I have zero authority

[ChiaWatermelon]

Hi,

Mum of two boys here, aged 8 & 18. Looking for some help and advice on how I can become a stronger mother with some authority in my house.

I love both of my sons to bits, and I wouldn’t change them for the world, but sometimes I feel bullied and manipulated, DS (18) isn’t too bad, DS (8) is the problem, I have tried to ignore it hoping that he will grow out of it.

He is very well behaved at school, but at home he is a completely different person

He is miserable, he is always moaning about something.

He is an extremely fussy eater, take this morning for an example, he asked for a salmon cream cheese bagel once out in front of him he decided he didn’t want it.

Since being off school he has refused to join in on the online classes (at the start of the pandemic, the school ordered for every child to get dressed and attend online assembly, he did it the first day then decided that he wasn’t going to do it again)

It’s been a struggle to get him out of the house for daily exercise and supermarket trips, he just sulks the whole time I find myself bribing him with amazon credit.

The list goes on.

@DoIneed1

He has OCD.

Your DS wants to be safe and you've given him games??

Older DS "would never punch or kick" - like that would be worse than throwing him to the ground??

Stop making excuses. Either use the tools given to you by this thread and also contact a professional, or stop posting excuses. You didn't want to parent so you, as usual, took the path of least resistance. This is how you end up with children like yours and nothing is going to change.

Im so fucking angry reading this OP.

OP, I dont think you realise how serious this is

If your youngest told me, as a teacher, that his 18 year old brother was being physcial/violent with him in the way you have described, I would have no choice but to raise it as a safeguarding concern and we would be making a SS referral.

More than that, if I knew you, your name and where you live, I'd be making a referral myself.

This is not acceptable. You have no control over this situation and one of your children is being hurt.

And, frankly, I think your comment that you wouldn't allow him to treat you in this way is disgusting.

What would settle him is to know he has a home he can feel safe in. Instead he remembers being in pain all day - and knows that could happen again at any time.

It's not about you. It's not about whether you feel 'so tired and drained', whether you feel 'you can't do this', whether your 18 year old would never hurt you.

You're actually the person who should have and should be, doing the work, of parenting your sons. You haven't, and you aren't.

I feel so sorry for your sons. Both of them. There's a reason why the 18 year old is behaving the way he is, and there's a reason why the 8 year old is behaving the way he is. Both of them are behaving the ways they are because of the way they have not been parented. And it's potentially (given your reluctance to put in any sort of real hard yards, and that one of them is now legally an adult, with an adult males physical abilities and presence) far too late now.

You sound like a terrible parent who clearly doesn't have either of your kids best interests at heart. You're lazy you don't want to discipline so now the 18 yo feels like he has to. You're bribing your kids to love you with a load of stuff they don't need. Ridiculous excuses

I know you don’t want to kick DS1 out, but I’m really struggling to understand why you’re not even considering it after today’s developments.

He’s assaulted your 8yr old again, and, what’s more, he’s told you that he’s not sorry that he intends to keep hitting your 8yr old if he misbehaves!

Can’t you understand that your 8 yr old needs to be protected here?
He’s a child. Your 18 yr old is legally an adult, with an adult’s strength. There’s no way at all this can be equated to a bit of rough and tumble between siblings of a similar age and strength as JudyGemstone suggested.

And all this ”DS(18) would never punch or kick him“ .... well, a month ago, would you have been saying that you could easily imagine DS(18) throwing his younger brother across a room or assaulting him over some spilt juice? Would you really?

Seriously, your 18 year old is allowed to hurt your 8yr old but if he tried to hurt you that would become unacceptable???
Both your kids are well and truly screwed. I foresee domestic abuse and mental health issues for both.
Until you said that OP I thought you were onboard with trying to sort this.

If nothing else, OP, talk to your 18 year old and ask him what he thinks would have happened if your 8 year old's head had been cracked open requiring stitches?

A and E would have asked him alone, as is standard, how it happened. Your 8 year old would have told them. And then your 18 year old would have a criminal record ruining the rest of his life, because he's an adult who attacked a child.

Seriously, have a word. Point that out, because I doubt he's considered it from what you're saying.

You say you would never have allowed ex to be violent towards you - that's great. What you need to do now is give that attitude to ds. How did you develop that belief that you would not allow anyone to be violent towards you? Where did that self-belief, that sense of worth come from? That's what your young ds needs from you.

Right now, he's learning that people can be violent towards him, that he can be physically hurt, that being afraid at home is OK. I know you don't believe that and you don't want him to believe that either, but that's what he's learning. Right now.

You need family counselling desperately and urgently. Can you ring CAMHS and tell them that things are deteriorating into violence and you badly need to nip this in the bud before it becomes completely normalised? You have to do something like that. You've got to stop your children behaving the way they do, and that includes your older son't violence towards your younger son.

At the very leasts, phone your gp and tell them what's going on and ask for help. You'll get SS sent to you, but they'll help too, so don't be afraid of them.

DS(8) is now asleep, I went in and spoke to DS(18) again I have told him that it must not happen again, and that he is his big brother and is suppose to be setting an example.

Once again he has said that he doesn’t care and it’s for the best because he will start behaving soon, he said that he doesn’t want to do it or find pleasure in doing it but it’s the only way.

He then went on to say that he never misbehaved when he was his age (which is true) I never had any problems with him, he was always well behaved.

My life is a mess, I ask myself every night why is this happening to me. I’m not a bad person!

You may not be a bad person, but you're a bad parent. Your son is telling you he's going to keep hurting your 8yr old. What are you going to do to make him stop?

Have you followed any of the links people have suggested?

I’ve suggested ‘Magic 123’ and the Action for Children advice line. Have you looked into them?

Others have suggested psychologists who could help the whole family. Have you followed those up?

Um, OP, you're not the victim here. Stop bleating on about poor little ol' you.

I get it. You really don't want to have to own up to the crap job you've done parenting your kids, which has resulted in the situation where they are behaving in the way in which they are, and it's just so hard on you, and you really don't want to have to do any work beyond weeping and wailing about poor you.

However, you are THE parent. You are the one with the rights and responsibilities with your younger son to protect him from your failure of an older son.

You have a legal duty of care. You have a legal (and can be held criminally liable if you abrogate it) duty of care to ensure your 8 year old son's physical and emotional safety and wellbeing. You are not doing this.

Because it's too hard and gives you a fucking headache?

If I knew where you were I'd be reporting you to Social Services. Your son has now been assaulting twice in his home and you've done nothing.
You seem to just helplessly report that older DS will do it again.
You should be ashamed of yourself.

I think your unwillingness to protect your vulnerable child is disgusting.

I'm now suspicious that your restrictions on his staying with his dad have selfish motives as well...

Is it all about looking good?

I am going to call my mum, she will speak to DS(18)

I am trying it’s just so hard!

I don't think you're a bad person @chia but you're a shit parent. I kind of understand where DS1 is coming from. He's trying to help you patent but he's 18 and hasn't had any guidance on being a parent so thinks this is how to get his brother into line. This isn't okay but it's also not his fault as he's never had an example of good parenting! You need serious help. I feel you're a bit narcissistic. You pretend it's all about your kids but it's actually about your easy life and throwing money at it, thinking that's the way to solve the hard times.

I don't know why I'm saying this given that you've ignored everyone else but at this stage, here's what I'd do in order of priority

1. Tell DS1 that you're aware you've not patented DS2 well but you're trying and he needs to stay out of it or move out

1. DS1 needs to pay board or help more around house. It's non negotiable that he must apologise to DS2 and promise it won't happen again and that you reinforce the message

1. DS2 needs routine including school work daily. He can pick one weekend meal per week, so can DS1. You pick the other 4

1. DS2 earns screen time for behaving or has time without if not

I'm not a perfect parent. I also have an 8yo who is sometimes horrible, but she is not in charge. Not now, not when she's 18. I am the parent!

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start remembering parenting is fucking tough sometimes, even when you disciplined properly from day 1. There are no excuses. This is all on you!

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas

I am not a selfish person, I don’t want DS(8) staying over night with his dad because the last time I let him stay, he didn’t stick to the agreement!

My sons father is a hacker and fraudster, and has some very bad people around him, would you feel comfortable letting your son stay overnight? NO YOU WOULDN’T so please don’t say I’m selfish!!

So now you're going to abdicate parenting your kids to your parent?

I wonder how long DS1 has seen himself as the adult of the family. And you as some harmless thing, half pet, half servant.