How do I accept that my DC just isn’t as clever as a lot of her peers?

[mommathatwearspink]

I’ve never really thought about it until now to be honest. DC (Y1) is likely to go back to school next week and the class has been split into groups obviously based on ability. It’s also obvious that my DC group is for children that struggle more than others. I also know that she isn’t quite as advanced as her peers from parents evening, etc.
I feel totally crushed! How do you come to accept that your child just isn’t as clever as some of their peers?

My son was in an SEN class because he wasn't reading in year 3. He finished a doctorate last year. You can't tell or predict - they are all individuals and will do whatever they need to do in their own time.

My kids are surprisingly smart. We are in France and they don't seem to even start reading here until about 6 despite starting school at 3 (both mine started at late 2).

They are now in mid-teens and way above average. Honestly no way of knowing yet. I would say that if you pick up any issues after about 8, try and get on top of them asap with outside help if necessary.

I have a very maths resistant teen - and I should have been tougher on her getting extra help earlier. My second one had problems with French dictation - and we got help ASAP - and it seems to have worked.

Is your daughter a summer baby? My daughter's birthday is end of July and in primary school was always in the bottom third of the class. Now at 17 did brilliantly in her GCSE's and has great predictions for her A-levels. Just be loving and positive, she will find her way and be amazing...

I have come to the same realisation with one of mine. Just have to concentrate on the things he is good at which are not the normal academic subjects. It’s hard because I am academic but the world would be a boring place if we were all good at the same things.

OP, your DC is going to do well in life as they have a parent concerned about them, and wanting to know how to help.

My DC1 of 3 was a really slow developer: saw a speech therapist for a bit aged 3/4, not particularly interested in readying. On his first day of primary school, when the teacher called the children over the carpet and asked parents to wave goodbye, he promptly sat down on the carpet, facing the ‘wrong way’ (ie everyone else sat down facing the teacher and he sat down looking at the back wall.

If I’d known about face-palming 12 years ago, I would have done it!

He really took off in year 4 - got into grammar school- and was predicted 8 9s and an 8 before - well, you know. And his speech and language is fine

I am not saying all this as a stealth boast, but to sympathise. Of my 3 children, I have spent 80% of my worries and grey hairs over the first 11 years of his life - he really struggled socially, and with life generally really.

But since starting secondary, he has just... grown into the person he is meant to be. Grown comfortable and happy in his own skin. It’s the loveliest thing to see, and I am so so so grateful. And I wish I had known this 14 years ago, and it would have saved his father and I a lot of angst.

So - in short - I sympathise, but as someone almost out the other side, and works in a primary school with lots of children, they really do often flourish in their own time. It’s stressful when everyone else seems to be on the white book band and yours in still on red or pink (kipper and biff anyone?), but it does often all shake out in the end.

You don’t. My DS was unkindly described by his teacher as ‘very average at maths’. A year later her got 3 questions wrong across both SATs papers and was immediately moved to the top table. He’s also about to start a top grammar school in September. Don’t ever give up on her and cast her off as average or below average, she might just not have come into her own yet.

I disagree with the posters saying it’s too young. The bright kids in y1 are still the bright kids in secondary.

I also wouldn't worry yet. My three were all a bit slow in KS1, DS2 couldn't speak well. Even last year (so year 3) DD looked at you oddly if you asked her to do a subtraction and she's getting there.

Both my boys CAT scores were 130+ from year 5 and DS sailed through 11+.

Is she summer born? When my DS was in year 1, all the children on the top table were born in the first four months of the school year. By year 4, some of the younger children had overtaken them.

When Dd was in year 2 we were told she was about a year behind where she should be. School said they couldn’t offer her any help as she wasn’t 2 years behind!

We did a few things that helped I guess. We moved her to a smaller (state) school in year 3 and I think the smaller class size helped. We bought “educational” fun games and played them with her. Only when she wanted to but gently encouraged them. We’d always read loads to her and carried on with that.

Anyway she passed her 11plus in year 6. Did really well in GCSEs, ok in Alevels and is doing a really good degree now.

So don’t write her off so young.

My youngest dd has always been distinctly average academically and has no interest in academic subjects. She's 15 and at the very young end of Year 11. She may or may not pass a few GCSEs but has a Distinction in her BTEC in Hair and Beauty which she will continue to the next level next year. So not the Mumsnet success story but do you know what, she is a sweet, kind, funny girl, a loyal friend and works her socks off in her Saturday job in a salon. I'm just as proud of her as her more conventionally successful sisters.

Good lord, she's still a baby. This is not the point at which to worry about her academic ability. Kids develop at different paces, and the kid who is yards ahead now may not be so when it comes to, eg, GCSEs.

Also, people are good at different things, which may not be academic. FWIW in my family my sibling who was least academic has actually been the one to have a very successful career, and ended up the most "respectable" - and incidentally, most well-off - of us all. It turns out he's a bloody hard worker, good with his hands, very good with people, and has a strategic mind. These things did not translate into academic achievement but did translate into a successful working life.

But in the meantime, she's just a wee baby. Stop worrying.

@Doodar

I disagree with the posters saying it’s too young. The bright kids in y1 are still the bright kids in secondary.

Yes, I’d agree with that. Although the brightest boy in DD’s primary went off the rails in secondary and didn’t pass a single gcse. However he was still bright.

But just because the bright kids are still bright doesn’t mean that the less bright kids can’t find their mojo and catch up.

There is actually a huge amount you could be doing over the next few years with literacy and maths.

Starting from now her reading a couple of sentences of Chip and Biff at the right level for her, every single night in bed to with you and you then reading things too advanced for her to read but which she enjoys and doing a couple of sums at the right level, will make a huge difference over time. When she is 7 or so, it comes down to repetition and rote learning for maths and grammar - a bright child might pick up concepts quickly but still need the repetition. Most importantly learning about the world around, the human body, plants, space, evolution - doing experiments and projects and reading DK books together at bedtime - you reading the text - really sparks interest and her interests will spark off from that. I think it isn't a matter of accepting or not accepting, more to do with training the brain and educating both of which will increase her quality of life. That is the point - quality of life - not high marks for the sake of it I think

Also emotional intelligence, which helps with things like determination, not being put off by failure. The natural state for a young child is learning, leaning, learning- it is up to you to find the way that works for her

DS2 had extra help in Y1. (Maybe dyspraxia-no label in those days) Teacher was tentative in offering it (in those days) as people were defensive, SN not so understood then. He went on to get a scholarship in Y5 to the most academic school in the UK.
Celebrate her strengths and don't compare with peers.

I disagree with the posters saying it’s too young. The bright kids in y1 are still the bright kids in secondary

@Doodar

I would take that statement with a pinch of salt

Look at her unique talents and strengths. Don’t feel crushed by who your child is. Being academic/doing well at school is only one way to shine, there are many others.

I was told one of my DC, at that age, was underachieving and was going to need SEN support. Luckily I was an ex teacher and this was DC3. I was confident enough to know that this was simply not the case.

DC3 went on to get better A levels than their siblings, a 2:1 at Uni and now working in a great job.

Something I really believe in when talking about children which is “play on their strengths and work on their weaknesses” it has worked for mine.

Academic achievement does not define a person.

You’ve got a lot of people on here telling stories about how their child overcame being behind, and it’s true that there are exceptions to the trend. But there is a good chance your child isn’t as bright as you would like her to be.

Your error is to see her (and possibly your) worth as through academic achievement. It’s not a competition as to which child gets the best GCSE’s and your parenting isn’t judged by this. Surely the aim is to create a happy, well rounded, kind, person, and even this isn’t a competition, it’s just what you want for your child.

The best lives are lived by the people who are happy. Being top of the class is not the key to happiness.

Stop feeling ‘crushed’ by vowing to yourself that by the time she is 18/21/30 you will have given her all the skills to be happy and be the best person she can be, whatever her natural aptitude is - love, acceptance, hobbies and self esteem to name a few. Your daughter is not defined by her academic attainment.

Firstly, you gently work on things that are easy to do at home. Reading/writing etc
Secondly, you hone her talents. I was academically smart, but crap with arts/music etc. My brother is academically weak, but very musically talented.

Everyone is clever in different ways.

I disagree with the posters saying it’s too young. The bright kids in y1 are still the bright kids in secondary I disagree, firstly any NT child can catch up to a perfectly acceptable level with the right help, secondly many kids are genuine late developers, late bloomers, and thirdly as the child gets older their success and performance is far more to do with emotional intelligence - determination, resilience, coping with failure.

She is very young and there is plenty of time for her to catch up and even surpass her peers. I was one for the last in my infant school class to master reading and yet I was a secondary school teacher for 36 years.
And if she remains average academically - so be it. She can still have a happy and successful life!

You look for what she is good at? Art? Music? Dance? Sports? Making things?

@user2085375632 yes exactly