I'm raising a spoilt kid and it's my own fault.

[WhySeaEmm]

Just that, really. DS is almost 10 and has no concept of money. He is SO spoilt and just throws money away. He is constantly asking for more, more, more.

This is my doing because I usually cave in and give him more, much to the OH's pained looks. I have issues around wanting him to want for nothing after a poor childhood myself. I should say we can afford it luckily, but I don't want him being terrible with money.

He gets £9 a week pocket money which he's allowed to spend on whatever he likes. That's basically vbucks and roblox which makes me feel a bit sick. But the whole point of his own pocket money was that he could spend it on shite he liked. BUT that's where the problems begin. We go to the supermarket and he wants a toy... and begs and pleads... sometimes I give in (and then feel dreadful afterwards). He spends his money on Roblox on payday, then a day or two later he's asking me for 99p for more. Again, sometimes I give in. He also gets £10 whenever he sees grandparents, 1/2 times a month.

I know I NEED to just say no but it's really difficult for me. He absolutely will not save, I've tried so hard to explain savings to him but he just can't seem to manage it. He did once manage to save up £100 for a Switch but I paid the rest.

Any advice gratefully received, I know I'm in a mess and really want things to change.

my kids get their age per month not per week! I am quite mean. And nothing for chores - as a pp says, they live in the house, it's a shared responsibility.

Although once I did set up a Go Henry card for my dd and she somehow linked it to my bank account. There didn't seem to be a limit on what she was spending!

I agree OP, you just need to say no. I think you also need to look at why you're so scared to say no. My ds is 12 and doesn't even spend his pocket money (it goes into his bank account). He barely asks for anything ever.

do you never buy your kid a toy in the supermarket just because they want one

My DC are past the toy age but, no, I never randomly bought them a toy just because they wanted one. New toys were for Christmas and birthdays. They did get (and I'm guessing your DC does too) lots of presents on those, so it's not like they were deprived. I think not buying something just because you want it is actually a good life lesson for anyone tbh.

Does your DC regularly play with every toy that he owns, or does she want new things "just because"? Perhaps you should encourage him to make use of what he already has?

sometimes it's just nice to buy him a present.

Kids have so so much these days. They don't need random presents. And a present isn't really a present if he's pestered the crap out of you for it.

OP, I guess it depends on the age but at about 9/10, they never really asked for toys and rarely came to the supermarket. However they both loved books so from time to time we'd go into town and they could choose a book. They got gifts for good school reports. When they were younger and in the supermarket, I wouldn't go near the toy aisle unless I was prepared to but them something. It wouldn't be a tenner or more though, usually a little car or mini lego set or a comic or a dvd to share or something. It's okay to have a treat sometimes just because of nothing. But it's not really a treat if you get something every time you go.

It is sometimes nice to buy them a present and it's nice when they don't expect it too.

As adult teen students, neither of mine are particularly spendthrift. DS2 is living away for Uni and has said he's disappointed in himself as he has spent quite a lot in his first year just on going out or drinking and eating in. I said if he has enjoyed it then no point worrying about it now. Just draw a line and move on and do better at setting a budget next year. He is dyspraxic and struggles more with this kind of stuff but is definitely trying harder. DS1 could do with spending more and saving less to be honest. he tends not to socialise and then will treat himself occasionally to some expensive piece for his computer.

Think of it that you have about another 9 years to get him sorted, he is still young enough to get him on the straight and narrow, i'd also introduce the facts about how little some people have to live on and encourage him to donate some toys to local charities when that becomes possible again.

Once you have insight into this issue which is about you, you will be able to draw appropriate boundaries for your son.
Be kind to yourself but understand you must address this issue in order to be kind to your son and to teach him to be an adult. Kids prefer boundaries.
Perhaps seek some counselling to chat through the past and to work through whatever loss you're still dealing with in the here and now. Good luck and well done for spotting it! Many parents wouldn't have the awareness to notice their unhelpful behaviours and the impact they have on their kids.

How does he cope with others telling him no? His teachers or grandparents?

When DS was little he used to have a real problem with gift shops at attractions like zoos. He would always want to go in and would then fall in love with this or that toy.

What worked for him was managing expectations. Before going into any attraction we would tell him that we would not be going into the gift shop on any account. This seemed to work for him. He was perfectly happy knowing that a rule had been set.

My parents never denied me anything although they did explain when we (as a family, I was not made to feel like it was their money they were spending on me) couldn’t afford something. I think I’m ok with managing money. I do spend money on things that some would think I probably shouldn’t like an not cheap dress every now and then or a coffee but I see it as an opportunity cost thing. Yes I could invest the money and maybe have £15 instead of £3 in forty years time or I could buy myself a better mood every now and then making me more productive, better as a parents/spouse etc. In general I don’t go crazy and I guess I spend much less on unnecessary things than the average person. That said I did watch my parents go through some hard times so maybe that helped. It certainly has made me braver about how I use my money. I’d never treat a house as an investment or let my money languish in a savings account for example.

Get an app ( we use roaster money) DD gets 15 pounds a month. A third is for saving towards something big ( at the moment she wants a Polaroid camera) a third is to give ( she picks a charity each month) a third is to spend on any thing she wants.

DD is 10 and has stopped asking for random crap and understands that once her money is go it is gone. She also is learning that this is what we do with our money - divided up into spend save give ( though not an equal third into each for us)

You DS doesn't want for anything but he will be a brat if you carry on like this.

I only bought toys at birthdays and Christmas after DS turned 3. Before that I think they are more important developmentally so I would buy the odd small thing year round. Nothing wrong with school aged children saving for weeks if they do want something.

No, I never bought my D.C. a toy in the supermarket, like others, I never went in the toy aisles. I had a young relative who ‘expected’ and was bought, a toy or treat every single time she went out with her parents ... at 22 she’s now on her 3rd car (which she doesn’t pay for herself).

My nearly 13 year old gets £20 a month, sounds like I'm tight compared to 🤣

What on earth do you buy a 9 year old in the supermarket that he doesn't already have?

You could maybe start with a clear out of his toys and putting them neatly in containters to take to oxfam or somewhere for kids less fortunate. The house must be stuffed with them. Then putting the ones he really values somewhere tidily.

Presents are for birthdays and Christmas. Online shopping is the way to go - no temptation to buy toys regularly.

Make an agreement before you go to the supermarket ‘ds you can’t keep buying stuff so today, we’re not buying anything that we don’t need. If you see something you really want, I’m taking it out of your pocket money’ and stick to it.

Do you give money to any charities op? I get my dc involved in some charity stuff and sometimes ask if they’d like to add a couple of £’s to a donation or buy a packet of biscuits with their money for the food bank.
It can really help to adjust attitude.

I don’t buy toys in the supermarket. If he really wants something it’ll either be for birthday or just a random surprise present. But he doesn’t actually ask for anything. Except a remote control car. He’ll get one for his birthday in 6 months.

Very deprived childhood here, one of six dc, parents had really well paid jobs but stepfather had alcohol issues and too many mouths meant we got nothing. Three of my siblings did what you did with their kids and they are really not useful members of society. Two in particular are lazy leeches and they are now coming up to 30.

Just remember your dc will sometimes not like you and you do have to say no.

Does your DS receive “physical” money, or is it all online? I wonder if his attitude to physical money would be different.

At 9/10yo, our DCs had pocket money jars and they blumin loved watching them fill up

Around that age, we started “loaning” them money if they wanted something while we were out. I would write them little notes for the loans and write them out receipts for their payments. Still do actually! They find it silly/fun and it means they’re always quick sharp to repay

My 14 & 15 yo get €70 a month and that buys all clothes, sports stuff, presents etc. They've all bought their own clothes etc from 10ish with a set allowance - initially €30/month. I pay phone, Netflix, Spotify and travel. Everything else is on them. You are so so far away from this it's frankly worrying.

We have always banned in game purchases and you need to start there frankly.

In your shoes I'd say ask OH every time knowing he'll say no. Talk to the grandparents too. Get everyone on the same page.

There's another book I'd recommend and it's called the Entitlement Trap. A bit American but excellent thought process. Please do read the book recommendations - they'll help change your rather messed up thought process. Sorry for being harsh but I work with a lot of prince and princess young adults and their thought processes are extraordinary (and not in a good way).

Personally I use the word ‘no’ quite a lot
I’m the adult. My no is final

Op give yourself permission to say no. Yes there’s moaning but tough.
No is no -If the pocket money is spent Too bad

OP here’s a little glimpse into your future if you don’t sort this out now!!

Just. Say. No.

You're not doing him any favours.

Manage expectations before going into the supermarket. Tell him he isnt going to get to look at the toys and you wont be buying him anything. If he behaves on the way round then tell him 'well done' but dont then give him a treat.

It probably sounds daft but we still say 'well done everyone' after a family outing, the DCs are now in their 20s with jobs

Thanks everyone for all the advice!

Well we had a Big Chat last night and I told him his pocket money is all he's getting from now on, and only half of it can be spent on online games. I said I wouldn't be saying yes to anything else, i.e in supermarkets etc, and no extras during the week.

As expected, he was very sulky and I felt like Bad Cop BUT I didn't comfort him, I just carried on with dinner like what I'd said was no big deal. I just ignored his pouting.

I also spoke to my Dad last night and asked him to put £10 a month into DS's bank account, but not give anymore when we visit. This will stop him expecting money every time we're there, which is something I hate to be honest. So I think that's progress. He said he enjoys spoiling DS, and I understand cos so do I, but we've agreed to wait for Christmas and birthday (which is right in the middle of the year luckily).

I feel LOADS better about it all today. I am just going to work on saying no and there's been so much great advice in this thread, thank you, especially about how to reframe my thinking.

do you never buy your kid a toy in the supermarket just because they want one?

Yes, it's nice to buy treats but it feels much more special if it's occasional and a surprise not as a result of Muuuum can I have ...?

I found that the best way to deal with all the Muuum I want a .... was to say Great, put it on a shopping list or wish list so you remember what you want.

Miraculously 90% of the things ds desperately wanted on day one, he'd have changed his mind about by day 2.