I have zero authority

[ChiaWatermelon]

Hi,

Mum of two boys here, aged 8 & 18. Looking for some help and advice on how I can become a stronger mother with some authority in my house.

I love both of my sons to bits, and I wouldn’t change them for the world, but sometimes I feel bullied and manipulated, DS (18) isn’t too bad, DS (8) is the problem, I have tried to ignore it hoping that he will grow out of it.

He is very well behaved at school, but at home he is a completely different person

He is miserable, he is always moaning about something.

He is an extremely fussy eater, take this morning for an example, he asked for a salmon cream cheese bagel once out in front of him he decided he didn’t want it.

Since being off school he has refused to join in on the online classes (at the start of the pandemic, the school ordered for every child to get dressed and attend online assembly, he did it the first day then decided that he wasn’t going to do it again)

It’s been a struggle to get him out of the house for daily exercise and supermarket trips, he just sulks the whole time I find myself bribing him with amazon credit.

The list goes on.

Call someone to help...police if needs be. This is very disturbing. If you haven't approached professionals in this area yet, please do it.

I hope DS2 is ok.

is ds2 ok? Whatever "provocation" ds1 thinks he has this time there is no excuse, not this time nor last . He clearly needs help himself.

OP, don't let him back in. Put the door on the chain, pack a bag, put it outside, call a locksmith to get your locks changed and ring the police 101 line to let them know what's happening.

My first thought was to wonder what your 8yo did to provoke him. Which is absolutely not excusable from the 18yo. I hope he's ok.
This is now turning toxic and abusive. I can't offer anymore advice than what has already been repeatedly said

I am not condoning my sons behaviour, DS(8) woke up in a terrible mood, knocked his glass of juice off the table, DS(18) told him to clean it up he wouldn’t. DS(18) grabbed him from his chair with threw him down.

OP,

DS1 is losing control if he reacts in a temper & now violently to provocation. There were no consequences for him on the last occasion it happened so, although you are shocked, upset & saying it is unacceptable (all the right sounds), you did nothing to prevent a reoccurrence.

You need to deal with this head-on now. DS1 cannot come back into the house until this has been properly addressed & certainty that it will not reoccur. DS2 needs to be protected from violence. He clearly has his own behavioural problems which need to be addressed. Step up OP, stop being passive right now. Get help, call police, take action.

Your 8yr old needs consequences, but they should never be violent. You need to keep him safe from his brother. Please, OP, please do not let your adult son back in the house.

DS18 has called me, he said that he is not having it anymore and that his friends little brothers don’t behave like his brother and that he will keep doing it until he learns some respect for me and he doesn’t care and it is what it is.

Their nice safe world is being shaken up and they are reacting to that and fighting the changes. It's normal.

Was your ex violent towards you? I am concerned about your older ds assaulting his brother. That is not acceptable. Can you sit him down when he is calm and talk to him about it? I think you may have already tried that though? Maybe he needs consequences imposed on him too? The only thing I can think of fromwhat you've said on this thread is taht you refuse the Deliveroo deliveries.

You have made changes, that is clear so congratulations for that. Perhaps meal planning for a whole week with their input - you all sit down together and sort out 7 days' worth of menu - would help. That takes the food, choosing, etc right out of the picture, deals with it all in one fell swoop once a week.

Ok. Tell him he also needs to learn respect and that he can start showing that respect by moving out until he can control himself.

You need to tell him that you are the parent and you are dealing with your younger son not him and violence is not to be tolerated.

He needs to move out OP. He's as part of the problem here.

@Jux

No he wasn’t violent towards me, I would never allow something like that to happen to me.

I am not going to make DS(18) leave the house.

[quote ChiaWatermelon]@Jux

No he wasn’t violent towards me, I would never allow something like that to happen to me.

I am not going to make DS(18) leave the house.[/quote]
But you have allowed it to happen to your small child. Twice.

Right, so what are you going to do?

You do realise you are failing in your duty of care to ensure your youngest son is both physically and emotionally safe, in allowing your older son to physically assault him?

I am not going to make DS(18) leave the house.

What the hell is wrong with you? Are you afraid of him?

He is violently abusing your child, you have to make him leave! You have a duty of care, as a parent, to your 8yr old!

He's going to keep assaulting your kid, and eventually someone will notice, SS will be called and you'll be in a world of shit for not protecting your little one.

What a strange thing to say?
If I were in your situation I'd rather my 18yo hurt me than my 8yo
Well, I'd rather nobody hurt nobody.

How would you feel if DS1 assaulted you? Would it take that for you to ask him to go? You have a duty of care for your 8 year old child against a man who has assaulted him and says he will do it again.

Now is the time for action

I am going to speak with DS(18) when he comes home, I will make him understand that it can’t happen again.

DS(8) is very shaken up, he said that he wants to be in his room by himself.

No he wasn’t violent towards me, I would never allow something like that to happen to me.

Are you saying you allowed him to hurt your boy?

Chia, this has to be your line in the sand. You cannot allow violence in your home. Your DS(18) must be told that this will not be tolerated. And by told, I mean not just words, but an actual consequence.

I will make him understand that it can’t happen again.

You said that last time.

How will this time be different, since you refuse to give him any consequence?

[quote ChiaWatermelon]@Jux

No he wasn’t violent towards me, I would never allow something like that to happen to me.

I am not going to make DS(18) leave the house.[/quote]
Chia,

You are just starting to see signs of improvement with DS8, but you still don’t seem to understand that DS18 is acting out in just the same way but on a larger scale.

If you can’t keep DS8 safe you are going to end up in a world of trouble. Imagine if it came down to a choice between social services taking DS8 into care and DS18 leaving your home which would you choose?

I’m sorry to be dramatic but that’s where this could go.

In order to make progress DS8 has to trust you, by refusing to protect him from his brother you are damaging any trust between you.

Your older boy is rebelling against your changes by fixing on his brother as the problem, thereby excusing himself from any responsibility.

You are doing really well with your younger boy, but you have to get a grip on the older one too. He is telling you that he won’t stop hurting his brother, you can’t allow that.

Please look up the chap that @fuckinghellthisshit recommended a few pages ago. You can’t solve this on your own.

Surely you told him last time and he still did it again. I'm afraid to say that you are not protecting your child, no excuses.

What did you say to 8yo for knocking the glass of juice off the table and not picking it up?