I'm raising a spoilt kid and it's my own fault.

[WhySeaEmm]

Just that, really. DS is almost 10 and has no concept of money. He is SO spoilt and just throws money away. He is constantly asking for more, more, more.

This is my doing because I usually cave in and give him more, much to the OH's pained looks. I have issues around wanting him to want for nothing after a poor childhood myself. I should say we can afford it luckily, but I don't want him being terrible with money.

He gets £9 a week pocket money which he's allowed to spend on whatever he likes. That's basically vbucks and roblox which makes me feel a bit sick. But the whole point of his own pocket money was that he could spend it on shite he liked. BUT that's where the problems begin. We go to the supermarket and he wants a toy... and begs and pleads... sometimes I give in (and then feel dreadful afterwards). He spends his money on Roblox on payday, then a day or two later he's asking me for 99p for more. Again, sometimes I give in. He also gets £10 whenever he sees grandparents, 1/2 times a month.

I know I NEED to just say no but it's really difficult for me. He absolutely will not save, I've tried so hard to explain savings to him but he just can't seem to manage it. He did once manage to save up £100 for a Switch but I paid the rest.

Any advice gratefully received, I know I'm in a mess and really want things to change.

DD17 has a friend who asks for money all the time ‘it’s just a quid’ ‘you buy the chips and I’ll share’

Never puts her hand in her own pocket.

DD always says no now since she’s learnt the hard way. Guess what? She begs off others now and they aren’t friends.

Think about that.

Wow, that's a lot of money I got £5 even as a teenager!

Ds gets an allowance of £40 a month and we pay for his phone. He is 18.

@stickerqueen. £35 a WEEK???

Fucking hell.

What does she even spend it on??

Look I assume you give in to him because you want him to like you, but if you're hoping to be a good parent then it follows that your child will sometimes dislike you. It comes with the territory. And look ahead to when he's in his teens and twenties, because people generally don't like someone who is entitled and who expects others to always sub them money.

Hmm £9 a week at 10. My ds is 25 now. At 10 he got 90p pw to spend on tat. For context op we are high earners. His school fees were high, his uni bills were paid. He has £14k in the bank from working post degree and post masters and pre phd.

"No, it's a waste" with a tinkly little laugh. He greatly appreciated his sports tours, uni rent and allowance, etc. We gave him an old banger for his 18th, he cried with happiness. He caddied from the age of 16, on the course at 7.30m. Tips sometimes £50 a round. Saved for things like cameras, Reading, LoveBox, etc.

How is he spending it all on vbucks? Where does he buy them from?

Tell him he will just be getting £9 a week and every time he asks you for something else that will go down by £2.

I used to spend every penny I had as a child, on rubbish and never saved. But I've never been in debt or lived beyond my means. Children generally lack self control. For some that becomes a life's habit, for others it's because they are immature.

Children who are interested in buying and owning things often end up self starters in work/business. So it's not all bad!

I used to have the same problem with the supermarket/amazon pleading/leg pulling. Fact is, I don’t want to raise a brat so it stopped. Now it’s £20 a month on a go Henry card. Has worked wonders as he’s learning to budget wants and needs.

The only exception I make is books- I pay for any book he wants as long as he doesn’t have a backlog gathering dust.

Say no- the tantrums will get shorter. His future partner will thank you for it!

My son is 12 - we got him a Go Henry Card and he does chores for his pocket money. If you work hard at school and do your chores you get the reward. Today he washed my car and earned £4 - he was happy and I was delighted !!!

Also, you want to find some phrases you can mentally replace your current thought patterns with. So when you think things like "Oh, it's only 99p" add on to that "It's only a few days until he gets his pocket money". (ie, he can wait). When you think things like "I remember feeling so terrible when mum/dad said I couldn't have something" remind yourself "This isn't the same, because he has lots of things at home". When you think "He's so upset about not being able to have that" try to think "The shop will still have it next week. He can have it - just not right now and he is in control of when."

Some amazingly helpful replies here, thank you so much everyone.

(and in true Mumsnet fashion, some not so nice/helpful ones. My favourite was the one telling me I'd have unhappy grandchildren)

I just needed the wake up call. Thank you.

For the record though, he does do chores and is generally quite a nice little guy :) OH is much firmer than me but I don't want to hand over control. I want to get a grip on this myself.

I hope you treat yourself to nice things OP now that you can afford to do so. My mum had very little when she was growing up and it took her a long time to learn she could spend her own money on herself.

I hear you OP. My kids don’t get pocket money but I do struggle with the feeling of making sure they don’t miss out on things that I did when I was little.

And on that topic I want to thank babdoc. I think that your comment, for me personally, is the most impactful thing that I’ve read on Mumsnet and I’ve been here a long time. Thank you x

£9/w for a 9yo!
That is far too much.

Mine get £2/w come what may and up to £4/w depending on chores completed.

They usually get £4 or £5

We restated things for all 4 in week 2 of lockdown otherwise it would have cost me a fortune & we felt that it was important to be clear that these were strange times.

My 14 year old gets £20 a month and then I pay £7 a month for his phone contract. He doesn't even spend that. He buys the odd PC game and food.

Can you block in game purchases? Leave him at home when you go to the supermarket if it's too hard to say no straight away?

@81Byerley Lol How much pocket money you want? She buys her own toiletries and buys credit for her phone out her allowance and she buys a new book every week shes a book worm. She good with her money so I don't mind giving would be different if she wasted it.

i never mentioned ds in before he gets no pocket money until he starts primary school.

I say "is it your birthday? Is it Christmas?" to demands for stuff/money.

@00100001 books, phone credit, toiletries, extra money on her lunch card when shes overspent on it, she saves at least £5.00 a week and once a week after school mc d's.

OMG! £9 a week for a 9 year old? Way too much!

I would also have a word with the grandparents, doling out up to £20 a month extra will ruin the lessons you want him to learn. Do they do online banking ? Can you ask them to put money into a savings account for him rather than giving him more cash to burn a hole in his pocket.

THey could buy him a subscription to a hobby magazine or something instead if they want to have something tangible to give him.

It would be a terrible thing for him to expect a handout every time he sees them, which is what might happen. Are they your parents or OH, maybe they are trying to compensate for a time when they had no spare money as well.

Interesting comment that you made ‘my OH is much firmer than me but I don’t want to hand over control’ - is your OH your DS’s Dad? Surely it’s not about ‘control’ but raising your DS together.

£9 a week for a 9 year old is ridiculous - my 17 year old was managing very well on £50 a month which included clothes, toiletries etc - I am sure your DS isn’t buying his own clothes, is he?

Why are you so frightened of just saying ‘no’ to your DS?

Missed the bit about grandparents giving £10 every time they visit . My DPs are very generous towards my DS but the money goes straight into savings & he will eventually get a decent sum towards his first car or deposit for his first home.

The others are right. You need to decide what your rules are and stick to them.

I grew up with strict parents and it annoyed me at the time but I'm so glad now!

Our kids are similar age and they get £10 per MONTH and we have rules about what they can spend it on. If they want extra stuff we help them figure out how long they need to save for, or they put it on birthday/Christmas lists.

They totally understand the rules, sometimes they still ask but we stand firm and they respect that.

(I wish this was the case in other areas... money is one of the only things I feel confident we get right!)

Really pleased you know that you need to tackle this problem - I know from my kids it is always harder worrying about how difficult it is going to be but once you have a plan and start dealing with the problem you will feel a lot better. My two are 16 and 14 and they get £20 a month each - and during lockdown I am donating their pocket money to the foodbank!

My 9 year old does not get any regular pocket money but does get treats from grandparents and occasional payouts when he has done a special job around the house. I don't let him spend it on any old stuff and certainly not online as he would very happily spend it all and the same again on rubbish online games which mean nothing the next day! To me it's very close to gambling for kids!
We all chip in for household chores, you don't get paid for those in adult life so I don't pay for those in childhood either.
I'm not saying this is the right way for everyone but sometimes it helps to hear how others do things to get your own perspective on how you want things to be.