I have zero authority

[ChiaWatermelon]

Hi,

Mum of two boys here, aged 8 & 18. Looking for some help and advice on how I can become a stronger mother with some authority in my house.

I love both of my sons to bits, and I wouldn’t change them for the world, but sometimes I feel bullied and manipulated, DS (18) isn’t too bad, DS (8) is the problem, I have tried to ignore it hoping that he will grow out of it.

He is very well behaved at school, but at home he is a completely different person

He is miserable, he is always moaning about something.

He is an extremely fussy eater, take this morning for an example, he asked for a salmon cream cheese bagel once out in front of him he decided he didn’t want it.

Since being off school he has refused to join in on the online classes (at the start of the pandemic, the school ordered for every child to get dressed and attend online assembly, he did it the first day then decided that he wasn’t going to do it again)

It’s been a struggle to get him out of the house for daily exercise and supermarket trips, he just sulks the whole time I find myself bribing him with amazon credit.

The list goes on.

My sons father is a hacker and fraudster, and has some very bad people around him, would you feel comfortable letting your son stay overnight? NO YOU WOULDN’T so please don’t say I’m selfish!!

How many of those people PHYSICALLY ASSAULT YOUR SON?!!

OP, now is not the time to sit around feeling sorry for yourself.
You need to be taking action, and thinking about how you can improve this situation and keep your 8 yr old safe.

For starters, actions such as telling DS(18) to move out given his declaration that he’ll assault DS(8) again if DS(8) misbehaves.
I’ve no idea what your mum’s like, but asking your mum to tell DS(18) off doesn’t sound like an effective course of action!

And getting counselling and parenting courses to help you learn how to parent your DC.

You're a selfish parent who can't be bothered to do the right thing because it's hard.

OP.

I just cannot keep reading instalments of escalating abuse in your home & your failure to do anything about it, looking at yiur posts questioning why all of this his is happening to you & you are so drained by it.

Your ex may be a fraudster or whatever else but he might care enough for his son to make sure he is not being abused & has a safe home. You are not doing that so, for me, at this point in time...you are way further down the ladder than your ex.

And your elder, I feel sorry for him, in his own misguided warped way he is trying to bring some discipline into your home.

It seems to be all about appearances for you...you haven't taken one bit of advice about contacting anyone for help or counselling. You don't want anyone to know what is happening behimd closed doors. As long as your kids have manners & are well behaved in public.

I have a family, I have a job, I have friends & still I have read your posts & tried to encourage you. And you are not just back to square 1..you have permitted violence in your home twice & all you do is post about it.

I hope one of your sons confides in a trusted adult, I hope someone who has their primary care & welfare at heart listens to him & acts. You haven't .

I'm sure it's been said but OCD has a high comorbidity with Autistic Spectrum Conditions.

Is this something you've considered with your youngest?

It's not about you OP, it's about your children. I find the posts about your headaches and tiredness and why is it happening to me etc really weird. I find all this really weird tbh

@DoYourTitsHangLow

I am sure you are one of the posters that called me a troll (sorry if I am mistaken) I had to upload a picture of my son working in order for those claims to stop, now you are saying you find this all weird? I have been nothing but honest the whole way through this, I just can’t win on here or in real life.

I have not long ago come of the phone to my mum she said that she’ll call him in the morning for a long talk and if happens again she will come and remove him from my house herself and he’ll have to go and stay with her.

In regards to DS(8) tomorrow is another day, I’ll try again.

Thank goodness your mum can parent you and deal with her grandkids. I'd treat yourself to a nice cleansing holiday to Dubai at this point and let someone else clean up the mess you've caused and refuse to Rey and resolve

There are many posts and threads made on MN by people who ask for advice then don't like what they hear, then flounce, no-one is surprised by them.
But the continued ignoring of advice, updates that get worse and odd things been said is what I find very strange?
Yes, I did think troll just for the absurd ness of it all but MN admin didn't agree. Now I have no clue.

Please, OP, your wee 8-year-old child has been physically hurt, deliberately, by your (physically) adult son. That older son has said he will keep doing this until your youngest is “good”.
How would you feel if someone suggested YOU, or a partner, were being violent toward your child in this way? Angry, upset, horrified? But you are allowing it to happen, knowing that you are safe, which isn’t much better.

I’m glad for both your sons sakes that your mum is able to protect your children (from violence). Someone needs to. But neither she nor your kids will respect you as a result of this.

Your 8-year-old has a mental health condition which is quite probably related to anxiety. He desperately needs someone who will lay down and maintain clear, safe boundaries, and to have a routine so his world feels easier to navigate and predictable. Instead his brother was violent toward him, (has clearly said he will continue to be so, not even a one-off), and his mother has done nothing to stop it; his mother has changed some rules at home, but only applies them occasionally, and makes it clear that she can’t cope with doing more than this hugely patchy and inadequate approach.

Do you remember being 8? How would you have felt in his shoes?

So your mum is actually the parent. Right. She needs to do her thing then. You need to pipe down and wheel her in.

You must protect your 8 year old op. You keep talking about how small he is. Now think of him being physically abused by an 18yo male. Who has no self awareness at all. The irony of a boy who has zero respect for you telling you the 8yo needs to learn it.

I don’t see any consequences for the 18yo, I suggest telling him clearly respect is owed to YOU and you only. He hasn’t earned any. Then bin his deliveroo in the freezer, every bit of it. It’s your house and he’s being bloody rude telling you your food is crap, apparently his into respect now so all his fuck you mum food (that’s the message he’s giving you) goes in the bin right now. And tell him his gf isn’t welcome in the house as he closest thing you have to grounding him, and if he hits or is violent to ds again he isn’t allowed in the house either. If you don’t enforce his behaviour your ds8 will go back to school tell a teacher and they will do the right thing and report you to social services. That is completely unrelated to any mumsnetters So don’t flounce off the thread as you need help to protect your child and not bring him up like his violent entitled spoilt rotten brother.

Are you fucking nuts? If you're not careful your youngest will be removed from your house and your eldest will be charged with assault - or worse, depending on how much he hurts your youngest.

I presume you accepted your mum's help and didn't say to her, "I'm not making my DS leave the house."

While I'm relieved she is able to protect DS2 where you aren't, the fact that you couldn't take that advice from the thread shows that this thread is not helping you.

In your OP, you said that you wanted to be stronger with more authority. The thread has not helped. Ready to try the counselling mentioned upthread? I really don't know why you're so passive towards your DC - it does seem weird as others have said. We as strangers on the internet seem to be more protective of your DS2 than his own mother - that is weird. But a professional could help you change your thinking and become the stronger parent you want to be.

Alternatively you continue to act like a child and leave it to your mum. I don't think you want to do that really. Remember, if you seek help, nobody needs to know. It's just between you and the professional. Look through the thread and find the one recommended by the poster experienced with this sort of thing. Find out how you can support your sons in the way that your mum supported you last night.

Have you told your eldest, that all his brother has to do is call the police or tell someone whom calls for him and DS 8 can have him attested, that he will have a criminal record for life.
That certain jobs will not be in his future and women will refuse to date him, if they hear about it.

Those of you telling OP to simply kick her 18 year old son out are not being helpful. Do you know many mothers who would want to do that? Obviously he should not be hurting his brother and that needs to be addressed urgently, but people are being unrealistic about how easy it is to show a child the door just like that, even if they are 18.

So why don’t you make some constructive suggestions? I think a stern word from his grandmother might actually help, maybe it will wake him up and embarrass him to know that other people know and disapprove of his behaviour towards his brother. Banning his girlfriend from coming over could be another consequence too, I think another PP mentioned that.

Wow, this thread has taken me over an hour to read and honestly don't know where to start - or if there's even any point in wasting my time. So your son thinks he has to keep physically reprimanding your son for his bad behaviour. Have you asked who should come and do the same to him when he's rude and badly behaved as you are too small?!

It sounds like an all over really disordered way of living. Your dc get everything they want and live in what seems like absolute luxury while you don't work. Do they have any concept of real life and what it entails. You seem very nervy yourself and it's very likely your ds is picking up on that anxiety.

Why don't you sit down with both dc and make a meal plan for the week - everyone gets to contribute, makes sure none of it is anything they actively don't like. Cooked breakfasts weekend only otherwise it's help yourself breakfasts and lunches with lots of options available on the fridge. My 7 year old makes her own Breakfasts and lunches happily, she does not need supervision.

It seems your day sees his dad at your whim. This must be very unsettling. Have fixed days where he goes to his dads. If he wants to stay over you really need to let him, why is his dad letting you dictate this? Is he not that bothered.

You've had plenty advice re consequences so I don't need to repeat but if my dc has ever handed me a device saying it's ok, you can't take the tv away, that tv would be gone before they'd even had time to blink. You do not need to buy your child anything out of guilt. His brother should not have assaulted him but ds should still have faced consequences for the juice incident regardless. Any throwing away of food would have serious consequences. It doesn't matter if he misses a meal just because he's slim, he won't starve, just provide the next meal, but having help yourself breakfast and lunches will massively solve a lot of this. If your ds1 is ordering delivroo he has too much disposable income. Look at charging him some rent (as long as he promises not to assault your child again and apologises, this can not be negotiable) and certainly don't transfer him more money to keep doing so. As I've said this is giving them a hugely unrealistic view of life and doing them zero favours.

Lastly stop lying to the school and reach out to them for support. Get his teacher to give him a call if he responds well to everyone else. You, or someone, is paying for a school that should mean increased pastoral care. My DD's state primary are happily ringing pupils who are finding it hard.

*Those of you telling OP to simply kick her 18 year old son out are not being helpful. Do you know many mothers who would want to do that? Obviously he should not be hurting his brother and that needs to be addressed urgently, but people are being unrealistic about how easy it is to show a child the door just like that, even if they are 18.
*
She only needs to kick him out if he refuses to stop assaulting an 8 year old. I'd expect any mother to follow through with this if necessary, yes. Her adult son can live with his grandmother he wouldn't be homeless

Oh and his girlfriend should not be coming over anyway. We are in lockdown incase you hadn't noticed

Fiddlesticks, I don’t know anyone whose adult son is violent toward their small 8-year-old sibling, AND refuses to stop the violence.
I agree that kicking him out should be a last resort, and the OP hasn’t tried that much for that long! But...IMO this situation is dire and likely to escalate: the OP has no control or influence. 18-year-old might be better away if he is as immature as he sounds - he needs to be kept safe from his own potential for violence as it could well screw his life up too.
It’s a real mess, OP, you need to get professional help and put some hard work and effort in now, not look for internet sympathy for being “tired and weary”, having “a headache” or it being “so unfair they treat you like this”. I’m sure you are fed up and do feel crap, but it’s isn’t about you!

I really think you should give your 8 year old to his Dad. Your actually enjoying wallowing in your own self pity. You enjoy being miserable but your actually making your children miserable as well. Give him to his father so he can have a shot at a normal life. I'd rather live with a fraudster than live with you as well.

Morning,

My mum has spoken to DS(18) he is furious that I called and told her. The thing he said that has upset me is “have you told nan that you can’t control your 8 year old child and he runs the house” he has gone out and has said once lockdown is completely over he doesn’t even want to see me again

@ChiaWatermelon

Morning,

My mum has spoken to DS(18) he is furious that I called and told her. The thing he said that has upset me is “have you told nan that you can’t control your 8 year old child and he runs the house” he has gone out and has said once lockdown is completely over he doesn’t even want to see me again

Why has this upset you? Do you think he’s wrong?

Your 8 year old does run the house though.

I can't condone the violence but otherwise I have to say I'm team DS1!

Well have you?