Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

1 2 ··· 35 36 37 38 39 40

Original poster

I have zero authority

999 replies

ChiaWatermelon · 26/05/2020 09:52

Hi,

Mum of two boys here, aged 8 & 18. Looking for some help and advice on how I can become a stronger mother with some authority in my house.

I love both of my sons to bits, and I wouldn’t change them for the world, but sometimes I feel bullied and manipulated, DS (18) isn’t too bad, DS (8) is the problem, I have tried to ignore it hoping that he will grow out of it.

He is very well behaved at school, but at home he is a completely different person

He is miserable, he is always moaning about something.

He is an extremely fussy eater, take this morning for an example, he asked for a salmon cream cheese bagel once out in front of him he decided he didn’t want it.

Since being off school he has refused to join in on the online classes (at the start of the pandemic, the school ordered for every child to get dressed and attend online assembly, he did it the first day then decided that he wasn’t going to do it again)

It’s been a struggle to get him out of the house for daily exercise and supermarket trips, he just sulks the whole time I find myself bribing him with amazon credit.

The list goes on.

OP posts:

SionnachGlic · 04/06/2020 14:08

OP,

You & both of your children need help. You throw down words like 'I would never let that happen' & whatever you said in earlier post about children keeping rooms tidy as dirt is unacceptable. So when it matters to you, you can make it happen.

DS1 is right in what he says, DS2 rules the roost with difficult behaviour & you do nothing to prevent it. You tried recently but you cave very easily. There was no mention of your role in events this morning...nothing about you intervening & telling DS2 to behave & mop up the mess he made. I suppose it all happened too fast...like you explained the last time. DS1 is trying to exert discipline over DS2...of course he is wrong & violence is not the answer. Someone needs to but it is not his job to do it. DS1 is out of his depth & struggling because you are not stepping up. He is telling you in all the wrong ways that you need to do something. If you do not take action then you are the problem. Not DS1 or DS2. Allowing poor behaviour is the problem here. You have alot of support & encouragement here OP, wanting you to succeed. But you need to do better.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 04/06/2020 14:10

I know a PP earlier in the thread said this is not domestic violence, but it absolutely is.

I think you should call the police and see what they say, to be honest. It's that serious and it's time your older son realised that.

LJ25 · 04/06/2020 14:19

Your DS(18) is trying to parent your DS(8) because of your failure to do so. If you wouldn't let your DS(8) get away with such appalling behaviour then your DS(18) wouldn't feel he had to take matters into his own hands. I am not condoning the physical violence but he must feel so drained by it all and must not know how to vent his frustration correctly. I am drained just reading it. Your parenting is shocking and you need to get a grip. Have you even told them why there has been a change in your behaviour yet? You need to clearly set things out, tell them that things have changed because you are sick of their behaviour and they don't appreciate anything you do. Tell them straight that you will be deciding what's for meals and if they don't want that, then they can make their own. This is beyond ridiculous. I actually feel sorry for your DS(18) as he has tried to help you, he's tried to ask you if your ok and what's changed and you've ignored him and told him to go away, he's told you he's there if you need to talk to him and you just respond with a condescending comment. I think he will go on to resent you. I would. What consequences is your DD(8) facing for throwing juice yet again? What consequences did he face last time?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

Lottapianos · 04/06/2020 14:24

' i know a PP earlier in the thread said this is not domestic violence, but it absolutely is.'

100%

OP, you are in total denial about the severity of your older son's behaviour. He has absolutely no respect for you, and doesn't see you as any kind of authority figure in the home. Hes the man of the house in his eyes and hes not going to be taking any orders from you. His behaviour is frighteningly violent and entitled. He treats you like a slave. Do you really think he will take a blind bit of notice if you start laying down the law about how he cant lay a finger on his little brother again?! Hes already done it twice!

You are not protecting your younger son in all this. Dont even kid yourself that you are. Hes scared in his own home, and you're showing him that violence can be tolerated, and that his big brother is by far the most important person in the family. Such damaging lessons

LIZS · 04/06/2020 14:55

it is absolutely your role to safeguard your ds2 from his elder brother. He is a child and you are his parent. If he told school or his f about it they would rightly refer to police/ss. Your ds1 is a young adult and has his own choices to make. If that means ds1 leaves , and given that he is not remotely contrite or promising it won't happen again he ought to, so be it. You cannot juggle their competing tempers and try to keep them apart, the situation is not sustainable and will cause you more stress. Speak to CAMHS or even NSPCC, Childline or similar today. Your ds is exactly the sort of vulnerable child who needs to be in school not a toxic and volatile environment 24/7, although you clearly do not perceive him as such.

GarlicMcAtackney · 04/06/2020 15:42

You ‘dedicating your life’ to these people isn’t really working out. Is there anywhere else the child can live? Can you get social services involved? Before your son discloses this to someone and the choice is out of your hands.

0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h · 04/06/2020 16:24

You need urgent intervention with a family counselor over Skype before someone gets seriously hurt. If you don't seek help now you will be responsible for whatever happens next. You have been too spoilt up to you point to do anything you didn't fancy doing, rather like your children. You didn't go for help that would actually involve work because you have all these mumsnet strangers on the internet to give you attention instead. But now you need to get a grip and employ a real life professional - and follow their advice. You know it won't work too talk to your son-you started this thread because you had zero authority!! Hardly something to put your faith in when your younger son could be at serious risk of harm and trauma. If you do nothing now, you will be as bad as your husband.

0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h · 04/06/2020 16:24

ex husband

easterbrook · 04/06/2020 16:59

He's obviously going the wrong way about it and need needs to know that violence is not the answer, but it seems to me that your ds (18) has had absolutely enough of his younger brother's appalling behaviour towards you, and is trying to do something about it. He is trying to instil the discipline into him that is so woefully lacking in your house.

Saz12 · 04/06/2020 17:21

You are allowing your adult son to beat up your 8-year-old child.
And you seriously wonder why your 8-year-old misbehaves with you, and why neither him nor your 18-year-old (adult) son has no respect for you?

Disagree? Then imagine you read a post on here that says “An 8-year-old child I live with is cheeky, rude and disrespectful toward me, so I threw him on the floor as a punishment and will continue to behave this way toward him until he learns to do as I tell him”.

That’s basically what you’re 18-year-old said when you spoke to him about it the first time.

You cannot let this continue. I get that you’ve worked hard these last few days to improve things, but your sons urgently need to know that you will not tolerate violence and that you will protect them and yourself from it.

How long before your 8-year-old hits you to teach you a lesson? When he’s 10? 14? He must be so scared to be living in this chaos.

Saz12 · 04/06/2020 17:23

... and I don’t think your 18-year-old is actually trying to get your son to listen to you, he’s just trying to get him to do what HE tells him. If you’d told youngest to pick the glass up, older DC wouldn’t have stepped in.

MsJaneAusten · 04/06/2020 17:58

This just popped up in my ads. Free parenting guidance/support:
talk.actionforchildren.org.uk

Original poster

ChiaWatermelon · 04/06/2020 19:01

Hi,

I haven’t read through all the new posts yet. It’s been a miserable afternoon and evening, I have had to do everything to keep DS(8) happy I let him download two new games for the Nintendo switch because I feel so guilty.

I tried speaking to DS(18) he basically said that he doesn’t care because he has had enough of his brothers behaviour that he can’t ignore it anymore and he will keep hitting him until he learns to behave. He also said if their dad was living with us DS(8) wouldn’t be so out of control and he is not blaming his behaviour on me because he knows I’m a soft mum and DS(8) is taking advantage out of that.

OP posts:

rainbowstardrops · 04/06/2020 19:02

Whilst I don't condone violence, can you not see that your 18 year old is trying to be the parent here?!!!!
Yes, he's bang out of order but he can see that you're not doing your job and he's taking matters into his own hands. Wrongly using aggression but he's clearly exasperated with you and your apathy!

Original poster

ChiaWatermelon · 04/06/2020 19:03

DS(18) didn’t even give me a chance to tell DS(8) to pick up the glass, it just happened so fast.

OP posts:

JudyGemstone · 04/06/2020 19:04

I'm not sure there was any 'beating up'. Sounds more like he was rough with him a gave him a shove.

I'm not saying that's acceptable, it isn't but let's not get carried away eh.

Most brothers can be aggressive with each other, my siblings and me used to fight terribly but it wasn't 'abuse'

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 04/06/2020 19:05

@JudyGemstone if one of them was 18 and the other was 8, then it was abuse

JRUIN · 04/06/2020 19:17

You should read all OPs posts, they are incredibly indulged boys.
Also, boys don’t need a male role model, what outdated crap.

I'm so glad you said this @OtterBe4. I have 3 boys, who haven't had a father figure in their lives for many years and they are all respectful young men thanks.

JRUIN · 04/06/2020 19:25

As for you OP, I actually feel a bit sorry for your boys. You take them to Dubai so they can shop? That's not fun for an 8yr old! He'd have a better time at Butlins! Why don't you try doing something fun with them, instead of just throwing money and salmon bagels at them? Also snubbing your eldest when he asked you what was wrong was childish and petulant. You seem to go from one extreme to another. No wonder your kids are miserable.

Original poster

ChiaWatermelon · 04/06/2020 19:25

@JudyGemstone

I’m glad that you’ve said that, DS(18) would never punch or kick him.

I’m just going to have to try again tomorrow, I’m so tired and drained!

OP posts:

BahHumPug · 04/06/2020 19:30

You've undone your good work. Instead of supporting your child emotionally, you have once again given him material goods. The very same material goods that were, for now, your most powerful parenting tool.

What's the point 🤷

Original poster

ChiaWatermelon · 04/06/2020 19:31

@JRUIN

There are plenty of things to do in Dubai, and to be honest with you I would never take my children to somewhere like Butlins, I have taken DS(8) to Lego land but he wouldn’t go on any of the rides because there were other people there (it wasn’t full) and he wanted them to all go home, he had a problem understanding that Legoland is a place where other children like to go as well. That’s why I opt for places like Dubai, hopefully after my explanation you’ll understand.

OP posts:

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 04/06/2020 19:39

What are you going to do to protect your son, OP? Or do you not give a fuck how scared and hurt he is if you can keep pretending you're not a shitty mother?

DoIneed1 · 04/06/2020 19:40

Op has your younger son got additional needs? Apologies if I have missed this info. The reaction to other people being at Legoland does not seem a usual one to me.

Original poster

ChiaWatermelon · 04/06/2020 19:41

@BahHumPug

Yes just to keep him settled for this evening.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 ··· 35 36 37 38 39 40