I'm raising a spoilt kid and it's my own fault.

[WhySeaEmm]

Just that, really. DS is almost 10 and has no concept of money. He is SO spoilt and just throws money away. He is constantly asking for more, more, more.

This is my doing because I usually cave in and give him more, much to the OH's pained looks. I have issues around wanting him to want for nothing after a poor childhood myself. I should say we can afford it luckily, but I don't want him being terrible with money.

He gets £9 a week pocket money which he's allowed to spend on whatever he likes. That's basically vbucks and roblox which makes me feel a bit sick. But the whole point of his own pocket money was that he could spend it on shite he liked. BUT that's where the problems begin. We go to the supermarket and he wants a toy... and begs and pleads... sometimes I give in (and then feel dreadful afterwards). He spends his money on Roblox on payday, then a day or two later he's asking me for 99p for more. Again, sometimes I give in. He also gets £10 whenever he sees grandparents, 1/2 times a month.

I know I NEED to just say no but it's really difficult for me. He absolutely will not save, I've tried so hard to explain savings to him but he just can't seem to manage it. He did once manage to save up £100 for a Switch but I paid the rest.

Any advice gratefully received, I know I'm in a mess and really want things to change.

That’s too much pocket money for a nine year old.
I’m sorry but there is no magical solution for this, you will have to say no and be consistent.

could you try a go henry card? link to website. it allows you to set spending limits for a specific app, so you could set a limit of £3 on fortnite and £3 on roblox for instance, and then get him save the other £3 in his account. Because its controlled via your account, you can't just hand over another 50p etc

Well you have two choices. Toughen up or carry on indulging.

At 9 he is old enough to get it now. You just need to explain it and be consistent.

DS from now on your pocket money is the only money you will be getting. You won’t be bought anything else so it’s up to you to decide whether you want to spend it all straight away or keep some incase you see something you want later on. Mum and dad won’t be buying you anything else and any whingeing or begging will result in less pocket money for you next week so don’t do it.”

It's going to be hard to re-set the situation if you can't say 'no' to his requests for more money. Would you consider a pre-paid card?
www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/cards-for-under-18s/

£9 is an odd amount, why did you settle on that figure?

He doesn't need to save his money. You're right that he should spend it on what he wants (unless it's something inappropriate). But £9 a week is excessive for a 9yo and you definitely need to learn to say no when he asks for more. No strategy needed - just say no.

Why does he get do much money each week?

It’ll be so much easier to fix this now than in 5/6 years time OP!

Have you got the money to be paying off his debbts in adulthood? My son in law cost his parents around £20k. You're not raising a 'spoilt kid', you're raising someone who will always live beyond their means. Money management id a basic skill that you aren't teaching him.

We all have a budget that we have to live by. A lot of my DD's friends are constantly in around £10k of debt and it goes on nothing. This has to be stopped now.

@Choice4567 £1 for each year I'm guessing.

Can't add anything to what pps have said I'm afraid, it's all about consistency and sticking to your guns.

He's definitely old enough to get the concept. And also to know that if he pleads, you'll cave.

DD, when she was 6 was old enough to understand the concept of pocket money. She'd ask for a dvd in the shop. I'd say she could indeed buy it. "With my money or with your money?" she'd ask. And if I said "With your money," she'd say no and leave it most of the time.

That's the purpose of pocket money. Next time he asks, tell him yes, but it'll come out of his £9 and see what happens. Then follow through and take it out of his £9.

You need to say no, every single time. It’s good you’ve spotted it now as spoiled children grow into spoiled adults and that’s horrible. I do think it would be good to encourage him to learn how to save too. I think you need to reduce the pocket money - it’s far too much.

Every time he asks, just tell him no.

Next week give him his allowance minus what you spent above and beyond his allowance for this week.

Do not give in. Do not break, do not negotiate.

OP, you say you are compensating your son for your own deprived childhood. But he doesn’t need compensating - he never suffered that, YOU did.
By all means treat yourself to things that you missed out on. But unless you want to raise an entitled selfish monster, stop spoiling your son.
You are actively harming him, and producing a nightmare partner for his future wife to try and sort out.
You don’t need us to tell you what to do. You already know. Just do it. Kindly but firmly, and explain to your son why it is necessary. And find ways to show him love that don’t involve money. Time, attention, hugs, are all far better for him than cash.

If you give in once he knows there’s always a chance that you will cave in again if he kicks up enough fuss. You just have to be completely consistent and not engage in any discussion or arguments about it. £38 a month should be enough for a 9-year old!

He absolutely will not save, I've tried so hard to explain savings to him but he just can't seem to manage it.

Why do you expect him to manage being sensible with money when you’re not?! You’re not doing him any favours - either financial or otherwise - by giving in to his every demand. If I were your H I’d be furious at you for giving in to whining for an easy life and bringing up my son to be entitled and avaricious.

Stop being a walkover - when he’s a teenager he’s going to absolutely run rings around you if you carry on like this. Only it won’t be roblox, it will be drink, drugs, designer clothing and Apple products you’ll end up footing the bill for!!

Now’s the time to nip it in the bud. If you really can’t stop yourself, maybe you need to make pocket money etc your H’s domain and stay out of it. Any time DS whines for anything you can say “ask your dad” and dad will say no.

@JesusInTheCabbageVan yes that’s the only conclusion I could come to. Just seems quite a lot

It's not too late to start again. But you will have to be strict with yourself! Try and remember you're teaching him a skill rather than depriving him. Pre empt those moments when you know you'll be tempted to give in and have a response ready to go.

So first off I would either set a max limit as to how much he's allowed to spend on virtual currencies, or ban those totally. Those kinds of games are designed to be addictive and keep you putting more and more dosh into them, and a ten year old will struggle to resist that without a hard limit.

Secondly for other stuff you can have a response ready which will prevent you from buying something straight away and instead give him the option to use his pocket money or put it on a kind of wish list to save up. Do you use any budgeting or saving or pocket money apps at all? Those can be really good because it allows you to see the "balance" of his pocket money at any given time. So if he wants something you can check his pocket money account (which could be a real bank account, or just a note on your phone or app) and see if he has enough. If he does, then you give him the opportunity to buy it with his pocket money, although remind him that means there is less money available for other things. If he does not, then you say sorry DS, but you only have £10 at the moment and this is £15. Do you want to save up for it, choose something else or leave it for now? You could even look ahead to his future pocket money pay days and say he will have enough money to buy it in a week. Or say it was a £50 item he wanted. You could say he will have enough for it in five weeks. Or he could save half of his pocket money each week for ten weeks, for example. There are quite a few apps which will let you project these kinds of spending goals into the future to see how long it will take to save for something. This is easier, because you're not saying no, you're saying not right now. Like you probably wouldn't let him eat a load of sweets right before dinner or raid the fridge just as you're making lunch.

Thirdly, if you use the savings apps and he already has a savings goal for item A and then in the shop asks for item B, you can then have a discussion about whether he wants to split off a new savings goal, release the money from item A, adjust the amounts he puts towards different things etc.

I'd look through some apps to start off. You can keep it on your phone (I'd try to find one that can sync with DH's or a family laptop or tablet) and he can look at it when he wants to.

If he asks for a toy in the supermarket just say: Yes of course if you have enough pocket money saved. If you don't, we will come back in a week's time when you do. If he kicks off, just say, 'No, this week I need my money for food.'

There's a clever trick you can do where you 'agree' without giving in,. You say something like: I wish I had loads more money, then I could buy toys as well as food. I don't - but if I did, if I had all the money in the world what toy would you want?'

That way you steer him away from whatever he has his eye on without saying no.

@choice4567 it's his age. We do £1 per year of age

Wow, @Babdoc that hit me right in the feels! "But he doesn’t need compensating - he never suffered that, YOU did." thank you.

To everyone else, thank you. I KNOW I need to just say no. I think I'll have a Big Chat with him tonight and explain I won't be saying yes to anything other than his £9.

Decide on boundaries, stick to them. What you are doing right now is for your own selfish needs and the opposite of being a loving parent. You are ruining your child.

Toughen up I would say, giving in all the time will do him no favours at all. He will just keep asking, and expecting more money when he want's some,if you keep giving in.

You need some assertiveness training OP! It's not good enough to just cave in if he moans, begs wheedles - you need to stand firm. He knows he can manipulate you and isn't listening to your advice and he's only 9. What's going to happen when he's older? What values is he learning?

It's time to get serious - you and DH together - or you're enabling his bratty behaviour. Sorry to sound harsh but get a grip!! Make him do chores for some of his pocket money and don't buy anything for him on supermarket trips.

@BertieBotts great tips, thank you. He has a Monzo account (in my name) which I think allows saving pots, so that could work. I'll put the app on his iPad so he can track his money himself.