I'm raising a spoilt kid and it's my own fault.

[WhySeaEmm]

Just that, really. DS is almost 10 and has no concept of money. He is SO spoilt and just throws money away. He is constantly asking for more, more, more.

This is my doing because I usually cave in and give him more, much to the OH's pained looks. I have issues around wanting him to want for nothing after a poor childhood myself. I should say we can afford it luckily, but I don't want him being terrible with money.

He gets £9 a week pocket money which he's allowed to spend on whatever he likes. That's basically vbucks and roblox which makes me feel a bit sick. But the whole point of his own pocket money was that he could spend it on shite he liked. BUT that's where the problems begin. We go to the supermarket and he wants a toy... and begs and pleads... sometimes I give in (and then feel dreadful afterwards). He spends his money on Roblox on payday, then a day or two later he's asking me for 99p for more. Again, sometimes I give in. He also gets £10 whenever he sees grandparents, 1/2 times a month.

I know I NEED to just say no but it's really difficult for me. He absolutely will not save, I've tried so hard to explain savings to him but he just can't seem to manage it. He did once manage to save up £100 for a Switch but I paid the rest.

Any advice gratefully received, I know I'm in a mess and really want things to change.

@stickerqueen. I'm 71. Can you be my Mummy??

Please say no to him and explain why. That's way too much he is getting.

OP, I was that kid. I was the youngest and super cute and my mum got me everything I wanted and I would frequently want toys when going to the supermarket, etc. I can tell you, it has done me no favours whatsoever as an adult and I look back on the child I was with quite intense dislike in some respect. All sended around being spoiled.

It can also cause money management issues in future which I have big time. Teach him the value of saving and the sense of achievement and pride you get when you save up for something you want. Also I feel really strongly against young kids both playing Roblox and spending money on loot boxes. It's a money vacuum and develops unhealthy habits.

Centred around*

He gets money for nothing?. This is why he doesn’t appreciate it.
Pocket money is earned via chores and good behaviours no?

I would sit him down and tell him that from now on £5 of his money is going straight in savings and £4 is his to spend. Then stick to it OP. It’s not a loving thing to bring up a kid who is bad with money.

I have a similar problem with DS2 who earns £60 a month for his paper round so has £85 to squander. It’s very hard trying to get him to save some and as he has earned it himself I feel I can only persuade not insist. I recommend you start now giving your boy good habits while he is little.

There’s an app that can keep track of pocket money and you can link it to chores if you choose. I don’t see the problem with it especially if he doesn’t do anything to earn his money now ( I’m guessing not ).I’ll try and get the name for you... it’s a tracker I think more than an account so if you buy something you can deduct it from the amount. My 8 year old gets £2 a week for reference - household chores that she can do include bringing the washing in off the line, clearing the table, makes lunch ( sandwiches with chopped cucumber & peppers etc ) I have a very indulgent friend who used to buy her DD toys every time they went to the supermarket and has a lot of holidays and days out and I’m afraid she’s the biggest brat going - she’s incredibly rude and irritating and I tend to avoid seeing my friend now.

I agree with BertieBotts, and having an only child myself, I know that you can't simply decide one day to "toughen up", say no and stick to it.
It's not that simple for those like us who, for various reasons, end up overcompensating for different issues.
Bertie's advice is empathetic and will hopefully work because it's giving OP the peace of mind that she's doing the right thing and not depriving her child.

In my case, DS aged 11 (almost 12) gets £10 at the beginning of the month when I get paid, and that's it, unless there's a special event or achievement and we agree he can choose money or another reward.
Just before his 11th birthday, I explained that as a pre-teen he needs to understand what a family budget is, how we divvy up our monthly income, how we need to save up for holidays etc. as he will need to learn how to become an independent teenager.
I'm also reminding him on occasion (when there's a new "diamond" or "skin" or whatever the hell they invent in those bloody games) that money spent on games are simply thrown away on things that are not material, not useful in any way, and that he will move on to the next game within the month and all that he spent is literally wasted!

Having a talk that was linked to an age "milestone" made him listen, understand that he is starting a journey to become independent and want to gain life skills. Luckily for me he was ready and receptive.

OP, I hope you can find a way to chat to your child in a way that resonates with him and you can sort this out as conflict-free as possible.

Also just to add I don't really like the borrowing with interest thing for children - it's a bit too complicated and no doubt you will end up relenting when they huff about it being unfair at a later date when they have forgotten what they even spent the money on!

I KNOW I need to just say no. I think I'll have a Big Chat with him tonight and explain I won't be saying yes to anything other than his £9

A wise decision, OP, but it won't be easy to start with; you've taught him that he'll get what he wants if he pesters just a bit more and the penny might take a while to drop

Worth it, though, and if you find yourself weakening remember you're not depriving him - you're teaching him an important life lesson

I put my children's savings in the bank each month - £50 each and I've told them they won't get their hands on it until they are buying a house. I've told them they probably won't see the money before they're 25. My 12yo earns up to £10 a week to waste on sweets and frappacinos by doing cleaning. She detail cleans one room per week and lightly cleans each of the other rooms each night. So Monday light clean in kitchen, Tuesday light clean in bathroom, Wednesday deep clean in living room etc. I have my expectations as to what a light clean or detail clean is, written on sheets in a folder. I think it's best they earn their cash. I also make my 12yo cook a couple of times a week, it will make them a better adult. My 4yo just has to tidy his toys away but we'll introduce more as he grows

I don’t really agree with pocket money for chores. I think it should be separate. It would be helpful for you to explore why the money is such a trigger for you a bit more. It sounds like you’re trying to give him a sense of abundance in a way you never had. Kind of making up for or repairing your childhood stress in some way. That really makes sense. So I can see why just saying no has been so hard until now. Somehow you need to reframe it - I like BertieBotts suggestions. And also, you’re not depriving him, you’re teaching him about patience, money management and not having everything instantly. Delayed gratification. All are important lessons. How old were you when you were poor as a child? Was it the whole time or were certain ages more difficult than others?

Bloody hell, some of these kids have more money to spend on themselves than I do after bills are paid!

When mine were young there was no spare cash for 'pocket money'. But they'd heard from more privileged friends that they should get paid for 'chores'. In consequence, none of them would lift a finger around the house. No pay = no chores.

But bloody hell, they've all turned out to be great with money.

Set an amount, stick to it, tell your DS to ask your DH if he's got issues with what you give him (if your DH is better at sticking to his guns than you are). It's going to be tough in the short run, but will get better and it's as well to sort it out now because a teenager being bolshy about money is not fun.

Pocket money is earned via chores and good behaviours no?

No, those are basic requirements of living in a family home. Everyone has to help with the running of the house and it's normal to behave decently. You don't get paid anything for it!

@Parker231 we do this too, based on Ron lieber's book. Works well!

My friend used to give her DC their money and they had to split it into 3. One third for immediate splurging, one third for saving til the end of the month and the other 3rd into permanent savings for big things.

It seemed to work well but you do need to be consistent.

I also had a deprived childhood but I tend to restrain myself to birthdays and christmases for my DC.

I definitely overindulged them at other times but probably more in terms of experiences like camps and activities.

DC aren't really spoiled by stuff so much as not having limits set and I son't indulge tantrums.

If you know you are going to be asked, you need to decide and stick to whatever answer you give. Never give in to pleading but equally, the answer doesn't always have to be "no". It's okay to say yes sometimes but say it straightaway don't say "no" ten times then yes as next time they'll just keep going 11 times or 12 or whatever.

You are ruining him.

You have a responsibility to him, not to treat him like this.

The problem with Vbucks/roblox/online gaming currency is its always available and basically limitless spending. Because its in the home you cant escape the pestering, and theres constant exposure. Which is hard if you are in OPs position.

Hes getting nesrly 60 a month including money from his grandparents. Thats quite a lot, thats more than enough to get whatever a 9 yr old boy wants each month.

You need to remember that your not saying no, your just saying not now. He can have whatever he wants if he saves for it, or when his next lot of pocket money comes in. You arent denying him things.

In the long run it will benefit him so much if you just start saying no. As a child my parenrs didnt have much money, we didnt get many things. My cousin got everything they wanted and more. Whilst this was a bit sad as a child I am so grateful for my parents now as my cousin is now bankrupting her parents in her late 20s, absolutely no concept of money.

No, those are basic requirements of living in a family home. Everyone has to help with the running of the house and it's normal to behave decently. You don't get paid anything for it!

We don’t do pocket money, and helping out is part of life. But we do give the chance to earn doing “extra”. We’ve a list of extras with amounts listed. If she needs money she earns it. Extra can be things like cleaning and sorting cupboards, helping to wash the cars etc. Lets her learn about earning and saving.

Why do you have to sit down and have a big chat with him about this? He's your nine year old child and you should (but aren't) be his adult parent. Stop pandering to him and trying to please him and start being his parent.

I left working in schools because I got so sick of dealing with entitled brats who parents were too scared to be an authority figure in their own child's life.

I agree with a previous poster to use a milestone birthday to explain that he’s now old enough to learn how to manage money like you do as a family.

$2 into long term savings (for a car when older)
$4 into short term saving (to save up for a toy/clothes)
$3 to spend on whatever during the week

Stop the extra spending during the week.

I don’t believe that money should be linked to chores. I think chores should be done because you are part of a family. I don’t like the mentality of expecting to be paid to do something for the family. “What are you going to give me?”

At £50-£60 a month you not only shouldn't be buying him toys when he begs for them, but you should be encouraging him to spend this money on anything that constitutes a "treat". Wants to buy an ice cream? Out of his pocket money. Wants to go bowling? Pays for it out of his pocket money. Wants to buy his friends a present? Pocket money.

That's way too much money to just be blowing on what he feels like.

Yes you are raising a spoilt kid. And it's your fault.
Not sure what the issue is, you have already said it.

The other thing about just suddenly changing your approach is that first the child will kick back because they'll assume you're having an off day and they just need to plead harder. If you're already struggling to enforce the boundary that makes it twice as hard! They know what buttons to press! It will take a few trips where you enforce the new normal (and stick to it despite extra pressure, which is going to be hard for OP!) and there will be associated stress around this as DC will likely be in a bad mood from what they see as an unfair and random change. It takes time for them to cotton on that this is a permanent change, only then will they begin to respond to it. But again if they don't understand the reasoning for it, they may be resentful about the change.

OTOH a ten year old is well able to understand an explanation. They don't have to agree to the new rules, but having them spelled out means you skip the part where they are unaware you've made a new resolution. Now if they aren't in agreement then they will often do the extra pleading, tantrums, sad face etc anyway. So it does also help to get them on side. I don't think you have to trick them, nor give them all the decision making power, but involving them a little in the process is helpful for that. When you explain it in terms of the benefits for them in helping them learn a new skill or allowing them to save up for more expensive things that perhaps you wouldn't buy on a whim, even, then he can see the positives for it as well. Of course it means giving up some perks he's had until recently which may well feel unfair to him. But I tend to find new approaches go a lot more smoothly this way than just deciding it without communicating with the child about it.

Of course he can't save...he has no need to 🤷‍♂️

You may as well try and teach him Uzbekistani....

How much is he spending per week if he gets £9 and you give him more??? Does he spend it all on v bucks and sweets?
My DS gets £1 extra per week every birthday but we started on £1 a week when he was 8 not £8! He's now on £4 per week at 11. It will probably jump when he's a teenager but no child of 9 needs that much money to spend.