all of my struggled except the eldest -but when they took off they flew. We celebrate the small and the large.My eldest is part of a class Whatsapp group and a girl in there was being picked on -mine stood up for her in the group chat, rang the girl in question privately and asked if she was ok etc. Tonight I hugged her and said to her -I'm really really proud of you and what you did today Your daughter is wee, she's 6.. Let her grow and be happy! But if you want to help her -ask on here or the school what you can do to help her or consider a tutor. For mine any tutor has been more about confidence building in that subject and encouragement.

far to young to know,
keep talking to her
keep playing, keep reading , let her find her potential

She is still so young, it's hard to tell potential and capability at that age. Its also important to remember that success, fulfillment and living a full life is way beyond just academic attainment. My best friend really struggled at school, she worked really hard but just isn't academic. She earns 5 figures now in her job, travels the world (well, covid aside), has set up a charity which makes a real difference in peoples lives, and is extremely content; because she is extremely talented in her field which is not academic.

The best gifts you can give her are acceptance and to read a bedtime story to her every single night for the duration of primary school. Do not stop when you think she can start to read short ones to herself. Read good books, funny books and books from years ago with a broader vocabulary. (Puts soapbox away)

There's plenty of time. My dad spent the whole of primary school telling me I would fail in life. I can only assume I wasn't keeping up particularly well, probably because I went to a different school every year. I went to Oxbridge and have a well paid job, it's all about how things go post GCSE (fucked those up a bit and it didn't make a difference). Your DC will be fine, and even if they're not as bright as some, they can still be very successful - personality is much more important.

It's honestly too soon to predict her academic potential.

My DD is similar to @ekidmxcl's DS. Struggled in Yr. 1, she was also a slow reader and she had some literacy tutoring.

Now she's 15 and in the Honors and Accelerated programs at her high school (in the US). She's considered an academic high achiever.

Give your DC time and don't worry too much.

What are you doing as a parent to help her to learn?

School can only do so much. She needs input from home.

When I was your DD's age, it was just becoming unavoidably clear to my parents I was not what they expected. They were both very bright (both PhDs), and my older brother was a precocious child who learned to read very early was had obvious genius at maths and science.

My parents, especially my mum, found it very hard to deal with me. When my little brother came along, and he was ever further behind, they really struggled. My mum did her absolute best, and took a lot of time trying to teach us both. But on some level, both of my parents still can't hide their disappointment that I'm not as bright as they wanted, and their sense of who I am as a person is very strongly shaped by their disappointment in me academically. It's really hurt me growing up, and as an adult.

As it happens, I am dyslexic and I am quite able once I learn coping strategies, but that's not the point (I say this because IMO a lot of this thread is implying the 'solution' to your problem would be finding out your child was going to be clever after all). The point is that it's crushing when you realise a parent judges you on intelligence.

A friends daughter all through primary school was told she was below average, would never achieve much and so on. She then went to secondary school and all of a sudden it all just clicked!
She's just graduated from uni with a 2.1!

In my experience empathy, resilience, kindness and willingness to try count for far far more than being in "top sets" in primary school. These are things that become very difficult to "learn" in the later years.

I know it is hard but try not to compare. Your DD will follow her own trajectory, best to encourage her to reach her own targets and goals.

Take care

OP this is the opening of Marcus Rashford's article for the Times today:

"t can be funny where your career takes you sometimes. If someone had said ten years ago that I would one day be writing for The Times I would have laughed, and yet here I am on Monday evening opening this with a question that has been playing on my mind all day: have I done enough?"

Now, I have no idea how Rashford did in his GCSEs. He's a brilliant footballer, but no-one ever mentions his academic record. Today though he has single-handedly changed the future for 1.3 million vulerable children this summer, ensuring that they get food vouchers to cover the meals they would have got had they been in school.

You don't have to be academically brilliant to achieve amazing things and change the world for the better.