I'm raising a spoilt kid and it's my own fault.

[WhySeaEmm]

Just that, really. DS is almost 10 and has no concept of money. He is SO spoilt and just throws money away. He is constantly asking for more, more, more.

This is my doing because I usually cave in and give him more, much to the OH's pained looks. I have issues around wanting him to want for nothing after a poor childhood myself. I should say we can afford it luckily, but I don't want him being terrible with money.

He gets £9 a week pocket money which he's allowed to spend on whatever he likes. That's basically vbucks and roblox which makes me feel a bit sick. But the whole point of his own pocket money was that he could spend it on shite he liked. BUT that's where the problems begin. We go to the supermarket and he wants a toy... and begs and pleads... sometimes I give in (and then feel dreadful afterwards). He spends his money on Roblox on payday, then a day or two later he's asking me for 99p for more. Again, sometimes I give in. He also gets £10 whenever he sees grandparents, 1/2 times a month.

I know I NEED to just say no but it's really difficult for me. He absolutely will not save, I've tried so hard to explain savings to him but he just can't seem to manage it. He did once manage to save up £100 for a Switch but I paid the rest.

Any advice gratefully received, I know I'm in a mess and really want things to change.

(and in true Mumsnet fashion, some not so nice/helpful ones. My favourite was the one telling me I'd have unhappy grandchildren)

I was trying to help you get your strength (which you asked for) by making you see the possible long term consequences. Too bad that you choose to be offended instead.

Way way way too much money, my DS is nearly 12 and gets about 2 quid a week.

Definitely no spending on any computer games and I get a level of control on what he does it on e.g. no spending on a whim, he has to go home and think about it rather than buy random stuff in the shops.

The answer to him asking me to buy stuff for him when we are out is always no, so he has learnt not to ask for anything finally.

£9 a week is a lot. I'd cut it down to £1 a week. And ask the grandparents to stop giving him money. They can put it in an account for him if they like. My DD is 15 and gets £5 a week.

Children should earn pocket money.

@joystir59 Are you serious?! You're telling OP to effectively 'steal' the money from grandparents in order to fund the pocket money she gives her son?

@joystir59 That's incredibly cruel! Taking away his extra treat from his grandparents and pocketing it ? That is appalling

No I'm sorry if that's how it came across. I meant that there should be a consistent amount of pocket money which which could come from.either grandparents or parents. Or both, as long as child cannot play adults off against each other

because I can see that this has been a tough thread for you and no-one hands out a manual in the postnatal ward.

But, you have a really small window of opportunity to get a grip on this before peer-pressure properly kicks in. You have had some good advice on this thread about encouraging him to budget. I would add:

Really try to cut back on the online gaming or anything where there is the potential for in-game purchases. Unless there is some way of selling your assets in the game, he is literally spending money on thin air! Destroy a £10 note in front of his eyes if you really want to get the point across. At least if he was spending it on toys or collectibles, he could sell or pass them onto another child in a few years.

Once lockdown is over avoid physical shops if you can. Leave him at home with your OH when you go to the supermarket or shop online. If you go to a shopping centre at the weekends, try to get out of the habit of shopping as a leisure activity. I know that everything is odd at the moment, but use it as an opportunity to set new habits.

DO NOT raise the money on his next birthday. Are you really going to give him £936 a year when he is 18? Tell him it was linked to the last digit of 2019 and that it can either stay at £9 or go back to 0 for 2020 (evil laugh!).

Don't be afraid of the pushback. Adopt a firm but fair persona.

'Yes, I am saying no, but it's my job as your mum to say no if something's not right for you'.

Any strict or scary teachers at his school? Pretend you are one of them when you have to have these confrontations. How would Mrs X handle it?

My ds is 4 and from he was younger ive drummed it into him that if mummy has no pennies neither of us we will get x y and z nice thing but if i do then if hes been good he gets the toy or book hes been coveting (within reasonable amount of course). He has the odd tantrum about wanting something that he cant have but apart from that hes good

@dementedma You pay pocket money to an 18 year old man?! AND pay for his phone????

I'd been living alone paying rent & bills for 2 years by that age!

Wow how different people are these days

@dementedma Oh and I'd been working 80 hour weeks for 3 years by that age, also

Cannot believe how much pocket money some of these kids are getting on here. Insane!!!!

The amount of pocket money being given out these days is insanity - what 11 or 12 year old needs £35 A WEEK?!

Genuine question to those of you giving £1 or £2 a week- do you never buy your kid a toy in the supermarket just because they want one? Cos they're £10-15 and I can't imagine saving up a pound a week for that long.

I definitely, definitely spoil the shit out of DS (which I'm going to work on) but also sometimes it's just nice to buy him a present.

I don’t think it would be fair to decrease the amount he gets. That’s like your job cutting your salary, and we all know especially now how hard that is (I do appreciate the child doesnt have bills to pay).

He won’t have to save if you keep giving in. You are the reason why he isnt learning. And now you will be the reason that he does learn how to be responsible with money because you
will give him a good example.

You and DH should discuss this and be a united front. Go Henry is a great idea. As is saving up for holidays next year or a big toy.

Yeah, but he doesn't live on his own. He lives at home having just left school. He is a musician and has had all planned gigs, shows and concerts cancelled for the foreseeable future do to Covid so had lost all income. He spends the money we give him on guitar strings and bass kit towards his career. He has saved up to buy new basses to widen his portfolio and practises for hours every day. I dont have a problem with giving him a tenner a week towards that.

You need to tolerate feeling mean saying ‘no’ to him now, to be kind to the future him. You won’t be doing him any favours by leading him to believe there are no limits to what he spends, that he doesn’t need to budget, and that he’s entitled to have what he wants instantly.

You don’t need to tell him anything. You actually need to start doing it. There is no discussion here. When he next asks for something, say yes - from your pocket money.

Write rules for yourself with your dh and keep them on your phone and read then just before you are going into a testing environment like a shop.

1. Nothing given beyond ds’s pocket money (no loans or ill pay you backs when in a shop). Help him by reminding him to take his wallet when you go to the shop/town.
2. If he saves money towards a larger item, you match the same amount (rewards saving behaviour)
3. Agree jobs he needs to do if he wants to increase his income, but only for tasks beyond what chores he already does (do not pay him for tidying his room, making his bed, washing up - those are standard tasks!) - creates link between work and money - eg £2 for washing the car, £5 for mowing lawn or weeding a bed, 50p for hoovering.
4. If he breaks it, he loses it - it’s not replaced. Teaches to value things they’ve been given.

Do not break the rules. You are putting your feelings above his emotional and personal development. He makes you feel bad so you stop yourself feeling guilty/upset/frustrated by giving in to his tantrum and you get a temporary high from his temporary happiness. But you will create an unhappy man, who is likely to grow up to be entitled, lazy - and miserable that things don’t go his way, or that he might struggle with meaningful relationships.

He is only 9 and will have many good qualities. It’s your job to make sure he isn’t conditioned into negative behaviour that will ultimately diminish his naturally good qualities. You have time. You can do this!

My 11yo gets €15 a month and no, generally I don't buy him toys any more. Although tricky because he doesn't especially want toys now. Occasionally if I see a book I think he would like I might get it for him, but usually it gets added to a birthday/Christmas list. If I wanted to get him a treat it would likely be some popcorn, a milkshake or a t-shirt. Those are the things he likes, and that's about the amount I'd spend on something little from the supermarket as a surprise.

If I think back I started the pocket money thing when he was about 3 because every time we were in the supermarket he'd beg for a comic and I thought it was a waste of money (and a bit much) to get him one every single time. So he had to earn 5 behaviour stars and then he was allowed to buy one. He'd get one about every 1-2 weeks. We went to the supermarket several times a week as I didn't have a car. He got pretty good at waiting for that fifth star and seemed to really enjoy the comic for the waiting for it.

I don't think I have ever really bought the £10-15 toys from the supermarket except when they are babies and toys are pretty much how they learn about the world. Even then, I did more buying second hand, and don't buy things every time. Clothes are my weakness, but I try to keep an eye on what sizes they're in and how many things they have and buy ahead and squirrel them away. Also use sales to get bargains. The thing about new items is that they will be there in the shop the next time I'm in there. And if not I can probably get that item on amazon or something if I really want it, so there is no rush and imperative to buy it now. Usually I try to hold off and see if I really want something rather than just Impulse buying all the time anyway.

To be honest we do not even go near the toy aisle most times we go into a supermarket. We are there to shop for food, not look at toys.

I meant no unkindness. I am a piece of shit, for trying to be helpful and getting it so wrong. I only deserve bad things.

If he wants a toy or magazine he saves for it - it’s simple!!
Just say no. Ignore his demands, you giving in sometimes makes it worthwhile carrying on nagging.
Honestly.. it’s not hard!

I didn’t get regular pocket money and I rarely got random presents bought for me. I wasn’t much older than your DS when I started to earn a bit of cash by doing additional chores (on top of my list of weekly jobs around the house). I got my first mobile at 12 on the condition that I used my own birthday and Christmas money for top ups, and if I wanted an extra £10 top up here and there I had to do a basket of ironing.

9yo is old enough to understand the value of money. You definitely need to sit him down and talk about this. If he wants to spend his pocket money on shite then that’s fine, but he can’t bargain with you for more.

I can’t imagine saving up a pound a week for that long

I think that’s part of the problem, OP. Having to save up and wait is exactly how your DS will learn the value of money! Delayed gratification and all that. He will get a better appreciation of what is really important to him, instead of indulging temporary whims, and will have time to look forward to getting the thing he is really keen on. And anyway, if he is being encouraged to save his (very generous) pocket money, he’ll have a certain amount of savings to use, and won’t have to wait as long to save up the balance for the particular toy.